Rock paper scissors...

INCUBUS - Drive

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much
I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
should be the one behind the wheel.

Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there.

So, if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
Aah-ah-oo-o-o.

It's driven me before and it seems to be the way
that everyone else gets around.
But lately I'm beginning to find that when
I drive myself my light is found.

Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeahhh
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there...I'll be there.

Would you choose water over wine....hold the wheel and drive?

Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there.
Do do do do do do do do do do do
ohh wa oh
Do do do do do do do do do do do
ohh wa oh

This song reflect a lot of my feelings, how much has actually been taken from me, out of my hands, some of it, never to return.

I have so much past, so much me that was lost (taken from me and destroyed) during some very dark, disturbing and turbulent times in my life and sometimes, I want that old me back. I want to be the one behind the wheel.

I want my creativity back, I want my life back. I need so much, and have so little to get with. Anything I wish to do other than write costs me to get supplies, to get batteries, to get paint, paper, glass, clay, lead, sigh...

I never know what the next day will bring, and I feel so woefully unprepared, unfulfilled and unneeded. I see things and I think " Oh that's a good idea for a picture, oh that's something I'd like to sculpt, I'd like a window like that,those words are so touching, why can't I overcome my block." My executive function is extinct....how I can get it started I don't know. Forcing myself just ends up fogging my mind.

Also its very hard being a mother, despite having these arty ideas, there is very little I can create with my two smaller children at home. I am starting to think maybe my solitude on the weekends will have be made to better use.

Did I mention, I have very little time management /organizational skills? I procrastinate to the ultimate deadline. Sigh, will I ever get this done? Why don't I have the urge to see things through, to get to the finish line, to not leave a half done craft project messily about, but finished in its glory. I feel so good when I can finish something, yet, getting there is a constant battle. I feel proud when I do a good job but getting that ultimate completion is mostly out of reach. Much like many other things in my life.

Desperate for life

Being cut-off from the internet for a few days has sharply cut into my"social" life... Haha... what social life...

My unseen friends, friendly strangers on the net, my only other contact with the outside world is from work, again, friendly aquaintances. they mean well, except for one.. which I've mentioned here before. she is back again today.

My routine is get up at 6:45am get the kids out for the bus get my lunch and dress and try to swallow down breakfast, drive to work, deal with work, drive to the school to p/u the kids before 6:30pm drive home, make dinner and get the kids ready for bed and the rest is my computer time. What social life is that? nil....

Happiness doesn't come in a pill...

Not enough you die, too many you die, wrong kind you die, sigh.
This keeps playing in my head. Don't know why....
Hemmorage (in my hands)

memories are just where you laid them
drag the waters till the depths give up their dead
what did u expect to find?
was it something you left behind?
dont you remember, anything i said when i said..

Dont fall away, and leave me to myself
Dont fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands

in my hands, again,
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands...
leave love bleeding......

oh hold me now i feel contagious
am i the only place that you have left to go?
she cries her life is like, some movie black and white
dead actors, faking lines, over and over and over again she cries..

Dont fall away, and leave me to myself
Dont fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands

in my hands, again,
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands...
leave love bleeding......love lies bleeding

and i watched as you turned away, you dont remember, but i do...
you never even tried

Dont fall away, and leave me to myself
Dont fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands

in my hands, again,
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
ohhhhemmorage (in my hands)

memories are just where you laid them
drag the waters till the depths give up their dead
what did u expect to find?
was it something you left behind?
dont you remember, anythingi said when i said..

Dont fall away, and leave me to myself
Dont fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands

in my hands, again,
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands...
leave love bleeding......

oh hold me now i feel contagious
am i the only place that you have left to go?
she cries her life is like, some movie black and white
dead actors, faking lines, over and over and over again she cries..

Dont fall away, and leave me to myself
Dont fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands

in my hands, again,
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands...
leave love bleeding......love lies bleeding

and i watched as you turned away, you dont remember, but i do...
you never even tried

Dont fall away, and leave me to myself
Dont fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands

in my hands, again,
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
ohhhh... fuel

Seems no matter my intentions I screw up again. Least of all with the intended. I am so dysfunctional sometimes.... I want so much to do the right things when I am supposed to do them and not when my brain bloody well thinks it should. I have the best intention but no executive function. No drive, no rush, no worries. But i do have worries that haunt every second of my life and I drone them out as best I can doing mindless things. Maybe it'd be best if I remain mindless, then I wouldn't have guilt knocking on my soul every few minutes.

Hello Again, Its just me

I've spent this weekend in overload, with some sort of 24 hour bug... blech....
I've shed many tears over shockingly high and outrageous bills, and limited resources. A digestion system that would rather not cooperate with food, an irregular sleep schedule due to being ill and too many thoughts running through my head. I have no idea how I'm to pay a 500 dollar gas bill... I have no comprehension of how I could possibly use so much gas in 2 months. I'm scared and alone and exhausted. I should know how to be better than this. I guess I just don't have the skills to be on my own.

"Homey Don't Play That"... Damon Wayons

Seems today I had a little sense of justice. I don't know if its permanent but at least today I am back at my old desk, and the psycho schizo sociapath with bi-polar tendancies is not here today...

My work life is at peace for the first time in about 3 weeks. After having an overloaded morning which I ended up stepping squarely on my cat and bursting into tears thinking I had hurt him, I finally have calmed down and am starting to feel better about things.

Friends Romans and Countrymen...

Somehow I've come to realize I have a lot of social acquaintances and very few true and real friends. Asperger's makes social contact so difficult. Friendships, the real and true ones seem to be more easily maintained by distance rather than close contact... Sigh... So far one of my nearly lifelong friends has moved to Michigan and disappeared literally from the map. Another one I had for 20 years betrayed my trust and lucky me can never forget and will never forgive. I insist, no I demand truth, and will give nothing less. I need someone who is a match of me. Hopefully I've found the understanding, the person who gets it.

Relationships in the romance department before now have not fulfilled me or given me a life of understanding. I hope that will change now. Trust is such an issue with me. I have been lied to, cheated on,beaten to the point of losing a child, beaten to the point of unconsciousness,possibly poisoned, raped, widowed by alcohol poisoning,and yet I still seek to have happiness if it exists from romance and love. Lucky me, good old Asperger's gives me an open heart to trust and lovely mental skepticism just to throw in a sarcastic kick in the head...I guess I am a glutton for punishment but somethings in life seem right to do. Naivety, and child-like nature thrown in for free...

All this and The New Year too...

I have been really struggling to deal with life lately.  I have this sociopathic person working in the reception position I normally occupy meanst I am working in a position short of people with data entry/intake.   I like both positions, don't get me wrong, but the receptionist is more my speed.

 

This woman has taken my position (albeit temporarily) and is doing only half if any of the work, forwarding the rest to me.  I have complained to my supervisor and my director as this person is slowly hanging herself.  It just is a matter of time.  But today she said something a little more menacing and although I told my superiors, I was told to ignore it. If she hadn't threatened to beat up another woman, and got a weeks suspension, I might could do that.

 

I am worn out.  I am grumpy.  I can't concentrate on intake with the phone ringing every 3 seconds because her phone is forwarded to mine.  Needless to say I didn't have enough concentration before. I have been at my job 11 years and am still hourly part time.   Sigh I need benefits,vacation, sicktime, insurance to survive .
 

Mental Mechanations

Lately I've been dealing with a lot of processing problems. Its that when I transcribe any sort of data i need accuracy and its driving me flippin bonkers! It seems I can actually copy much of anything from the computer to paper but the other way around is not easier. I don't understand the difference between taking from paper and putting in the computer and/or taking from the computer and putting on paper but the latter always seems to be wrong... sigh. Head desk head desk repeat.....

I Thank God You Don't Speak For Me!

Photo of Ashley copied from her parents blog. http://ashleytreatment.spaces.live.com/blog
As a partially disabled adult I have been reading the news on "The Ashley Treatment". And although I sympathize with the family that their daughter was born disabled, I can not condone or accept what they have had done to her. As an adult with disabilities all I can say is this:" Having a disability is not supposed to be easy, or nice to look at. Having a disability is hard. We are not here for your entertainment. We are not here to be cute and child-like at the ripe old age of 15 or whatever real age this child has.She is not a pet to spay and neuter because you don't want to be bothered. You mentioned taking off her breasts for her comfort and removing her uterus "because she will never use it". I think the "never use it" part is what bothers me most. How about we cut off her arms and legs? They just dangle, they will"never be used" for any purpose in a normal life?! How about removing her head/brain, she will "never use it"!! Heck make her a torso so she truly will be "pillow" shaped. That should be an easier form to care for! We are not here at your convenience, but... we are at your mercy when you speak for us. I'm glad my parents did not make decisions like these that would alter my life forever as to how I would be perceived and taken care of. I was much worse as a child and I have come a long long way. I may not be perfect but I was not subjected into being something I am not. Medical advances are growing each day and with those advances may come a chance that could have been had by this "woman-child". She will never get bigger, but her face and body will still age, perhaps at a more rapid age with the high estrogen treatment she was given. Worse still, if she does fall into a care giving situation due to death of parents etc., she is a pedophiles dream. Truly sickening. "My hands, they're small I know but they're not yours, they are my own"...Jewel,

Sometimes I'm Quiet

Sometimes seeing other people's problems confuses me. I stand silent or stammering because I just don't have any clue as to what to say. I feel badly and wish I could offer help or do something (lack of executive function) constructive to say or do. I stand frozen in my place. I stare, feeling really stupid and confused. I guess if you saw me do this, I could be considered cold or apathetic, but its not what is in my mind or heart. Simply I lack enough knowledge/function at that moment to act. I can not act on impulse. It just doesn't work for me.

overloaded

Today was an overload just waiting to start. At work today, the day our clinic is usually slow, we did about three times the normal people and never stopped. I have to work tomorrow and was generally grumpy and tired. I could feel the overload creeping up around my face. I could talk and move but I felt as though I was just staring into space with a blank look. Many things attributed to this feeling of overwhelmedness but I won't go into all the sordid details. Just know things were enough to make an NT crazed by the end of the day. Its a wonder I'm still alive....

Resolutions? You've got to be kidding me!

My only resolutions are to survive and take good care of my kids. If I get happiness on the way... its gravy or icing. Both can be good if made right. There-in is the problem, can I really do this?!

New Years, Bah Same old stuff repeat....

This New Year has started off with a bang. Being alone means when you are sick, there's no one there to comfort you. Being alone means when you really need medicine, there's no one else to go and drive to get it. Being alone means, if you are hungry despite being ill you must drag yourself to the stove and cook anyway. But I suppose this is the way it has to be for now.