The curve of road

The curve of road,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

The curve of road
There are times when you are traveling up the road of your life and the road seems to veer from the direction you were taking. It is scary to not be able to see ahead and know that the road will be passable and friendly. That there are no monsters just around the next bend when all you had before was sunshine and happiness. Each diversion from your straight path is filled with dark twisty bends, and snarling noises in the dark. Life, has no guarantees. Nothing remains the same, there is always change. There is no mapquest for taking the right path or guide book to say this is what you must do. Of course, there are self help books and bibles that can help steer you. But the final choices are your own. Good or bad, you will live with and suffer any consequences as a direct result of your freedom to choose. Choose wisely, step firmly, turning back is not an option. Go forth bravely, with your heart in your hands, protect it if you must, but be not afraid to see your new future.

But one of these things just doesn't belong here....

SUNP0010,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Missing you today.


Sitting alone trying to work through the fog. I am here, but my heart is there, not so far that I can’t reach it with time, but just far enough to be out of reach when all I need is to be able to reach out with my fingertips and brush your hair from your face, and see the soft outline of your face in the twilight. To hear your voice dusky with passion, and feel you hold me with strength that comes from within as well as out. I feel your need and answer with mine But here, it falls unheard. I am waiting for a moment of peace. A peace, I find only when I am with you

Hollow inside...

Tree hollow Kennesaw Battlefield,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

I have been sick lately. Physically sick. But I also feel a sickness of the soul. My job is robbing me of joy now and I may have to make some decisions that will affect where and how I live very soon. I have been working for the same government company for 11 years as a temporary hourly employee. But now, my children are older. I am a single mom. I am getting older. I need benefits. I have to have help. I am drained by every paycheck I earn here.

I try to debate the practicalities of if I don't have the permanent position, to resign for embaressment, to try and get disability when I know it will be difficult to prove.To try and find somewhere else that is autie friendly and be able to live off what I make? I am scared to death to look for a new job now. But I am also too proud/stubborn to accept the fact that my job is just using me.

I am good enough to do the work day to day but not good enough to hire permanently? They would rather take someone of the street they don't know?I have the feeling there is some racial things with my boss that perhaps she (herself) is not aware of herself. The last three people that she has taken on have been african american.(two have left) There is one caucasin girl who was transferred in from another department, and she is constantly being reprimanded by my boss who is also african american. Don't get me wrong, I love my boss, but she does seem to put more confidence in the other haitian african american girl(who is now in charge of the money) than either of us. I hate this separation, I am not sure if its a subconcious thing, if its just coincidence or???? Do I try a racial suit with the union if I don't get the post?

I am too tired to fight. I don't know what the outcome will be and I feel like crawling in said hollow and obscurring the light. My eyes are tired, I am not sleeping well again and it is taking me longer to fall asleep. I stand or move too quickly I get dizzy, the eyes go black and I have to clutch something to keep me from going down until that blackness clears. I am afraid to do much alone in case I pass out.
I am feeling flat and slightly depressed, maybe because I have been sick, maybe because I feel the pressure that is just building. Where does it end?

The front door of the office

The front door of the office,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Just outside this door is one of the warmest days we have had all year. Just behind this door at a reception desk, sits a tired, sore sleepy autie woman who feels a touch a spring fever and just wants to vacate the premises. Lately its been really difficult to get out of bed. This weekend I have to do Saturday clinic and that night the time gains an hour so I will lose an hour of sleep.... grrrrr

Days of Pain

Big Scary Tree,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

I know that being active is good for me. But sometimes my capacities to do thing are so disimular from other "normal" people that I get frustrated by my own physical limitations. I have asthma, and it will always act up when I am trying to force my body to do things it should be capable of doing. Exercise induced asthma, dust, temperature, over-exertion bring on the huffing as i can not physically bring enough air into my lungs as much as I want to. I get exhausted by this and it makes me grumpy if I use the inhaler or other asthma remedies. I also suffer from fibromyalgia, a connective tissure dissorder which affects any tendon I might have. Strenous exercise is good for it, but it also makes the next day very painful to suffer through. I also have bad knees and a bad hip which prevent me from doing much up and down so when i do climb mountains, although beautiful and I do enjoy it at the time, its always buy now, pay later. I ofter don't have enough reserves to recover quickly enough from buy now pay later, especially with the anemia. The new tablets seems to be working out, but I've not seen any energy boost. I only hope that could be coming...

The wait drags on and on

I received this in my email at work today after inquiring about the interview I did over a month ago...

"Yes, a decision has been made regarding one of the positions and letters should be going out next week. We still have one to fill and a final decision has not been made regarding that one. Hopefully within the next week we will be able to send out letters to everyone that applied."

Sigh, waiting is a hard thing for me, and negative thinking tends to cloud my thoughts with what ifs. If they don't accept me, I feel I should/must resign, out of pride and dignity. After 11 years of dutiful service, it would be a crushing blow to my ego for sure.

On the other hand things will be so much better if I do get the position. I will have a pay raise, benefits which include retirement, medical insurance,paid vacation, and sick days. Something I really need and look forward to. I want to have something to show for the time I have put in, the work etc...