Stressors, Holidays, Sickness, Relatives and Numbness

Sigh, it has been a while that I have posted. Several things have happened mostly good, some scary,. I have been extremely busy at work with the H1n1 vaccination program. There are many nights we have had to stay late to accomodate all the people since everyone is getting scared that they will get this. Alot of people have already had this awful mess and don't even know it. Others get it and they are on respirators. The degree that this disease hits people is so varied that many doctors can't/don't/won't say its the swine flu. The other downside is that the testing for the virus is so expensive, they'd rather treat than find out definately if it is or isn't. Although Jeremy and I and the kids may have already contracted it at the beginning of the school year, I got them all vaccinated with the live virus nasal spray and when the injectable came out I also got it. Having Diabetes and Asthma I was not eligible to take the live virus nasal spray, so they (my family) got it easy. Somehow the thought of having to be in an ICU unit on a respirator didn't appeal to me. So many people are scared to take the vaccine. Scared they will get something else from it.

I get really worn down with people not wanting to take this vaccination or that vaccination because they feel it may cause autism. Even though all tests have proved otherwise and the People who did the MMR scandal in England have since recanted their findings. As an Autie, I was born way before thimeresol even existed. It runs in my family, it seems to run in Jeremy's as well. Vaccines do not cause my autism or anyone elses in my family.

Cancer is another thing that runs in my family. My father is battling his third year with NonHodgkins Lymphoma, my maternal uncle Sonny died with melanoma. My grandfather died of heart dsease and colon cancer. My children's father C died of lung cancer adenocarcinoma, and he never smoked or anything like that, he was just a brickmason and builder. So I am preocuppied with getting cancer screenings and watching out for my own health. I am also watching my own children carefully and trying my best to make sure they don't get sick from anything.

Health issues remain a concern for me and I recently had to have a CAT scan and an ultrasound. First they thought I had pain from a kidney stone, so they did a CAT scan, did not see any stones there, but they did find I have arthritis in my spine.... and a cyct on my liver which after having the ultasound is thought to be benign. I have to go back in May for another ultrasound just to check it. All the pain in my hips and back have been coming from the arthritis. Even the bursitis I have was caused by the arthritis. So now I have arthritis in the spine... great. Now what?

Holidays are around the corner. We just got through a family meal for Thanksgiving. Then my children spent a four day weekend with the family of their father and Jeremy and I had our own Thanksgiving meal to ourselves.

Saturday after Thanksgiving, Jeremy and I went to the tree farm in our area and got a lovely frasier fir which is now set up in our kitchen window. The children had to help me decorate it as I have not been well with a sinus infection and just haven't had much getup and go lately.
But that magical day for children is almost here and we are trying the best we can to prepare for it.

I wish there was ssome magic pill to take away the pain of the fibro and the arthritis and just geive me the energy to live a normal life. Instead, I am numb mentally, tired and in pain. What more can someone ask for?

Sometimes Goodbye is a Second Chance....

 A Second Chance…. This has been ringing through my brain the past couple of days and I have sat down at least four times to write this post and haven’t found exactly what I wanted to say.  I guess just making myself write will make it come out eventually and of course, spell check and edit are my best friends. <grin> Cut and paste are their first cousins… lol

Dealing with the loss of my ex has been at most strange and sometimes strained.  The affects of his life/death on my children are evidenced in their reactions to even some of the most mundane things and yet in other situations, it seems exaggerated or clowned. My ex was an extreme person.  He could be extremely nice, brilliant, or extremely dangerous in his rages.  I do not want to delve deeper into explanations, just understand that life at home was at best difficult.

Anyway, back to my subject.  I had a dream about my ex.  In my swirly dream state I had encountered my ex who had returned from the dead to a state much like the months before he had gotten sick.  Life had continued just as if he had died, I was still married to J, etc.  But C had somehow come back; still oblivious to his cancerous condition, still in refusal to go visit a Dr.  And although my ex and I had been separated for 2 years, I never wished for him to go through having terminal cancer.  I was trying to convince him that I knew he was sick and he needed to see a Dr.  He shook his head no, and he told me this was my ”second chance” and then he disappeared. His goodbye indeed was my second chance. This puzzled me.

What could that possibly be saying to me?  What is it I need to do better?  I’m already working on my health; I’m already doing more around the house and with my kids.  J and I are perfect.  How do I make this time better? I’ve decided I need to do some more inner thought on this and get back to who am I and who is it I want to become.  What I was before C, what I was after C and what I am now with J seem to be completely different people.  Some things are forever lost, some never reached their ultimate achievement, fizzling out and fading away, others still are so far out of reach. I have so many I wants, and I’d like to do, and so many things on my wish list that financially I just can’t reach, it seems dismal and disappointing.  But at the same time, I look at myself now, and I feel so much more; mentally and physically stronger.  So many things that I just let go when I left C, refusing to believe I could actually do them.  So many times, I told myself I’m too tired, too exhausted (I really was, anemia does that!) and just numbed my mind with TV and video games and my beloved sofa.

Before, I’d just walk downstairs and be out of breath with my heart pounding. Now, when we went to Cumberland Island after my surgery, I walked a 4 mile walk in a day.  I was tired, but not so much that it wasn’t a normal tired. Yay! I can walk across Walmart without feeling so overloaded and tired I have to leave without getting what I went there for.  I am still recovering, still making small gains, making small goals, learning so much.  Life now has so much more to offer me. I am: able to pay my bills without having services cut off; able to get more physical exercise with less sleep during the day; able to eat less and be more healthy; able to spend more time with my children without running them out of the room while I sleep; able to go places and have a vacation; able to get some of the things done I have always wanted to do; able to actually enjoy being with another person (not something that comes easy for me.)

 

So I guess my second chance is really still developing who I am.  At least that’s what I think, but your comments are always welcome!

 

Tonight I have been up and down like a yoyo, my energy has just left me like a stone. I am grumpy even surly at times... almost manic...
maybe just overtired....

So...

Here I am 4 weeks after my surgery... I have to say I am feeling "much better now" although I still have some pain if I sneeze, cough or go over bumpy roads. Never the less, after day one at work I was shocked to find I wasn't as exhausted as I thought I would be. I did take my afternoon nap to reset (My way of coping without having a meltdown) so somethings haven't changed.

I did find on my vacation last week that I was finally able to walk for more than a 1/2 mile and not have Tachycardia and breathing problems! I do still have some mucus problems from the breathing tube from surgery.

I had a couple of scares during my surgery, my nurse was an idiot. She gave me a dextrose bag (I'm diabetic) instead of ringerslactate. Needless to say my sugar shot up and I honestly thought I was going to die. No such luck folks, I'm afraid you and the world are stuck with me (at least for now!) A quick insulin shot and the bag changed to the proper one made quick work of it and I was feeling much better later that evening. Also had a minor reaction to my pain meds as I am allergic to codeine. I got to get straight morphine tabs...

But vacation was heaven, paradise, and Jeremy was wonderful, helping me with everything. He wouldn't let me do much at all. We went to Cumberland Island, Tybee Island and Savannah before making the long drive back in stormy weather.



I am still feeling the loss of Soli though and still feel her around a lot lately!

The Tybee Island Swings have a wonderful memory for me and Jeremy.

My sweet Soli...

Passed away on Sunday.  She died in Jeremy’s arms. She had two cancerous tumors that finally got the best of her. It was very fast and we just weren’t ready for her to go.

 

Soli of all my cats was the one most like a dog.  She would come when called.  She would chase a ball.  Of the four rescues we own, she was the most kitten like, though we never really knew her age.  She had soft dense fur, as soft as a rabbit, and we often teased her that her mother was a rabbit. She was very ego maniacal, always the center of any attention given, always first in line, though often it was for things she didn’t like. She was always the first for beautiful photos.  She always had to be next to one of us when sitting down.

 

Her beautiful blue eyes still haunt my restless sleep.

numb and sleepy

So now on my growing list of health ailments I am going to have a consult with a ENT for sleep apnea and surgery for my horrible monthly ailments. Evidently the previous surgery didn’t work as planned (I would have to be that 10% wouldn’t I?) and scar tissue has made the bleeding condition worse by trapping part of it inside.  Lovely…

If the anemia wasn’t bad enough to make me tired certainly lack of oxygen in general along with sleep problems have generally made me a zombie.  Numb?  You bettcha.  No oxygen in the blood, no oxygen going into the blood, physical fatigue from poor sleep… just one big circle….

Hopefully the surgery will alleviate further problems. Have to say I am scared though, and really can’t quite put my finger on why.

I had a horrible horrible dream....

The other night morning I a dream I could not bear. What I mean was that this night for me was absolutely horrible. Every so often despite taking vitamins, I was awakened with an excruciating leg cramp which despite pinching the nerve at my nasal fold at the top of the lip it would not let go, and when it finally did, it left my leg sore and wrecked. I fell into a fitfull sleep and then it came... the horrible nightmare.

My ex died nearly 1 year from next month. I dreamed that I was in a situation in my kitchen with my ex, at the time he had me cornered in the kitchen with a butcher knife in his hand. After so long of being kept awake and after so much bullying, I felt my spirit resign and I begged him to either stop it once and for all or kill me because I could not continue to live like that. (This really happened in real life, and was the end of our relationship) But the difference this time in the dream was that C went to stab me and my youngest child got in the way trying to defend me, and he stabbed him through the heart killing my son instantly. I remember the rest of the dream as if I were in a fog just making myself go through the steps, arraigning his funeral and picking out what I would wear and what he would wear. All I could think was that my baby was gone, I felt like I was crazy....

J says I woke up screaming, its been about 4 days and it still invades my thoughts. I had to call my son who was visiting his sister just to reassure myself.

Sometimes things aren't always as they seem

People try and win your trust.  It’s a human nature thing that often ends up stabbing you in the back.  What’s not normal human behavior is the turning of the person in order to be able to stab you in the back.  Let me explain a little better.  I believe it is in the nature of people to help themselves, then help others (if at all). 

Standing on someone's back, someone who is not as capable as yourself, or someone you see as lesser because of education, to raise your own status just seems wrong.  I mean who really gets up in the morning and says to themselves, today I am going to screw this person over?  Today I am going to take a resolved issue and reopen a wound.  Today, I can make someone else's life a little more miserable. Today I am the glorious king of the world and you: you are a beneath me peon.

What kind of person do you see in this type person? Is it just something that as an autie I can't discern? Am I too trusting?  Should I be more standoffish and not open? The conflict confuses me.

I want to be able to trust but at the same time I no longer want to trust people.  Trusting just gets you hurt in the end.  Trusting ends up with you on the chopping block waiting for the cleaver to fall.  Trusting ends up with the knife in your back with no idea where it came from.

At the same time, trusting can get you happiness with the person you love most in the world, trusting can keep you in a job you love.  Trusting can create a nice world to live in.  Unfortunately, not everyone believes it.

Returning to the Same Old Numb

Wah,     having to return from a restful paradise!   But oh so needed as I was having some physical issue I believe were related to stress.   Weekend before last Jeremy and I sans children went to Amicalola Falls and I was unable to keep up.  Seems like my legs just did not have the strength to go further than the  ½ mile climb up the trail.  Very discouraging for me.  I was told by the nurses at work it could have been from Diabetes, Fibromyalgia, Anemia, Varicose Veins etc.  Since I have all those conditions, it was no surprise. 

But honestly the weakness in my legs scared me…. I had never felt them just suddenly feel like there was no more left in them.

Since we went on this 4 day 3 night trip, I feel ever so much more rested. But the return to work was an absolute beast.  Torture could not have been more appealing…

 

 

Studying in the real world: AKA Perpetually Numb ( old or just clueless).

Being an autistic, being closeted, or out in the open has its stigmas.  You either explain your oddness or you lie low and hope that you aren’t singled out for being too weird. But secretly, you wish to be anonymous, no one taking notice of you; such as no one disturbing your work, or staring at how you walk or try to engage you in social banalities that you feel totally helpless in. I myself often don’t know how to appropriately react in social situations. I hate changes.  New things just make me dig my heels in not to like them.  If there ever was an ugly duckling, that would be me.   Despite my getting along well (My own way of keeping peace) I am the red headed step child in a world of dark haired children.  Or the ginger child as South Park would have you to believe.   So perhaps between being autie and being red headed has me singled out to just being odd period. Who knows, maybe I am just weird. To thyn own self be true.  So do I really need to change? God, the C word, change!  It causes angst even in the typing.

 

I guess I have a hard time convincing myself that I am really all that different.  After all, I am human.  Human beings have lots in common.  So why is it that we pick out the different ones?  We attack differences much like the weak and sick chick in the hen house.  To make ourselves seem to be strong and equal we mask our true selves daily, pushing aside our social bumbling and our angst that challenge our daily existence.  Is it really so difficult to accept that someone is awkward, or clumsy or shy? Is there any normal person that you know out there that doesn’t have at least one of these characteristics? Imagine being a student who won the lottery of all the characteristics…

 

All my life I have been studious.  I love reading books, using computers, learning my obsessive subjects.  I have great difficulty learning something I find boring such as math, or programming or other tedious subjects. As an artie autie rather than a technical one, I have always had much more of a grasp for the arts both language and manual. I love to analyze things, discover the reason why things are as they are and why something works.  I do tend to overanalyze though and sometimes don’t know where to stop.  I realize that I could probably learn programming, but I seem to have a mental block atm. The block is like a dull ache between the eyes, that nothing can penetrate. How can I release that block?  How can I make myself be open to liking new things? Perhaps it’s just stubbornness…Red heads are good for that. Auties are notorious for that.

 

 I want to go back to school once my kids are older.  But each year that passes, leaves me more and more technology impaired and current world events and history changes in the maps etc that I just don’t have a clue.  How does one go back to a school to relearn things you haven’t thought about in over 20 years?  Is it really that important?  Why is it so necessary to take core classes when they have nothing really to do with what you are majoring in?  Isn’t that what high school is for?  And why can’t you just take the classes necessary for the field you need?  Presuming that you passed high school, you should have a good basic grasp of math and English and Science.  I thought high school was to prepare you for college. I thought College was to give you a career.

 

These days, more and more studying is done online.  I think I could do that since now my children are a bit older and have learned not to be interrupting me every 5 minutes.  But then again, my son (my last baby) does love to mommy me to death so maybe later rather than sooner.  I guess what I am trying to say is that perhaps the online experience would avoid having to be in a classroom dealing with social awkwardness, the age gap dumbness and the physical disparity, especially being the older student at school..

So tired, and wish for numb to come

 

All things totaled, I had a very good weekend.  But it didn’t start out that way.  2 days before I left to go camping with Jeremy I was under the impression that we were going to one place, when Jeremy discovered another place to go so we went there.  Change for an autie is never a good thing and so I had my sights/heart set on one thing only to discover I had been mistaken.  Even though I know Jeremy has great taste in places, I grumbled because it wasn’t what I had in mind.  Its not that I don’t trust him or anything like that, but I had my mindset that we were going to the other place (which we still are in a few weeks) it just wasn’t this outing.

 

Also because I had a hard day at work and wasn’t able to come home and take my normal nap, I was extra grumpy.  Then came the 2 hour drive.  Grrrr It was hurry up, load the car, buckle in the kids, feed the cats and fish. It was fast becoming night, having to make stops in a grocery store in a strange mountainous place, with winding roads and few markers to indicate where we were going.  Even the GPS did not have this place on its map.

A long ride, we get there tired and hungry.  The wood is wet and dinner takes forever but finally we are fed and headed for our tents to bed.

 

Bedtime for me is usually an ordeal.  Because of my bursitis and other issues, sleeping on a firm to hard surface is not the greatest idea.  It was cold, and getting colder.  The ground was cold, the outside birds making strange loud calls.  Then I get to bed and discover that Jeremy decided that I didn’t need my pillow because  the car was full.  I went into full melt down..   The straw that broke the camel’s back at that point. We went round and round about it and I finally fell asleep only to wake a few hours later, shivering hard with the cold.  I couldn’t stop crying because a towel folded up is not a pillow.  I could not get warm and could not get comfortable because my pillow he left, also had a jacket, a long sleeve shirt, a hat for the cold and some other small things shoved into the case to save space. Not trying to be a spoiled brat I finally calmed enough to sleep. Tomorrow would be a new day.

 

I know Jeremy was looking forward to it .

 

The next morning, indeed things looked a lot brighter.  The sun came up very early, and although it was cold, Jeremy forecasted that it would warm up and be quite nice.  It was and my attitude improved.  Especially when Jeremy suggested we go to a store in the nearby town to pick up some things we needed and pillow for me. 

We drive down the mountain and in the next town we found a convenience gas store that had little to nothing in it we needed so we drove to the next nearest town and saw a familiar sign of Dollar General.  Fortuitous luck, we found they had much of their winter gear on sale.  In the South usually it stops being cold around Easter but this year we have had wild temperature swings.  Nature PMSing I guess.  I found a pillow and funnily enough, Jeremy also chose one. (Go figure he needed one too) and a couple of throw blankets and some hats and socks for the cold.

 

The place we were staying was absolutely stunning.  Nature being it’s very best.  The mountain was lovely and I got in a good climb, even for me despite my leg problems.  Ty my son struggled a couple of times; he gets tired and grumpy like me sometimes but once we got to the top he really liked the view. Jeremy got some lovely photos. We had some beautiful ribs and roasted corn on the cob and just really pigged out.  The kids got their first real opportunity to roast marshmallows on a campfire. Finally worn down, we went to bed to try out the new coverlet and pillows.

 

Unfortunately peaceful slumbering was over too quickly as some Spring Break teens sneaked into the camp around 1am and made so much noise it woke everyone up. Strangely enough they got quiet around 3am when some dogs ran through barking and howling, and around 6am they were packed and gone again.  Jeremy and I assumed the ranger kicked them out as he made the morning rounds.

 

After a fine breakfast we went up to a place where there was a lovely water fall.  We were kinda in a hurry because the weather was not going to hold out for the whole day. As we were climbing I finally just had to sit, and Jeremy was going to continue on with the kids. He came back rather quickly.  Seems one of the ledges he put his hand on, had a small brown eastern diamondback rattler on it. Quickly retreating, he came back to where I was waiting only to feel the first drops of rain, so we scurried back to the car. Slightly damp, out of breath but pleased, we headed to another spot.

 

On the drive back we noticed something very furry walking along the roadside in the ditch and at first we thought it was a cat, but it waddled rather than had the smooth gliding gait of a cat.  It had a flat back, a small pointed head, and a very bushy tail, almost looked like one of those foot stools with the fringe and the low four legs.  Turned out it was a very unusual marked skunk. Skunks in the wild are normally black with some white, this one was almost entirely white with some black spots near its bushy little tail.  It quickly ran into a rain culvert and we marveled at having seen one.  I had to wonder if this was once a pet turned out in the wild.  At least it would be in its natural habitat if it was.  I certainly was not going to investigate to see if it had been descented or not!!!

 

Jeremy drove us all the way home and it was a welcome sight.  We had a nice quick and easy dinner of roast chicken and potatoes, and bed was calling.  Who says I don’t need a pillow. (And my microfiber blanket and memory foam bed pad and my velvet comforter…)

Karma and payback

There are days when you are damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I mean, you get up in the morning… and the first foot out of bed finds where the cat has sicked up, you clean that up and then start getting ready for work and raspberry vinaigrette just happens to leak out of a covered bowl you are packing for your lunch onto your white corduroys...If I didn’t need to save time up for my surgery I would just call it day already and head back to bed. Through dreary sleepy eyes (I awoke from nightmares about something gray chasing me zigzagging me as though I was being hunted) I stumble through my morning routine. Get to work, the traffic is moving at less than a snails pace and though I live only about 10 – 15 minutes away it can take a good 45 to an hour to go less than 5 miles… not amused. 5 minutes after I am supposed to be at work I pull up, stepping out the door of the car, the clouds drop their mother load of rain on me and I look like a survivor of a bad wet T shirt contest. So much for parking near the door as to not get so wet! My boss is tiffed because she had to sit at my desk for the 5 minutes but she doesn’t say so, she just says glad you’re here (in a grumbley tone) and leaves off to her office. My head is pounding now, and I haven’t gotten through my first intake. Open a diet coke and as I go for the phone which has all five lines lit up, it tumbles. Spilling onto the khaki pants I changed into after the Raspberry Vinaigrette…. Diet coke at least doesn’t stain bright red and after damp cleaning faded back into the khaki. Clean up on aisle 5. Then I snort back a goodies powder which promptly dusts the front of my blouse. Deep breath; not a good sign of things to come. Found out I needed copies of almost every form I had so I went back to use the copier and put it on 50 each. So another co worker, who I don’t particularly care for came up and decided she would cancel what I was copying right in the middle of sequence. Then, she has the gall to call me at my desk to blame me that every time she needs to make copies, she can’t because I mess it up! Called the person to reset the machine, and low and behold, the error came because she tried to stop my copies!!! Feeling a little smug I trudge back to my desk with the partial copies and try to get a moment to go back and make more, funnily enough with no further incident. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Karma has its way again! Anyone ever tell you dealing with office personalities and politic could be fun? At least for me it is a best a daily challenge because I just don’t get why they do what they do. My personality isn’t evil; I haven’t got the claws to stab my coworkers in the back. I am not worried about what everyone else is doing. I just don’t have time and energy to be plotting the demise of my coworker’s career plans… I really can’t/don’t/won’t understand why they do. To me it just doesn’t make sense. I guess I am not like Stewie Griffith out to conquer the world. I really do not have subversive plans to undermine the office government or to steal my co worker’s job title. I think that may be why it annoys them. I am not under anyone else’s control and they hate that with a passion. I am also not into their clique, their race games, or their office co-op for snacks. My office is solitary, I don’t sit at their lunch table, I don’t offer to share my food unless it’s someone I really like. Nor do I really have to have much interaction or depend on them to do anything. I think that irritates them as well. There are really only a couple of people here that really get under my skin though. I guess it’s that way in any office. At least I recognize what’s going on some of the time. Motives though escape me. I can’t wrap my head around why people do some of the low down things they do? What could possibly benefit them? I just shake my head and move on because deep down, what they do doesn’t affect who I am and what I do. The evil people in this world, they don’t know me. They haven’t a clue who I am really down inside. But that’s where Karma comes back in, and will bite them in the butt. One day for some reason, they will need me for something. Then what will they do? Suck it up like I have to when they are being evil. I love to see their faces when they do too… It makes them just squirm and they get that sour I just ate an unripe persimmon look on their faces, (or is that just the way they look, anyway?) Things will come full circle…

Please don't fear us because of people like these

http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2009/03/26/bauer_autism/index.html

Fake people using religion as an excuse....

Just some thoughts for the “”Christian”” community…

I can’t understand how some people take it upon themselves to think they are godlier, morally or better than someone else. Especially some very outspoken Christian people I have come to know over the years. They smile in your face and then stab you in the back while smiling, all under the pretext of “” helping you””. Sorry, I neither want nor need any help of that sort; it feels fake and looks very unflattering for the person doing it. And I am not saying I am not Christian, I do believe, but I also believe in do unto others as you would have them do unto you… I mean, a snitch is a snitch…Reprehensible. Being mean to someone behind their back, all the while acting friendly isn’t exactly being truthful and honest. Not exactly Christian like… Now, in case for those who misunderstand me, I am not saying if someone is doing something wrong that is hurting you or hurting your job, or hurting the way you are living, then these things should not be kept to yourself.

But….

How someone else lives, deals with life, dresses, loves, works, worships, spends their spare time, is none of anyone else’s concern. Period.

First if it’s not your concern, stay out of it. If it doesn’t affect you, and it’s not about your own position, stay out of it. Don’t take it on yourself to report someone doing something you don’t consider “”technically correct”” if it doesn’t concern you. If it’s not illegal, not harming you or anyone else; it’s none of your business. You may find that although you may feel like you are being honorable; but in fact you are making a black mark on your soul, something you will have to live with. Doing a wrong to someone even though you feel you are doing to make yourself look “”right or make yourself feel more powerful ”” doesn’t raise your points in the eyes of the Lord. The Lord knows and sees all, he doesn’t need you as a witness to tell others of what so and so is doing or not doing. It is not our place to judge someone. If we as Christians confess ours sins and repent, the punishment/retribution should not be dealt by our peers. It is not our place to judge someone. If someone is doing something wrong, it will always come to the light.

Instead, why not tell and witness the good things in the world, the good things others do for you and around you? Doesn’t it seem more likely that being a Christian you would want to spread goodness? Does it make you feel all good knowing you could make someone lose their job or hurt them in someway by whispering accusations and rumors? Is there some sort of auto satisfaction? Or is it all a pretense so you can glorify yourself?

I guess this is for anyone who does these sorts of things… I certainly don’t. I have enough ghosts of past problems, memories or hard times, and bad things both done to me and by me that haunt my dreams. I am not perfect but then no one living today is, by any standard. He who is without sin should cast the first stone… I would prefer to love life as it is, as I believe God lets us do, and let others do the same….