I feel like crying today. I I just haven't a clue as to exactly why, though recent circumstances of my otherwise(Not including J) pathetic life just seem to be piling on more and more and more. I just feel overwhelmed, like I need a major meltdown, and can't get the relief I need. If it weren't for J I think I would just curl up and give up.
I can't make myself stop. I have no desire to get out of the house and go to work and when I am at work, going out to do my job. Tears just keep running down my face and it makes leaving my office difficult. The social demands of being an outreach worker are slowly killing me physically and mentally though I do like what I do and enjoy my patients.
I realize that perhaps the surgery I am having next week will stop the anemia and give me extra physical energy to survive, but mentally? Who knows...Honestly I am scared that this will all go horribly wrong andmy kids will be orphaned and scarred by losing both parents.
Its not fair to J that I lay all this on him. And yet i am also trying to plan our wedding. I have gotten my dress, not the one I originally picked out as I wanted to save as much money as I could, and finally found one reasonable and fit correctly. It is a bit plain for my taste and I am trying to come up with ways to make it my own.
My da's scan came back and although they didn't see active cells they thought the tumor was a little thick, and they gave my dad the option of waiting and seeing or taking radiation. He chose to take the radiation... We will see how that goes.
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