New Years Eve, Another year wasted away, another year gone by. Another holiday alone.Unless you count the cat, the keyboard and pc are my only companions. I've tried so hard to keep my hands and mind busy. I need so much and yet I am afraid in many ways that if I start again I will fail. I don't exactly have a great track record. I fear making the wrong decisions, but I know if I stay indecisive about things I will lose again. Catch 22. To trust and possibly get hurt, or don't trust and be alone. Catch 22. I know the possibility exists that I could truly be happy soon. Just have to have all the right conditions, dot every i cross every t. And hope and pray that God will decide this should be my opportunity to finally be at peace and not afraid of getting something thrown at me, or getting beaten in front of my kids, or being humiliated verbally in public. Nothing is worth going back to that no matter how much he begs. I want so much to have a clean slate, to have a right start, to have the opportunity to be me, and not some image that someone has in their head of what they suppose a wife, a lover, and a companion should be. The right to choose to be loving or not, the right to actually have "me" time and not have to be someone's maid or 24 hour entertainment. I want to be inspired to create again, to draw to paint, to craft, to write,and not have my efforts poo-pooed as childish or silly. I want to be able to sit and play a video game with someone without someone saying, "Aren't you a bit old for that?" Sometimes a video game or music is the only thing that eases my over active stressed out mind. Sometimes writing does it for me. I only know I was suppressed for so long that I no longer want that in my life. Sad when you can feel empathy for a video game character and prefer to spend time with him rather than your own "real" life. Sigh, this year has to be better....
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