Numb because I just don't know what to feel anymore, so many things are overloading me, I just can't turn around without something just bitting me somewhere.
Don't get me wrong, I have had somewonderful things happen in the past couple of weeks, but so many crappy things are still running in the background. Its like getting a brand new computer with all the bells and whistles but it came with a virus already there waiting to get you when it raises its ugly head. Its always there, just under the surface.
I am still struggling with the water and gas bill and since Jeremy's not able to work yet, they continue to mount up penalties.
The pic is of the new cat we received from rescue. She was seized from an aging ill Persian/Exotic breeder that could no longer care for her cats. We almost lost her, she was so depressed and would not eat. But she is slowly recovering, coming out of her shell and still getting to know us and the two remaining cats, the ragdoll Soli and Mushu the Siamese.
I am grateful for many things today, first that the Dr says my surgery went well and there was no cancer, i am grateful to have such a loving partner in Jeremy. I am grateful that his family has sent us a nice wedding gift so we could have at least 2 nice things fron the gift.
I am grateful to still be working even though my job will end the end of September unless the County is able to place me before then. I am grateful I do have at least one close friend who can give me emotional support when I can't get it elsewhere. I am grateful that C's death will help my children now financially more so than when he was alive (I don't mean this in a mean way) and SSA will pay them benefits since I can no longer receive his child support from the grave. And finally I am grateful that my family is starting to lift ourselves up out of a big down hill hole and learn to live again.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Why do some people have to be such A$$40l3&
As many of you know I run a couple of groups on flickr and in my spare moments, I scan Explore for talent to post to our groups. I got a nasty email from some guy telling me I should have read his profile before "spamming" him with group invite?!
Well to people like that I ask this Anorthsoul: How stupid can you be?! I don't go looking at photographer's personal objectives(i DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT, i DO THAT WITH FRIENDS, YOU ARE NOT A FRIEND), I go looking for talent. If you can't recognize an invite to a group based on your talent just say thanks but no thanks. No need to be an A&&!
And another thing, where do friends get off telling you to leave them alone, when you know they really don't mean it? I mean, if you really are friends, you should know that friends are there good and bad. Just because you are going through a bad time, doesn't mean you should push people away. Later when you are feeling better about things, it could be a regretful moment. Just a thought
Well to people like that I ask this Anorthsoul: How stupid can you be?! I don't go looking at photographer's personal objectives(i DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT, i DO THAT WITH FRIENDS, YOU ARE NOT A FRIEND), I go looking for talent. If you can't recognize an invite to a group based on your talent just say thanks but no thanks. No need to be an A&&!
And another thing, where do friends get off telling you to leave them alone, when you know they really don't mean it? I mean, if you really are friends, you should know that friends are there good and bad. Just because you are going through a bad time, doesn't mean you should push people away. Later when you are feeling better about things, it could be a regretful moment. Just a thought
Monday, July 21, 2008
Numb but happy
Wedding day bliss or just finally something good happens to me for a change. Who knows. But I do plan on sticking around to find out.
Finally something has gone right in my life, and I feel most content. It didn't happen as we planned, but I guess nothing ever does. So much crap has gone on so it makes these moments seem alien to me. But then most emotional things seem strange to me. I have them, just not sure what to do about them?! Hipboots and shovels folks, somedays it gets deep. Odd days you may need a snorkle...
We have had to go through so very much to get to this point, and we still have several hoops to jump through but at least now we've made a positive step in that direction, so for all you naysayers neneneneneh!
Finally something has gone right in my life, and I feel most content. It didn't happen as we planned, but I guess nothing ever does. So much crap has gone on so it makes these moments seem alien to me. But then most emotional things seem strange to me. I have them, just not sure what to do about them?! Hipboots and shovels folks, somedays it gets deep. Odd days you may need a snorkle...
We have had to go through so very much to get to this point, and we still have several hoops to jump through but at least now we've made a positive step in that direction, so for all you naysayers neneneneneh!
Friday, July 18, 2008
The sum of 20 years
What can Isay, C was the father of my children, and although there were good and very bad things in the relationship, he did occupy 20 years of my life.
Life goes on....
J and I are getting married tonight.
Life goes on....
J and I are getting married tonight.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
How much more???!!!
How much more can a body take?
I have gone through so much in the past 6 months, I am not sure I can hold out anymore. I'm so tired.
I just had surgery on Tuesday last and am still recovering.
My boss called this morning, (the new job I have been struggling with), and said the whole program accross the board had been eliminated and we have until probably the first week in October to find a job or be repositioned in the County.
J's uncle had a severe heart attack and is now in the hospital in England, and J can't go until we've married and they have given him the green card. J's mum doesn't think she'll be able to come over for the wedding and I am really sad about it. She (and we) can't afford the airfare right now with the gas prices doubling the airfares.
My dark siamese, Mushu has been feeling poorly the past couple of days and I am starting to worry. I can't afford another vet bill and having just lost Baily and Kimiko its just too much.
I want to cry, but only a few tears come out,I want to be strong, and can't. I don't want to be depressed again.
I have gone through so much in the past 6 months, I am not sure I can hold out anymore. I'm so tired.
I just had surgery on Tuesday last and am still recovering.
My boss called this morning, (the new job I have been struggling with), and said the whole program accross the board had been eliminated and we have until probably the first week in October to find a job or be repositioned in the County.
J's uncle had a severe heart attack and is now in the hospital in England, and J can't go until we've married and they have given him the green card. J's mum doesn't think she'll be able to come over for the wedding and I am really sad about it. She (and we) can't afford the airfare right now with the gas prices doubling the airfares.
My dark siamese, Mushu has been feeling poorly the past couple of days and I am starting to worry. I can't afford another vet bill and having just lost Baily and Kimiko its just too much.
I want to cry, but only a few tears come out,I want to be strong, and can't. I don't want to be depressed again.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Shriveling, dying,crying and numb
I feel like crying today. I I just haven't a clue as to exactly why, though recent circumstances of my otherwise(Not including J) pathetic life just seem to be piling on more and more and more. I just feel overwhelmed, like I need a major meltdown, and can't get the relief I need. If it weren't for J I think I would just curl up and give up.
I can't make myself stop. I have no desire to get out of the house and go to work and when I am at work, going out to do my job. Tears just keep running down my face and it makes leaving my office difficult. The social demands of being an outreach worker are slowly killing me physically and mentally though I do like what I do and enjoy my patients.
I realize that perhaps the surgery I am having next week will stop the anemia and give me extra physical energy to survive, but mentally? Who knows...Honestly I am scared that this will all go horribly wrong andmy kids will be orphaned and scarred by losing both parents.
Its not fair to J that I lay all this on him. And yet i am also trying to plan our wedding. I have gotten my dress, not the one I originally picked out as I wanted to save as much money as I could, and finally found one reasonable and fit correctly. It is a bit plain for my taste and I am trying to come up with ways to make it my own.
My da's scan came back and although they didn't see active cells they thought the tumor was a little thick, and they gave my dad the option of waiting and seeing or taking radiation. He chose to take the radiation... We will see how that goes.
I can't make myself stop. I have no desire to get out of the house and go to work and when I am at work, going out to do my job. Tears just keep running down my face and it makes leaving my office difficult. The social demands of being an outreach worker are slowly killing me physically and mentally though I do like what I do and enjoy my patients.
I realize that perhaps the surgery I am having next week will stop the anemia and give me extra physical energy to survive, but mentally? Who knows...Honestly I am scared that this will all go horribly wrong andmy kids will be orphaned and scarred by losing both parents.
Its not fair to J that I lay all this on him. And yet i am also trying to plan our wedding. I have gotten my dress, not the one I originally picked out as I wanted to save as much money as I could, and finally found one reasonable and fit correctly. It is a bit plain for my taste and I am trying to come up with ways to make it my own.
My da's scan came back and although they didn't see active cells they thought the tumor was a little thick, and they gave my dad the option of waiting and seeing or taking radiation. He chose to take the radiation... We will see how that goes.
Monday, June 16, 2008
I miss You Kimiko or the worst week of my life
I had out of town training all week and upon my arrival home, my ex succummed from his cancer at 40 years old. Horrible and inconceivable as that was, his family banned me from the veiwing and funeral. My kids had to go alone, and I think it really affected my son. Neither of the two younger ones are talking about it. I am not sure what to do about it.
Wednesday the day before the veiwing of my ex, I awoke to find my kitty Kimiko passed away in her sleep. She was a very special kitty that I shared many hard and good times with and I will miss her every day.
Friday afternoon after the funeral, my car broke down, the transmission is shot so now I have to buy us a car.
Also on Friday, Bailey my other persian escaped and I can not find him. I only hope he comes home. My nerves are shot, my allergies are bad, and sometimes I feel so close to meltdown I can't stand it.
I hate car dealers, they descend on you like sharks. Fresh meat anyone.
And you wonder why I'm numb?!
Wednesday the day before the veiwing of my ex, I awoke to find my kitty Kimiko passed away in her sleep. She was a very special kitty that I shared many hard and good times with and I will miss her every day.
Friday afternoon after the funeral, my car broke down, the transmission is shot so now I have to buy us a car.
Also on Friday, Bailey my other persian escaped and I can not find him. I only hope he comes home. My nerves are shot, my allergies are bad, and sometimes I feel so close to meltdown I can't stand it.
I hate car dealers, they descend on you like sharks. Fresh meat anyone.
And you wonder why I'm numb?!
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