Today I am alone again. I documented my trip home from the airport with my teary eyes on Flickr.
My partner has gone to England to wait out the drawn out visa process. Lots of BS and Red tape, but it will all be worth it in the end. He will be here to stay.
I am in shock I think, numbed to the pain now. Last night I tossed and turned over and over until I formed a body out of a comforter and his pillows to remind me of what it feels like so I could sleep. Poor substitute.
The ache is deep this time, perhaps not as evident as the first, maybe because I've done this before and know what to expect. Maybe I am just better at holding it in and masking. Still, pain is pain and it cuts deeply.
The only things that seem to help are hearing his voice and curling up with his pillows, his scent still clinging to them gently reminding me what's missing here. Holding myself in a fetal position in the dark and stimming seems to tire me enough so I can relax.
Being an autie is hard, its very hard for me to get used to changes, and although I knew this was coming, I just couldn't allow myself to think about it. I was already feeling down about some other personal failures so it just mounted up. Now it's too late, and its all that dominates my thoughts and feelings.
Life is hard, Love is harder, and if you can find some medium perhaps you can be happy. Or at least less numb...
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