Rock paper scissors...

INCUBUS - Drive

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much
I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
should be the one behind the wheel.

Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there.

So, if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
Aah-ah-oo-o-o.

It's driven me before and it seems to be the way
that everyone else gets around.
But lately I'm beginning to find that when
I drive myself my light is found.

Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeahhh
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there...I'll be there.

Would you choose water over wine....hold the wheel and drive?

Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there.
Do do do do do do do do do do do
ohh wa oh
Do do do do do do do do do do do
ohh wa oh

This song reflect a lot of my feelings, how much has actually been taken from me, out of my hands, some of it, never to return.

I have so much past, so much me that was lost (taken from me and destroyed) during some very dark, disturbing and turbulent times in my life and sometimes, I want that old me back. I want to be the one behind the wheel.

I want my creativity back, I want my life back. I need so much, and have so little to get with. Anything I wish to do other than write costs me to get supplies, to get batteries, to get paint, paper, glass, clay, lead, sigh...

I never know what the next day will bring, and I feel so woefully unprepared, unfulfilled and unneeded. I see things and I think " Oh that's a good idea for a picture, oh that's something I'd like to sculpt, I'd like a window like that,those words are so touching, why can't I overcome my block." My executive function is extinct....how I can get it started I don't know. Forcing myself just ends up fogging my mind.

Also its very hard being a mother, despite having these arty ideas, there is very little I can create with my two smaller children at home. I am starting to think maybe my solitude on the weekends will have be made to better use.

Did I mention, I have very little time management /organizational skills? I procrastinate to the ultimate deadline. Sigh, will I ever get this done? Why don't I have the urge to see things through, to get to the finish line, to not leave a half done craft project messily about, but finished in its glory. I feel so good when I can finish something, yet, getting there is a constant battle. I feel proud when I do a good job but getting that ultimate completion is mostly out of reach. Much like many other things in my life.