Yesterday started my week alone. My children have left to be with their da a week. I just have to deal with it. I have been very melancholy today. I only left the house to buy an extension cord and diet coke. I had really no desire to do much of anything. I cleaned, a little, and slept a lot, and wondered why on God's earth am I just not into Christmas, despite me wearing a Santa shirt and sitting by my tree, The Christmas spirit has alluded me so far. I don't want to be alone. I exhaust myself so I'm not obsessively thinking that I wish this or I wish that... Unfortunately this is how life has dictated my circumstances for now. I have to deal with it. Deal with it? I can't even deal with myself. Sigh
2 comments:
i'm never in the holiday mood. i haven't felt holiday moods since the last time my parents went nuts. been a bunch of years now. some of the family is spread out now, too, adding to the disconnection. i think that it will remain this way from here on. for me, at least. i have had nothing to give anyone since my nonwife nondivorced me. it's been spiraling downward ever since. there seems to be no change in any other direction.
Jace, you have to find something in your life to live for, even if its a small thing day to day. know its hard, its hard for me, and I backslide all the time. negative thought patterns are a killer, and saying them to yourself all the time becomes prophetic. The only way change comes about is for you to start small and set goals. small goals. Do what you can, you have the rest of your life to accomplish it. Learn to love yourself first so someone else can love you.
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