numb and sleepy

So now on my growing list of health ailments I am going to have a consult with a ENT for sleep apnea and surgery for my horrible monthly ailments. Evidently the previous surgery didn’t work as planned (I would have to be that 10% wouldn’t I?) and scar tissue has made the bleeding condition worse by trapping part of it inside.  Lovely…

If the anemia wasn’t bad enough to make me tired certainly lack of oxygen in general along with sleep problems have generally made me a zombie.  Numb?  You bettcha.  No oxygen in the blood, no oxygen going into the blood, physical fatigue from poor sleep… just one big circle….

Hopefully the surgery will alleviate further problems. Have to say I am scared though, and really can’t quite put my finger on why.

I had a horrible horrible dream....

The other night morning I a dream I could not bear. What I mean was that this night for me was absolutely horrible. Every so often despite taking vitamins, I was awakened with an excruciating leg cramp which despite pinching the nerve at my nasal fold at the top of the lip it would not let go, and when it finally did, it left my leg sore and wrecked. I fell into a fitfull sleep and then it came... the horrible nightmare.

My ex died nearly 1 year from next month. I dreamed that I was in a situation in my kitchen with my ex, at the time he had me cornered in the kitchen with a butcher knife in his hand. After so long of being kept awake and after so much bullying, I felt my spirit resign and I begged him to either stop it once and for all or kill me because I could not continue to live like that. (This really happened in real life, and was the end of our relationship) But the difference this time in the dream was that C went to stab me and my youngest child got in the way trying to defend me, and he stabbed him through the heart killing my son instantly. I remember the rest of the dream as if I were in a fog just making myself go through the steps, arraigning his funeral and picking out what I would wear and what he would wear. All I could think was that my baby was gone, I felt like I was crazy....

J says I woke up screaming, its been about 4 days and it still invades my thoughts. I had to call my son who was visiting his sister just to reassure myself.

Sometimes things aren't always as they seem

People try and win your trust.  It’s a human nature thing that often ends up stabbing you in the back.  What’s not normal human behavior is the turning of the person in order to be able to stab you in the back.  Let me explain a little better.  I believe it is in the nature of people to help themselves, then help others (if at all). 

Standing on someone's back, someone who is not as capable as yourself, or someone you see as lesser because of education, to raise your own status just seems wrong.  I mean who really gets up in the morning and says to themselves, today I am going to screw this person over?  Today I am going to take a resolved issue and reopen a wound.  Today, I can make someone else's life a little more miserable. Today I am the glorious king of the world and you: you are a beneath me peon.

What kind of person do you see in this type person? Is it just something that as an autie I can't discern? Am I too trusting?  Should I be more standoffish and not open? The conflict confuses me.

I want to be able to trust but at the same time I no longer want to trust people.  Trusting just gets you hurt in the end.  Trusting ends up with you on the chopping block waiting for the cleaver to fall.  Trusting ends up with the knife in your back with no idea where it came from.

At the same time, trusting can get you happiness with the person you love most in the world, trusting can keep you in a job you love.  Trusting can create a nice world to live in.  Unfortunately, not everyone believes it.