Numbed or Normal

We pretend to be normal,
originally uploaded by A V A.

Ava gave me her persmission to use this on my blog so the picture is hers all rights reserved.

Masking is something I have to deal with everyday and when I saw this pic by AVA on Flickr I saw that it imbodied what I feel most days.

Somedays I just go through as a blur only collapsing at home to reset my brain and to restart my evening with my family and cats. Other days, it takes all my energy just to get through them. I am not normal, a neuro-typical, an NT. Life as a generality is difficult for me. My coping of everyday noise, stresses. lights, sounds, people and socialities is not that good.

When I am alone is when I can feel most myself, at least for now. When J is here, I have different copes, different skills, help even. comprehension, understanding, all these things sadly lack in my life atm.

Somedays I am alone with my kitties, listening to my own heartbeat above the roar of the purr of my cats or the snores of one othem sleeping. Sometimes, my stomach leaps as if kicked by a ghost fetus and flips as though its turning in my womb though its been years since a baby has occupied that space. Although I realize this is just a fantasy I sometimes wonder will one ever again.

I laze with out the energy to lift myself up, not from depression, but lack of pure physical energy, and the strain it causes on my aging body. The anemia most days gets the best of me, and that in itself depresses me. I no longer wish to leave the comfort zone of my home, not wishing to expend what little energy I have to muster.
Cooking has become a chore to me when I am alone, unispired, unimaginative, undesired. (I can cook really well, just by myself it doesn't seem right) Not want ing to leave the nearness of the only contact i have atm with J.

Six months to a year... sigh

Life lately

Enjoying the nutri-cal paste,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

First this is second attempt to post this since my keyboard has been acting crazy.
There are many changes going on right now. The center manager who they hired to replace Gloria when se retired has only been there two months and has no clue about how to run a heath center, Bonnie, my boss, got promoted and they haven't replaced her. So work has been chaos. Couple that with the back to school rush fro vaccinations/jabs and you have hell in a basket.
The kitty in the picture nearly died this week with a bacterial infection. It has been touch and go for a coule of days but hopefully we are seeing the end of this. She has been through so much and I just have this need to make her know that I love her and want her to live happy and healthy. We've been through a lot together emotionally. She has bitten me out of fear and pain a couple of times, but now she doesn't even growl and I can pick her up and stroke her and she enjoys it.
My dad had to have cancer surgery on his nose again, At least he's getting a facelift benefit from it,,, I teased him.

And still no word from immigration on when my J will be returning to stay. I miss him more and more everyday.

Rightly numb...

Right...,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Waiting is not one of my strong points....And try as I might time just seems to drag. I have taken some huge steps in my personal life these past couple of months such as starting Group Therapy for enpowerment, seeing a mental health specialist to be evaluated properly, started new and combined meds and raised dosage of olds meds, and filed my K-1 application for the fiance visa to bring J back to me.
My boss who has held me back at work is leaving next week, in the busiest part of the year... It will be hell around here until someone figures out how to make things coordinated around here. Since the center manager has only been here 2 months and isn't here more days than not, it is not likely that will happen anytime soon. And so far they have not posted or recruited anyone publicly for the position. But, they tend to be so sneaky around here, then they wonder why we can't trust what they say, almost like they have crossed fingers behind their backs! Paranoia?????

A snarling pathetic animal....

Mi Corazon Salvaje,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Although things are moving along as planned,I seem to be more tired and more sad as the days go by. I am waiting to see the doc next week because I am aching all over, my hormones seem to be all over the place, and I am wondering what exactly is happening to me.
I miss J more than anyone could say and my life has dwindled down to work, nintendo, computer/flickr and kitties with smatterings of conversations with J.

My mother says I don't get out enough,I don't try to go out and do new things, i don't let people get close enough to me, i don't let myself care enough about others... sigh
As much as I have tried to explain it over the years, I can't seem to make her understand that this is the nature of the beast (AS)
And the beast is always there, ready to bite, ready to consume, ready to rip into shreds whatever composure or dignity I might posses at the time, and lay to ruins any organization or energy I may have had earlier.

Sometimes things make you uncomfortably numb….others pull you into warmly numb

sensitive plant,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Particularly when you least expect it. At times, you want and need company of friends, and you think it might be comforting to them as well only to find they prefer others to speak their mind or other outlets rather than listening to you. And who can really blame them? When you are depressed yourself, it is difficult to give comfort and or receive it. No one already depressed needs to hear how down you are. If it’s difficult to animate yourself, how can you possibly animate someone else to go on and be content with their life? You can’t and to do so would be lying on your own part.

Lately my kitties have been my only company. Mushu and Soli do their part, and yet the third, Kimiko a sullen abused Persian loathes me through every fiber of her being. But, I will win her somehow. My children have spent the last week and a half with their father. Not having J here, I am alone. I sleep brokenly and much more than I should. I am tired all the time, but complete 8 hours sleep escapes me and I sleep for 2-3 hours and wake.

My life it seems has enough energy for two or three days out of a month to do extra things. Then, there is little animation or motivation to continue. I’ve not had much energy to do many things I need and or want to do. I’ve been dreaming of having a fairy garden for years. I know it sounds kind of silly for an older woman to be dreaming of fairy fantasies. But I remember once as a child going to a garden that had all kinds of fantasy child like animals and figurines and small toys and I was captivated. As an autistic child these things remained in my head like a fantasy and to this day I can’t take them out. So, with the help of Freecycle, I have gotten some concrete border stones and a birdbath, some herb seeds, and some herb plants. I haven’t gotten any magic stones, fairies gnomes or any other magical creatures, but I imagine that I will pick these up gradually in different places, one by one. Hopefully they will all have their own stories to tell behind their selection and it’s something I think my children will enjoy helping me do and won’t destroy because they will want it to stay as magical as it is intended. I can expand on this with time perhaps with a water feature, or a pond or both! (lol) a gazing ball, a park bench, larger stones, moss, ferns etc. I want to make the garden seem very woodsey, very quaint, and with an element of surprise, the hidden elf peeking under a giant leaf, a mushroom that seems real but won’t die in the winter, a butterfly, crystals, geodes, things you find in hidden caches without destroying the (un)natural beauty of the garden, a stump that holds something in its hollow end, a fairy ring, perhaps with fairy size twig furniture ( Maybe something the kids can do!)

its just emotion that I don't know how to deal with...

alone again,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Aloneness has been filling my evenings lately.

There is nothing worse than coming home and no one greeting you. Fish say nothing and the cats are so independent that they choose whe to great and retreat.
I am trying so hard to keep myself together physically and mentally, but some days I just feel like coasting along with out so much effort.
Some days I need that extra effort just to get going to work. I sometimes wish i didn't have to go out at all and if I could survive without working I would. But in order to have the changes in my life I want, i must work. I have to pay the bills, I have to eat, and have to feed and clothe my family and pets.
Sometimes I just need the energy just to breathe. Working becomes a chore a lot of the time.I used to enjoy it. Now I dread it.I just want to be at home with my computer (that I have to pay the bill for) my kids, cats and fish and food. If somehow I could live and be able to bring Jeremy here without me having to work would be so great. I just don't have any answers

Double Occupancy Required

SUNP0034,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Since Jeremy has been gone, I can not stay here. I can not bear the cold sheets against my skin nor the vast expanse of the bed mattress, I am so alone.
And although I have many happy days to come and many happy memories to think about, the every day passage of time is slow and painful.
Some days are easier than other. Today, for some reason has been teary and harder than most.
I never can predict the rise and falls of depression and it often catches me by surprise. I have much to be happy for. But I am so alone...