Mostly, I am a calm but underneath anxious person. I am not hyper, but there are times when I do feel overly caffeinated, and feel my heart racing along. At times there is in me a rage I do not recognize. It bubbles underneath the surface until I am alone with myself and slowly bursts its way out, in a rush I fail to comprehend. It is an anger not really directed at anyone or anything but just a powerful outburst of feelings/emotions that seem so alien to me. It wrecks me and reduces me to tears .I grab onto what ever is available with all my strength until my hands turn white from the lack of circulation. A scream is strangulated in my throat. I stare out into no where in particular and try to calm myself, but I shake and stim just to do so. I try to dry tears, but they come faster than I can wipe, and although I don’t want to cry I have no choice in the matter. I hate to cry, it makes me feel weak.
Curling up in a ball is only a temporary solution once I arrive home and it takes the better part of an hour and a half before I feel even up to some “Zelda therapy”. I am wondering know if this may be hormonal changes, or if I need to recalculate what I am taking… Is there anything for this? Why do I feel so helpless and annoyed?
Rage for me does not come easy. Anger itself is not really a strong focus factor for me. Even when I should stay mad at someone, I just can’t. I am too forgiving, too gentle too loving, too weak to hold grudges. I silently resign myself to put up and shut up. I can voice what I feel, but not well. Better the words come out here… here they are safe. Here I can’t endanger my job, my health, my life, my love, and my friendships.
I have few close friends and I am not good with keeping up with the ones I have. I feel guilty, weak and not capable of maintaining or understanding how to maintain friendships and other relationships. Alien is the word that keeps running through my mind. I am Alone, a Loner, and yet so despicably dependant that I need people. I need my love, I need people around me. Yet once they are there, I do not know what to do to keep them there. Sometimes, I don’t want them there, and I feel terrible for having these thoughts. Go away, leave me alone, and let me work in peace. Yet once I have the thought, its no, don’t go, I’m sorry, what do you need? Sigh. I just feel torn in between the need to be alone and the need to have people near. Sometimes I feel I am too weird to have anyone around me. I tend to overcompensate by over expressing things I think I need or want to show as affection of the person and just totally make an ass of myself. Then afterward, I am stupidly confused as to why I messed up.
Sleep gives me a release when it does finally come, yet my thoughts have been so disturbed by my odd dreams that rest really doesn’t happen. I awake many times confused as to where I am, what day is it, and what I am supposed to be doing. Awake tired most days, and struggle through my day until afternoon when I can finally say I am feeling awake. I am definitely not a morning person.
I still feel in transition mentally and I am working towards a possible resolution to some of my conundrums. But it won’t be easy or quick. There is no magic pill, no magic wand, no spell to overcome my difficulties. The road is paved with sharp jagged rocks and glass and I am running barefoot forward.
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