Ava gave me her persmission to use this on my blog so the picture is hers all rights reserved.
Masking is something I have to deal with everyday and when I saw this pic by AVA on Flickr I saw that it imbodied what I feel most days.
Somedays I just go through as a blur only collapsing at home to reset my brain and to restart my evening with my family and cats. Other days, it takes all my energy just to get through them. I am not normal, a neuro-typical, an NT. Life as a generality is difficult for me. My coping of everyday noise, stresses. lights, sounds, people and socialities is not that good.
When I am alone is when I can feel most myself, at least for now. When J is here, I have different copes, different skills, help even. comprehension, understanding, all these things sadly lack in my life atm.
Somedays I am alone with my kitties, listening to my own heartbeat above the roar of the purr of my cats or the snores of one othem sleeping. Sometimes, my stomach leaps as if kicked by a ghost fetus and flips as though its turning in my womb though its been years since a baby has occupied that space. Although I realize this is just a fantasy I sometimes wonder will one ever again.
I laze with out the energy to lift myself up, not from depression, but lack of pure physical energy, and the strain it causes on my aging body. The anemia most days gets the best of me, and that in itself depresses me. I no longer wish to leave the comfort zone of my home, not wishing to expend what little energy I have to muster.
Cooking has become a chore to me when I am alone, unispired, unimaginative, undesired. (I can cook really well, just by myself it doesn't seem right) Not want ing to leave the nearness of the only contact i have atm with J.
Six months to a year... sigh
1 comment:
i feel you
(and no, the blog i wrote didn't have to do with you - you're one of my kind and i am glad you're out there)
masks are a theme i respond to, as well. same reasons. i could just direct people to your posting here if they want to know why. we know.
i wish your time waiting to see Jeremy speeds up and your health improves. consider the depression and anxiety of the stress that's on you... it's is most likely a major contributor to health issues. don't let it win.
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