Paradoxes of Pain,Paranoia, & Insecurity

I am having a crappy morning... I woke up and it took me nearly an hour to get up and get dressed in my cold cold room. My left side of my head has the sensation of caving in and my left ear as if its on fire and aches like a toothache I can't quite reach. Who needs migraines when you can have a cluster hedache! Arrggghhh My brain is in a fog and has been most of the weekend.

I have struggled to stay awake as I shut down in meltdown for most of Sunday. Its a wonder I haven't done serious damage to myself, when I think I shouldn't be driving but have no choices...I broke my passenger side mirror on a mailbox, and am feeling pretty bad about it. I nearly wrecked this morning because an idiot suddenly stopped in the road to talk to someone outside on the side of the road, and that would be all I need at this point. Pull into the guy's driveway if you want to talk, the road is not a parking lot!

I sit at work and have all these what if's and little guilt voices racing through my mind. I keep thinking that I'm screwing something up but finding out what, and reaching that goal in my mind seems to be just in sight but totally out of reach. Paranoia that I just really shouldn't be here, or anywhere for that matter, and I wonder do I really deserve to inflict myself on anyone?

I'm exhausted, I just want to sleep all the time. I know my blood counts are down even though I am taking the max iron. allowed. I can feel it. The aching bones, the I just can't wait to close my eyes. I stay awake long enough to eat and try to unload some of my mind, but I've not been really sucessful lately at unloading.

I need a way to relax somehow. But if I relax, nothing gets done... paradox.