My choice to be numb or not...

Sometimes I find myself struggling with the desire to want to post here, the logical thoughts floating in my head, the others just dredging the bottom.  But often when I go to write, all I can hear in my voice in my head is blah blah blah blah….and more blah.  Sigh (blogger’s block?)

I am not made of a set of rules though I am very rule bound.(I find myself resenting many times rules put in place to placate other people)  I adapt as best I can to the environment I find myself in.  I have trouble dealing with changes but I do the best I can to accommodate my abilities to the situation I find myself in.  I choose to not be mean and cruel.  I choose to try and treat people the best way I possibly can, in the hopes that someday, I might be treated the same.  All this sounds so determined, and yet I find myself struggling everyday to try and keep a smile on my face. J is one of those things that keep me smiling even though life is rough sometimes. J is my shelter from the storm outside.  The tough exterior I don’t have naturally.  It’s strange depending on someone again, but it feels natural and right.

  I met someone today I hadn’t seen in many years.  Her daughter grew up with mine and she stated her husband had died (the year before my ex!) He was a very happy business man, very healthy.  A chiropractor, and yet a heart attack took him away from his wife and 2 daughters. She told me his death was devastating to her and she made it through only with the help of medication.   Funny how these things contrast to my own situation where the death of my ex was freedom from abuse and the stifling control that crippled me as a human.  Because of that freedom I was able to seek help in health and let go many medications that numbed my heart and clouded my thoughts. She has remarried but is not the same happy person I remember.  She told me I looked great,(funny how the difference again shows up) and that I seemed happier.  She couldn’t believe it.  I told her I too had remarried, and she said it must be doing you a lot of good then. I couldn’t agree more.

D^&*nd if you do, Numb if you don't

Some days it feels like D#@# if you do, D%^& if you don’t.  I am still having pain issues with my SI joint but at least I can walk now most days without too much pain. (But, sometimes!!!!)  I have much hope that it will eventually diminish so I can live a semi normal life, that is, if I ever had one to begin with. Pain and stress do not make good bedfellows. I am told losing weight might help…

I started using a Cpap machine last week for my sleep apnea.  Hurrah for Darth Vader.  I have in my sleep taken it off without knowing it because at times with my stuffy nose I feel like choking.  I am told if I lose weight, it might help…I am also told surgery might help but I can not take the month off to get it I will need yet, it takes so long to build up time, and I have to have some time off here and there for misc. reasons. Grrr

My blood sugars from my diabetes have been pretty good, and my energy levels are better than they were.  I am no longer anemic.  My diabetes too might go away, if I lose weight… My chiro has tried a cold laser treatment for diabetes on me and so we will see what the results are in a month or so when I go back for the A-1C.

I want I need… I want to lose weight, I need to lose weight.  To lose weight I need to exercise more.  To exercise more, I need to have some control over the pain levels I am dealing with now (not!) I am eating less, pushing away, not eating chocolates 3 times a week, not snacking as much (I do have to have some sort of snack to keep my blood levels but not eating as much).  Not eating a carton of sour cream for my calcium source (And have been told this is better since dairy can hurt arthritis?!) I am not asking for ice cream. (Though it is still winter and the heat hasn’t shown up yet!) Sweets really aren’t my downfall. I limit pasta, I limit potatoes though they and I have a love hate relationship : I love to eat them, they love my thighs, I hate my thighs, therefore I should hate potatoes But I can’t/ don’t/ won’t… its genetic  LOL

I am told I might be able to get bariatric surgery but I have to over qualify to get surgery approved.  Lovely BCBS is well known for not approving this surgery that literally could save my life. I have been told this is the lazy person’s way to lose weight by someone very close to me.  I am in such pain at times, it just frustrates me to tears.

My daughter has been struggling with hearing issues. It has come down to if the doctor would bill my insurance policy (which takes a large chunk out of my 2x a month check) to pay for aides for her to hear, and let me pay the difference out of pocket , she can get the aides she needs.  For some reason the private ENT’s around here will not bill the insurance.  Now, if I had 4000 to give them upfront, why couldn’t I just go and buy them?! And if I can’t use my expensive insurance which I must carry as a full time employee, what good is it?! Needless to say the past few weeks have been stressful and mind-numbing. We are looking into a children’s medical help service, and should know next week.

Money issues prevent so much. I want to make more money but I can’t change jobs.  If I change jobs I could be moved anywhere in the County, longer traffic times, longer stress, bigger phone bills, more care wear and tear on our only vehicle… If Jeremy starts work, the same can happen;  no one at home when the kids get home, one car until we can get another, and double stress.  What to do?

 

Mind numbing machines

As every month I seem to be adding to my list of ailments, I must first brag on something, I had been essentially crippled by leg and back pain and neck pain and migraines for going on 2 years now. Last week that's all started to change. Now I am a skeptic when it comes to Chiropratic treatment, but I do have to say that the Chiropractor I am seeing for treatment has done more for me than anyone! My G.P. would only prescipe muscle relaxers and pain killers, half of which I am allergic to. Believe it or not,I can now walk without a limp! I am almost pain free! Shameless plug of Dr Meineger: (Miracle Worker!!!) http://www.blogcatalog.com/blog/dr-meiningers-back-neck-pain-blog/9ad21aea4185c8c1c942d9a5cc8aa6d6

What can I say, pain cripples more than your body. It stops you from actually living. It sucks the joy from your life. It keeps you from fully enjoying your family, taking walks, having energy to enjoy life. It robs you of comforting sleep. It makes you nervous and irritable.

Being pain free in less than a week with only mild muscle soreness, has taken me by pleasant surprise. Total praise for the Dr.

Stressors, Holidays, Sickness, Relatives and Numbness

Sigh, it has been a while that I have posted. Several things have happened mostly good, some scary,. I have been extremely busy at work with the H1n1 vaccination program. There are many nights we have had to stay late to accomodate all the people since everyone is getting scared that they will get this. Alot of people have already had this awful mess and don't even know it. Others get it and they are on respirators. The degree that this disease hits people is so varied that many doctors can't/don't/won't say its the swine flu. The other downside is that the testing for the virus is so expensive, they'd rather treat than find out definately if it is or isn't. Although Jeremy and I and the kids may have already contracted it at the beginning of the school year, I got them all vaccinated with the live virus nasal spray and when the injectable came out I also got it. Having Diabetes and Asthma I was not eligible to take the live virus nasal spray, so they (my family) got it easy. Somehow the thought of having to be in an ICU unit on a respirator didn't appeal to me. So many people are scared to take the vaccine. Scared they will get something else from it.

I get really worn down with people not wanting to take this vaccination or that vaccination because they feel it may cause autism. Even though all tests have proved otherwise and the People who did the MMR scandal in England have since recanted their findings. As an Autie, I was born way before thimeresol even existed. It runs in my family, it seems to run in Jeremy's as well. Vaccines do not cause my autism or anyone elses in my family.

Cancer is another thing that runs in my family. My father is battling his third year with NonHodgkins Lymphoma, my maternal uncle Sonny died with melanoma. My grandfather died of heart dsease and colon cancer. My children's father C died of lung cancer adenocarcinoma, and he never smoked or anything like that, he was just a brickmason and builder. So I am preocuppied with getting cancer screenings and watching out for my own health. I am also watching my own children carefully and trying my best to make sure they don't get sick from anything.

Health issues remain a concern for me and I recently had to have a CAT scan and an ultrasound. First they thought I had pain from a kidney stone, so they did a CAT scan, did not see any stones there, but they did find I have arthritis in my spine.... and a cyct on my liver which after having the ultasound is thought to be benign. I have to go back in May for another ultrasound just to check it. All the pain in my hips and back have been coming from the arthritis. Even the bursitis I have was caused by the arthritis. So now I have arthritis in the spine... great. Now what?

Holidays are around the corner. We just got through a family meal for Thanksgiving. Then my children spent a four day weekend with the family of their father and Jeremy and I had our own Thanksgiving meal to ourselves.

Saturday after Thanksgiving, Jeremy and I went to the tree farm in our area and got a lovely frasier fir which is now set up in our kitchen window. The children had to help me decorate it as I have not been well with a sinus infection and just haven't had much getup and go lately.
But that magical day for children is almost here and we are trying the best we can to prepare for it.

I wish there was ssome magic pill to take away the pain of the fibro and the arthritis and just geive me the energy to live a normal life. Instead, I am numb mentally, tired and in pain. What more can someone ask for?

Sometimes Goodbye is a Second Chance....

 A Second Chance…. This has been ringing through my brain the past couple of days and I have sat down at least four times to write this post and haven’t found exactly what I wanted to say.  I guess just making myself write will make it come out eventually and of course, spell check and edit are my best friends. <grin> Cut and paste are their first cousins… lol

Dealing with the loss of my ex has been at most strange and sometimes strained.  The affects of his life/death on my children are evidenced in their reactions to even some of the most mundane things and yet in other situations, it seems exaggerated or clowned. My ex was an extreme person.  He could be extremely nice, brilliant, or extremely dangerous in his rages.  I do not want to delve deeper into explanations, just understand that life at home was at best difficult.

Anyway, back to my subject.  I had a dream about my ex.  In my swirly dream state I had encountered my ex who had returned from the dead to a state much like the months before he had gotten sick.  Life had continued just as if he had died, I was still married to J, etc.  But C had somehow come back; still oblivious to his cancerous condition, still in refusal to go visit a Dr.  And although my ex and I had been separated for 2 years, I never wished for him to go through having terminal cancer.  I was trying to convince him that I knew he was sick and he needed to see a Dr.  He shook his head no, and he told me this was my ”second chance” and then he disappeared. His goodbye indeed was my second chance. This puzzled me.

What could that possibly be saying to me?  What is it I need to do better?  I’m already working on my health; I’m already doing more around the house and with my kids.  J and I are perfect.  How do I make this time better? I’ve decided I need to do some more inner thought on this and get back to who am I and who is it I want to become.  What I was before C, what I was after C and what I am now with J seem to be completely different people.  Some things are forever lost, some never reached their ultimate achievement, fizzling out and fading away, others still are so far out of reach. I have so many I wants, and I’d like to do, and so many things on my wish list that financially I just can’t reach, it seems dismal and disappointing.  But at the same time, I look at myself now, and I feel so much more; mentally and physically stronger.  So many things that I just let go when I left C, refusing to believe I could actually do them.  So many times, I told myself I’m too tired, too exhausted (I really was, anemia does that!) and just numbed my mind with TV and video games and my beloved sofa.

Before, I’d just walk downstairs and be out of breath with my heart pounding. Now, when we went to Cumberland Island after my surgery, I walked a 4 mile walk in a day.  I was tired, but not so much that it wasn’t a normal tired. Yay! I can walk across Walmart without feeling so overloaded and tired I have to leave without getting what I went there for.  I am still recovering, still making small gains, making small goals, learning so much.  Life now has so much more to offer me. I am: able to pay my bills without having services cut off; able to get more physical exercise with less sleep during the day; able to eat less and be more healthy; able to spend more time with my children without running them out of the room while I sleep; able to go places and have a vacation; able to get some of the things done I have always wanted to do; able to actually enjoy being with another person (not something that comes easy for me.)

 

So I guess my second chance is really still developing who I am.  At least that’s what I think, but your comments are always welcome!

 

Tonight I have been up and down like a yoyo, my energy has just left me like a stone. I am grumpy even surly at times... almost manic...
maybe just overtired....

So...

Here I am 4 weeks after my surgery... I have to say I am feeling "much better now" although I still have some pain if I sneeze, cough or go over bumpy roads. Never the less, after day one at work I was shocked to find I wasn't as exhausted as I thought I would be. I did take my afternoon nap to reset (My way of coping without having a meltdown) so somethings haven't changed.

I did find on my vacation last week that I was finally able to walk for more than a 1/2 mile and not have Tachycardia and breathing problems! I do still have some mucus problems from the breathing tube from surgery.

I had a couple of scares during my surgery, my nurse was an idiot. She gave me a dextrose bag (I'm diabetic) instead of ringerslactate. Needless to say my sugar shot up and I honestly thought I was going to die. No such luck folks, I'm afraid you and the world are stuck with me (at least for now!) A quick insulin shot and the bag changed to the proper one made quick work of it and I was feeling much better later that evening. Also had a minor reaction to my pain meds as I am allergic to codeine. I got to get straight morphine tabs...

But vacation was heaven, paradise, and Jeremy was wonderful, helping me with everything. He wouldn't let me do much at all. We went to Cumberland Island, Tybee Island and Savannah before making the long drive back in stormy weather.



I am still feeling the loss of Soli though and still feel her around a lot lately!

The Tybee Island Swings have a wonderful memory for me and Jeremy.