Imperfectionist

I am really good at:

staring.

stimming.

overthinking.

over feeling.

overeating.

being less than a human.

never having enough energy.

never reaching goals I have for myself.

not feeling what I think I should feel.

not being who I should be.

not being where I want to be.

being incredibly sarcastic and ironic.

I am really unsure of myself when I am:

feeling for another person.

writing clear thoughts.

being a human being.

being a energetic.

being full of life.

coping with everyday stress.

being a perfectionist.

being organized.

collecting my thoughts.

expressing my thoughts.

making myself understood to myself and to others.

I am really good at:

making messes of my life.

making disasters in the lives of others.

feeling insecure.

being indecisive.

being needy.

being jealous.

being greedy.

I am really bad at:

taking care of things on time.

Responding for myself in a timely manner.

speaking.

keeping myself in a clean and neat form.

not spilling, not dropping,not scuffing.

business protocol.

office politics.

originality

I am really good at:

being a advocate.

being similar.

following.

copying.

miming.

masking.

being distracted easily.

learning languages.

mazes.

falling.

getting sick.

being imperfect.

New Meds

Went to the Dr's yesterday and got a new prescription for a new Iron supplement that hasn't been recalled. Have to go back in a month for more blood work to make sure its taking some affect. I also got a B-12 shot and a TD shot which left my arm a bit sore. Turns out the shot incapsulated which formed a sterile abscess and a subdural hematoma. I have been dragging lately. I keep hoping they will let me know that I have the position or not as it has been three weeks now and still nothing. Without the insurance I can't have the ultrasound/surgery that I might need to combat the anemia and any other problem they might find. I only hope I can stay healthy long enough to find out...

Paradoxes of Pain,Paranoia, & Insecurity

I am having a crappy morning... I woke up and it took me nearly an hour to get up and get dressed in my cold cold room. My left side of my head has the sensation of caving in and my left ear as if its on fire and aches like a toothache I can't quite reach. Who needs migraines when you can have a cluster hedache! Arrggghhh My brain is in a fog and has been most of the weekend.

I have struggled to stay awake as I shut down in meltdown for most of Sunday. Its a wonder I haven't done serious damage to myself, when I think I shouldn't be driving but have no choices...I broke my passenger side mirror on a mailbox, and am feeling pretty bad about it. I nearly wrecked this morning because an idiot suddenly stopped in the road to talk to someone outside on the side of the road, and that would be all I need at this point. Pull into the guy's driveway if you want to talk, the road is not a parking lot!

I sit at work and have all these what if's and little guilt voices racing through my mind. I keep thinking that I'm screwing something up but finding out what, and reaching that goal in my mind seems to be just in sight but totally out of reach. Paranoia that I just really shouldn't be here, or anywhere for that matter, and I wonder do I really deserve to inflict myself on anyone?

I'm exhausted, I just want to sleep all the time. I know my blood counts are down even though I am taking the max iron. allowed. I can feel it. The aching bones, the I just can't wait to close my eyes. I stay awake long enough to eat and try to unload some of my mind, but I've not been really sucessful lately at unloading.

I need a way to relax somehow. But if I relax, nothing gets done... paradox.

Sometimes Bad things happen to Bad People!

Things in the office will go much smoother now!

Valentines Day or numbed again.....

Seems like I spent most of my day in overload again. My fellow hourly employee and I worked alone. We are still 5 positions short at work and the other person that works with us was out, and the psycho-socio stayed in her cubbie in the back all day so at least there was no further problem. I am so bone draggedly tired, I feel run down. I have no life other than work, cook, fetch the kids eat and fall asleep. My life has become an overworked underpaid nightmare that never seems to end. The only reward I could have is that we don't have clinic this weekend and I plan to take full advantage to sleep as much as possible. My children have been so testy lately and I hate that they are subjected to my overload and under energy. Anemia is not my friend.

Me Too?

Numbed and Emotionless,

childlike,

Yet too old.

too alone,

too scared.

Too tired to stay awake,

but too scared to sleep.

Too battered to move,

Too nervous to sit still.

One part of the mind racing at light speed,

the other desperately trying to close my eyes.

One not wanting to see the thoughts racing through my head,

The other too busy to ignore them.

One urging to write it all down before it goes away,

the other, sit still, relax, forget, rest....

Wanting the pressure of touch,

yet shunning all other sensations of feeling.

Wanting soft and silky touch of clothing,

and moving my toes in itchy shoes.

My eyes still sticky with sleep,

and my mind racing on the fuel of caffiene.

I want to go,

but have to stay put.

Overloaded Again: Daily dose of Bummed

Head just isn't working as well as I'd like lately... Work is still short about 5 people. But no one seems to be hurrying to make a decision whether I'll finally have a permanent position after all these years. I'm just worn completely out. The Dr. prescribed an rx for fero-folate a really strong iron supplement. Problem is no one has it, and it has been recalled. Worse still, it cost $59.00 and is not available under patient assistance. So back to the 3 325 mg iron tablets a day which tend to either stop my digestion system completely or send me running down the hall...
And they seem to have stopped working as well...
I just want to curl into a ball and feel sorry for myself for a while, but I'm not being allowed. Too many responsibilities pulling at me at the moment.

From the mouths of babes...

When one mentions autism to me I am all ears but when I observe it... Last night in the Walmart grocery my son picked up a rather large grapefruit that was the size of the mini basket balls, and asked me what it was. A worker behind me strolled up and started quoting all the facts about this strange Japanese fruit. How it was 2x more sour than a normal grapefruit, how it was developed in Japan, how it could cause stomach ulcers if you ate too many etc... As he strolled off, I recognized the gait of a fellow autie,(as if the fact quotations weren't enough) I chuckled to myself and my family and got out without too much sensory overload.

Another funny point that happened yesterday. My son has been (im)patiently waiting for a certain favorite treat of his to be opened at home, and he keeps asking when its going to be opened so that he can indulge in his portion. He keeps asking "when ?when?" "Later", We replied and he says back "But, (whining) ... It's already past later!" Can't argue with logic.

More meds, more hassles

Stress has caused me to have a new issue... another med, another 4 bucks in Walmart's unending pockets. I am now taking Hydrocot 25mg for my blood pressure of all things. Of course this was after three days of going round and round with Bell South over why my DSL wasn't connected when they told me it would be. Say what you mean, mean what you say. If its not the truth, I don't want to hear it. Take a hint from Nike, Bellsouth aka AT&T, Just DO It!!!!

Also my blood anemia count went down again, so now we are scrambling for iron meds that are special order (possibly $$$$). Walmart is backordering it.... geez wonder what this will do to my stomach....

Money has been tight again, but I guess this is a common theme with most people and not necessarily an autie thing. I just can't handle figures and budgets. Bills stress me beyond belief. I'd much rather just leave them unopened until I have to pay or else.... Sigh Not very effective in staving off the bill collecters aka leaches.....

Jelly Side Down

Sometimes things that seem sweet and nice end up just making messes in your life. Sometimes, you tolerate all you can, and yet despite bending until you break, there are just some people in this world who have it "out for you". Even if you have done nothing memoribly wrong. Incredible how some people will fib and lie to try and cover their own faults and sins. Hopefully my relationship with the powers that be is better than that.
--
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"/ Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
- Charles M. Schulz