Feeling Attacked

I feel attacked by all sides. There are a couple of coworkers who believe they have the right to boss you and speak to you however they choose.  If you stand up to defend yourself, they have to be the offended party.  One is so ridiculous that she called me out in front of my boss and ended up looking worse for her actions. She thinks she is the only one who works, the only one who does anything, yet at 1:00, she is finished with her patients, and can wander the center socializing.  Leaving me to fend the from desk and count and deal with the last patients, and anyone else that may come in.  I am tired.  My boss may go on leave for 3 month which will be hell because this person believe in her tiny mind that she is the person that should be in charge. 3 of these things are kinda the same… NOT

Long time

 

Sorry I have posted, and this is mostly inner purging… I am feeling the inner most blackness that I have felt since C died.  I can’t explain why, my life is good.  But I do not feel that way.  The pain in my back makes me feel desperate and in tears. My job is frustrating and exhausting.  I live under threats that my job may be taken away at anytime.  Everything just seems hopeless.. They keep saying they are doing something for my pain, but unfortunately to take pills all day is not the answer.  I have to live.  I have to function.  I feel if I didn’t have my children and J, it would be better not to be here.

After sometime, I decided I need this place again.  My health is not what it was. I am struggling again just to maintain the norm.  I can only dream of retirement in approximately 6 years.  I am elated that J is now working so that maybe I can step away from all this stressful job stuff.  Maybe one day I can get some rest and be free of all this.  Tired of fake people, drama, being blamed for everything and not be recognized when I do well.  20 years is a long long time to be with someone and not even an thank you from them Woke up so dead tired and was not even up to coming into work, but my sense of obligation made me.  Good thing too, my coworkers’ mom is in the hospital again. Having only 3 workers it is stressful on us.  Outside order is due again by the 1^st and I have no time to look up the items to get the quotes.

I realize I haven't posted in a long time.. so much has happened, the surgery the weight loss, health issues, J's immigration stuff, my daughter finding out she's deaf, the death of a couple of my cats. Life has been full out running to the max. And I am so tired... I can't seem to get this across to anyone. But, I am tired. Tired of waking everyday and forcing myself to go to work, forcing myself to work and coming home and just not feeling like its all worth it somehow.

Long time no see

J and I just had our 3rd wedding anniversary.(5 years together). Happy happy happy. Something I haven't had in a long long time.

I even took out my clay again and started sculpting. Horrendously, but its a start. It makes me happy, my creativity is coming back. Now if I can just maintain health and stay away from the arthritis pain in my back I will be good!

What 's Mine is mine, What's yours is yours...

I have a coworker who has personal space issues.  Consistently I can be working on something and she will take it from my hands asking is it hers?  She also allows her messiness from her desk to spill over onto mine. if we are busy, working on patients, her work from other patients ends up on my desk. (Thus the snatching)  But I have put her stuff over and over back on her desk and pointed out that she needs to keep her stuff to her desk and let mine be.   Another day I had left some change and 2 dollars in a drawer in my desk that I left unlocked by accident.  The next day I came in and she starts telling me I should lock my desk since I had money there.  So I asked why she was even in my desk to begin with.  She stated she was looking for tape.  So I said ok, so go ask your lead for the keys to the supply cabinet and get some for your self, and anything else you might need.  Don’t go rummaging through my desk, I don’t like it.  I can’t seem to get it through to her that the end of her desk is the end of her area.  I am at a loss, I like the woman but at the same time there is constant loud chattering while we work and she is constantly drawing my attention away from work I am doing to work she says she needs help with or doesn’t know how to do (although she has been working at the job for at least 15 years).  I am getting frustrated and am afraid I will get angry with this person but have no clue about how to maintain a professional working relationship with her when she can’t be professional.

My choice to be numb or not...

Sometimes I find myself struggling with the desire to want to post here, the logical thoughts floating in my head, the others just dredging the bottom.  But often when I go to write, all I can hear in my voice in my head is blah blah blah blah….and more blah.  Sigh (blogger’s block?)

I am not made of a set of rules though I am very rule bound.(I find myself resenting many times rules put in place to placate other people)  I adapt as best I can to the environment I find myself in.  I have trouble dealing with changes but I do the best I can to accommodate my abilities to the situation I find myself in.  I choose to not be mean and cruel.  I choose to try and treat people the best way I possibly can, in the hopes that someday, I might be treated the same.  All this sounds so determined, and yet I find myself struggling everyday to try and keep a smile on my face. J is one of those things that keep me smiling even though life is rough sometimes. J is my shelter from the storm outside.  The tough exterior I don’t have naturally.  It’s strange depending on someone again, but it feels natural and right.

  I met someone today I hadn’t seen in many years.  Her daughter grew up with mine and she stated her husband had died (the year before my ex!) He was a very happy business man, very healthy.  A chiropractor, and yet a heart attack took him away from his wife and 2 daughters. She told me his death was devastating to her and she made it through only with the help of medication.   Funny how these things contrast to my own situation where the death of my ex was freedom from abuse and the stifling control that crippled me as a human.  Because of that freedom I was able to seek help in health and let go many medications that numbed my heart and clouded my thoughts. She has remarried but is not the same happy person I remember.  She told me I looked great,(funny how the difference again shows up) and that I seemed happier.  She couldn’t believe it.  I told her I too had remarried, and she said it must be doing you a lot of good then. I couldn’t agree more.