Karma and payback

There are days when you are damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I mean, you get up in the morning… and the first foot out of bed finds where the cat has sicked up, you clean that up and then start getting ready for work and raspberry vinaigrette just happens to leak out of a covered bowl you are packing for your lunch onto your white corduroys...If I didn’t need to save time up for my surgery I would just call it day already and head back to bed. Through dreary sleepy eyes (I awoke from nightmares about something gray chasing me zigzagging me as though I was being hunted) I stumble through my morning routine. Get to work, the traffic is moving at less than a snails pace and though I live only about 10 – 15 minutes away it can take a good 45 to an hour to go less than 5 miles… not amused. 5 minutes after I am supposed to be at work I pull up, stepping out the door of the car, the clouds drop their mother load of rain on me and I look like a survivor of a bad wet T shirt contest. So much for parking near the door as to not get so wet! My boss is tiffed because she had to sit at my desk for the 5 minutes but she doesn’t say so, she just says glad you’re here (in a grumbley tone) and leaves off to her office. My head is pounding now, and I haven’t gotten through my first intake. Open a diet coke and as I go for the phone which has all five lines lit up, it tumbles. Spilling onto the khaki pants I changed into after the Raspberry Vinaigrette…. Diet coke at least doesn’t stain bright red and after damp cleaning faded back into the khaki. Clean up on aisle 5. Then I snort back a goodies powder which promptly dusts the front of my blouse. Deep breath; not a good sign of things to come. Found out I needed copies of almost every form I had so I went back to use the copier and put it on 50 each. So another co worker, who I don’t particularly care for came up and decided she would cancel what I was copying right in the middle of sequence. Then, she has the gall to call me at my desk to blame me that every time she needs to make copies, she can’t because I mess it up! Called the person to reset the machine, and low and behold, the error came because she tried to stop my copies!!! Feeling a little smug I trudge back to my desk with the partial copies and try to get a moment to go back and make more, funnily enough with no further incident. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Karma has its way again! Anyone ever tell you dealing with office personalities and politic could be fun? At least for me it is a best a daily challenge because I just don’t get why they do what they do. My personality isn’t evil; I haven’t got the claws to stab my coworkers in the back. I am not worried about what everyone else is doing. I just don’t have time and energy to be plotting the demise of my coworker’s career plans… I really can’t/don’t/won’t understand why they do. To me it just doesn’t make sense. I guess I am not like Stewie Griffith out to conquer the world. I really do not have subversive plans to undermine the office government or to steal my co worker’s job title. I think that may be why it annoys them. I am not under anyone else’s control and they hate that with a passion. I am also not into their clique, their race games, or their office co-op for snacks. My office is solitary, I don’t sit at their lunch table, I don’t offer to share my food unless it’s someone I really like. Nor do I really have to have much interaction or depend on them to do anything. I think that irritates them as well. There are really only a couple of people here that really get under my skin though. I guess it’s that way in any office. At least I recognize what’s going on some of the time. Motives though escape me. I can’t wrap my head around why people do some of the low down things they do? What could possibly benefit them? I just shake my head and move on because deep down, what they do doesn’t affect who I am and what I do. The evil people in this world, they don’t know me. They haven’t a clue who I am really down inside. But that’s where Karma comes back in, and will bite them in the butt. One day for some reason, they will need me for something. Then what will they do? Suck it up like I have to when they are being evil. I love to see their faces when they do too… It makes them just squirm and they get that sour I just ate an unripe persimmon look on their faces, (or is that just the way they look, anyway?) Things will come full circle…

Please don't fear us because of people like these

http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2009/03/26/bauer_autism/index.html

Fake people using religion as an excuse....

Just some thoughts for the “”Christian”” community…

I can’t understand how some people take it upon themselves to think they are godlier, morally or better than someone else. Especially some very outspoken Christian people I have come to know over the years. They smile in your face and then stab you in the back while smiling, all under the pretext of “” helping you””. Sorry, I neither want nor need any help of that sort; it feels fake and looks very unflattering for the person doing it. And I am not saying I am not Christian, I do believe, but I also believe in do unto others as you would have them do unto you… I mean, a snitch is a snitch…Reprehensible. Being mean to someone behind their back, all the while acting friendly isn’t exactly being truthful and honest. Not exactly Christian like… Now, in case for those who misunderstand me, I am not saying if someone is doing something wrong that is hurting you or hurting your job, or hurting the way you are living, then these things should not be kept to yourself.

But….

How someone else lives, deals with life, dresses, loves, works, worships, spends their spare time, is none of anyone else’s concern. Period.

First if it’s not your concern, stay out of it. If it doesn’t affect you, and it’s not about your own position, stay out of it. Don’t take it on yourself to report someone doing something you don’t consider “”technically correct”” if it doesn’t concern you. If it’s not illegal, not harming you or anyone else; it’s none of your business. You may find that although you may feel like you are being honorable; but in fact you are making a black mark on your soul, something you will have to live with. Doing a wrong to someone even though you feel you are doing to make yourself look “”right or make yourself feel more powerful ”” doesn’t raise your points in the eyes of the Lord. The Lord knows and sees all, he doesn’t need you as a witness to tell others of what so and so is doing or not doing. It is not our place to judge someone. If we as Christians confess ours sins and repent, the punishment/retribution should not be dealt by our peers. It is not our place to judge someone. If someone is doing something wrong, it will always come to the light.

Instead, why not tell and witness the good things in the world, the good things others do for you and around you? Doesn’t it seem more likely that being a Christian you would want to spread goodness? Does it make you feel all good knowing you could make someone lose their job or hurt them in someway by whispering accusations and rumors? Is there some sort of auto satisfaction? Or is it all a pretense so you can glorify yourself?

I guess this is for anyone who does these sorts of things… I certainly don’t. I have enough ghosts of past problems, memories or hard times, and bad things both done to me and by me that haunt my dreams. I am not perfect but then no one living today is, by any standard. He who is without sin should cast the first stone… I would prefer to love life as it is, as I believe God lets us do, and let others do the same….

christmas numbness

I want so much to have a cookie cutter Christmas, but I also know in my household it will never happen. J is not accustommed to liking Christmas, and we are doing the best we can to hold it together and get the house going for the holidays. J has put up lights and two trees, one for us, one for the children. We wanted to make Christmas nice for the kids, not sure how its going to turn out but we'll see. I want to put carols on and try to motivate us, but the grinch at home says its cheezy. sheez, thump me on the head ok?

The middle kid and I have had pneumonia this week and it seems J is coming down with it too... great! Because my breathing got so bad, I am having to use a nebulizer every 6 hours.... icky, it ramps me up.Plus good ole Prednison and Azithramax, should be done by Christmas I hope, if something else doesn't get me. At least it wasn't strep this time!

MY big BJD is on its way and I can't wait. I got my first Blythe finally too after waiting since May for this doll, I had ordered it originally for The middle kid's birthday in September, she finally came today. J says he doesn't get my sudden obsession with dolls... Honestly I am not sure why... maybe its the eyes, they remind me of me, staring out.....

Loving J, Hating collection agencies, tired and numb

Sometimes I just can't show the appreciation I feel for my children and my husband. especially Jeremy since he has the short end of the stick as I am working to support us.

I have to be one of the most difficult people to be with. I am exhausted all the time from anemia and sleep issues (though I admit now that Jeremy is here it has gotten better, time management (L lax Skilz!) and general Donna Reed housewife knowledge... sigh.

I would guess most people can't understand the realtionship I have with Jeremy, but you know what? It works. That's what is most important to me. At the end of the day I can snuggle up to his warm body and feel loved and know that despite all the difficulties we've been through I can only love him more.

There is no better feeling than to know that he is there waiting on me despite, leaving him at the crack of dawn with two unruly children to get ready for school and coming home as the night is falling and I drag myself out of my car. kiss bathroom, sofa, dinner tv baths for kids bed... my routine... varies only slightly . On the weekends the children have strict orders despite knowing if we are awake or not, not to disturb us unless we have come out of the bedroom. After noon they can bother us if they still need to do so.

Someone please tell me, I have these awful collection agencies calling my phone which has always been in my name, to collect bills for my deceased ex's hospital bill. The worst one is Portfolio recovery who calls with a recorded message asking to call them back. I don't because I have sent back every bill and talked with almost every collection agency about how I am not married to him and how I am not responsible for his bills. J got so frustrated he started putting the cemetary address on them and returning them. Still they send and call although less than before.
They tend to be the ones that end up waking me on Saturday....grrrrr!!!!

Downward Spiral? Upturned Noses, and a Resignation...

Today I feel down, after spending 2 hours in car in stand still traffic, I arrived at my job an hour late and almost melted down. I just felt so anxious and upset with everything I couldn't stand myself. Then at lunch, 5 people came in at once so I didn't get to eat on time making my anxiety worse.
I've been feeling very misunderstood, misinterpreted and generally p'oed at the world lately. I bark at my children, I ignore my doting hubbie, and snark at him unintentionally but none the less. I want so badly to be understood, and that someone see my point, and at least Jeremy does, so screw the outside world that doesn't 'cause nothing matters to me more than him and my kids.
As an Aspie I have always felt outside the clique, looking through a bubble to the inside. For the most part, it hasn't been just a feeling, but a reality. Even online there are cliques, and god forbid you have a different oppinion. Shame really, but their problem not mine. I have enough to shoulder without adding someone's elitism attitude (I spent nearly a thousand for this so no you can't show your cheap fake or off market brand) Silly really when you think of the hours of work that go into them ) I may spend just as many hours working on mine as theirs and sometimes they come out better!. Oh btw I am talking about Asian Ball Jointed Dolls. I have caught the fever for them. I find it very frustrating that there are companies charging 1000 or more for dolls or even that they offer cheaper affordable one, and yet I still can't get one I want because it is sold out or no longer availible. I am getting an Angel of Dream Mo Lan though and I will post the pics when I am done with her but I still owe two more payments.

As an artist, I find the creation of the face-ups, the remodeling of the doll mold facinating. I want to make resin dolls and I will one day despite this forum clique that I no longer wish to be associated with. And when I get my new camera, I will post some pics here of some of the work I have already done and in flickr if anyone is interested.

I won't sell my work, for now, but maybe one day.

I guess another reason I am upset today is because I called my daughter the oldest one, because she was supposed to have spent the weekend with me, and instead I heard nothing from her. She says I should remind her by phone. What?! I have to remind her to come visit mom?!

Another thing is that it's C's birthday. The children want to take little cards they are going to make to his graveslab at the mosuleum. I feel rather heavy about this, I don't want to go but feel obligated.I keep aking him in my mind to please let me be now that he is gone, but I still am getting his bills, his calls from collection agencies etc. Even though he's gone, he still interferes with my life with Jeremy and I know it has to make him uncomfortable as well.

Little by little

This have been in an upwhirl since I last wrote... I have a job... at least temporarily although some days it take me driving an hour and a half in traffic to get there. When I arrive home it can be as late as 7pm... It is wearing on me little by little and I am becoming a zombie me.

My camera is broken and I am working on getting another, but it won't be soon. I am also worried that Christmas will be a little sparse ;/

Life with Jeremy has been wonderful, at last I've found someone who is supportive and loving in every since of the word. He takes an interest in my life, my home, my family. The sincere effort he puts forth makes all the difference in the world and coming home to someone like that is a relief. Especially after spending two hours in bumper to bumper traffic... grrrrr

Money has been up and down but hopefully we will get some more of the back debts paid off and the next year once Jeremy is working should be a lot better (I hope)

Everyone's eyes seem to be watching and waiting on this election. I only hope that people do the right thing, make a choice. Choose change, surely we can't stand 4 more years of the crap this country is going through. Off my political soapbox now, as I really am not political at all. (Honestly I feel I had to chose the lesser of two evils, how bad is that?) At least I made the effort to get out there though and my vote was taken. I am not sure it will make a difference, but at least I tried.Today they laid off 300 more people at county where I am.

The Bursitis in my hip has become unbearable, I received a cortisone shot in the hip last week but it has gotten worse now. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am very burnt out from driving and from pain, I just don't have time anymore for anything nor the drive to do so.