Sometimes I just can't show the appreciation I feel for my children and my husband. especially Jeremy since he has the short end of the stick as I am working to support us.
I have to be one of the most difficult people to be with. I am exhausted all the time from anemia and sleep issues (though I admit now that Jeremy is here it has gotten better, time management (L lax Skilz!) and general Donna Reed housewife knowledge... sigh.
I would guess most people can't understand the realtionship I have with Jeremy, but you know what? It works. That's what is most important to me. At the end of the day I can snuggle up to his warm body and feel loved and know that despite all the difficulties we've been through I can only love him more.
There is no better feeling than to know that he is there waiting on me despite, leaving him at the crack of dawn with two unruly children to get ready for school and coming home as the night is falling and I drag myself out of my car. kiss bathroom, sofa, dinner tv baths for kids bed... my routine... varies only slightly . On the weekends the children have strict orders despite knowing if we are awake or not, not to disturb us unless we have come out of the bedroom. After noon they can bother us if they still need to do so.
Someone please tell me, I have these awful collection agencies calling my phone which has always been in my name, to collect bills for my deceased ex's hospital bill. The worst one is Portfolio recovery who calls with a recorded message asking to call them back. I don't because I have sent back every bill and talked with almost every collection agency about how I am not married to him and how I am not responsible for his bills. J got so frustrated he started putting the cemetary address on them and returning them. Still they send and call although less than before.
They tend to be the ones that end up waking me on Saturday....grrrrr!!!!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Downward Spiral? Upturned Noses, and a Resignation...
Today I feel down, after spending 2 hours in car in stand still traffic, I arrived at my job an hour late and almost melted down. I just felt so anxious and upset with everything I couldn't stand myself. Then at lunch, 5 people came in at once so I didn't get to eat on time making my anxiety worse.
I've been feeling very misunderstood, misinterpreted and generally p'oed at the world lately. I bark at my children, I ignore my doting hubbie, and snark at him unintentionally but none the less. I want so badly to be understood, and that someone see my point, and at least Jeremy does, so screw the outside world that doesn't 'cause nothing matters to me more than him and my kids.
As an Aspie I have always felt outside the clique, looking through a bubble to the inside. For the most part, it hasn't been just a feeling, but a reality. Even online there are cliques, and god forbid you have a different oppinion. Shame really, but their problem not mine. I have enough to shoulder without adding someone's elitism attitude (I spent nearly a thousand for this so no you can't show your cheap fake or off market brand) Silly really when you think of the hours of work that go into them ) I may spend just as many hours working on mine as theirs and sometimes they come out better!. Oh btw I am talking about Asian Ball Jointed Dolls. I have caught the fever for them. I find it very frustrating that there are companies charging 1000 or more for dolls or even that they offer cheaper affordable one, and yet I still can't get one I want because it is sold out or no longer availible. I am getting an Angel of Dream Mo Lan though and I will post the pics when I am done with her but I still owe two more payments.
As an artist, I find the creation of the face-ups, the remodeling of the doll mold facinating. I want to make resin dolls and I will one day despite this forum clique that I no longer wish to be associated with. And when I get my new camera, I will post some pics here of some of the work I have already done and in flickr if anyone is interested.
I won't sell my work, for now, but maybe one day.
I guess another reason I am upset today is because I called my daughter the oldest one, because she was supposed to have spent the weekend with me, and instead I heard nothing from her. She says I should remind her by phone. What?! I have to remind her to come visit mom?!
Another thing is that it's C's birthday. The children want to take little cards they are going to make to his graveslab at the mosuleum. I feel rather heavy about this, I don't want to go but feel obligated.I keep aking him in my mind to please let me be now that he is gone, but I still am getting his bills, his calls from collection agencies etc. Even though he's gone, he still interferes with my life with Jeremy and I know it has to make him uncomfortable as well.
I've been feeling very misunderstood, misinterpreted and generally p'oed at the world lately. I bark at my children, I ignore my doting hubbie, and snark at him unintentionally but none the less. I want so badly to be understood, and that someone see my point, and at least Jeremy does, so screw the outside world that doesn't 'cause nothing matters to me more than him and my kids.
As an Aspie I have always felt outside the clique, looking through a bubble to the inside. For the most part, it hasn't been just a feeling, but a reality. Even online there are cliques, and god forbid you have a different oppinion. Shame really, but their problem not mine. I have enough to shoulder without adding someone's elitism attitude (I spent nearly a thousand for this so no you can't show your cheap fake or off market brand) Silly really when you think of the hours of work that go into them ) I may spend just as many hours working on mine as theirs and sometimes they come out better!. Oh btw I am talking about Asian Ball Jointed Dolls. I have caught the fever for them. I find it very frustrating that there are companies charging 1000 or more for dolls or even that they offer cheaper affordable one, and yet I still can't get one I want because it is sold out or no longer availible. I am getting an Angel of Dream Mo Lan though and I will post the pics when I am done with her but I still owe two more payments.
As an artist, I find the creation of the face-ups, the remodeling of the doll mold facinating. I want to make resin dolls and I will one day despite this forum clique that I no longer wish to be associated with. And when I get my new camera, I will post some pics here of some of the work I have already done and in flickr if anyone is interested.
I won't sell my work, for now, but maybe one day.
I guess another reason I am upset today is because I called my daughter the oldest one, because she was supposed to have spent the weekend with me, and instead I heard nothing from her. She says I should remind her by phone. What?! I have to remind her to come visit mom?!
Another thing is that it's C's birthday. The children want to take little cards they are going to make to his graveslab at the mosuleum. I feel rather heavy about this, I don't want to go but feel obligated.I keep aking him in my mind to please let me be now that he is gone, but I still am getting his bills, his calls from collection agencies etc. Even though he's gone, he still interferes with my life with Jeremy and I know it has to make him uncomfortable as well.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Little by little
This have been in an upwhirl since I last wrote... I have a job... at least temporarily although some days it take me driving an hour and a half in traffic to get there. When I arrive home it can be as late as 7pm... It is wearing on me little by little and I am becoming a zombie me.
My camera is broken and I am working on getting another, but it won't be soon. I am also worried that Christmas will be a little sparse ;/
Life with Jeremy has been wonderful, at last I've found someone who is supportive and loving in every since of the word. He takes an interest in my life, my home, my family. The sincere effort he puts forth makes all the difference in the world and coming home to someone like that is a relief. Especially after spending two hours in bumper to bumper traffic... grrrrr
Money has been up and down but hopefully we will get some more of the back debts paid off and the next year once Jeremy is working should be a lot better (I hope)
Everyone's eyes seem to be watching and waiting on this election. I only hope that people do the right thing, make a choice. Choose change, surely we can't stand 4 more years of the crap this country is going through. Off my political soapbox now, as I really am not political at all. (Honestly I feel I had to chose the lesser of two evils, how bad is that?) At least I made the effort to get out there though and my vote was taken. I am not sure it will make a difference, but at least I tried.Today they laid off 300 more people at county where I am.
The Bursitis in my hip has become unbearable, I received a cortisone shot in the hip last week but it has gotten worse now. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am very burnt out from driving and from pain, I just don't have time anymore for anything nor the drive to do so.
My camera is broken and I am working on getting another, but it won't be soon. I am also worried that Christmas will be a little sparse ;/
Life with Jeremy has been wonderful, at last I've found someone who is supportive and loving in every since of the word. He takes an interest in my life, my home, my family. The sincere effort he puts forth makes all the difference in the world and coming home to someone like that is a relief. Especially after spending two hours in bumper to bumper traffic... grrrrr
Money has been up and down but hopefully we will get some more of the back debts paid off and the next year once Jeremy is working should be a lot better (I hope)
Everyone's eyes seem to be watching and waiting on this election. I only hope that people do the right thing, make a choice. Choose change, surely we can't stand 4 more years of the crap this country is going through. Off my political soapbox now, as I really am not political at all. (Honestly I feel I had to chose the lesser of two evils, how bad is that?) At least I made the effort to get out there though and my vote was taken. I am not sure it will make a difference, but at least I tried.Today they laid off 300 more people at county where I am.
The Bursitis in my hip has become unbearable, I received a cortisone shot in the hip last week but it has gotten worse now. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am very burnt out from driving and from pain, I just don't have time anymore for anything nor the drive to do so.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Push me Pull You
Sometimes I just feel like this, I feel pulled in all directions and I get so overloaded and overwhelmed that I just have meltdowns.
It feels like nothing I do is enough, nothing is right when i do things, I just get so frustrated. I am having pain in my hip, my doc says its bursitis(no bone changes on xray), but exercise and muscle relaxers and pain pills are not getting rid of it.
It hurts when I walk any distance. Sometimes, it just hurts getting out of bed. It makes me grumpy and tired because I just try and deal with it. My stomach has been sensative lately so I can't take goody's powders like I'd like as these seem to work but the aspirin and tylenol can't be taken with the Ultram either. I can't take the Ultram all the time either as I have to be able to function.
It feels like nothing I do is enough, nothing is right when i do things, I just get so frustrated. I am having pain in my hip, my doc says its bursitis(no bone changes on xray), but exercise and muscle relaxers and pain pills are not getting rid of it.
It hurts when I walk any distance. Sometimes, it just hurts getting out of bed. It makes me grumpy and tired because I just try and deal with it. My stomach has been sensative lately so I can't take goody's powders like I'd like as these seem to work but the aspirin and tylenol can't be taken with the Ultram either. I can't take the Ultram all the time either as I have to be able to function.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Confusion, and sadness
Today I discovered that a friend of mine buckled to a troll. Understanding that the friend was under severe emotional trauma and was suicidal, it just doesn't seem right. What right do strangers (or even people we know) have to harass someone to the point that they take off their Flickr photos and their personal blog? It seems too much for me to understand knowing that the blog and the photos are the way this person unwinds, or deals with overload that he could not do in a normal way. What right does this troll have to take that away from someone? What satisfaction could this person possibly get? Is it to revenge a lost love? Is it to get back at some perceived hurt? What possible motive does this person have? And now that they've succeded, what now? He's off the public sites now, its done that, and possilbly cut him off from the only support he had from internet friends. He didn't succeed before, is that why you are mad? You want him to die? How selfish is that? What right do you have to take away someone's existance? Why do you care so much about who he rants about? I was harassed and threatened by a troll once, and I found out where he lived(went there, took pictures and gave to a police officer) . Maybe that's what my friend needed to do with you. But then, he already knows where you live doesn't he?
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Let the rain come down...
Things just get heavy sometimes. Life seems to put its weight on my shoulder. I already this week have gone to the Dr once again for a hurt back and am on so much medication I get stupid high from when I go to sleep that Jeremy has to send me to bed before I really get embaressed. That in itself embaresses me since I don't remember what I was saying.
I wish I could just make myself be someone else sometimes, I wish I was pretty and thin and popular and rich. Oh and healthy, shouldn't forget that... But I have the perfect husband, my perfect children and my perfect pets. It's just me today...
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Twisted Inside and Numb
Numb because I just don't know what to feel anymore, so many things are overloading me, I just can't turn around without something just bitting me somewhere.
Don't get me wrong, I have had somewonderful things happen in the past couple of weeks, but so many crappy things are still running in the background. Its like getting a brand new computer with all the bells and whistles but it came with a virus already there waiting to get you when it raises its ugly head. Its always there, just under the surface.
I am still struggling with the water and gas bill and since Jeremy's not able to work yet, they continue to mount up penalties.
The pic is of the new cat we received from rescue. She was seized from an aging ill Persian/Exotic breeder that could no longer care for her cats. We almost lost her, she was so depressed and would not eat. But she is slowly recovering, coming out of her shell and still getting to know us and the two remaining cats, the ragdoll Soli and Mushu the Siamese.
I am grateful for many things today, first that the Dr says my surgery went well and there was no cancer, i am grateful to have such a loving partner in Jeremy. I am grateful that his family has sent us a nice wedding gift so we could have at least 2 nice things fron the gift.
I am grateful to still be working even though my job will end the end of September unless the County is able to place me before then. I am grateful I do have at least one close friend who can give me emotional support when I can't get it elsewhere. I am grateful that C's death will help my children now financially more so than when he was alive (I don't mean this in a mean way) and SSA will pay them benefits since I can no longer receive his child support from the grave. And finally I am grateful that my family is starting to lift ourselves up out of a big down hill hole and learn to live again.
Don't get me wrong, I have had somewonderful things happen in the past couple of weeks, but so many crappy things are still running in the background. Its like getting a brand new computer with all the bells and whistles but it came with a virus already there waiting to get you when it raises its ugly head. Its always there, just under the surface.
I am still struggling with the water and gas bill and since Jeremy's not able to work yet, they continue to mount up penalties.
The pic is of the new cat we received from rescue. She was seized from an aging ill Persian/Exotic breeder that could no longer care for her cats. We almost lost her, she was so depressed and would not eat. But she is slowly recovering, coming out of her shell and still getting to know us and the two remaining cats, the ragdoll Soli and Mushu the Siamese.
I am grateful for many things today, first that the Dr says my surgery went well and there was no cancer, i am grateful to have such a loving partner in Jeremy. I am grateful that his family has sent us a nice wedding gift so we could have at least 2 nice things fron the gift.
I am grateful to still be working even though my job will end the end of September unless the County is able to place me before then. I am grateful I do have at least one close friend who can give me emotional support when I can't get it elsewhere. I am grateful that C's death will help my children now financially more so than when he was alive (I don't mean this in a mean way) and SSA will pay them benefits since I can no longer receive his child support from the grave. And finally I am grateful that my family is starting to lift ourselves up out of a big down hill hole and learn to live again.
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