Although I am now on the Adderall to help me with concentration I am struggling with the whole getting through a day thing. I love my new job, but the same time I am struggling to understand and keep up with all the paper work. I just can't keep my mind on work with all the crap I am going through. And I had to get glasses this week.
The Dr told me yesterday that my blood counts are way off again, 8.5 out of 13-15 normal hemoglobin and high sugar, though i found that hard to believe as I am anal about what I eat, nonetheless, I am back on Glucophage and I hate it. I hate diabetes! Its not fair that I can't eat what I think I need to eat when I want to eat it (I do not eat badly!) and what I want to eat. This bland, over-proteined lo carb lo-seasoned eating is crap, and perhaps if a Dr could make a decent diet that was palatable and tasty maybe more people would be able to stick to one a lot easier. Also fresh veggies and meat at every meal is expensive. I can eat Ramen noodles for .10 cents a package and adding some veg and cheese and be satisfied and feel like I haven't broken my food budget.
Enough with people wanting to mind my business, I want my own life back, not someone else's watered down version of it. I don't have an exciting life, in fact its rather boring, but its mine, and I didn't give anyone else permission to take it over, i neither want nor asked for structure and schedules and yet slowly this is what is happening. i am being told when to get up, when to eat, what to eat and how to cook and season it, when to take all these meds, when to sleep, whenI should wake up, (god forbid I oversleep, especially on the weekend!) what kind of exercise I should get and for how long and when I should do this and when and who I should see at the Dr's , and the what fors etc. Enough.I tend to balk at people who boss me around, and I am feeling the same way here. I realize I shouldn't feel this way, but I am real good at playing the stubborn spoiled brat, just ask Jeremy if you don't believe me.
I am also back on iron, but the Dr said enough is enough and referred me to a surgeon on Monday. not looking forward to that either. That is the last place I want a surgeon poking around.
Went to see my ex today at the hospital ICU, and he asked me to feed him. I just felt so bad for him, I don't know what to say, Sorry that your dying, anything you need?"Want some pudding?" Sounds a bit trite, No? I feel so helpless as concerned to him and its dragging me further down. I am so worried about everything right now , I don't rest, I can't concentrate, all I can do is just tryand drag myself through each day and get well myself, and wonder what else will happen tomorrow...
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