Sometimes I find myself struggling with the desire to want to post here, the logical thoughts floating in my head, the others just dredging the bottom. But often when I go to write, all I can hear in my voice in my head is blah blah blah blah….and more blah. Sigh (blogger’s block?)
I am not made of a set of rules though I am very rule bound.(I find myself resenting many times rules put in place to placate other people) I adapt as best I can to the environment I find myself in. I have trouble dealing with changes but I do the best I can to accommodate my abilities to the situation I find myself in. I choose to not be mean and cruel. I choose to try and treat people the best way I possibly can, in the hopes that someday, I might be treated the same. All this sounds so determined, and yet I find myself struggling everyday to try and keep a smile on my face. J is one of those things that keep me smiling even though life is rough sometimes. J is my shelter from the storm outside. The tough exterior I don’t have naturally. It’s strange depending on someone again, but it feels natural and right.
I met someone today I hadn’t seen in many years. Her daughter grew up with mine and she stated her husband had died (the year before my ex!) He was a very happy business man, very healthy. A chiropractor, and yet a heart attack took him away from his wife and 2 daughters. She told me his death was devastating to her and she made it through only with the help of medication. Funny how these things contrast to my own situation where the death of my ex was freedom from abuse and the stifling control that crippled me as a human. Because of that freedom I was able to seek help in health and let go many medications that numbed my heart and clouded my thoughts. She has remarried but is not the same happy person I remember. She told me I looked great,(funny how the difference again shows up) and that I seemed happier. She couldn’t believe it. I told her I too had remarried, and she said it must be doing you a lot of good then. I couldn’t agree more.
