Being an aspie has it limitations. Lots of which I am discovering just now. Seems the older I get, the worse some things have become. The things I was able to deal with as a younger person have become more difficult. I am more cranky. I meltdown much more easily. What I haven't decided is that is it because I know now that I am aspie? Or is it because I just don't care anymore because i know? Is this now my excuse? Or is this my road to self destruction?
Sunday, December 10, 2006
loneliness
I spend hours and days alone. I roll up my comforter to sleep by just so it feels like the pressure of someone in my bed. Unfortunately it doesn't hug back.
it makes me want to cry because you describe so well how i feel. it flies in the face of those who make peter pan suggestions to us to "hug our pillows" when we express our loneliness.
isolation seems to be built in to AS brains as they are. to add on top of it, the "simple" loneliness that may "bother" others, now and then, is absolutely hideous to me, and, i sense, you also.
Or telling us to get over it. Go out, meet someone... Geez get out and go to a bar... Never mind, that being an Aspie with all the noise and ocial expectations, I couldn't handle it.People just don't understand what it can be like to live day to day, week to week, with the overwhelm that life doles out.
my parents have known me for 31 years, my older sisters just as long. they all have had knowledge brought to them. then thrown at them. with books. then shouting and more books. screaming and more scientifically valid documentation than they can handle... in the end... they still don't understand. i think it will never change.
the human being that most interested me in the last several months, as a potential companion, is a girl i met when i was carted off to the psych ward for no reason other than i debated the legality and validity of the contract they wanted me to sign....
this girl, woman, seemed to walk and talk like i am becoming. a living machine overwhelmed by the chaos and madness that makes no sense around us, but is accepted as "normal" by "everyone else." she fascinated me both by her curious behaviors that seemed to be like mine (without the understanding of what it is - she, like most, was not apparently diagnosed in any correct manner)... and she had an attraction factor that was part physical and part "this is one of my own kind."
i don't know what she has suffered. i do know that she has what we have, in her own way. i tried to interact with her when she could handle it because i had the lame romantic idea that someone like me might be more likely to accept me.
i offered my contact info when i left, knowing that she would never use it. knowing that she had her own personal explanations and judgments differing from mine. she was very close to it, but i think just missed it... i watched her studying me for my potential danger level to her (sad, and telling) and looking for the "answer" for her compulsory need to "know" what i am, a compulsion that i myself suffer constantly.
in the end, there is no connection, no understanding. just as i found in several "aspie" forums on the internet. so many different ways in which this "thing" grabs each of us. i felt alien among those i thought would understand.
what irony. isolated from "humanity" and then isolated from most of each other, as well. what my sister has that i lack is faith, belief, spirituality... god. no god i would be willing to believe in would be so evil to have created this terrible irony. though, i know i would be better off believing and feeling spirituality. i think it is where this girl in the hospital was seeking her solutions (but i felt it was kind of a last resort action... but good if it works for her).
the one childhood dream i continue to stupidly hold in my heart is for the existence of telepathy or sensory recorder/playback technology.
yes, there are some who understand. thankfully. though few and far between.
yes, having one's own issues makes one less able to handle the issues of another.
this is something that i have been trying to remind myself in my ongoing attempts to humble myself when dealing with people that make me want to scream. i'm not very good at it unless i understand their own disadvantages. i'm getting good with being open to the issues of others, (actually it's painfully overpowering) but the hardest people to make that leap with are the family members and others who have been close to you for so long that we've all lost those little safety valves and niceties we still give to complete strangers.
Sometimes with the being anonymity of the net it is easier and less stressful to find and maintain light connections with complete strangers who are co-sympathetic to the issues one has.
6 comments:
i feel this
it makes me want to cry because you describe so well how i feel. it flies in the face of those who make peter pan suggestions to us to "hug our pillows" when we express our loneliness.
isolation seems to be built in to AS brains as they are. to add on top of it, the "simple" loneliness that may "bother" others, now and then, is absolutely hideous to me, and, i sense, you also.
Or telling us to get over it. Go out, meet someone... Geez get out and go to a bar... Never mind, that being an Aspie with all the noise and ocial expectations, I couldn't handle it.People just don't understand what it can be like to live day to day, week to week, with the overwhelm that life doles out.
my parents have known me for 31 years, my older sisters just as long. they all have had knowledge brought to them. then thrown at them. with books. then shouting and more books. screaming and more scientifically valid documentation than they can handle... in the end... they still don't understand. i think it will never change.
the human being that most interested me in the last several months, as a potential companion, is a girl i met when i was carted off to the psych ward for no reason other than i debated the legality and validity of the contract they wanted me to sign....
this girl, woman, seemed to walk and talk like i am becoming. a living machine overwhelmed by the chaos and madness that makes no sense around us, but is accepted as "normal" by "everyone else." she fascinated me both by her curious behaviors that seemed to be like mine (without the understanding of what it is - she, like most, was not apparently diagnosed in any correct manner)... and she had an attraction factor that was part physical and part "this is one of my own kind."
i don't know what she has suffered. i do know that she has what we have, in her own way. i tried to interact with her when she could handle it because i had the lame romantic idea that someone like me might be more likely to accept me.
i offered my contact info when i left, knowing that she would never use it. knowing that she had her own personal explanations and judgments differing from mine. she was very close to it, but i think just missed it... i watched her studying me for my potential danger level to her (sad, and telling) and looking for the "answer" for her compulsory need to "know" what i am, a compulsion that i myself suffer constantly.
in the end, there is no connection, no understanding. just as i found in several "aspie" forums on the internet. so many different ways in which this "thing" grabs each of us. i felt alien among those i thought would understand.
what irony. isolated from "humanity" and then isolated from most of each other, as well. what my sister has that i lack is faith, belief, spirituality... god. no god i would be willing to believe in would be so evil to have created this terrible irony. though, i know i would be better off believing and feeling spirituality. i think it is where this girl in the hospital was seeking her solutions (but i felt it was kind of a last resort action... but good if it works for her).
the one childhood dream i continue to stupidly hold in my heart is for the existence of telepathy or sensory recorder/playback technology.
because...
They Just Don't Get It.
Hmmm, maybe she just was overwhelmed with her own issues.
I know what you mean about they just don't get it. But there are those of us out there that do.
yes, there are some who understand. thankfully. though few and far between.
yes, having one's own issues makes one less able to handle the issues of another.
this is something that i have been trying to remind myself in my ongoing attempts to humble myself when dealing with people that make me want to scream. i'm not very good at it unless i understand their own disadvantages. i'm getting good with being open to the issues of others, (actually it's painfully overpowering) but the hardest people to make that leap with are the family members and others who have been close to you for so long that we've all lost those little safety valves and niceties we still give to complete strangers.
sigh.
Sometimes with the being anonymity of the net it is easier and less stressful to find and maintain light connections with complete strangers who are co-sympathetic to the issues one has.
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