I realize I haven't posted in a long time.. so much has happened, the surgery the weight loss, health issues, J's immigration stuff, my daughter finding out she's deaf, the death of a couple of my cats. Life has been full out running to the max. And I am so tired... I can't seem to get this across to anyone. But, I am tired. Tired of waking everyday and forcing myself to go to work, forcing myself to work and coming home and just not feeling like its all worth it somehow.

Long time no see

J and I just had our 3rd wedding anniversary.(5 years together). Happy happy happy. Something I haven't had in a long long time.

I even took out my clay again and started sculpting. Horrendously, but its a start. It makes me happy, my creativity is coming back. Now if I can just maintain health and stay away from the arthritis pain in my back I will be good!

What 's Mine is mine, What's yours is yours...

I have a coworker who has personal space issues.  Consistently I can be working on something and she will take it from my hands asking is it hers?  She also allows her messiness from her desk to spill over onto mine. if we are busy, working on patients, her work from other patients ends up on my desk. (Thus the snatching)  But I have put her stuff over and over back on her desk and pointed out that she needs to keep her stuff to her desk and let mine be.   Another day I had left some change and 2 dollars in a drawer in my desk that I left unlocked by accident.  The next day I came in and she starts telling me I should lock my desk since I had money there.  So I asked why she was even in my desk to begin with.  She stated she was looking for tape.  So I said ok, so go ask your lead for the keys to the supply cabinet and get some for your self, and anything else you might need.  Don’t go rummaging through my desk, I don’t like it.  I can’t seem to get it through to her that the end of her desk is the end of her area.  I am at a loss, I like the woman but at the same time there is constant loud chattering while we work and she is constantly drawing my attention away from work I am doing to work she says she needs help with or doesn’t know how to do (although she has been working at the job for at least 15 years).  I am getting frustrated and am afraid I will get angry with this person but have no clue about how to maintain a professional working relationship with her when she can’t be professional.

My choice to be numb or not...

Sometimes I find myself struggling with the desire to want to post here, the logical thoughts floating in my head, the others just dredging the bottom.  But often when I go to write, all I can hear in my voice in my head is blah blah blah blah….and more blah.  Sigh (blogger’s block?)

I am not made of a set of rules though I am very rule bound.(I find myself resenting many times rules put in place to placate other people)  I adapt as best I can to the environment I find myself in.  I have trouble dealing with changes but I do the best I can to accommodate my abilities to the situation I find myself in.  I choose to not be mean and cruel.  I choose to try and treat people the best way I possibly can, in the hopes that someday, I might be treated the same.  All this sounds so determined, and yet I find myself struggling everyday to try and keep a smile on my face. J is one of those things that keep me smiling even though life is rough sometimes. J is my shelter from the storm outside.  The tough exterior I don’t have naturally.  It’s strange depending on someone again, but it feels natural and right.

  I met someone today I hadn’t seen in many years.  Her daughter grew up with mine and she stated her husband had died (the year before my ex!) He was a very happy business man, very healthy.  A chiropractor, and yet a heart attack took him away from his wife and 2 daughters. She told me his death was devastating to her and she made it through only with the help of medication.   Funny how these things contrast to my own situation where the death of my ex was freedom from abuse and the stifling control that crippled me as a human.  Because of that freedom I was able to seek help in health and let go many medications that numbed my heart and clouded my thoughts. She has remarried but is not the same happy person I remember.  She told me I looked great,(funny how the difference again shows up) and that I seemed happier.  She couldn’t believe it.  I told her I too had remarried, and she said it must be doing you a lot of good then. I couldn’t agree more.

D^&*nd if you do, Numb if you don't

Some days it feels like D#@# if you do, D%^& if you don’t.  I am still having pain issues with my SI joint but at least I can walk now most days without too much pain. (But, sometimes!!!!)  I have much hope that it will eventually diminish so I can live a semi normal life, that is, if I ever had one to begin with. Pain and stress do not make good bedfellows. I am told losing weight might help…

I started using a Cpap machine last week for my sleep apnea.  Hurrah for Darth Vader.  I have in my sleep taken it off without knowing it because at times with my stuffy nose I feel like choking.  I am told if I lose weight, it might help…I am also told surgery might help but I can not take the month off to get it I will need yet, it takes so long to build up time, and I have to have some time off here and there for misc. reasons. Grrr

My blood sugars from my diabetes have been pretty good, and my energy levels are better than they were.  I am no longer anemic.  My diabetes too might go away, if I lose weight… My chiro has tried a cold laser treatment for diabetes on me and so we will see what the results are in a month or so when I go back for the A-1C.

I want I need… I want to lose weight, I need to lose weight.  To lose weight I need to exercise more.  To exercise more, I need to have some control over the pain levels I am dealing with now (not!) I am eating less, pushing away, not eating chocolates 3 times a week, not snacking as much (I do have to have some sort of snack to keep my blood levels but not eating as much).  Not eating a carton of sour cream for my calcium source (And have been told this is better since dairy can hurt arthritis?!) I am not asking for ice cream. (Though it is still winter and the heat hasn’t shown up yet!) Sweets really aren’t my downfall. I limit pasta, I limit potatoes though they and I have a love hate relationship : I love to eat them, they love my thighs, I hate my thighs, therefore I should hate potatoes But I can’t/ don’t/ won’t… its genetic  LOL

I am told I might be able to get bariatric surgery but I have to over qualify to get surgery approved.  Lovely BCBS is well known for not approving this surgery that literally could save my life. I have been told this is the lazy person’s way to lose weight by someone very close to me.  I am in such pain at times, it just frustrates me to tears.

My daughter has been struggling with hearing issues. It has come down to if the doctor would bill my insurance policy (which takes a large chunk out of my 2x a month check) to pay for aides for her to hear, and let me pay the difference out of pocket , she can get the aides she needs.  For some reason the private ENT’s around here will not bill the insurance.  Now, if I had 4000 to give them upfront, why couldn’t I just go and buy them?! And if I can’t use my expensive insurance which I must carry as a full time employee, what good is it?! Needless to say the past few weeks have been stressful and mind-numbing. We are looking into a children’s medical help service, and should know next week.

Money issues prevent so much. I want to make more money but I can’t change jobs.  If I change jobs I could be moved anywhere in the County, longer traffic times, longer stress, bigger phone bills, more care wear and tear on our only vehicle… If Jeremy starts work, the same can happen;  no one at home when the kids get home, one car until we can get another, and double stress.  What to do?

 

Mind numbing machines

As every month I seem to be adding to my list of ailments, I must first brag on something, I had been essentially crippled by leg and back pain and neck pain and migraines for going on 2 years now. Last week that's all started to change. Now I am a skeptic when it comes to Chiropratic treatment, but I do have to say that the Chiropractor I am seeing for treatment has done more for me than anyone! My G.P. would only prescipe muscle relaxers and pain killers, half of which I am allergic to. Believe it or not,I can now walk without a limp! I am almost pain free! Shameless plug of Dr Meineger: (Miracle Worker!!!) http://www.blogcatalog.com/blog/dr-meiningers-back-neck-pain-blog/9ad21aea4185c8c1c942d9a5cc8aa6d6

What can I say, pain cripples more than your body. It stops you from actually living. It sucks the joy from your life. It keeps you from fully enjoying your family, taking walks, having energy to enjoy life. It robs you of comforting sleep. It makes you nervous and irritable.

Being pain free in less than a week with only mild muscle soreness, has taken me by pleasant surprise. Total praise for the Dr.

Stressors, Holidays, Sickness, Relatives and Numbness

Sigh, it has been a while that I have posted. Several things have happened mostly good, some scary,. I have been extremely busy at work with the H1n1 vaccination program. There are many nights we have had to stay late to accomodate all the people since everyone is getting scared that they will get this. Alot of people have already had this awful mess and don't even know it. Others get it and they are on respirators. The degree that this disease hits people is so varied that many doctors can't/don't/won't say its the swine flu. The other downside is that the testing for the virus is so expensive, they'd rather treat than find out definately if it is or isn't. Although Jeremy and I and the kids may have already contracted it at the beginning of the school year, I got them all vaccinated with the live virus nasal spray and when the injectable came out I also got it. Having Diabetes and Asthma I was not eligible to take the live virus nasal spray, so they (my family) got it easy. Somehow the thought of having to be in an ICU unit on a respirator didn't appeal to me. So many people are scared to take the vaccine. Scared they will get something else from it.

I get really worn down with people not wanting to take this vaccination or that vaccination because they feel it may cause autism. Even though all tests have proved otherwise and the People who did the MMR scandal in England have since recanted their findings. As an Autie, I was born way before thimeresol even existed. It runs in my family, it seems to run in Jeremy's as well. Vaccines do not cause my autism or anyone elses in my family.

Cancer is another thing that runs in my family. My father is battling his third year with NonHodgkins Lymphoma, my maternal uncle Sonny died with melanoma. My grandfather died of heart dsease and colon cancer. My children's father C died of lung cancer adenocarcinoma, and he never smoked or anything like that, he was just a brickmason and builder. So I am preocuppied with getting cancer screenings and watching out for my own health. I am also watching my own children carefully and trying my best to make sure they don't get sick from anything.

Health issues remain a concern for me and I recently had to have a CAT scan and an ultrasound. First they thought I had pain from a kidney stone, so they did a CAT scan, did not see any stones there, but they did find I have arthritis in my spine.... and a cyct on my liver which after having the ultasound is thought to be benign. I have to go back in May for another ultrasound just to check it. All the pain in my hips and back have been coming from the arthritis. Even the bursitis I have was caused by the arthritis. So now I have arthritis in the spine... great. Now what?

Holidays are around the corner. We just got through a family meal for Thanksgiving. Then my children spent a four day weekend with the family of their father and Jeremy and I had our own Thanksgiving meal to ourselves.

Saturday after Thanksgiving, Jeremy and I went to the tree farm in our area and got a lovely frasier fir which is now set up in our kitchen window. The children had to help me decorate it as I have not been well with a sinus infection and just haven't had much getup and go lately.
But that magical day for children is almost here and we are trying the best we can to prepare for it.

I wish there was ssome magic pill to take away the pain of the fibro and the arthritis and just geive me the energy to live a normal life. Instead, I am numb mentally, tired and in pain. What more can someone ask for?