Wading through the muck

Depression and Asperger's. These seem to go hand in hand with most Aspies. Dealing with depression has been one of my biggest things to overcome. I knew I was depressed, most of my life.

I was alone, an only child for 8 years. I was"treated" as an odd child. I was solitary, a loner, I preferred book to people because books wouldn't hurt me. Because I was able to speak, I was NOT considered autistic.(Even though my constant stimming of feet drove my mother insane). My family considered mental health issues to be a blot on the family, something you whispered about but never said in public. There was nothing wrong with the Adair family.

I did not deal with changes well. I did not play or share well with others. I made up entire fantasy worlds where my model plastic horses conversed to one another and barbies were only there to take care of them. I would build corrals and stables for them to live in. I would draw and paint and write about horses constantly. (Anyone say "perseveration"?)

I knew I was different. I couldn't relate to other children and I was sad most of my childhood. I would get beaten by other children who were more aggressive, more capable and more social than me.

If someone wanted a summary of a book, or something drawn, I did it for them, I never asked for anything in return perhaps because I thought it would make them accept me. Of course it didn't. I was only "needed" when there were things to be done. Funny that this continues even in my adult life. Sad really, that you feel you are only useful when someone else deems you so.

Depression has slowed my life considerably and rendered me incapable of sleeping a full night in peace. It has ruined two relationships. It has made me feel guilty, unworthy, and feel that I was the cause of someone's death that was very close to me. It took me years to get to the point that I realized I wasn't the cause. Took me years to realize misery seeks misery. Depression has left me wrung out, without energy, motivation, and organization. Depression has tied my hands for most of my life, leaving me helpless and misunderstood.

Medications are a whole other topic but needless to say, I have only found recent "success" with some meds. Still working through it all, but I think I will survive.