Alone Again, Naturally

New Years Eve, Another year wasted away, another year gone by. Another holiday alone.Unless you count the cat, the keyboard and pc are my only companions. I've tried so hard to keep my hands and mind busy. I need so much and yet I am afraid in many ways that if I start again I will fail. I don't exactly have a great track record. I fear making the wrong decisions, but I know if I stay indecisive about things I will lose again. Catch 22. To trust and possibly get hurt, or don't trust and be alone. Catch 22. I know the possibility exists that I could truly be happy soon. Just have to have all the right conditions, dot every i cross every t. And hope and pray that God will decide this should be my opportunity to finally be at peace and not afraid of getting something thrown at me, or getting beaten in front of my kids, or being humiliated verbally in public. Nothing is worth going back to that no matter how much he begs. I want so much to have a clean slate, to have a right start, to have the opportunity to be me, and not some image that someone has in their head of what they suppose a wife, a lover, and a companion should be. The right to choose to be loving or not, the right to actually have "me" time and not have to be someone's maid or 24 hour entertainment. I want to be inspired to create again, to draw to paint, to craft, to write,and not have my efforts poo-pooed as childish or silly. I want to be able to sit and play a video game with someone without someone saying, "Aren't you a bit old for that?" Sometimes a video game or music is the only thing that eases my over active stressed out mind. Sometimes writing does it for me. I only know I was suppressed for so long that I no longer want that in my life. Sad when you can feel empathy for a video game character and prefer to spend time with him rather than your own "real" life. Sigh, this year has to be better....

Leeches and other vermin

I have come to the conclusion that lawyers, billcollectors, and other pond scum are leeches or some breed similar.

They will suck the life out of you and continue to do so until there is nothing alive left in you. Even still they will try and take your dried carcass just to see what they can get out of you. They listen to nothing. They only have their interest in mind and refuse to comprehend circumstances beyond your control because its only one thing they want. Everything you have and don't have.

Its All in the Mind

Recently I started a med to help me with sleep issues I have been having due to depression combined with my Asperger's syndrome. I have been in discussions with other auties and came across one who says that the meds are just a marketing scheme. Its all in my mind... Really, I have had two years of near little to no sleep and its all in my mind. Let me guess... I should tell myself to sleep and I will, right? Sorry, its never worked like that before. But I will say, the new meds seem to be helping wonderfully, I have now 3 good nights sleep under my belt. Granted, I have had some drowsiness during the day, I have not been the walking zombie of late. I am still having issues with dyslexia and concentration, but overall the pain relief and the restful feeling I've had have been worth it. I do admit the dry mouth has me drinking a lot, but if I stick to water and diet coke I should be fine.
Now if I could get my life back on track and not be so lonely. But that has to wait for now.There are more pressing issues to work out with me still... Though maybe someday it would be easier to work them out with someone's help, in a way this solitude is teaching me how to not be so dependent on anyone but myself. It's almost safer that way. No harm, no hurt.

Aches and Growing Pains

I think sometimes the only comfort I have in life is through the Internet. Granted, I have my children, but having adult conversations, and adult interaction is sorely lacking in my home. The Internet at least through its limited capabilities helps me overcome the social difficulties I have, and give me an outlet to speak my mind unedited, and open my life to other worlds I might not ever know in person.

Passing Christmas alone, was sad and difficult for me. It always was a family affair, huge family gathering on Christmas Eve with my Ex and family with 21 little children under 18. I felt myself trying to rush myself on Christmas Eve, perhaps in memories of the pressures of before, and I stopped myself and realized, I don't have to hurry anymore. There is no reason to put pressure on myself anymore for those reasons.

The realization that I am not here to impress anyone and I don't have to put on a smile or dress up or even put on shoes if I don't want to, became a reoccurring theme as I went through Christmas Eve. The night luckily passed swiftly. It came a pouring rain, like the tears I had felt fall earlier. I knew I would have all three of my children back the next day and I took comfort in that fact.

I started my new medicine Sunday night. Amitriptylin(e) 25mg. I took it about 10:30pm and fell asleep within the hour. I had to have three wake-up calls to get out of bed. It was the first full night of rest I have gotten in years.

There was a strange unexpected side effect of the meds though. When I woke up I realized something was different. My legs felt weird. I couldn't figure it out right away, but it later dawned upon me what was different. My legs did not hurt. Because I am usually in pain in my legs I had gotten to the point of ignoring it. When it wasn't there, I knew something was changed. Sad really that pain relief had to come as a side effect. And I wondered seriously why it hadn't been thought of before...

Solitary Silent Night

I wandered the streets tonight, alone in my van. Silently overloaded from picking up meds at Walmart, silently alone. My children called me from their da's, and it made me sob. I hate being alone, yet its all I can stand to be with someone. Too much, or not enough is very overloading in itself.

Tomorrow is the prefunctuary Christmas luncheon with the parents, tension made for the asking. I tried to stay busy today, tried not to remember things,tried to keep my mind occupied, and my hands busy. I need to learn to shut off the recorder in my head. Need to stop obsessing on past events that I can't change. Need to accept my fate, that has left me alone at Christmas.

Medications I have known...

Since I was in my 20's and on my own I have tried various things to try and make me a normal person.

I have tried Prozac in its early days. I took it for a few years. Did absolutely nothing for me. I didn't know that Prozac really doesn't work with autism because at the time I wasn't diagnosed. All I knew was that I couldn't cope with my home life. Supposedly it was post-partum depression but again, since I didn't know I was autistic,the sources and causes of my reactions weren't really clear. I thought overload and meltdowns were just crying jags of depression.

After a couple of years of not getting much relief, I was put on Zoloft, which seemed to help a little. Took it for 8 months, and then moved away from my dr's office and couldn't afford the medicine and went off the Zoloft by myself. It really did not do enough for me, or at least I didn't think so.

After my middle child was born, I was put on Paxil for post-partumn depression again. Even though I had it, before, during and after pregnancy... go figure. Paxil was a nightmare of half-life shocks and dizziness and nausea and diarrhea. I took it for a year, then the dr wanted to increase it, I had a severe panic attack and tachycardia. Needeless to say, I wanted off this stuff!

I was med free with the exception of diabetes meds for about three years, still suffering the same affects but never knowing why I was as I was. I knew I was different. I knew I was severely depressed and anxious, and I knew I wasn't coping with life. I knew I was in a bad marriage, but I didn't think I could survive alone with two small children.

After my son was born, I needed help, my son didn't sleep through the night until he was 4 years old! He almost didn't potty train until he was 4 1/2. I was depressed, desperate, sad, lonely, anxious, and just generally fed up with life. I thought about dying and how or if my family would tell anyone if I was gone. I decided that my kids needed/deserved more than dying would release me of. And I knew that I couldn't just leave the kids with my ex.

When my son was diagnosed at 4 years old as being autistic, with Asperger's Syndrome, I was told by his dr, that I too exhibited symptoms. My gp confirmed that I probably was autistic as well, and it sometimes runs in families. I started reading anything and everything I could find on Asperger's. I started Wellbutrim and took it for 18 months. No improvement.

I discovered that depression was very common co-morbid condition with Asperger's. Unfortunately I also discovered anti-depression meds do not always help with the stressors and depressions common with Asperger's.

I went for a couple of years again without meds and built up a tougher skin for a while, and then the bottom fell out.

I couldn't take anymore, I had to get out of the bad marriage and I felt so awful and so low and with no self esteem, I couldn't take anymore. I was so miserable I would lay on the sofa for days at a time, getting up to occasionally eat, and to go to the bathroom. Sometimes I didn't bother to eat. I destroyed my metabolism, gained about 50 pounds, and lost anything of a similance of self esteem. I needed help, the only help I could get was more meds.

My dr says ok we are going to try this one then and she put me on EffexorXL.

Life with Effexor didn't make much difference. Six months went by, and nothing changed. I was sleeping the whole day, eating only once a day and not properly. Not good for a diabetic. I was waking up all hours of the night. After six months, I told my dr that it really wasn't helping. She suddenly upped my dosage to double. suddenly I was in hell. Severe PMS the whole time I was on it. 2 weeks later,I begged her to take me off or do something else. I got a new dr.

I went to the new dr. He decided that I needed to try either Celexa or Lexapro, Celexa was the choice. Celexa became Citalopram under the generic name. Since I didn't have insurance, he found a program through Walmart to buy it for $4.00 After sleeping a whole weekend with only 7 hours of awake time in three days, I finally started seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Finally I was starting to feel happy. I hadn't felt happy in years. So anyway now I am on a double dose of Citalopram. And although I still have meltdowns, my moods have improved greatly.

Today I went back and told him I still wasn't sleeping and he prescribed me amitryptyline to help my concentration and sleeping. Will start that on Friday, so we'll see how it goes. Exhausted but getting happier.

Sometimes Comforting Words Are Just Enough

Last night I was determined to lift my spirits. I had to go to the bank and transfer funds to pay bills and do a little shopping. After the day I had, it was all I could do to get out of the house. But I needed some fresh air and a change of attitude. Even though I had melted down three times and was exhausted, I have to live. I am a mother, and my children need me. More than ever I feel that. Fighting against these overwhelming feelings of confusion, exhaustion, sadness and desperation often just take all my energy. Despite that I am determined to make myself better. Maybe not NT ever, but at least to dig myself out of the hole I seems to have sunk down to the bottom of. Asperger's is always going to be part of my life.

When I got to the store, a song came on the radio, Avril Lavigne's new song, "Keep Holding On" was on the radio. It just seem to fit. Maybe it was getting out of the house, maybe the fresh air, maybe those comforting words, (maybe the pressure of the car problems that were lifted) that just made me relax. I didn't overload in Walmart. (miracle)

I slept somewhat more relieved. Still waking after 2 - 3 hours, and wondering what has happened to my life and why I have gone to this point.(Dr's appt tommorow to discuss meds) But I have a goal now and intend to make the best of it.

Overwhelmingly Numb

Today was the last day in the life of my Ford Explorer. It died its last death and in the stress of it all I had three meltdowns. How I survived today is totally beyond me. But I guess some good things come around. I prayed and pleaded with God all last night, trying to hold out hope for my car to make it to work today. It didn't. And yet, I now have strangely enough, a working vehicle in my driveway. A year newer than my old car and I didn't have to pay anything but the tag and insurance. I have a strange attraction to things synchronistic, being a metaphysical Catholic. I have had strange yet wonderful things just happen to me at times, usually when I am most stressed. Maybe I do have a guardian angel. So despite being a totally bad day in many ways. It was in the end salvageable.

Solitary Confinement

Yesterday started my week alone. My children have left to be with their da a week. I just have to deal with it. I have been very melancholy today. I only left the house to buy an extension cord and diet coke. I had really no desire to do much of anything. I cleaned, a little, and slept a lot, and wondered why on God's earth am I just not into Christmas, despite me wearing a Santa shirt and sitting by my tree, The Christmas spirit has alluded me so far. I don't want to be alone. I exhaust myself so I'm not obsessively thinking that I wish this or I wish that... Unfortunately this is how life has dictated my circumstances for now. I have to deal with it. Deal with it? I can't even deal with myself. Sigh

Numbed as usual

Today, I am numb, I woke exhausted, after waking every hour. I came home yesterday and so overloaded that I fell asleep on the sofa, with no idea what was happening around me and it was only 8:45. I woke with a start to hear my middle child humming in her room and my son playing on my computer. I was not sure of the time, and started yelling what were they doing awake so late, as I felt as if I had slept for hours. It was only 10:30pm.
So when I awoke each hour I was afraid I was late to work. I haven't needed an alarm clock since October. I'm not sleeping enough.
I got into work, and people were saying things that I just couldn't seem to understand. It was if they spoke another language or my comprehension just had taken leave of my head. I didn't understand. They were trying to joke with me or say things with double meanings which usually I get easily and just was fogged. I just could only stare.

I just couldn't get it.

Strangely comforting words for the new year

It only takes a little bit of light to dispel a lot of darkness

Some people give and forgive, others get and forget.

And I said to the mother of nine children. "How do you divide your love between them." She replied "I don't, I multiply it!"

Formula for youth - Remember your enthusiasm and forget your birthdays.

The only way on Earth to multiply happiness is to divide it.

Plan your work - work your plan.

Work like you don't need the money - Love like you've never been hurt - Dance like nobody's watching.

What matters is not the difference between believers and unbelievers, but between those who care and those who do not.

Its better to be hated for who you are - than liked for who you are not.

The voice is a wild thing - It can't be bred in captivity.

Forgiveness waters the seeds of love.

Anger is one letter short of Danger.

Forgive first yourself.

Our word's are the crumbs which fall from the feast in the mind.

God comforts the disturbed and disturbs the comfortable.

The only safe and sure way to destroy an enemy is to make him your friend.

Remember Me?

I am the one who had to sit in the first desk, the first row, right in front of the teacher. remember me? I am the one who always knew the answers but never raised my hand. Remember me? the one teacher would always call on to make me squirm, or embarrass me at the chalkboard. Remember me?The strange quiet girl, always swinging her legs or shaking her feet? I'm the one you would walk by and shove, copy my answers from the test,threaten to beat me up because I wouldn't sit in another area? Remember me, the one who was socially awkward, shy, to scared to talk in public? remember me? I'm the one you shoved in the mud with white jeans on. The one you pushed and made me scrape both my knees. The one in PE that you took pictures of while dressing just to embarrass me? Remember me? I was the one that you took my desserts or my favorite foods, because you were bigger and stronger? Remember me? The one who learned sign language just to not have to speak anymore to anyone? Remember me? The girl who never got invited to parties or sleep overs? The girl who carried too many books? The girl in hand me down clothes and not designer jeans? Remember me? The one you bribed to do your homework for you but never paid?
Remember me? The one who drew your art for your garage band and your book reports but never got any credit, just so you might accept me? Remember me? The girl who's parents were so strict that she couldn't wear make-up or nail polish until she was 18 so you laughed and poked fun at her?

She grew up, and had a life, and had kids, who are also quiet and strange. But you know what? She survived and remembered.

screaming silently

Today i had some things that kinda scared me psychologically. Since I didn't have a meltdown with the confrontation with my parents, I guess it could have been a delayed reaction. I was upset most of the morning. I believe my car maybe on its last legs. I will be in severe problems if it dies. I saw an image of myself in white and doused in blood.very Carrie-ish like. That shook me up as I generally don't see things like that. I also was shaking, probably due to the stress, but not blood sugar. My throat felt raw as if I had been screaming silently. It makes me wonder when I could just snap out of reality. I don't need that to happen anytime soon...

Parental Misunderstanding

It seems that although i am a grown woman with children of my own, my parents still think they can tell me what to do, who to see, who not to see, and what I need to do to keep my life on track,

First, I pay the bills at my home. No one else helps me with the exception of en lieu of child support for the mortgage. As an adult I am capable despite your "infinite wisdom" of choosing who, when and where I go out, or not if I so choose. I am not mentally incapacitated. Just because I made bad choices in the past, doesn't mean I always will. And even if I do, it's my choice to make them. If I lose my freedom to choose, then you might as well put a gun to my head.

loneliness

I spend hours and days alone. I roll up my comforter to sleep by just so it feels like the pressure of someone in my bed. Unfortunately it doesn't hug back.

Communication Disasters

Why is that I think I'm getting my points across when suddenly I'm told. well if you had told me that earlier we could have saved time or some other circumstances. Its frustrating to me that I communicate well written ( albeit dyslexic) but spoken I leave out words or context often vital to the other person to understand. Yet I believe totally that I'm being understood or being perfectly clear.

It hurts when I'm made to feel the ditz, when I know perfectly well (in my head) what I'm trying to say. I get frustrated easily when I can't make myself heard. Its worse when I'm told, "Oh, I know what you're going to say, so don't say it." Those words go straight to my stomach and form a bilious ball.

Even if you think you know what I'm going to say, let me have my opportunity to speak my peace. It takes me sometimes hours or days to work up somethings I want to say and a lot of energy and for them to remain unspoken is a great disservice. Sometimes what you think I'll say isn't exactly it anyway. If you haven't enough time to hear me, then why talk at all...

Little Shiny Stimmy Things

I went to the Target store last night to pick up some things for my kids, as I entered the door, the fluorescent light hum hit my ears and started bothering my head. The store seemed louder than usual, being Christmas time, there are many many shoppers about. Children running everywhere, mothers discussing sizes and what to get who in all this rabble. One of my children comes up to me with a pair of dangly earrings and says "Mommy, mommy you'd like these. They're so shiny!" And indeed they were....

Wading through the muck

Depression and Asperger's. These seem to go hand in hand with most Aspies. Dealing with depression has been one of my biggest things to overcome. I knew I was depressed, most of my life.

I was alone, an only child for 8 years. I was"treated" as an odd child. I was solitary, a loner, I preferred book to people because books wouldn't hurt me. Because I was able to speak, I was NOT considered autistic.(Even though my constant stimming of feet drove my mother insane). My family considered mental health issues to be a blot on the family, something you whispered about but never said in public. There was nothing wrong with the Adair family.

I did not deal with changes well. I did not play or share well with others. I made up entire fantasy worlds where my model plastic horses conversed to one another and barbies were only there to take care of them. I would build corrals and stables for them to live in. I would draw and paint and write about horses constantly. (Anyone say "perseveration"?)

I knew I was different. I couldn't relate to other children and I was sad most of my childhood. I would get beaten by other children who were more aggressive, more capable and more social than me.

If someone wanted a summary of a book, or something drawn, I did it for them, I never asked for anything in return perhaps because I thought it would make them accept me. Of course it didn't. I was only "needed" when there were things to be done. Funny that this continues even in my adult life. Sad really, that you feel you are only useful when someone else deems you so.

Depression has slowed my life considerably and rendered me incapable of sleeping a full night in peace. It has ruined two relationships. It has made me feel guilty, unworthy, and feel that I was the cause of someone's death that was very close to me. It took me years to get to the point that I realized I wasn't the cause. Took me years to realize misery seeks misery. Depression has left me wrung out, without energy, motivation, and organization. Depression has tied my hands for most of my life, leaving me helpless and misunderstood.

Medications are a whole other topic but needless to say, I have only found recent "success" with some meds. Still working through it all, but I think I will survive.

Doling it out daily

I not only suffer from being an autie with Asperger's syndrome (Adult diagnosed, 2003), I have several co-morbid conditions. These things are part of me, but are NOT me.
I have diabetes. I have asthma. I have fibromyalgia. I have anemia. I have depression with anxiety issues. There are more issues that clamor to be recognized but theses are the major ones. These things affect my daily living, how I treat the world, how I survive, how I form opinions to get by. These things affect how others perceive me.

Sigh, life is a daily struggle for me. I sometimes wonder what sense of humor God has to afflict someone with things that just make everything in life much more difficult. But despite all this, I can't resign myself to die. And perhaps for me, dying is not an option because I am much too chicken to even attempt it. I am scared of pain. And I carry enough pain everyday without adding to it.

I have little ones that are affected because of my having them. In my ignorance, I have inflicted my own disabilities on them. Innocent little ones who are suffering now because mommy didn't know. Major guilt, I love my kids. And they struggle every day, feeling alienated at school, feeling different, overloaded, overwhelmed, bullied and unappreciated. ( Much as I did) All I can say is that I wish people would look at why someone is as they are, and not just see that they are different.


If I could say anything to the general public it would be this...
Appreciate and value the people around you, you can uncover jewels in the roughest of dirt.

Anonomous Aspie

At work, I mask. Pretending that I'm all smiles and NT, working fast so I wouldn't have to deal with the public anymore than i have to. Answering the phone with a memorized speech and trying not to engage anymore than politely possible. The great pretender, a fake, a blot. I go home overloaded and overwhelmed and generally collapse into a fitful sleep.

Holidays and Depression

This is my tree that my son insisted I have decorated before he got home. I went out and got the tree spending my grocery money, so that my son would have a tree in time for the holidays. The obligations of a mother don't stop with food, shelter, and clothing. I had it done before they returned but I was exhausted.

I still am not feeling the cheery Christmas spirit. I wonder will I this year?