There just nothing like not being with the one you love during the holidays. This year has been especially hard on me with Jeremy now already approved, my father diagnosed with Stage 2 Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, and my children spending Christmas eve with their father.
To top it all off, my bank lost a check I deposited and still insists they don’t have it… how strange. Even though I deposited it in their ATM in their lobby, and the receipt which itemizes each check was there, the main check wasn’t. (according to them anyway… bizarre!) Just to say 6 overdrafts left me nearly wiped clean for paying anything, food, presents, bills etc. Did little to lift my holiday cheer.
I have been very low in iron counts lately and do not have energy to clean or cook or anything. The day before Christmas weekend started, I had such a migraine headache I could see to drive much less work, so I ended up driving to work and telling my supervisor I was leaving. I couldn’t really afford to do so, but I couldn’t work like that.
This check is going to be horrible with four days out of it…
I went home thinking about the whole check thing, my kids not there, my da sick, Jeremy’s visa status still in the air and just melted down in great shaking sobs. I haven’t sobbed like that in years but I just couldn’t help it, my head hurt that badly and it was all I could do to get home.
I went back home that day, treated my self for the asthma that has been choking me all week, and took a PM sinus pill to sleep, I ended up taking 3 back to back and sleeping nearly a whole day before the migraine finally let loose its grip on my poor brain. I could not bear the lights or sounds, and I really didn’t feel like even getting up to go for the bathroom, but you gotta go when you gotta go.
When the kids did come home on Christmas Day, they arrived at 5:00am and were exhausted and did not even have the energy to see their presents. Because I was feeling so crappy, I just went back to sleep too. My oldest didn’t come over until around 1pm so we were very late getting to my mothers, and to top it all off, I told them to put the gifts in the car, which they did, but the ones they already had and not the ones to give. So Christmas went without my family having my meager gift offerings. Another upset for me.
The kids went back with their father on Christmas night, and I had to go to work the next day. But my da was having his second chemo treatment and since he wasn’t handling them as well as he should be, I felt I needed to go up and stay with them. He is starting to lose his hair and his tummy. He had lost 30lbs when this was first diagnosed and at least he is starting to put on some weight again.
I went back up and offered the gifts. My mother opened one that had two ornaments in it, and little drew drew (2yrs) took one as quickly as she unwrapped it and dashed it to bits on the tile floor (Not that my kids haven’t done similar things mind you). She didn’t even get it into her hand long enough to see it… sigh
So the past two days I have been alone, and my nerves are paying for it.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Conflicted but happy and Numb
Life of late has been a rollercoaster of emotions that has my poor aching head spinning around.
The last three weeks I have been dealing with my father's diagnosis of cancer. (See previous post) The diagnosis process with him has been a rollercoaster on its own. At first they decided he had Pancreatic Cancer, one of the most deadly forms of cancer you can get with only a 10% survival rate. Fortunately with the biopsy came good news.(If there can be any good news about having Cancer) and he was rediagnosed with Non-Hogkins Lymphoma which has a better survival rate of 30 to 60 % at least giving him a fighting chance.
Along with all this, I called Immigration to see if Jeremy's application could be expedited as we can't know how my father will do with this. I found out two days ago that the Expedite has been approved and we should be getting Visa information within 1 week to 14 days. So at last Jeremy will be coming home.
But, the wedding plans are being changed now, as with my father's illness we will not have as a big to do as we originally thought. Probably just him and me and the judge to "hitch' us up. All that really doesn't matter though. All I want is for Jeremy to be here with me. We can celebrate later at a more appropriate time.
So I am happy that Jeremy is coming home, but at the same time I feel I am taking advantage of my da's illness just to get what I want and need. In some ways it's not fair for my da to have to go through all this and not get his wishes too..
Sigh
The last three weeks I have been dealing with my father's diagnosis of cancer. (See previous post) The diagnosis process with him has been a rollercoaster on its own. At first they decided he had Pancreatic Cancer, one of the most deadly forms of cancer you can get with only a 10% survival rate. Fortunately with the biopsy came good news.(If there can be any good news about having Cancer) and he was rediagnosed with Non-Hogkins Lymphoma which has a better survival rate of 30 to 60 % at least giving him a fighting chance.
Along with all this, I called Immigration to see if Jeremy's application could be expedited as we can't know how my father will do with this. I found out two days ago that the Expedite has been approved and we should be getting Visa information within 1 week to 14 days. So at last Jeremy will be coming home.
But, the wedding plans are being changed now, as with my father's illness we will not have as a big to do as we originally thought. Probably just him and me and the judge to "hitch' us up. All that really doesn't matter though. All I want is for Jeremy to be here with me. We can celebrate later at a more appropriate time.
So I am happy that Jeremy is coming home, but at the same time I feel I am taking advantage of my da's illness just to get what I want and need. In some ways it's not fair for my da to have to go through all this and not get his wishes too..
Sigh
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Life in the numb zone
Things have been rather difficult lately with all that has been going on in my life. Let me take you up to speed. First thing, I have been on upped meds for a month now, 2 40mg Citalopram, 3 Buropion 100mg, 1 400 mg Vitamin D,1 Bactrim Ds -16,1 B-12 sublingual 2500mcg, 1 Selenium 200mcg, 2 multiret folic 500, 1 hydrochlorot hcl, at night I am now taking instead of the quarter of amitryptylene… 1 ½ tab of trazadone which has been wonderful in helping me sleep without the hung over feeling I get from the amitryptylene.
Now for the stressful i.e.: potentially major depressing part. My father is 70. First two months ago my da had his second nose flap surgery due to some pre-cancerous cells on his nose. I teased him about just wanting a face lift About a month later my father went to have a cardio stress test and got out of breath so they stopped it. . So they ran some tests and found he was anemic so they prescribed iron pill, very strong ones to get his blood count back up. Two weeks later he was deer hunting with my brother in South Georgia and had a huge stomach ache. Evidently he had been eating for a few days and not getting rid of anything. But my da, stoic and stubborn (we’re Irish, it’s genetic) thought he could deal with it, but finally succumbed to pain. Fortunately my brother was there and saw how bloated he was and rushed him to the ER. Unfortunately for my Da he had an impacted bowel, presumably from the iron pills. 3 Enemas, milk of magnesium and an adult diaper later they sent him home. Needless to say it was a messy experience.
The Dr’s said for him to take fiber capsules and a mild laxative. They also wanted to run more tests to see exactly why he was anemic. When they examined the x-ray from the impacted bowel, the Dr back home noticed a shadow around my dad’s stomach area. He also noted signs of kidney and gallstone. Da has always had kidney stone problems and he is diabetic. He ordered a pet scan. It showed a mass around the area of my dads stomach but wasn’t very clear. So the Dr ordered a CT scan, with dye. Da was allergic to the iodine in the dye and so they had to put him on some steroids and have him in the hospital so they could treat him in case of anaphylaxis. Two days later they did the CT scan and while they were waiting for the results they did and endoscopy of the stomach and upper GI. He said the endoscopy looked good, no ulcer or evidence of a mass in the stomach or upper GI. But… then the CT scan came back…It showed a mass on dad’s stomach, and nodules on his pancreas, the spleen and the lungs. They suspected then it might be Pancreatic Cancer, one of the worst types of cancer that you could get with only a 10% survival rate.
Da has always had trouble with cysts. And because my da was running a fever, having night sweats and chills, there was a possibility of Lymphoma. So the Dr ordered a biopsy, but when he was sent up to get it done there was some major trauma patients that took precedence so he had to wait. But the next day he was taken in the afternoon, and though they had some trouble getting a biopsy from the mass due to the blood supply there, they got the piece they needed. They released my da Friday afternoon and told him that the biopsy would be ready today Wednesday 11/21/2007 we were awaiting the results.
Update: The Dr has determined that Da has Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma Stage two type B, and it possibly can be cured!!!!!! They will have to biopsy the nodules but everything is a little lighter feel now. My Da just cried when he told him that because now he has a chance to fight
Now for the stressful i.e.: potentially major depressing part. My father is 70. First two months ago my da had his second nose flap surgery due to some pre-cancerous cells on his nose. I teased him about just wanting a face lift About a month later my father went to have a cardio stress test and got out of breath so they stopped it. . So they ran some tests and found he was anemic so they prescribed iron pill, very strong ones to get his blood count back up. Two weeks later he was deer hunting with my brother in South Georgia and had a huge stomach ache. Evidently he had been eating for a few days and not getting rid of anything. But my da, stoic and stubborn (we’re Irish, it’s genetic) thought he could deal with it, but finally succumbed to pain. Fortunately my brother was there and saw how bloated he was and rushed him to the ER. Unfortunately for my Da he had an impacted bowel, presumably from the iron pills. 3 Enemas, milk of magnesium and an adult diaper later they sent him home. Needless to say it was a messy experience.
The Dr’s said for him to take fiber capsules and a mild laxative. They also wanted to run more tests to see exactly why he was anemic. When they examined the x-ray from the impacted bowel, the Dr back home noticed a shadow around my dad’s stomach area. He also noted signs of kidney and gallstone. Da has always had kidney stone problems and he is diabetic. He ordered a pet scan. It showed a mass around the area of my dads stomach but wasn’t very clear. So the Dr ordered a CT scan, with dye. Da was allergic to the iodine in the dye and so they had to put him on some steroids and have him in the hospital so they could treat him in case of anaphylaxis. Two days later they did the CT scan and while they were waiting for the results they did and endoscopy of the stomach and upper GI. He said the endoscopy looked good, no ulcer or evidence of a mass in the stomach or upper GI. But… then the CT scan came back…It showed a mass on dad’s stomach, and nodules on his pancreas, the spleen and the lungs. They suspected then it might be Pancreatic Cancer, one of the worst types of cancer that you could get with only a 10% survival rate.
Da has always had trouble with cysts. And because my da was running a fever, having night sweats and chills, there was a possibility of Lymphoma. So the Dr ordered a biopsy, but when he was sent up to get it done there was some major trauma patients that took precedence so he had to wait. But the next day he was taken in the afternoon, and though they had some trouble getting a biopsy from the mass due to the blood supply there, they got the piece they needed. They released my da Friday afternoon and told him that the biopsy would be ready today Wednesday 11/21/2007 we were awaiting the results.
Update: The Dr has determined that Da has Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma Stage two type B, and it possibly can be cured!!!!!! They will have to biopsy the nodules but everything is a little lighter feel now. My Da just cried when he told him that because now he has a chance to fight
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Caged and Numbed
I have surrounded myself in a coverlet and knee deep in a messy house. I have no desire to leave. I don't feel as depressed as I have done but in the same sense, I have no drive to improve things or make them better. I have foggy ideals of details I would like to have around my house. But the actual innitiative is more than I can muster. My health isn't what I need it to be, the energy not there,my time limited to deal with my children and sleep and function on a semi-basic level. Its all I can do to convince myself to eat properly, when all I want to do is close my eyes and sleep. It feels like sleep should be the solution to my problems, when it really isn't. And I yawn all day. I take naps, I rest, I'm taking vitamins, and yet energy is just not there. I don't know what the solution is but I'm doing all I can with the Dr's to try and find a solution. Unfortunately that means more time off that I don't have to take. And still no news on the position I interviewed for 2 weeks ago.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Only a shadow of myself
Things have been kinda rough lately for me. I have been suffering health wise for about a month. Just as I get over one thing another starts... sigh I have also been suffering from the lack of Jeremy being here. You could say I have been miserable.without him but it wouldn't come close. Still time marches on and wedding plans are still in process. If only Immigration would hurry up.
Money has been very tight And my ex has been screwing with the payments on the mortgage and I may be having to look for a place to live. I do not have the money to pay off what he owes. This is a neverending source of stres for me and one I shouldn't have had to worry about.
Someone has been messing with my Flickr account and I am concerned about being accused of things I haven't/wouldn't do.
Money has been very tight And my ex has been screwing with the payments on the mortgage and I may be having to look for a place to live. I do not have the money to pay off what he owes. This is a neverending source of stres for me and one I shouldn't have had to worry about.
Someone has been messing with my Flickr account and I am concerned about being accused of things I haven't/wouldn't do.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Numbed or Normal
Ava gave me her persmission to use this on my blog so the picture is hers all rights reserved.
Masking is something I have to deal with everyday and when I saw this pic by AVA on Flickr I saw that it imbodied what I feel most days.
Somedays I just go through as a blur only collapsing at home to reset my brain and to restart my evening with my family and cats. Other days, it takes all my energy just to get through them. I am not normal, a neuro-typical, an NT. Life as a generality is difficult for me. My coping of everyday noise, stresses. lights, sounds, people and socialities is not that good.
When I am alone is when I can feel most myself, at least for now. When J is here, I have different copes, different skills, help even. comprehension, understanding, all these things sadly lack in my life atm.
Somedays I am alone with my kitties, listening to my own heartbeat above the roar of the purr of my cats or the snores of one othem sleeping. Sometimes, my stomach leaps as if kicked by a ghost fetus and flips as though its turning in my womb though its been years since a baby has occupied that space. Although I realize this is just a fantasy I sometimes wonder will one ever again.
I laze with out the energy to lift myself up, not from depression, but lack of pure physical energy, and the strain it causes on my aging body. The anemia most days gets the best of me, and that in itself depresses me. I no longer wish to leave the comfort zone of my home, not wishing to expend what little energy I have to muster.
Cooking has become a chore to me when I am alone, unispired, unimaginative, undesired. (I can cook really well, just by myself it doesn't seem right) Not want ing to leave the nearness of the only contact i have atm with J.
Six months to a year... sigh
Masking is something I have to deal with everyday and when I saw this pic by AVA on Flickr I saw that it imbodied what I feel most days.
Somedays I just go through as a blur only collapsing at home to reset my brain and to restart my evening with my family and cats. Other days, it takes all my energy just to get through them. I am not normal, a neuro-typical, an NT. Life as a generality is difficult for me. My coping of everyday noise, stresses. lights, sounds, people and socialities is not that good.
When I am alone is when I can feel most myself, at least for now. When J is here, I have different copes, different skills, help even. comprehension, understanding, all these things sadly lack in my life atm.
Somedays I am alone with my kitties, listening to my own heartbeat above the roar of the purr of my cats or the snores of one othem sleeping. Sometimes, my stomach leaps as if kicked by a ghost fetus and flips as though its turning in my womb though its been years since a baby has occupied that space. Although I realize this is just a fantasy I sometimes wonder will one ever again.
I laze with out the energy to lift myself up, not from depression, but lack of pure physical energy, and the strain it causes on my aging body. The anemia most days gets the best of me, and that in itself depresses me. I no longer wish to leave the comfort zone of my home, not wishing to expend what little energy I have to muster.
Cooking has become a chore to me when I am alone, unispired, unimaginative, undesired. (I can cook really well, just by myself it doesn't seem right) Not want ing to leave the nearness of the only contact i have atm with J.
Six months to a year... sigh
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Life lately
First this is second attempt to post this since my keyboard has been acting crazy.
There are many changes going on right now. The center manager who they hired to replace Gloria when se retired has only been there two months and has no clue about how to run a heath center, Bonnie, my boss, got promoted and they haven't replaced her. So work has been chaos. Couple that with the back to school rush fro vaccinations/jabs and you have hell in a basket.
The kitty in the picture nearly died this week with a bacterial infection. It has been touch and go for a coule of days but hopefully we are seeing the end of this. She has been through so much and I just have this need to make her know that I love her and want her to live happy and healthy. We've been through a lot together emotionally. She has bitten me out of fear and pain a couple of times, but now she doesn't even growl and I can pick her up and stroke her and she enjoys it.
My dad had to have cancer surgery on his nose again, At least he's getting a facelift benefit from it,,, I teased him.
And still no word from immigration on when my J will be returning to stay. I miss him more and more everyday.
There are many changes going on right now. The center manager who they hired to replace Gloria when se retired has only been there two months and has no clue about how to run a heath center, Bonnie, my boss, got promoted and they haven't replaced her. So work has been chaos. Couple that with the back to school rush fro vaccinations/jabs and you have hell in a basket.
The kitty in the picture nearly died this week with a bacterial infection. It has been touch and go for a coule of days but hopefully we are seeing the end of this. She has been through so much and I just have this need to make her know that I love her and want her to live happy and healthy. We've been through a lot together emotionally. She has bitten me out of fear and pain a couple of times, but now she doesn't even growl and I can pick her up and stroke her and she enjoys it.
My dad had to have cancer surgery on his nose again, At least he's getting a facelift benefit from it,,, I teased him.
And still no word from immigration on when my J will be returning to stay. I miss him more and more everyday.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Rightly numb...
Waiting is not one of my strong points....And try as I might time just seems to drag. I have taken some huge steps in my personal life these past couple of months such as starting Group Therapy for enpowerment, seeing a mental health specialist to be evaluated properly, started new and combined meds and raised dosage of olds meds, and filed my K-1 application for the fiance visa to bring J back to me.
My boss who has held me back at work is leaving next week, in the busiest part of the year... It will be hell around here until someone figures out how to make things coordinated around here. Since the center manager has only been here 2 months and isn't here more days than not, it is not likely that will happen anytime soon. And so far they have not posted or recruited anyone publicly for the position. But, they tend to be so sneaky around here, then they wonder why we can't trust what they say, almost like they have crossed fingers behind their backs! Paranoia?????
My boss who has held me back at work is leaving next week, in the busiest part of the year... It will be hell around here until someone figures out how to make things coordinated around here. Since the center manager has only been here 2 months and isn't here more days than not, it is not likely that will happen anytime soon. And so far they have not posted or recruited anyone publicly for the position. But, they tend to be so sneaky around here, then they wonder why we can't trust what they say, almost like they have crossed fingers behind their backs! Paranoia?????
Friday, July 20, 2007
A snarling pathetic animal....
Although things are moving along as planned,I seem to be more tired and more sad as the days go by. I am waiting to see the doc next week because I am aching all over, my hormones seem to be all over the place, and I am wondering what exactly is happening to me.
I miss J more than anyone could say and my life has dwindled down to work, nintendo, computer/flickr and kitties with smatterings of conversations with J.
My mother says I don't get out enough,I don't try to go out and do new things, i don't let people get close enough to me, i don't let myself care enough about others... sigh
As much as I have tried to explain it over the years, I can't seem to make her understand that this is the nature of the beast (AS)
And the beast is always there, ready to bite, ready to consume, ready to rip into shreds whatever composure or dignity I might posses at the time, and lay to ruins any organization or energy I may have had earlier.
I miss J more than anyone could say and my life has dwindled down to work, nintendo, computer/flickr and kitties with smatterings of conversations with J.
My mother says I don't get out enough,I don't try to go out and do new things, i don't let people get close enough to me, i don't let myself care enough about others... sigh
As much as I have tried to explain it over the years, I can't seem to make her understand that this is the nature of the beast (AS)
And the beast is always there, ready to bite, ready to consume, ready to rip into shreds whatever composure or dignity I might posses at the time, and lay to ruins any organization or energy I may have had earlier.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Sometimes things make you uncomfortably numb….others pull you into warmly numb
Particularly when you least expect it. At times, you want and need company of friends, and you think it might be comforting to them as well only to find they prefer others to speak their mind or other outlets rather than listening to you. And who can really blame them? When you are depressed yourself, it is difficult to give comfort and or receive it. No one already depressed needs to hear how down you are. If it’s difficult to animate yourself, how can you possibly animate someone else to go on and be content with their life? You can’t and to do so would be lying on your own part.
Lately my kitties have been my only company. Mushu and Soli do their part, and yet the third, Kimiko a sullen abused Persian loathes me through every fiber of her being. But, I will win her somehow. My children have spent the last week and a half with their father. Not having J here, I am alone. I sleep brokenly and much more than I should. I am tired all the time, but complete 8 hours sleep escapes me and I sleep for 2-3 hours and wake.
My life it seems has enough energy for two or three days out of a month to do extra things. Then, there is little animation or motivation to continue. I’ve not had much energy to do many things I need and or want to do. I’ve been dreaming of having a fairy garden for years. I know it sounds kind of silly for an older woman to be dreaming of fairy fantasies. But I remember once as a child going to a garden that had all kinds of fantasy child like animals and figurines and small toys and I was captivated. As an autistic child these things remained in my head like a fantasy and to this day I can’t take them out. So, with the help of Freecycle, I have gotten some concrete border stones and a birdbath, some herb seeds, and some herb plants. I haven’t gotten any magic stones, fairies gnomes or any other magical creatures, but I imagine that I will pick these up gradually in different places, one by one. Hopefully they will all have their own stories to tell behind their selection and it’s something I think my children will enjoy helping me do and won’t destroy because they will want it to stay as magical as it is intended. I can expand on this with time perhaps with a water feature, or a pond or both! (lol) a gazing ball, a park bench, larger stones, moss, ferns etc. I want to make the garden seem very woodsey, very quaint, and with an element of surprise, the hidden elf peeking under a giant leaf, a mushroom that seems real but won’t die in the winter, a butterfly, crystals, geodes, things you find in hidden caches without destroying the (un)natural beauty of the garden, a stump that holds something in its hollow end, a fairy ring, perhaps with fairy size twig furniture ( Maybe something the kids can do!)
Lately my kitties have been my only company. Mushu and Soli do their part, and yet the third, Kimiko a sullen abused Persian loathes me through every fiber of her being. But, I will win her somehow. My children have spent the last week and a half with their father. Not having J here, I am alone. I sleep brokenly and much more than I should. I am tired all the time, but complete 8 hours sleep escapes me and I sleep for 2-3 hours and wake.
My life it seems has enough energy for two or three days out of a month to do extra things. Then, there is little animation or motivation to continue. I’ve not had much energy to do many things I need and or want to do. I’ve been dreaming of having a fairy garden for years. I know it sounds kind of silly for an older woman to be dreaming of fairy fantasies. But I remember once as a child going to a garden that had all kinds of fantasy child like animals and figurines and small toys and I was captivated. As an autistic child these things remained in my head like a fantasy and to this day I can’t take them out. So, with the help of Freecycle, I have gotten some concrete border stones and a birdbath, some herb seeds, and some herb plants. I haven’t gotten any magic stones, fairies gnomes or any other magical creatures, but I imagine that I will pick these up gradually in different places, one by one. Hopefully they will all have their own stories to tell behind their selection and it’s something I think my children will enjoy helping me do and won’t destroy because they will want it to stay as magical as it is intended. I can expand on this with time perhaps with a water feature, or a pond or both! (lol) a gazing ball, a park bench, larger stones, moss, ferns etc. I want to make the garden seem very woodsey, very quaint, and with an element of surprise, the hidden elf peeking under a giant leaf, a mushroom that seems real but won’t die in the winter, a butterfly, crystals, geodes, things you find in hidden caches without destroying the (un)natural beauty of the garden, a stump that holds something in its hollow end, a fairy ring, perhaps with fairy size twig furniture ( Maybe something the kids can do!)
Monday, June 11, 2007
its just emotion that I don't know how to deal with...
Aloneness has been filling my evenings lately.
There is nothing worse than coming home and no one greeting you. Fish say nothing and the cats are so independent that they choose whe to great and retreat.
I am trying so hard to keep myself together physically and mentally, but some days I just feel like coasting along with out so much effort.
Some days I need that extra effort just to get going to work. I sometimes wish i didn't have to go out at all and if I could survive without working I would. But in order to have the changes in my life I want, i must work. I have to pay the bills, I have to eat, and have to feed and clothe my family and pets.
Sometimes I just need the energy just to breathe. Working becomes a chore a lot of the time.I used to enjoy it. Now I dread it.I just want to be at home with my computer (that I have to pay the bill for) my kids, cats and fish and food. If somehow I could live and be able to bring Jeremy here without me having to work would be so great. I just don't have any answers
There is nothing worse than coming home and no one greeting you. Fish say nothing and the cats are so independent that they choose whe to great and retreat.
I am trying so hard to keep myself together physically and mentally, but some days I just feel like coasting along with out so much effort.
Some days I need that extra effort just to get going to work. I sometimes wish i didn't have to go out at all and if I could survive without working I would. But in order to have the changes in my life I want, i must work. I have to pay the bills, I have to eat, and have to feed and clothe my family and pets.
Sometimes I just need the energy just to breathe. Working becomes a chore a lot of the time.I used to enjoy it. Now I dread it.I just want to be at home with my computer (that I have to pay the bill for) my kids, cats and fish and food. If somehow I could live and be able to bring Jeremy here without me having to work would be so great. I just don't have any answers
Friday, June 8, 2007
Double Occupancy Required
Since Jeremy has been gone, I can not stay here. I can not bear the cold sheets against my skin nor the vast expanse of the bed mattress, I am so alone.
And although I have many happy days to come and many happy memories to think about, the every day passage of time is slow and painful.
Some days are easier than other. Today, for some reason has been teary and harder than most.
I never can predict the rise and falls of depression and it often catches me by surprise. I have much to be happy for. But I am so alone...
And although I have many happy days to come and many happy memories to think about, the every day passage of time is slow and painful.
Some days are easier than other. Today, for some reason has been teary and harder than most.
I never can predict the rise and falls of depression and it often catches me by surprise. I have much to be happy for. But I am so alone...
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Hope Springs?
Hope...
I found that I am feeling hope. Something I haven't felt in a while and I am finding it a driving force in my obsessions with my perseverations of photography, my cats, my children, and the love of my life.
Depression has been a funny thing. I suffer waves of it and it rears its ugly head at least once a day. But I am feeling inside a burning hope that I've not felt before. Perhaps its the resignation that Jeremy is waiting in England, and the final knowing that when he returns it will be to stay. Perhaps its the taking on of the two new cats and learning how to deal with them and take care of something that has been just as abused as myself. Or maybe its just an inevitable thing that comes from taking depression medication. I would like though to think its something that is starting to grow with in me.
Finding that I can survive albiet limited in my house with just the two children with me all the time, is a blessed relief. Having all three this past week has been testing on my nerves and my health.
I love my children, but the oldest who had been living with her dad has been testing my patience. That's normal for a teen, I know.
Things were so much easier when she was 8.
The new cats have been a learning experience. Soli the ragdoll is an attention lovebug, and gives kisses all around. Kimiko, however was in worse shape and it will take awhile to earn her trust (If she makes it) She was so emaciated, the groomer could not clip her matted fur for fear she'd die from the stress. She is skin and bones, and has no body fat at all. You can count every bone in her body.
I nearly cried.
But little by little there are breakthrough's and set backs with her. I am currently trying to get her to eat more, so I practically spoonfed her yesterday. We also gave her treats which she wolfed down until she could eat no more. She also like running water and has been suffering from runny eyes (A lot of extreme flat faced persians do) and I have been working on washing off and degunking her eyes as much as possible. she actually tried to play with a string yesterday and for the first time in a week, she licked and tried to clean her paws.(she'd been sleeping and hiding mostly)
So that in itself has given me some hope. And maybe the possibility exisits that things might work themselves out for me too.
I found that I am feeling hope. Something I haven't felt in a while and I am finding it a driving force in my obsessions with my perseverations of photography, my cats, my children, and the love of my life.
Depression has been a funny thing. I suffer waves of it and it rears its ugly head at least once a day. But I am feeling inside a burning hope that I've not felt before. Perhaps its the resignation that Jeremy is waiting in England, and the final knowing that when he returns it will be to stay. Perhaps its the taking on of the two new cats and learning how to deal with them and take care of something that has been just as abused as myself. Or maybe its just an inevitable thing that comes from taking depression medication. I would like though to think its something that is starting to grow with in me.
Finding that I can survive albiet limited in my house with just the two children with me all the time, is a blessed relief. Having all three this past week has been testing on my nerves and my health.
I love my children, but the oldest who had been living with her dad has been testing my patience. That's normal for a teen, I know.
Things were so much easier when she was 8.
The new cats have been a learning experience. Soli the ragdoll is an attention lovebug, and gives kisses all around. Kimiko, however was in worse shape and it will take awhile to earn her trust (If she makes it) She was so emaciated, the groomer could not clip her matted fur for fear she'd die from the stress. She is skin and bones, and has no body fat at all. You can count every bone in her body.
I nearly cried.
But little by little there are breakthrough's and set backs with her. I am currently trying to get her to eat more, so I practically spoonfed her yesterday. We also gave her treats which she wolfed down until she could eat no more. She also like running water and has been suffering from runny eyes (A lot of extreme flat faced persians do) and I have been working on washing off and degunking her eyes as much as possible. she actually tried to play with a string yesterday and for the first time in a week, she licked and tried to clean her paws.(she'd been sleeping and hiding mostly)
So that in itself has given me some hope. And maybe the possibility exisits that things might work themselves out for me too.
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Pain of Transitions
I adopted a couple of cats from a rescue shelter last weekend. One is appreciative the other hateful and grouchy. One sweet and loving and the other such a pill, it makes it hard to be around. The grouchy one, Kimiko was abused, and she has bitten and scratched me without remorse in her mistaken defense of me, (who least she needs to defend herself.) Poor underfed, declawed matted Kimiko, who hates the world but nonethe less I am determined to win her trust somehow. Meanwhile I feed her and pet her when she allows and wear gloves and long sleeves when she doesn't.
Abuse makes people act in funny ways too. It can make them avoident, or clingy, needy, selfish,unstable,or smothering. I used to be needy and smothering, clingy and very unselfish. Till J came along and taught me that I didn't have to be afraid anymore. I was so afraid of abandonment before, I would hold so tightly (figuratively) that my partner would be smothered, without room to be his self.
I am now finding I can find myself and not be afraid that I will say or do the wrong thing, that my loves best intentions will be dashed out the door, or that I will wake to silence another day. There is health and security in trust and I thank God that I have found it
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Work and other meltodowns...
This post has been building inside for a few days. This week I had a meltdown at work simply because my routine had changed and my boss said something that set me off. Normally I would have been fine, but sometimes these "blowouts" come out unexpectantly. That's the thing you see, each autie person has their limits, their own style of coping, their own reserve. I guess I had just filled my reserve with Job stress and it had to come out somehow. I ended up going to a meeting with the director of Nursing where I had never been before, (really good on my already frayed nerves) and ended up reporting the incident about my Boss. I knew the job thing was starting to get to me, because I started dreaming vengeful things about work. Since I either don't dream, or dream heavily and I usually remember when I do, these were quite out of the ordinary for me. Nothing has changed work wise but at least, I felt better. Perhaps the change being that, because I stood up for myself for once, getting a spine, a backbone, I actually felt empowered and able to do so. I don't often have those feeling but something tells me that I must. I am not a child, I will not be held down, smothered or held back any longer. This director has worked with me a long time, and had never even spoken with me until that day. 11 years, and she never even knew who I was...Mousey quiet, studious me, always with my face in the computer. Now she knows me, good or bad, hopefully it will at least pull me off the wallpaper. As J said once, I have become furniture. At least the director knows I now exist in the warehouse of employees out there.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Ashley again
Things came too little too late for the tiny"pillow angel" Ashley. There was a story on CNN (where this photo is from) that was written by Amy Burkholder. "Report:"Pillow Angel" surgery broke the law. ( http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/05/08/ashley.ruling/index.html )
Finally an advocacy group stood up and asked the question "What really happened here?" The Washington Protection and Advocacy System found that Seattle Children's Hospital and Regional medical Center violated the constitutional and common law rights of the "pillow angel" by performing a hysterectomy without a court order from the state.
Due to all the treatments she received, Ashley will never become a woman in her own right. She will never develop any larger, or have any growth spurts due to the treatment she received hormonally.
Ashley is frozen in time as a young child who's body and face will age despite all care by her parents to keep her as childlike as possible.
This angered me before, and although perhaps I've tempered it with time, it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I have to wonder what happens to Ashley if she outlives her loving parents... Perhaps its not my place to worry about her, but there are so many sick people out there. Keeping someone childlike although an adult is IMHO asking for trouble. Peodophiles dream of children like adults.
Having a developmental disability myself, and two of three children who are also developementally disabled (disadvantaged for you pc people) I worry that when I'm not here what will happen to my children. If I should end up in a state where I can not live beyond the function of machines breathing and beating for me,unless I would have some hope of recovering, I would not want to live in that state. I would have to completely cease all brain function though. I can't imagine what it would be like to die cognizent that I was doing so.
I also would hate not to be able to move. And I have a weird revulsion of most bodily functions/fluids so a vegetative state would not be for me. That said, I couldn't make those decisions for someone else for, or against.
And since Asley is unable to decide, someone needs to advocate for her benefits and human dignaties that she has been deprived of, albiet with "good" intention.
I'm glad someone stepped up for her. It's too bad it wasn't before she was so surgically mutilated that she will never be the Ashley she was created to be.
I pray that this never happens to another child.
Finally an advocacy group stood up and asked the question "What really happened here?" The Washington Protection and Advocacy System found that Seattle Children's Hospital and Regional medical Center violated the constitutional and common law rights of the "pillow angel" by performing a hysterectomy without a court order from the state.
Due to all the treatments she received, Ashley will never become a woman in her own right. She will never develop any larger, or have any growth spurts due to the treatment she received hormonally.
Ashley is frozen in time as a young child who's body and face will age despite all care by her parents to keep her as childlike as possible.
This angered me before, and although perhaps I've tempered it with time, it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I have to wonder what happens to Ashley if she outlives her loving parents... Perhaps its not my place to worry about her, but there are so many sick people out there. Keeping someone childlike although an adult is IMHO asking for trouble. Peodophiles dream of children like adults.
Having a developmental disability myself, and two of three children who are also developementally disabled (disadvantaged for you pc people) I worry that when I'm not here what will happen to my children. If I should end up in a state where I can not live beyond the function of machines breathing and beating for me,unless I would have some hope of recovering, I would not want to live in that state. I would have to completely cease all brain function though. I can't imagine what it would be like to die cognizent that I was doing so.
I also would hate not to be able to move. And I have a weird revulsion of most bodily functions/fluids so a vegetative state would not be for me. That said, I couldn't make those decisions for someone else for, or against.
And since Asley is unable to decide, someone needs to advocate for her benefits and human dignaties that she has been deprived of, albiet with "good" intention.
I'm glad someone stepped up for her. It's too bad it wasn't before she was so surgically mutilated that she will never be the Ashley she was created to be.
I pray that this never happens to another child.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
My reality or numbness exposed
Sometimes I just feel ugly. A bloated skin ball on legs that has no real worth, no true purpose other than to be subservient to others. I breathe and use oxygen better suited for someone else.
At times, I have to wonder why my life is like it is. Whose cruel joke am I living out? Why do things always have to be long and drawn out, and complicated and so damn hard! Why can't I for once have something go right or easy for me?
I'm sorry, I guess I am just venting my anger at no one in particular about J leaving.It just seems such a miserable cruelty to have to live this way.
I ache, my pain level has gone up since he left, the Dr. says without MRI's and ultrasounds there's not a lot she can do,
I'm not sure that my pain is actual physical pain or mental or both. I lie down and my legs curl in cramped knots. My stomach churns, I can't take anything for more than 3 1/2 hours, I have the minutes counted till the next pill... How Autie is that?
And yet I mask, I go to work, trying to work at hyper speed, trying to make the day pass faster so I don't have time to think about things. time to think about the ache in my head or my heart or my legs, tired from running up and down a clinic in a 7 mile day in heels.
Yet if I wear flats, my back and legs hurt worse... aren't I made strange?
I convinced myself at 18 I was too short and had to wear heels to make me look taller and longer legged. Not for anyone else but just to appear attractive to me. I never really think of myself as being attractive to anyone and it always surprises me when someone gives me a compliment. I just can't figure people out.
One night I went to a place to do a survey for money and there were snacks and drinks set out on a table. The Receptionist told me to help myself to the snacks. Being diabetic, I grabbed a coke, and a man sitting near the table said,"That'll be $2" I stammered, "What?" because I wasn't expecting anyone to speak to me."That'll be $2" I really didn't know how to take him, whether he was being serious or no, so I told him "He'd have to wait until after the survey because I didn't bring my purse and had no cash with me." He still insisted "But you still owe me $2." I sat the coke down next to my chair, and tried not to look at him, and watched as others grabbed water and chips and yet he said nothing to any of them. I was confused, but they called me in to the survey and I left the can of coke there since I didn't have any money. Turns out he was joking. I felt humiliated as I didn't know what to say, or how to take him. I can not read people.
Sigh...
At times, I have to wonder why my life is like it is. Whose cruel joke am I living out? Why do things always have to be long and drawn out, and complicated and so damn hard! Why can't I for once have something go right or easy for me?
I'm sorry, I guess I am just venting my anger at no one in particular about J leaving.It just seems such a miserable cruelty to have to live this way.
I ache, my pain level has gone up since he left, the Dr. says without MRI's and ultrasounds there's not a lot she can do,
I'm not sure that my pain is actual physical pain or mental or both. I lie down and my legs curl in cramped knots. My stomach churns, I can't take anything for more than 3 1/2 hours, I have the minutes counted till the next pill... How Autie is that?
And yet I mask, I go to work, trying to work at hyper speed, trying to make the day pass faster so I don't have time to think about things. time to think about the ache in my head or my heart or my legs, tired from running up and down a clinic in a 7 mile day in heels.
Yet if I wear flats, my back and legs hurt worse... aren't I made strange?
I convinced myself at 18 I was too short and had to wear heels to make me look taller and longer legged. Not for anyone else but just to appear attractive to me. I never really think of myself as being attractive to anyone and it always surprises me when someone gives me a compliment. I just can't figure people out.
One night I went to a place to do a survey for money and there were snacks and drinks set out on a table. The Receptionist told me to help myself to the snacks. Being diabetic, I grabbed a coke, and a man sitting near the table said,"That'll be $2" I stammered, "What?" because I wasn't expecting anyone to speak to me."That'll be $2" I really didn't know how to take him, whether he was being serious or no, so I told him "He'd have to wait until after the survey because I didn't bring my purse and had no cash with me." He still insisted "But you still owe me $2." I sat the coke down next to my chair, and tried not to look at him, and watched as others grabbed water and chips and yet he said nothing to any of them. I was confused, but they called me in to the survey and I left the can of coke there since I didn't have any money. Turns out he was joking. I felt humiliated as I didn't know what to say, or how to take him. I can not read people.
Sigh...
Monday, April 30, 2007
Missing you... Overwhelming Numb
Today I am alone again. I documented my trip home from the airport with my teary eyes on Flickr.
My partner has gone to England to wait out the drawn out visa process. Lots of BS and Red tape, but it will all be worth it in the end. He will be here to stay.
I am in shock I think, numbed to the pain now. Last night I tossed and turned over and over until I formed a body out of a comforter and his pillows to remind me of what it feels like so I could sleep. Poor substitute.
The ache is deep this time, perhaps not as evident as the first, maybe because I've done this before and know what to expect. Maybe I am just better at holding it in and masking. Still, pain is pain and it cuts deeply.
The only things that seem to help are hearing his voice and curling up with his pillows, his scent still clinging to them gently reminding me what's missing here. Holding myself in a fetal position in the dark and stimming seems to tire me enough so I can relax.
Being an autie is hard, its very hard for me to get used to changes, and although I knew this was coming, I just couldn't allow myself to think about it. I was already feeling down about some other personal failures so it just mounted up. Now it's too late, and its all that dominates my thoughts and feelings.
Life is hard, Love is harder, and if you can find some medium perhaps you can be happy. Or at least less numb...
My partner has gone to England to wait out the drawn out visa process. Lots of BS and Red tape, but it will all be worth it in the end. He will be here to stay.
I am in shock I think, numbed to the pain now. Last night I tossed and turned over and over until I formed a body out of a comforter and his pillows to remind me of what it feels like so I could sleep. Poor substitute.
The ache is deep this time, perhaps not as evident as the first, maybe because I've done this before and know what to expect. Maybe I am just better at holding it in and masking. Still, pain is pain and it cuts deeply.
The only things that seem to help are hearing his voice and curling up with his pillows, his scent still clinging to them gently reminding me what's missing here. Holding myself in a fetal position in the dark and stimming seems to tire me enough so I can relax.
Being an autie is hard, its very hard for me to get used to changes, and although I knew this was coming, I just couldn't allow myself to think about it. I was already feeling down about some other personal failures so it just mounted up. Now it's too late, and its all that dominates my thoughts and feelings.
Life is hard, Love is harder, and if you can find some medium perhaps you can be happy. Or at least less numb...
Thursday, April 12, 2007
running barefoot
Mostly, I am a calm but underneath anxious person. I am not hyper, but there are times when I do feel overly caffeinated, and feel my heart racing along. At times there is in me a rage I do not recognize. It bubbles underneath the surface until I am alone with myself and slowly bursts its way out, in a rush I fail to comprehend. It is an anger not really directed at anyone or anything but just a powerful outburst of feelings/emotions that seem so alien to me. It wrecks me and reduces me to tears .I grab onto what ever is available with all my strength until my hands turn white from the lack of circulation. A scream is strangulated in my throat. I stare out into no where in particular and try to calm myself, but I shake and stim just to do so. I try to dry tears, but they come faster than I can wipe, and although I don’t want to cry I have no choice in the matter. I hate to cry, it makes me feel weak.
Curling up in a ball is only a temporary solution once I arrive home and it takes the better part of an hour and a half before I feel even up to some “Zelda therapy”. I am wondering know if this may be hormonal changes, or if I need to recalculate what I am taking… Is there anything for this? Why do I feel so helpless and annoyed?
Rage for me does not come easy. Anger itself is not really a strong focus factor for me. Even when I should stay mad at someone, I just can’t. I am too forgiving, too gentle too loving, too weak to hold grudges. I silently resign myself to put up and shut up. I can voice what I feel, but not well. Better the words come out here… here they are safe. Here I can’t endanger my job, my health, my life, my love, and my friendships.
I have few close friends and I am not good with keeping up with the ones I have. I feel guilty, weak and not capable of maintaining or understanding how to maintain friendships and other relationships. Alien is the word that keeps running through my mind. I am Alone, a Loner, and yet so despicably dependant that I need people. I need my love, I need people around me. Yet once they are there, I do not know what to do to keep them there. Sometimes, I don’t want them there, and I feel terrible for having these thoughts. Go away, leave me alone, and let me work in peace. Yet once I have the thought, its no, don’t go, I’m sorry, what do you need? Sigh. I just feel torn in between the need to be alone and the need to have people near. Sometimes I feel I am too weird to have anyone around me. I tend to overcompensate by over expressing things I think I need or want to show as affection of the person and just totally make an ass of myself. Then afterward, I am stupidly confused as to why I messed up.
Sleep gives me a release when it does finally come, yet my thoughts have been so disturbed by my odd dreams that rest really doesn’t happen. I awake many times confused as to where I am, what day is it, and what I am supposed to be doing. Awake tired most days, and struggle through my day until afternoon when I can finally say I am feeling awake. I am definitely not a morning person.
I still feel in transition mentally and I am working towards a possible resolution to some of my conundrums. But it won’t be easy or quick. There is no magic pill, no magic wand, no spell to overcome my difficulties. The road is paved with sharp jagged rocks and glass and I am running barefoot forward.
Curling up in a ball is only a temporary solution once I arrive home and it takes the better part of an hour and a half before I feel even up to some “Zelda therapy”. I am wondering know if this may be hormonal changes, or if I need to recalculate what I am taking… Is there anything for this? Why do I feel so helpless and annoyed?
Rage for me does not come easy. Anger itself is not really a strong focus factor for me. Even when I should stay mad at someone, I just can’t. I am too forgiving, too gentle too loving, too weak to hold grudges. I silently resign myself to put up and shut up. I can voice what I feel, but not well. Better the words come out here… here they are safe. Here I can’t endanger my job, my health, my life, my love, and my friendships.
I have few close friends and I am not good with keeping up with the ones I have. I feel guilty, weak and not capable of maintaining or understanding how to maintain friendships and other relationships. Alien is the word that keeps running through my mind. I am Alone, a Loner, and yet so despicably dependant that I need people. I need my love, I need people around me. Yet once they are there, I do not know what to do to keep them there. Sometimes, I don’t want them there, and I feel terrible for having these thoughts. Go away, leave me alone, and let me work in peace. Yet once I have the thought, its no, don’t go, I’m sorry, what do you need? Sigh. I just feel torn in between the need to be alone and the need to have people near. Sometimes I feel I am too weird to have anyone around me. I tend to overcompensate by over expressing things I think I need or want to show as affection of the person and just totally make an ass of myself. Then afterward, I am stupidly confused as to why I messed up.
Sleep gives me a release when it does finally come, yet my thoughts have been so disturbed by my odd dreams that rest really doesn’t happen. I awake many times confused as to where I am, what day is it, and what I am supposed to be doing. Awake tired most days, and struggle through my day until afternoon when I can finally say I am feeling awake. I am definitely not a morning person.
I still feel in transition mentally and I am working towards a possible resolution to some of my conundrums. But it won’t be easy or quick. There is no magic pill, no magic wand, no spell to overcome my difficulties. The road is paved with sharp jagged rocks and glass and I am running barefoot forward.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
New replacing old
The past several days I have been in a transition mentally. My energy levels are still not where they should be and I am "hung over" from the pills to make me sleep when it doesn't want to come naturally. This transition for me though has brought me thoughts of people I haven't thought of in years, sadness from old relationships, friends and lost loves,just basic melancholia that hangs and drags a tear or two out. I have no real understanding as to why I am thinking abut all these people. In fact its rather strange that I thought of my advanced Chem IV class lab partner who used to call me Singe( because of my red hair) and who later ran off with our Algebra one teacher for 2 weeks. Scandalous to say the least. Never knew if it was true, but the rumors persisted and the teacher never returned to school.
I also thought of an old ex if you could call it that of someone who i believed to be mine and really was noone's, that really only ended a bout a year ago when I met my new. I don't miss this person yet I do still think from time what's this person doing now, or is he alright? I often wonder what happens to people after they fall silent, after they go on with their own lives and leave you behind to start another, or do they? Do they continue to "be okay?" Is it any of my business still to wonder? Do they ever wonder about me? Do I ever really want to know? Am I just being nosey or do I still care?
I guess I will always care about people that were in my life at one time or another, even if they don't care about me in anymore. Even though I am contented and very spoiled in my relationship I have now, my mind will wander to the I wonder what happened to_____?
It doesn't seem to be that I want or need any of these memories or that I am wishfully wanting to return to them. As the days fly by, I am trying to make as many new memories as I can, knowing that memories will be what holds my relationship together when we are separated. That separation is once again weighing on me and perhaps what is stirring so many thoughts of old to the front of my mind. All I can think is perhaps they are making space for the new...
I also thought of an old ex if you could call it that of someone who i believed to be mine and really was noone's, that really only ended a bout a year ago when I met my new. I don't miss this person yet I do still think from time what's this person doing now, or is he alright? I often wonder what happens to people after they fall silent, after they go on with their own lives and leave you behind to start another, or do they? Do they continue to "be okay?" Is it any of my business still to wonder? Do they ever wonder about me? Do I ever really want to know? Am I just being nosey or do I still care?
I guess I will always care about people that were in my life at one time or another, even if they don't care about me in anymore. Even though I am contented and very spoiled in my relationship I have now, my mind will wander to the I wonder what happened to_____?
It doesn't seem to be that I want or need any of these memories or that I am wishfully wanting to return to them. As the days fly by, I am trying to make as many new memories as I can, knowing that memories will be what holds my relationship together when we are separated. That separation is once again weighing on me and perhaps what is stirring so many thoughts of old to the front of my mind. All I can think is perhaps they are making space for the new...
Monday, April 2, 2007
Lost Friend
She always knew me,
She understood me through my growing pains
The pains of rejections of society
The pains of loneliness
The pains of losing though I should have won.
The pains of popularity,
We were alike she and I.
Pushed aside by the popular cliks.
Not so beautiful,
But never pretty enough
Always strange and different.
So serious,
Bookworms,
Like minds,
Always with the answer but unwilling to say so.
Rejected by the jockboys,
Coveted by the geeks,teachers and aides,
Pride of academics and honor societies,
Advanced classes,
Language clubs,
Teachers aides.
We became our own clik,
Then school ended.
She went to one college, I another,
She dated the teachers we had in school,
I remained alone for years,
We wrote,
An occasional how are you,
What’s happening in your life,
The divorce of her parents,
The 50th anniversdary of mine…
Two maybe three times,
Then silence,
Not another word passed.
Lost in our worlds
Lost friends.
She understood me through my growing pains
The pains of rejections of society
The pains of loneliness
The pains of losing though I should have won.
The pains of popularity,
We were alike she and I.
Pushed aside by the popular cliks.
Not so beautiful,
But never pretty enough
Always strange and different.
So serious,
Bookworms,
Like minds,
Always with the answer but unwilling to say so.
Rejected by the jockboys,
Coveted by the geeks,teachers and aides,
Pride of academics and honor societies,
Advanced classes,
Language clubs,
Teachers aides.
We became our own clik,
Then school ended.
She went to one college, I another,
She dated the teachers we had in school,
I remained alone for years,
We wrote,
An occasional how are you,
What’s happening in your life,
The divorce of her parents,
The 50th anniversdary of mine…
Two maybe three times,
Then silence,
Not another word passed.
Lost in our worlds
Lost friends.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
The curve of road
The curve of road
There are times when you are traveling up the road of your life and the road seems to veer from the direction you were taking. It is scary to not be able to see ahead and know that the road will be passable and friendly. That there are no monsters just around the next bend when all you had before was sunshine and happiness. Each diversion from your straight path is filled with dark twisty bends, and snarling noises in the dark. Life, has no guarantees. Nothing remains the same, there is always change. There is no mapquest for taking the right path or guide book to say this is what you must do. Of course, there are self help books and bibles that can help steer you. But the final choices are your own. Good or bad, you will live with and suffer any consequences as a direct result of your freedom to choose. Choose wisely, step firmly, turning back is not an option. Go forth bravely, with your heart in your hands, protect it if you must, but be not afraid to see your new future.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
But one of these things just doesn't belong here....
Missing you today.
Sitting alone trying to work through the fog. I am here, but my heart is there, not so far that I can’t reach it with time, but just far enough to be out of reach when all I need is to be able to reach out with my fingertips and brush your hair from your face, and see the soft outline of your face in the twilight. To hear your voice dusky with passion, and feel you hold me with strength that comes from within as well as out. I feel your need and answer with mine But here, it falls unheard. I am waiting for a moment of peace. A peace, I find only when I am with you
Sitting alone trying to work through the fog. I am here, but my heart is there, not so far that I can’t reach it with time, but just far enough to be out of reach when all I need is to be able to reach out with my fingertips and brush your hair from your face, and see the soft outline of your face in the twilight. To hear your voice dusky with passion, and feel you hold me with strength that comes from within as well as out. I feel your need and answer with mine But here, it falls unheard. I am waiting for a moment of peace. A peace, I find only when I am with you
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Hollow inside...
I have been sick lately. Physically sick. But I also feel a sickness of the soul. My job is robbing me of joy now and I may have to make some decisions that will affect where and how I live very soon. I have been working for the same government company for 11 years as a temporary hourly employee. But now, my children are older. I am a single mom. I am getting older. I need benefits. I have to have help. I am drained by every paycheck I earn here.
I try to debate the practicalities of if I don't have the permanent position, to resign for embaressment, to try and get disability when I know it will be difficult to prove.To try and find somewhere else that is autie friendly and be able to live off what I make? I am scared to death to look for a new job now. But I am also too proud/stubborn to accept the fact that my job is just using me.
I am good enough to do the work day to day but not good enough to hire permanently? They would rather take someone of the street they don't know?I have the feeling there is some racial things with my boss that perhaps she (herself) is not aware of herself. The last three people that she has taken on have been african american.(two have left) There is one caucasin girl who was transferred in from another department, and she is constantly being reprimanded by my boss who is also african american. Don't get me wrong, I love my boss, but she does seem to put more confidence in the other haitian african american girl(who is now in charge of the money) than either of us. I hate this separation, I am not sure if its a subconcious thing, if its just coincidence or???? Do I try a racial suit with the union if I don't get the post?
I am too tired to fight. I don't know what the outcome will be and I feel like crawling in said hollow and obscurring the light. My eyes are tired, I am not sleeping well again and it is taking me longer to fall asleep. I stand or move too quickly I get dizzy, the eyes go black and I have to clutch something to keep me from going down until that blackness clears. I am afraid to do much alone in case I pass out.
I am feeling flat and slightly depressed, maybe because I have been sick, maybe because I feel the pressure that is just building. Where does it end?
I try to debate the practicalities of if I don't have the permanent position, to resign for embaressment, to try and get disability when I know it will be difficult to prove.To try and find somewhere else that is autie friendly and be able to live off what I make? I am scared to death to look for a new job now. But I am also too proud/stubborn to accept the fact that my job is just using me.
I am good enough to do the work day to day but not good enough to hire permanently? They would rather take someone of the street they don't know?I have the feeling there is some racial things with my boss that perhaps she (herself) is not aware of herself. The last three people that she has taken on have been african american.(two have left) There is one caucasin girl who was transferred in from another department, and she is constantly being reprimanded by my boss who is also african american. Don't get me wrong, I love my boss, but she does seem to put more confidence in the other haitian african american girl(who is now in charge of the money) than either of us. I hate this separation, I am not sure if its a subconcious thing, if its just coincidence or???? Do I try a racial suit with the union if I don't get the post?
I am too tired to fight. I don't know what the outcome will be and I feel like crawling in said hollow and obscurring the light. My eyes are tired, I am not sleeping well again and it is taking me longer to fall asleep. I stand or move too quickly I get dizzy, the eyes go black and I have to clutch something to keep me from going down until that blackness clears. I am afraid to do much alone in case I pass out.
I am feeling flat and slightly depressed, maybe because I have been sick, maybe because I feel the pressure that is just building. Where does it end?
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
The front door of the office
Just outside this door is one of the warmest days we have had all year. Just behind this door at a reception desk, sits a tired, sore sleepy autie woman who feels a touch a spring fever and just wants to vacate the premises. Lately its been really difficult to get out of bed. This weekend I have to do Saturday clinic and that night the time gains an hour so I will lose an hour of sleep.... grrrrr
Monday, March 5, 2007
Days of Pain
I know that being active is good for me. But sometimes my capacities to do thing are so disimular from other "normal" people that I get frustrated by my own physical limitations. I have asthma, and it will always act up when I am trying to force my body to do things it should be capable of doing. Exercise induced asthma, dust, temperature, over-exertion bring on the huffing as i can not physically bring enough air into my lungs as much as I want to. I get exhausted by this and it makes me grumpy if I use the inhaler or other asthma remedies. I also suffer from fibromyalgia, a connective tissure dissorder which affects any tendon I might have. Strenous exercise is good for it, but it also makes the next day very painful to suffer through. I also have bad knees and a bad hip which prevent me from doing much up and down so when i do climb mountains, although beautiful and I do enjoy it at the time, its always buy now, pay later. I ofter don't have enough reserves to recover quickly enough from buy now pay later, especially with the anemia. The new tablets seems to be working out, but I've not seen any energy boost. I only hope that could be coming...
Friday, March 2, 2007
The wait drags on and on
I received this in my email at work today after inquiring about the interview I did over a month ago...
"Yes, a decision has been made regarding one of the positions and letters should be going out next week. We still have one to fill and a final decision has not been made regarding that one. Hopefully within the next week we will be able to send out letters to everyone that applied."
Sigh, waiting is a hard thing for me, and negative thinking tends to cloud my thoughts with what ifs. If they don't accept me, I feel I should/must resign, out of pride and dignity. After 11 years of dutiful service, it would be a crushing blow to my ego for sure.
On the other hand things will be so much better if I do get the position. I will have a pay raise, benefits which include retirement, medical insurance,paid vacation, and sick days. Something I really need and look forward to. I want to have something to show for the time I have put in, the work etc...
"Yes, a decision has been made regarding one of the positions and letters should be going out next week. We still have one to fill and a final decision has not been made regarding that one. Hopefully within the next week we will be able to send out letters to everyone that applied."
Sigh, waiting is a hard thing for me, and negative thinking tends to cloud my thoughts with what ifs. If they don't accept me, I feel I should/must resign, out of pride and dignity. After 11 years of dutiful service, it would be a crushing blow to my ego for sure.
On the other hand things will be so much better if I do get the position. I will have a pay raise, benefits which include retirement, medical insurance,paid vacation, and sick days. Something I really need and look forward to. I want to have something to show for the time I have put in, the work etc...
Friday, February 23, 2007
Imperfectionist
I am really good at:
staring.
stimming.
overthinking.
over feeling.
overeating.
being less than a human.
never having enough energy.
never reaching goals I have for myself.
not feeling what I think I should feel.
not being who I should be.
not being where I want to be.
being incredibly sarcastic and ironic.
I am really unsure of myself when I am:
feeling for another person.
writing clear thoughts.
being a human being.
being a energetic.
being full of life.
coping with everyday stress.
being a perfectionist.
being organized.
collecting my thoughts.
expressing my thoughts.
making myself understood to myself and to others.
I am really good at:
making messes of my life.
making disasters in the lives of others.
feeling insecure.
being indecisive.
being needy.
being jealous.
being greedy.
I am really bad at:
taking care of things on time.
Responding for myself in a timely manner.
speaking.
keeping myself in a clean and neat form.
not spilling, not dropping,not scuffing.
business protocol.
office politics.
originality
I am really good at:
being a advocate.
being similar.
following.
copying.
miming.
masking.
being distracted easily.
learning languages.
mazes.
falling.
getting sick.
being imperfect.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
New Meds
Went to the Dr's yesterday and got a new prescription for a new Iron supplement that hasn't been recalled. Have to go back in a month for more blood work to make sure its taking some affect. I also got a B-12 shot and a TD shot which left my arm a bit sore. Turns out the shot incapsulated which formed a sterile abscess and a subdural hematoma. I have been dragging lately. I keep hoping they will let me know that I have the position or not as it has been three weeks now and still nothing. Without the insurance I can't have the ultrasound/surgery that I might need to combat the anemia and any other problem they might find. I only hope I can stay healthy long enough to find out...
Monday, February 19, 2007
Paradoxes of Pain,Paranoia, & Insecurity
I am having a crappy morning... I woke up and it took me nearly an hour to get up and get dressed in my cold cold room. My left side of my head has the sensation of caving in and my left ear as if its on fire and aches like a toothache I can't quite reach. Who needs migraines when you can have a cluster hedache! Arrggghhh My brain is in a fog and has been most of the weekend.
I have struggled to stay awake as I shut down in meltdown for most of Sunday. Its a wonder I haven't done serious damage to myself, when I think I shouldn't be driving but have no choices...I broke my passenger side mirror on a mailbox, and am feeling pretty bad about it. I nearly wrecked this morning because an idiot suddenly stopped in the road to talk to someone outside on the side of the road, and that would be all I need at this point. Pull into the guy's driveway if you want to talk, the road is not a parking lot!
I sit at work and have all these what if's and little guilt voices racing through my mind. I keep thinking that I'm screwing something up but finding out what, and reaching that goal in my mind seems to be just in sight but totally out of reach. Paranoia that I just really shouldn't be here, or anywhere for that matter, and I wonder do I really deserve to inflict myself on anyone?
I'm exhausted, I just want to sleep all the time. I know my blood counts are down even though I am taking the max iron. allowed. I can feel it. The aching bones, the I just can't wait to close my eyes. I stay awake long enough to eat and try to unload some of my mind, but I've not been really sucessful lately at unloading.
I need a way to relax somehow. But if I relax, nothing gets done... paradox.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Valentines Day or numbed again.....
Seems like I spent most of my day in overload again. My fellow hourly employee and I worked alone. We are still 5 positions short at work and the other person that works with us was out, and the psycho-socio stayed in her cubbie in the back all day so at least there was no further problem. I am so bone draggedly tired, I feel run down. I have no life other than work, cook, fetch the kids eat and fall asleep. My life has become an overworked underpaid nightmare that never seems to end. The only reward I could have is that we don't have clinic this weekend and I plan to take full advantage to sleep as much as possible. My children have been so testy lately and I hate that they are subjected to my overload and under energy. Anemia is not my friend.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Me Too?
Numbed and Emotionless,
childlike,
Yet too old.
too alone,
too scared.
Too tired to stay awake,
but too scared to sleep.
Too battered to move,
Too nervous to sit still.
One part of the mind racing at light speed,
the other desperately trying to close my eyes.
One not wanting to see the thoughts racing through my head,
The other too busy to ignore them.
One urging to write it all down before it goes away,
the other, sit still, relax, forget, rest....
Wanting the pressure of touch,
yet shunning all other sensations of feeling.
Wanting soft and silky touch of clothing,
and moving my toes in itchy shoes.
My eyes still sticky with sleep,
and my mind racing on the fuel of caffiene.
I want to go,
but have to stay put.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Overloaded Again: Daily dose of Bummed
Head just isn't working as well as I'd like lately... Work is still short about 5 people. But no one seems to be hurrying to make a decision whether I'll finally have a permanent position after all these years. I'm just worn completely out. The Dr. prescribed an rx for fero-folate a really strong iron supplement. Problem is no one has it, and it has been recalled. Worse still, it cost $59.00 and is not available under patient assistance. So back to the 3 325 mg iron tablets a day which tend to either stop my digestion system completely or send me running down the hall...
And they seem to have stopped working as well...
I just want to curl into a ball and feel sorry for myself for a while, but I'm not being allowed. Too many responsibilities pulling at me at the moment.
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
From the mouths of babes...
When one mentions autism to me I am all ears but when I observe it... Last night in the Walmart grocery my son picked up a rather large grapefruit that was the size of the mini basket balls, and asked me what it was. A worker behind me strolled up and started quoting all the facts about this strange Japanese fruit. How it was 2x more sour than a normal grapefruit, how it was developed in Japan, how it could cause stomach ulcers if you ate too many etc... As he strolled off, I recognized the gait of a fellow autie,(as if the fact quotations weren't enough) I chuckled to myself and my family and got out without too much sensory overload.
Another funny point that happened yesterday. My son has been (im)patiently waiting for a certain favorite treat of his to be opened at home, and he keeps asking when its going to be opened so that he can indulge in his portion. He keeps asking "when ?when?" "Later", We replied and he says back "But, (whining) ... It's already past later!" Can't argue with logic.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
More meds, more hassles
Stress has caused me to have a new issue... another med, another 4 bucks in Walmart's unending pockets. I am now taking Hydrocot 25mg for my blood pressure of all things. Of course this was after three days of going round and round with Bell South over why my DSL wasn't connected when they told me it would be. Say what you mean, mean what you say. If its not the truth, I don't want to hear it. Take a hint from Nike, Bellsouth aka AT&T, Just DO It!!!!
Also my blood anemia count went down again, so now we are scrambling for iron meds that are special order (possibly $$$$). Walmart is backordering it.... geez wonder what this will do to my stomach....
Money has been tight again, but I guess this is a common theme with most people and not necessarily an autie thing. I just can't handle figures and budgets. Bills stress me beyond belief. I'd much rather just leave them unopened until I have to pay or else.... Sigh Not very effective in staving off the bill collecters aka leaches.....
Friday, February 2, 2007
Jelly Side Down
Sometimes things that seem sweet and nice end up just making messes in your life. Sometimes, you tolerate all you can, and yet despite bending until you break, there are just some people in this world who have it "out for you". Even if you have done nothing memoribly wrong. Incredible how some people will fib and lie to try and cover their own faults and sins. Hopefully my relationship with the powers that be is better than that.
--
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"/ Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
- Charles M. Schulz
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Rock paper scissors...
INCUBUS - Drive
Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much
I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
should be the one behind the wheel.
Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there.
So, if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
Aah-ah-oo-o-o.
It's driven me before and it seems to be the way
that everyone else gets around.
But lately I'm beginning to find that when
I drive myself my light is found.
Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeahhh
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there...I'll be there.
Would you choose water over wine....hold the wheel and drive?
Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there.
Do do do do do do do do do do do
ohh wa oh
Do do do do do do do do do do do
ohh wa oh
Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much
I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
should be the one behind the wheel.
Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there.
So, if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
Aah-ah-oo-o-o.
It's driven me before and it seems to be the way
that everyone else gets around.
But lately I'm beginning to find that when
I drive myself my light is found.
Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeahhh
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there...I'll be there.
Would you choose water over wine....hold the wheel and drive?
Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there.
Do do do do do do do do do do do
ohh wa oh
Do do do do do do do do do do do
ohh wa oh
This song reflect a lot of my feelings, how much has actually been taken from me, out of my hands, some of it, never to return.
I have so much past, so much me that was lost (taken from me and destroyed) during some very dark, disturbing and turbulent times in my life and sometimes, I want that old me back. I want to be the one behind the wheel.
I want my creativity back, I want my life back. I need so much, and have so little to get with. Anything I wish to do other than write costs me to get supplies, to get batteries, to get paint, paper, glass, clay, lead, sigh...
I never know what the next day will bring, and I feel so woefully unprepared, unfulfilled and unneeded. I see things and I think " Oh that's a good idea for a picture, oh that's something I'd like to sculpt, I'd like a window like that,those words are so touching, why can't I overcome my block." My executive function is extinct....how I can get it started I don't know. Forcing myself just ends up fogging my mind.
Also its very hard being a mother, despite having these arty ideas, there is very little I can create with my two smaller children at home. I am starting to think maybe my solitude on the weekends will have be made to better use.
Did I mention, I have very little time management /organizational skills? I procrastinate to the ultimate deadline. Sigh, will I ever get this done? Why don't I have the urge to see things through, to get to the finish line, to not leave a half done craft project messily about, but finished in its glory. I feel so good when I can finish something, yet, getting there is a constant battle. I feel proud when I do a good job but getting that ultimate completion is mostly out of reach. Much like many other things in my life.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Desperate for life
Being cut-off from the internet for a few days has sharply cut into my"social" life... Haha... what social life...
My unseen friends, friendly strangers on the net, my only other contact with the outside world is from work, again, friendly aquaintances. they mean well, except for one.. which I've mentioned here before. she is back again today.
My routine is get up at 6:45am get the kids out for the bus get my lunch and dress and try to swallow down breakfast, drive to work, deal with work, drive to the school to p/u the kids before 6:30pm drive home, make dinner and get the kids ready for bed and the rest is my computer time. What social life is that? nil....
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Happiness doesn't come in a pill...
Not enough you die, too many you die, wrong kind you die, sigh.
This keeps playing in my head. Don't know why....
Hemmorage (in my hands)
memories are just where you laid them
drag the waters till the depths give up their dead
what did u expect to find?
was it something you left behind?
dont you remember, anything i said when i said..
Dont fall away, and leave me to myself
Dont fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands
in my hands, again,
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands...
leave love bleeding......
oh hold me now i feel contagious
am i the only place that you have left to go?
she cries her life is like, some movie black and white
dead actors, faking lines, over and over and over again she cries..
Dont fall away, and leave me to myself
Dont fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands
in my hands, again,
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands...
leave love bleeding......love lies bleeding
and i watched as you turned away, you dont remember, but i do...
you never even tried
Dont fall away, and leave me to myself
Dont fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands
in my hands, again,
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
ohhhhemmorage (in my hands)
memories are just where you laid them
drag the waters till the depths give up their dead
what did u expect to find?
was it something you left behind?
dont you remember, anythingi said when i said..
Dont fall away, and leave me to myself
Dont fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands
in my hands, again,
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands...
leave love bleeding......
oh hold me now i feel contagious
am i the only place that you have left to go?
she cries her life is like, some movie black and white
dead actors, faking lines, over and over and over again she cries..
Dont fall away, and leave me to myself
Dont fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands
in my hands, again,
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands...
leave love bleeding......love lies bleeding
and i watched as you turned away, you dont remember, but i do...
you never even tried
Dont fall away, and leave me to myself
Dont fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands
in my hands, again,
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
ohhhh... fuel
Seems no matter my intentions I screw up again. Least of all with the intended. I am so dysfunctional sometimes.... I want so much to do the right things when I am supposed to do them and not when my brain bloody well thinks it should. I have the best intention but no executive function. No drive, no rush, no worries. But i do have worries that haunt every second of my life and I drone them out as best I can doing mindless things. Maybe it'd be best if I remain mindless, then I wouldn't have guilt knocking on my soul every few minutes.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Hello Again, Its just me
I've spent this weekend in overload, with some sort of 24 hour bug... blech....
I've shed many tears over shockingly high and outrageous bills, and limited resources. A digestion system that would rather not cooperate with food, an irregular sleep schedule due to being ill and too many thoughts running through my head. I have no idea how I'm to pay a 500 dollar gas bill... I have no comprehension of how I could possibly use so much gas in 2 months. I'm scared and alone and exhausted. I should know how to be better than this. I guess I just don't have the skills to be on my own.
Friday, January 19, 2007
"Homey Don't Play That"... Damon Wayons
Seems today I had a little sense of justice. I don't know if its permanent but at least today I am back at my old desk, and the psycho schizo sociapath with bi-polar tendancies is not here today... My work life is at peace for the first time in about 3 weeks. After having an overloaded morning which I ended up stepping squarely on my cat and bursting into tears thinking I had hurt him, I finally have calmed down and am starting to feel better about things.
Friends Romans and Countrymen...
Somehow I've come to realize I have a lot of social acquaintances and very few true and real friends. Asperger's makes social contact so difficult. Friendships, the real and true ones seem to be more easily maintained by distance rather than close contact... Sigh... So far one of my nearly lifelong friends has moved to Michigan and disappeared literally from the map. Another one I had for 20 years betrayed my trust and lucky me can never forget and will never forgive. I insist, no I demand truth, and will give nothing less. I need someone who is a match of me. Hopefully I've found the understanding, the person who gets it.
Relationships in the romance department before now have not fulfilled me or given me a life of understanding. I hope that will change now. Trust is such an issue with me. I have been lied to, cheated on,beaten to the point of losing a child, beaten to the point of unconsciousness,possibly poisoned, raped, widowed by alcohol poisoning,and yet I still seek to have happiness if it exists from romance and love. Lucky me, good old Asperger's gives me an open heart to trust and lovely mental skepticism just to throw in a sarcastic kick in the head...I guess I am a glutton for punishment but somethings in life seem right to do. Naivety, and child-like nature thrown in for free...
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
All this and The New Year too...
I have been really struggling to deal with life lately. I have this sociopathic person working in the reception position I normally occupy meanst I am working in a position short of people with data entry/intake. I like both positions, don't get me wrong, but the receptionist is more my speed.
This woman has taken my position (albeit temporarily) and is doing only half if any of the work, forwarding the rest to me. I have complained to my supervisor and my director as this person is slowly hanging herself. It just is a matter of time. But today she said something a little more menacing and although I told my superiors, I was told to ignore it. If she hadn't threatened to beat up another woman, and got a weeks suspension, I might could do that.
I am worn out. I am grumpy. I can't concentrate on intake with the phone ringing every 3 seconds because her phone is forwarded to mine. Needless to say I didn't have enough concentration before. I have been at my job 11 years and am still hourly part time. Sigh I need benefits,vacation, sicktime, insurance to survive .
Monday, January 15, 2007
Mental Mechanations
Lately I've been dealing with a lot of processing problems. Its that when I transcribe any sort of data i need accuracy and its driving me flippin bonkers! It seems I can actually copy much of anything from the computer to paper but the other way around is not easier. I don't understand the difference between taking from paper and putting in the computer and/or taking from the computer and putting on paper but the latter always seems to be wrong... sigh. Head desk head desk repeat.....
Saturday, January 6, 2007
I Thank God You Don't Speak For Me!
Photo of Ashley copied from her parents blog. http://ashleytreatment.spaces.live.com/blogAs a partially disabled adult I have been reading the news on "The Ashley Treatment". And although I sympathize with the family that their daughter was born disabled, I can not condone or accept what they have had done to her. As an adult with disabilities all I can say is this:" Having a disability is not supposed to be easy, or nice to look at. Having a disability is hard. We are not here for your entertainment. We are not here to be cute and child-like at the ripe old age of 15 or whatever real age this child has.She is not a pet to spay and neuter because you don't want to be bothered. You mentioned taking off her breasts for her comfort and removing her uterus "because she will never use it". I think the "never use it" part is what bothers me most. How about we cut off her arms and legs? They just dangle, they will"never be used" for any purpose in a normal life?! How about removing her head/brain, she will "never use it"!! Heck make her a torso so she truly will be "pillow" shaped. That should be an easier form to care for! We are not here at your convenience, but... we are at your mercy when you speak for us. I'm glad my parents did not make decisions like these that would alter my life forever as to how I would be perceived and taken care of. I was much worse as a child and I have come a long long way. I may not be perfect but I was not subjected into being something I am not. Medical advances are growing each day and with those advances may come a chance that could have been had by this "woman-child". She will never get bigger, but her face and body will still age, perhaps at a more rapid age with the high estrogen treatment she was given. Worse still, if she does fall into a care giving situation due to death of parents etc., she is a pedophiles dream. Truly sickening. "My hands, they're small I know but they're not yours, they are my own"...Jewel,
Sometimes I'm Quiet
Sometimes seeing other people's problems confuses me. I stand silent or stammering because I just don't have any clue as to what to say. I feel badly and wish I could offer help or do something (lack of executive function) constructive to say or do. I stand frozen in my place. I stare, feeling really stupid and confused. I guess if you saw me do this, I could be considered cold or apathetic, but its not what is in my mind or heart. Simply I lack enough knowledge/function at that moment to act. I can not act on impulse. It just doesn't work for me.
Friday, January 5, 2007
overloaded
Today was an overload just waiting to start. At work today, the day our clinic is usually slow, we did about three times the normal people and never stopped. I have to work tomorrow and was generally grumpy and tired. I could feel the overload creeping up around my face. I could talk and move but I felt as though I was just staring into space with a blank look. Many things attributed to this feeling of overwhelmedness but I won't go into all the sordid details. Just know things were enough to make an NT crazed by the end of the day. Its a wonder I'm still alive....
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
Resolutions? You've got to be kidding me!
My only resolutions are to survive and take good care of my kids. If I get happiness on the way... its gravy or icing. Both can be good if made right. There-in is the problem, can I really do this?!
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