Shriveling, dying,crying and numb

Red Blackberries,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

I feel like crying today. I I just haven't a clue as to exactly why, though recent circumstances of my otherwise(Not including J) pathetic life just seem to be piling on more and more and more. I just feel overwhelmed, like I need a major meltdown, and can't get the relief I need. If it weren't for J I think I would just curl up and give up.
I can't make myself stop. I have no desire to get out of the house and go to work and when I am at work, going out to do my job. Tears just keep running down my face and it makes leaving my office difficult. The social demands of being an outreach worker are slowly killing me physically and mentally though I do like what I do and enjoy my patients.
I realize that perhaps the surgery I am having next week will stop the anemia and give me extra physical energy to survive, but mentally? Who knows...Honestly I am scared that this will all go horribly wrong andmy kids will be orphaned and scarred by losing both parents.

Its not fair to J that I lay all this on him. And yet i am also trying to plan our wedding. I have gotten my dress, not the one I originally picked out as I wanted to save as much money as I could, and finally found one reasonable and fit correctly. It is a bit plain for my taste and I am trying to come up with ways to make it my own.

My da's scan came back and although they didn't see active cells they thought the tumor was a little thick, and they gave my dad the option of waiting and seeing or taking radiation. He chose to take the radiation... We will see how that goes.

I miss You Kimiko or the worst week of my life

I miss You Kimiko,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

I had out of town training all week and upon my arrival home, my ex succummed from his cancer at 40 years old. Horrible and inconceivable as that was, his family banned me from the veiwing and funeral. My kids had to go alone, and I think it really affected my son. Neither of the two younger ones are talking about it. I am not sure what to do about it.

Wednesday the day before the veiwing of my ex, I awoke to find my kitty Kimiko passed away in her sleep. She was a very special kitty that I shared many hard and good times with and I will miss her every day.

Friday afternoon after the funeral, my car broke down, the transmission is shot so now I have to buy us a car.

Also on Friday, Bailey my other persian escaped and I can not find him. I only hope he comes home. My nerves are shot, my allergies are bad, and sometimes I feel so close to meltdown I can't stand it.

I hate car dealers, they descend on you like sharks. Fresh meat anyone.

And you wonder why I'm numb?!