Sometimes I just feel ugly. A bloated skin ball on legs that has no real worth, no true purpose other than to be subservient to others. I breathe and use oxygen better suited for someone else.
At times, I have to wonder why my life is like it is. Whose cruel joke am I living out? Why do things always have to be long and drawn out, and complicated and so damn hard! Why can't I for once have something go right or easy for me?
I'm sorry, I guess I am just venting my anger at no one in particular about J leaving.It just seems such a miserable cruelty to have to live this way.
I ache, my pain level has gone up since he left, the Dr. says without MRI's and ultrasounds there's not a lot she can do,
I'm not sure that my pain is actual physical pain or mental or both. I lie down and my legs curl in cramped knots. My stomach churns, I can't take anything for more than 3 1/2 hours, I have the minutes counted till the next pill... How Autie is that?
And yet I mask, I go to work, trying to work at hyper speed, trying to make the day pass faster so I don't have time to think about things. time to think about the ache in my head or my heart or my legs, tired from running up and down a clinic in a 7 mile day in heels.
Yet if I wear flats, my back and legs hurt worse... aren't I made strange?
I convinced myself at 18 I was too short and had to wear heels to make me look taller and longer legged. Not for anyone else but just to appear attractive to me. I never really think of myself as being attractive to anyone and it always surprises me when someone gives me a compliment. I just can't figure people out.
One night I went to a place to do a survey for money and there were snacks and drinks set out on a table. The Receptionist told me to help myself to the snacks. Being diabetic, I grabbed a coke, and a man sitting near the table said,"That'll be $2" I stammered, "What?" because I wasn't expecting anyone to speak to me."That'll be $2" I really didn't know how to take him, whether he was being serious or no, so I told him "He'd have to wait until after the survey because I didn't bring my purse and had no cash with me." He still insisted "But you still owe me $2." I sat the coke down next to my chair, and tried not to look at him, and watched as others grabbed water and chips and yet he said nothing to any of them. I was confused, but they called me in to the survey and I left the can of coke there since I didn't have any money. Turns out he was joking. I felt humiliated as I didn't know what to say, or how to take him. I can not read people.
Sigh...
2 comments:
$2 coke guy was an asshole thinking he was clever.
your pain is real. never doubt that.
autistics are more rational than "mundanes" any day.
It is amazing that my reactions to things like this are so much like yours. Your description of how tough just going to work can be is familiar also. I agree, as I get older things are getting harder. I used to read a lot. Now I find it almost impossible to read a book.
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