I have been sick lately. Physically sick. But I also feel a sickness of the soul. My job is robbing me of joy now and I may have to make some decisions that will affect where and how I live very soon. I have been working for the same government company for 11 years as a temporary hourly employee. But now, my children are older. I am a single mom. I am getting older. I need benefits. I have to have help. I am drained by every paycheck I earn here.
I try to debate the practicalities of if I don't have the permanent position, to resign for embaressment, to try and get disability when I know it will be difficult to prove.To try and find somewhere else that is autie friendly and be able to live off what I make? I am scared to death to look for a new job now. But I am also too proud/stubborn to accept the fact that my job is just using me.
I am good enough to do the work day to day but not good enough to hire permanently? They would rather take someone of the street they don't know?I have the feeling there is some racial things with my boss that perhaps she (herself) is not aware of herself. The last three people that she has taken on have been african american.(two have left) There is one caucasin girl who was transferred in from another department, and she is constantly being reprimanded by my boss who is also african american. Don't get me wrong, I love my boss, but she does seem to put more confidence in the other haitian african american girl(who is now in charge of the money) than either of us. I hate this separation, I am not sure if its a subconcious thing, if its just coincidence or???? Do I try a racial suit with the union if I don't get the post?
I am too tired to fight. I don't know what the outcome will be and I feel like crawling in said hollow and obscurring the light. My eyes are tired, I am not sleeping well again and it is taking me longer to fall asleep. I stand or move too quickly I get dizzy, the eyes go black and I have to clutch something to keep me from going down until that blackness clears. I am afraid to do much alone in case I pass out.
I am feeling flat and slightly depressed, maybe because I have been sick, maybe because I feel the pressure that is just building. Where does it end?
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