Monday, January 14, 2008

Non-Coping with numbness

humbleing
humbleing,
originally uploaded by cicidia.
It seems most my life I have had a body image problem. As a teen, I was too thin, (but never thin enough) until I broke my foot and discovered food. Then became thin again, normal thin, not dancer thin, then, I discovered having children and a changing body form. As a former annorexic dancer, the fatness of pregnancy ate at my self esteem. Not able to move around and having to be on bed rest, destroyed any desire and any capacity to diet and exercise. It no longer mattered even if I ate correctly I gained weight and to top it off, became diabetic.

Having diabetes means having to keep your blood levels of sugar even so you don't have extreme overloads or underloads of sugar in your bloodstream. This requires almost scientific eating, measured and balanced food, and eating every 3 to 4 hours. You have to have enough caloric intake to not be ravenous, yet not overdo either. Its a lose/ lose or much better said, a gain/gain situation.
I do not gain anymore(fortuneately), my A-1C's are just right, by finger sticks (when I do them anymore) are perfect. I no longer get the jitters from dropping blood sugars because I know what and when to eat.

Cutting from this, however, leaves my blood levels dropping, and I can not maintaina normal healthy attitude. Dieting, or at least, cutting calories from my diet, only seems to aggrevate my problem.

Although I am proportionate, I am overweight. My stomach is horribly stretched from having 7 pregnancies and only 3 surving children. The constant trying to achieve thinness as a child and recovering between pregnancies only exacerbated the problem.

Now I am old, I have asthma, fibromyalgia which causes severe pains in my joints and connective tissues, bad knees and hips from overstretching tendons, and ruined cartiledge from ballet, old bone breaks in my feet and badly healed shin fractures, plantar faciatis,tailors bunions,ingrowns nails, severe anemia from other complications, and any garden variety of colds and upper respitory ailments with allergies. All of these things combined make exercise sheer torture for me.

Somedays when i am at work, my hands are aching or my wrists, or my knees and hips. I take advil, or whatever I can get to numb some of the pain but it never really goes away Some days are more tolerable than others. Somedays I rush and push myself and later regret it the next day. I realize exercise can be painful, but it wasn't that painful before. I can not recover as quickly day to day from an active day to a resting day. Most days, I haven't got the energy to even get out of bed, but I do it because if I don't I will starve.(There's a concept)

This is my dilemna, there is no magic pill to take it all away. I have no benefits that I can see a Dr constantly to take away my ailments one by one. Surgery seems a distant dream, but very risky and very expensive. And, because I have no insurance, no medical team will even consider it.

I saw a program this weekend that really made me sad. It talked about how children see their parents, and how one child was always embaressed because their mom was so overweight.
I see the mothers that come and pick up the other children at my kids school. Many are wealthy, fit, coiffed, manicured and dressed in the latest fashions. I often wonder what my kids perceptions of what a parent (ie mom) should look like. I know I can't compare.

Being autie, the least thing I want is someone looking or perceiving how I am. But, my children's opinions do matter. And even though I know in their minds they love me, that is not the same as how they see me against other people, or how other children perceive their mother and comment to them.

Sigh, at times I am a bag of flesh without the strenghth or ability to push forward with changes. Being autie, changes are always difficult. My diet, is rigid mostly, and adding to or cutting back, is often more costly emotionally and monetarily than I have the resources for. I don't have the resources for a full day physically most days, never mind mentally.

I have not found a diet yet that uses the things I eat in my diet. Its really sad that there isn't a diet that will make you want to use and continue with it. But making you eat strange and frankly nasty tasting and textured foods just because its lo cal/ lo fat/ lo carb is a form of torture all in its own to an autie.

Lately I am being told I am beautiful by my fiance, and I just don't believe him. I see myself, the marks, the folds, the lines, and I just can't bring myself to see what he sees. I can't concieve that anyone could find this body attractive, I detest it. I fel horribly disorganized, messy, and just unfit to even walk in public. I am terrififed to walk around my block, fearing the unknown and my personal safety.

I no longer care if I wear makeup when I am out nor am I out to impress anyone but myself. And yet, that is the ultimate in contridiction since, I do really care deep down about my"fatness". But seemingly I am helpless to do much about it so do I really? Sigh...

Tuesday, January 1, 2008