Work and other meltodowns...

This post has been building inside for a few days. This week I had a meltdown at work simply because my routine had changed and my boss said something that set me off. Normally I would have been fine, but sometimes these "blowouts" come out unexpectantly. That's the thing you see, each autie person has their limits, their own style of coping, their own reserve. I guess I had just filled my reserve with Job stress and it had to come out somehow. I ended up going to a meeting with the director of Nursing where I had never been before, (really good on my already frayed nerves) and ended up reporting the incident about my Boss. I knew the job thing was starting to get to me, because I started dreaming vengeful things about work. Since I either don't dream, or dream heavily and I usually remember when I do, these were quite out of the ordinary for me. Nothing has changed work wise but at least, I felt better. Perhaps the change being that, because I stood up for myself for once, getting a spine, a backbone, I actually felt empowered and able to do so. I don't often have those feeling but something tells me that I must. I am not a child, I will not be held down, smothered or held back any longer. This director has worked with me a long time, and had never even spoken with me until that day. 11 years, and she never even knew who I was...Mousey quiet, studious me, always with my face in the computer. Now she knows me, good or bad, hopefully it will at least pull me off the wallpaper. As J said once, I have become furniture. At least the director knows I now exist in the warehouse of employees out there.

Ashley again

story_ashley_2,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Things came too little too late for the tiny"pillow angel" Ashley. There was a story on CNN (where this photo is from) that was written by Amy Burkholder. "Report:"Pillow Angel" surgery broke the law. ( http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/05/08/ashley.ruling/index.html )
Finally an advocacy group stood up and asked the question "What really happened here?" The Washington Protection and Advocacy System found that Seattle Children's Hospital and Regional medical Center violated the constitutional and common law rights of the "pillow angel" by performing a hysterectomy without a court order from the state.

Due to all the treatments she received, Ashley will never become a woman in her own right. She will never develop any larger, or have any growth spurts due to the treatment she received hormonally.
Ashley is frozen in time as a young child who's body and face will age despite all care by her parents to keep her as childlike as possible.

This angered me before, and although perhaps I've tempered it with time, it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I have to wonder what happens to Ashley if she outlives her loving parents... Perhaps its not my place to worry about her, but there are so many sick people out there. Keeping someone childlike although an adult is IMHO asking for trouble. Peodophiles dream of children like adults.

Having a developmental disability myself, and two of three children who are also developementally disabled (disadvantaged for you pc people) I worry that when I'm not here what will happen to my children. If I should end up in a state where I can not live beyond the function of machines breathing and beating for me,unless I would have some hope of recovering, I would not want to live in that state. I would have to completely cease all brain function though. I can't imagine what it would be like to die cognizent that I was doing so.
I also would hate not to be able to move. And I have a weird revulsion of most bodily functions/fluids so a vegetative state would not be for me. That said, I couldn't make those decisions for someone else for, or against.

And since Asley is unable to decide, someone needs to advocate for her benefits and human dignaties that she has been deprived of, albiet with "good" intention.

I'm glad someone stepped up for her. It's too bad it wasn't before she was so surgically mutilated that she will never be the Ashley she was created to be.
I pray that this never happens to another child.

My reality or numbness exposed

Last Moments together,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Sometimes I just feel ugly. A bloated skin ball on legs that has no real worth, no true purpose other than to be subservient to others. I breathe and use oxygen better suited for someone else.

At times, I have to wonder why my life is like it is. Whose cruel joke am I living out? Why do things always have to be long and drawn out, and complicated and so damn hard! Why can't I for once have something go right or easy for me?

I'm sorry, I guess I am just venting my anger at no one in particular about J leaving.It just seems such a miserable cruelty to have to live this way.

I ache, my pain level has gone up since he left, the Dr. says without MRI's and ultrasounds there's not a lot she can do,
I'm not sure that my pain is actual physical pain or mental or both. I lie down and my legs curl in cramped knots. My stomach churns, I can't take anything for more than 3 1/2 hours, I have the minutes counted till the next pill... How Autie is that?

And yet I mask, I go to work, trying to work at hyper speed, trying to make the day pass faster so I don't have time to think about things. time to think about the ache in my head or my heart or my legs, tired from running up and down a clinic in a 7 mile day in heels.
Yet if I wear flats, my back and legs hurt worse... aren't I made strange?

I convinced myself at 18 I was too short and had to wear heels to make me look taller and longer legged. Not for anyone else but just to appear attractive to me. I never really think of myself as being attractive to anyone and it always surprises me when someone gives me a compliment. I just can't figure people out.

One night I went to a place to do a survey for money and there were snacks and drinks set out on a table. The Receptionist told me to help myself to the snacks. Being diabetic, I grabbed a coke, and a man sitting near the table said,"That'll be $2" I stammered, "What?" because I wasn't expecting anyone to speak to me."That'll be $2" I really didn't know how to take him, whether he was being serious or no, so I told him "He'd have to wait until after the survey because I didn't bring my purse and had no cash with me." He still insisted "But you still owe me $2." I sat the coke down next to my chair, and tried not to look at him, and watched as others grabbed water and chips and yet he said nothing to any of them. I was confused, but they called me in to the survey and I left the can of coke there since I didn't have any money. Turns out he was joking. I felt humiliated as I didn't know what to say, or how to take him. I can not read people.

Sigh...

Missing you... Overwhelming Numb

Missing you...,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Today I am alone again. I documented my trip home from the airport with my teary eyes on Flickr.
My partner has gone to England to wait out the drawn out visa process. Lots of BS and Red tape, but it will all be worth it in the end. He will be here to stay.
I am in shock I think, numbed to the pain now. Last night I tossed and turned over and over until I formed a body out of a comforter and his pillows to remind me of what it feels like so I could sleep. Poor substitute.
The ache is deep this time, perhaps not as evident as the first, maybe because I've done this before and know what to expect. Maybe I am just better at holding it in and masking. Still, pain is pain and it cuts deeply.
The only things that seem to help are hearing his voice and curling up with his pillows, his scent still clinging to them gently reminding me what's missing here. Holding myself in a fetal position in the dark and stimming seems to tire me enough so I can relax.
Being an autie is hard, its very hard for me to get used to changes, and although I knew this was coming, I just couldn't allow myself to think about it. I was already feeling down about some other personal failures so it just mounted up. Now it's too late, and its all that dominates my thoughts and feelings.
Life is hard, Love is harder, and if you can find some medium perhaps you can be happy. Or at least less numb...

running barefoot

rocks near a defense trench,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Mostly, I am a calm but underneath anxious person. I am not hyper, but there are times when I do feel overly caffeinated, and feel my heart racing along. At times there is in me a rage I do not recognize. It bubbles underneath the surface until I am alone with myself and slowly bursts its way out, in a rush I fail to comprehend. It is an anger not really directed at anyone or anything but just a powerful outburst of feelings/emotions that seem so alien to me. It wrecks me and reduces me to tears .I grab onto what ever is available with all my strength until my hands turn white from the lack of circulation. A scream is strangulated in my throat. I stare out into no where in particular and try to calm myself, but I shake and stim just to do so. I try to dry tears, but they come faster than I can wipe, and although I don’t want to cry I have no choice in the matter. I hate to cry, it makes me feel weak.



Curling up in a ball is only a temporary solution once I arrive home and it takes the better part of an hour and a half before I feel even up to some “Zelda therapy”. I am wondering know if this may be hormonal changes, or if I need to recalculate what I am taking… Is there anything for this? Why do I feel so helpless and annoyed?



Rage for me does not come easy. Anger itself is not really a strong focus factor for me. Even when I should stay mad at someone, I just can’t. I am too forgiving, too gentle too loving, too weak to hold grudges. I silently resign myself to put up and shut up. I can voice what I feel, but not well. Better the words come out here… here they are safe. Here I can’t endanger my job, my health, my life, my love, and my friendships.



I have few close friends and I am not good with keeping up with the ones I have. I feel guilty, weak and not capable of maintaining or understanding how to maintain friendships and other relationships. Alien is the word that keeps running through my mind. I am Alone, a Loner, and yet so despicably dependant that I need people. I need my love, I need people around me. Yet once they are there, I do not know what to do to keep them there. Sometimes, I don’t want them there, and I feel terrible for having these thoughts. Go away, leave me alone, and let me work in peace. Yet once I have the thought, its no, don’t go, I’m sorry, what do you need? Sigh. I just feel torn in between the need to be alone and the need to have people near. Sometimes I feel I am too weird to have anyone around me. I tend to overcompensate by over expressing things I think I need or want to show as affection of the person and just totally make an ass of myself. Then afterward, I am stupidly confused as to why I messed up.



Sleep gives me a release when it does finally come, yet my thoughts have been so disturbed by my odd dreams that rest really doesn’t happen. I awake many times confused as to where I am, what day is it, and what I am supposed to be doing. Awake tired most days, and struggle through my day until afternoon when I can finally say I am feeling awake. I am definitely not a morning person.



I still feel in transition mentally and I am working towards a possible resolution to some of my conundrums. But it won’t be easy or quick. There is no magic pill, no magic wand, no spell to overcome my difficulties. The road is paved with sharp jagged rocks and glass and I am running barefoot forward.

New replacing old

New replacing old,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

The past several days I have been in a transition mentally. My energy levels are still not where they should be and I am "hung over" from the pills to make me sleep when it doesn't want to come naturally. This transition for me though has brought me thoughts of people I haven't thought of in years, sadness from old relationships, friends and lost loves,just basic melancholia that hangs and drags a tear or two out. I have no real understanding as to why I am thinking abut all these people. In fact its rather strange that I thought of my advanced Chem IV class lab partner who used to call me Singe( because of my red hair) and who later ran off with our Algebra one teacher for 2 weeks. Scandalous to say the least. Never knew if it was true, but the rumors persisted and the teacher never returned to school.
I also thought of an old ex if you could call it that of someone who i believed to be mine and really was noone's, that really only ended a bout a year ago when I met my new. I don't miss this person yet I do still think from time what's this person doing now, or is he alright? I often wonder what happens to people after they fall silent, after they go on with their own lives and leave you behind to start another, or do they? Do they continue to "be okay?" Is it any of my business still to wonder? Do they ever wonder about me? Do I ever really want to know? Am I just being nosey or do I still care?
I guess I will always care about people that were in my life at one time or another, even if they don't care about me in anymore. Even though I am contented and very spoiled in my relationship I have now, my mind will wander to the I wonder what happened to_____?
It doesn't seem to be that I want or need any of these memories or that I am wishfully wanting to return to them. As the days fly by, I am trying to make as many new memories as I can, knowing that memories will be what holds my relationship together when we are separated. That separation is once again weighing on me and perhaps what is stirring so many thoughts of old to the front of my mind. All I can think is perhaps they are making space for the new...

Lost Friend

She always knew me,
She understood me through my growing pains
The pains of rejections of society
The pains of loneliness
The pains of losing though I should have won.
The pains of popularity,
We were alike she and I.
Pushed aside by the popular cliks.
Not so beautiful,
But never pretty enough
Always strange and different.
So serious,
Bookworms,
Like minds,
Always with the answer but unwilling to say so.
Rejected by the jockboys,
Coveted by the geeks,teachers and aides,
Pride of academics and honor societies,
Advanced classes,
Language clubs,
Teachers aides.
We became our own clik,
Then school ended.
She went to one college, I another,
She dated the teachers we had in school,
I remained alone for years,
We wrote,
An occasional how are you,
What’s happening in your life,
The divorce of her parents,
The 50^th anniversdary of mine…
Two maybe three times,
Then silence,
Not another word passed.
Lost in our worlds
Lost friends.