Although I am now on the Adderall to help me with concentration I am struggling with the whole getting through a day thing. I love my new job, but the same time I am struggling to understand and keep up with all the paper work. I just can't keep my mind on work with all the crap I am going through. And I had to get glasses this week.
The Dr told me yesterday that my blood counts are way off again, 8.5 out of 13-15 normal hemoglobin and high sugar, though i found that hard to believe as I am anal about what I eat, nonetheless, I am back on Glucophage and I hate it. I hate diabetes! Its not fair that I can't eat what I think I need to eat when I want to eat it (I do not eat badly!) and what I want to eat. This bland, over-proteined lo carb lo-seasoned eating is crap, and perhaps if a Dr could make a decent diet that was palatable and tasty maybe more people would be able to stick to one a lot easier. Also fresh veggies and meat at every meal is expensive. I can eat Ramen noodles for .10 cents a package and adding some veg and cheese and be satisfied and feel like I haven't broken my food budget.
Enough with people wanting to mind my business, I want my own life back, not someone else's watered down version of it. I don't have an exciting life, in fact its rather boring, but its mine, and I didn't give anyone else permission to take it over, i neither want nor asked for structure and schedules and yet slowly this is what is happening. i am being told when to get up, when to eat, what to eat and how to cook and season it, when to take all these meds, when to sleep, whenI should wake up, (god forbid I oversleep, especially on the weekend!) what kind of exercise I should get and for how long and when I should do this and when and who I should see at the Dr's , and the what fors etc. Enough.I tend to balk at people who boss me around, and I am feeling the same way here. I realize I shouldn't feel this way, but I am real good at playing the stubborn spoiled brat, just ask Jeremy if you don't believe me.
I am also back on iron, but the Dr said enough is enough and referred me to a surgeon on Monday. not looking forward to that either. That is the last place I want a surgeon poking around.
Went to see my ex today at the hospital ICU, and he asked me to feed him. I just felt so bad for him, I don't know what to say, Sorry that your dying, anything you need?"Want some pudding?" Sounds a bit trite, No? I feel so helpless as concerned to him and its dragging me further down. I am so worried about everything right now , I don't rest, I can't concentrate, all I can do is just tryand drag myself through each day and get well myself, and wonder what else will happen tomorrow...
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Undernumbered, Overwhelmed....
Things have taken a turn for the worse.... The father of my children was diagnosed with stage 4 adrenocarcinoma, in other words terminal lung cancer. If he doesn't have tumors in his brain, he has about 10 months to live. My oldest daughter is his next of kin and she has had to grow up very quickly. It doesn't seem fair, but when is life fair?
OTOH my visit with the Dr went quite well. Finally a Dr who actually knows what Asperger's syndrome is, and actually gets it when I talk to him. I told him of my concentration problems and he started me on a low dose of adderall (generic) even with insurance its 20.00 a bottle, not very economic, but.... from the first day I can say I feel more clear and a little more energized. maybe when he bumps the dose in a month I can actually feel some motivation.... sigh, with everything going on here, it seems likely that it will stay tanked.
I need so many things, and I just don't have the ways/means to get/deal with/put up with. I am so mentally tired....
Monday, April 7, 2008
Still feeling odd
I overdid the caffiene and felt a little better yesterday. I still didn't get much done, though and it weighs on my mind. I am so distracted, so weirded out. Nothing is as it should be. I go to that clinical trial for ADD tommorow, though frankly I am terrified... I am forcing myself out of my house to go. I am not up to being social and talking to strangers and it truly bothers me. I have a general Dr's apt , brand new Dr since I now have insurance. Boy, he is going to have a handful with me, but I guess that's what HMO GP's sign up for...on Friday morning and my eye apt is on Thursday afternoon, since I didn't pass my eye exam for my job, and I can't see the normal font an overstuffed sofa arm away from the desk. I am terrified of the bills I have right now, I am worried about my ex since he makes my mortgage payments, I think I mentioned he is in the hospital with pneumonia and congestive heart problems. Sigh, I don't want to feel sorry for myself but at the same time, my gosh, what did I do to get all this????!!!!
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Spring Confusion
I have gotten myself into a financial situation that is atm unsolvable and could risk my keeping my children. Atm I am without water and soon to be without gas, both bill ranging over 1000.00. I don't know really how they got that high. I am still off anti-depressants since the bronchitis. I'm not sure they were helping that much anymore anyway, and now my problems seem to be more of the ADD type rather than depression. I have decided to try and enter a study to see if I can get a reasonable diagnosis and possibly meds to help me with concentration. Did I mention my grandmother died this last week? She was 95 and suffered from Alzheimer's disease. She was also on Zoloft for many years so I guess I am not such a pear on the apple tree after all. My family makes me feel as if I am so weird compared to them. I just can't be like them. I have no clue how to be organized. I am making strides in getting my life back together and then the house of cards I am building gets sucked down by the least little thing. (Lately they have been huge things) I stand in the ruins and am clueless of what to do.I have no idea where some necessary things are in the house and I am feeling absolutely nuts. Where to start again, .ATM I feel almost like why bother, and keep my own personal pity party. I am not coping well. I am alone this week thank god, my kids are staying at their aunts. But last night I found out my ex, who I really don't have hard feelings against, is in the hospital with pneumonia and congestive heart failure. So he can't help me with my bills either. My kids are safe with their aunt and I guess its the best place for them right now, I just need to get myself together, I just can't find the right starting point, the energy, anymore.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Lots to catch up
I've had bronchitis on top of all my other little pasky ailments.... and I've decided to take myself off all meds, funnily enough I've lost 5 lbs, go figure.
My Dad is doing ok, he also had bronchitis, hopefully not from me, and has taken his 5th chemo, and a new pet scan that says his tumor is shrinking whch hopefully is an indication that it is going away. Jeremy had his medical but hasn't gotten his interview yet.
Today is the last day in my job and I start my new one with benefits in the County as a permanent Employee tommorow as a Bilingual Outreach worker. More money, benefilts but 52 mles away from my house... ;(
My Dad is doing ok, he also had bronchitis, hopefully not from me, and has taken his 5th chemo, and a new pet scan that says his tumor is shrinking whch hopefully is an indication that it is going away. Jeremy had his medical but hasn't gotten his interview yet.
Today is the last day in my job and I start my new one with benefits in the County as a permanent Employee tommorow as a Bilingual Outreach worker. More money, benefilts but 52 mles away from my house... ;(
Monday, January 14, 2008
Non-Coping with numbness
It seems most my life I have had a body image problem. As a teen, I was too thin, (but never thin enough) until I broke my foot and discovered food. Then became thin again, normal thin, not dancer thin, then, I discovered having children and a changing body form. As a former annorexic dancer, the fatness of pregnancy ate at my self esteem. Not able to move around and having to be on bed rest, destroyed any desire and any capacity to diet and exercise. It no longer mattered even if I ate correctly I gained weight and to top it off, became diabetic.
Having diabetes means having to keep your blood levels of sugar even so you don't have extreme overloads or underloads of sugar in your bloodstream. This requires almost scientific eating, measured and balanced food, and eating every 3 to 4 hours. You have to have enough caloric intake to not be ravenous, yet not overdo either. Its a lose/ lose or much better said, a gain/gain situation.
I do not gain anymore(fortuneately), my A-1C's are just right, by finger sticks (when I do them anymore) are perfect. I no longer get the jitters from dropping blood sugars because I know what and when to eat.
Cutting from this, however, leaves my blood levels dropping, and I can not maintaina normal healthy attitude. Dieting, or at least, cutting calories from my diet, only seems to aggrevate my problem.
Although I am proportionate, I am overweight. My stomach is horribly stretched from having 7 pregnancies and only 3 surving children. The constant trying to achieve thinness as a child and recovering between pregnancies only exacerbated the problem.
Now I am old, I have asthma, fibromyalgia which causes severe pains in my joints and connective tissues, bad knees and hips from overstretching tendons, and ruined cartiledge from ballet, old bone breaks in my feet and badly healed shin fractures, plantar faciatis,tailors bunions,ingrowns nails, severe anemia from other complications, and any garden variety of colds and upper respitory ailments with allergies. All of these things combined make exercise sheer torture for me.
Somedays when i am at work, my hands are aching or my wrists, or my knees and hips. I take advil, or whatever I can get to numb some of the pain but it never really goes away Some days are more tolerable than others. Somedays I rush and push myself and later regret it the next day. I realize exercise can be painful, but it wasn't that painful before. I can not recover as quickly day to day from an active day to a resting day. Most days, I haven't got the energy to even get out of bed, but I do it because if I don't I will starve.(There's a concept)
This is my dilemna, there is no magic pill to take it all away. I have no benefits that I can see a Dr constantly to take away my ailments one by one. Surgery seems a distant dream, but very risky and very expensive. And, because I have no insurance, no medical team will even consider it.
I saw a program this weekend that really made me sad. It talked about how children see their parents, and how one child was always embaressed because their mom was so overweight.
I see the mothers that come and pick up the other children at my kids school. Many are wealthy, fit, coiffed, manicured and dressed in the latest fashions. I often wonder what my kids perceptions of what a parent (ie mom) should look like. I know I can't compare.
Being autie, the least thing I want is someone looking or perceiving how I am. But, my children's opinions do matter. And even though I know in their minds they love me, that is not the same as how they see me against other people, or how other children perceive their mother and comment to them.
Sigh, at times I am a bag of flesh without the strenghth or ability to push forward with changes. Being autie, changes are always difficult. My diet, is rigid mostly, and adding to or cutting back, is often more costly emotionally and monetarily than I have the resources for. I don't have the resources for a full day physically most days, never mind mentally.
I have not found a diet yet that uses the things I eat in my diet. Its really sad that there isn't a diet that will make you want to use and continue with it. But making you eat strange and frankly nasty tasting and textured foods just because its lo cal/ lo fat/ lo carb is a form of torture all in its own to an autie.
Lately I am being told I am beautiful by my fiance, and I just don't believe him. I see myself, the marks, the folds, the lines, and I just can't bring myself to see what he sees. I can't concieve that anyone could find this body attractive, I detest it. I fel horribly disorganized, messy, and just unfit to even walk in public. I am terrififed to walk around my block, fearing the unknown and my personal safety.
I no longer care if I wear makeup when I am out nor am I out to impress anyone but myself. And yet, that is the ultimate in contridiction since, I do really care deep down about my"fatness". But seemingly I am helpless to do much about it so do I really? Sigh...
Having diabetes means having to keep your blood levels of sugar even so you don't have extreme overloads or underloads of sugar in your bloodstream. This requires almost scientific eating, measured and balanced food, and eating every 3 to 4 hours. You have to have enough caloric intake to not be ravenous, yet not overdo either. Its a lose/ lose or much better said, a gain/gain situation.
I do not gain anymore(fortuneately), my A-1C's are just right, by finger sticks (when I do them anymore) are perfect. I no longer get the jitters from dropping blood sugars because I know what and when to eat.
Cutting from this, however, leaves my blood levels dropping, and I can not maintaina normal healthy attitude. Dieting, or at least, cutting calories from my diet, only seems to aggrevate my problem.
Although I am proportionate, I am overweight. My stomach is horribly stretched from having 7 pregnancies and only 3 surving children. The constant trying to achieve thinness as a child and recovering between pregnancies only exacerbated the problem.
Now I am old, I have asthma, fibromyalgia which causes severe pains in my joints and connective tissues, bad knees and hips from overstretching tendons, and ruined cartiledge from ballet, old bone breaks in my feet and badly healed shin fractures, plantar faciatis,tailors bunions,ingrowns nails, severe anemia from other complications, and any garden variety of colds and upper respitory ailments with allergies. All of these things combined make exercise sheer torture for me.
Somedays when i am at work, my hands are aching or my wrists, or my knees and hips. I take advil, or whatever I can get to numb some of the pain but it never really goes away Some days are more tolerable than others. Somedays I rush and push myself and later regret it the next day. I realize exercise can be painful, but it wasn't that painful before. I can not recover as quickly day to day from an active day to a resting day. Most days, I haven't got the energy to even get out of bed, but I do it because if I don't I will starve.(There's a concept)
This is my dilemna, there is no magic pill to take it all away. I have no benefits that I can see a Dr constantly to take away my ailments one by one. Surgery seems a distant dream, but very risky and very expensive. And, because I have no insurance, no medical team will even consider it.
I saw a program this weekend that really made me sad. It talked about how children see their parents, and how one child was always embaressed because their mom was so overweight.
I see the mothers that come and pick up the other children at my kids school. Many are wealthy, fit, coiffed, manicured and dressed in the latest fashions. I often wonder what my kids perceptions of what a parent (ie mom) should look like. I know I can't compare.
Being autie, the least thing I want is someone looking or perceiving how I am. But, my children's opinions do matter. And even though I know in their minds they love me, that is not the same as how they see me against other people, or how other children perceive their mother and comment to them.
Sigh, at times I am a bag of flesh without the strenghth or ability to push forward with changes. Being autie, changes are always difficult. My diet, is rigid mostly, and adding to or cutting back, is often more costly emotionally and monetarily than I have the resources for. I don't have the resources for a full day physically most days, never mind mentally.
I have not found a diet yet that uses the things I eat in my diet. Its really sad that there isn't a diet that will make you want to use and continue with it. But making you eat strange and frankly nasty tasting and textured foods just because its lo cal/ lo fat/ lo carb is a form of torture all in its own to an autie.
Lately I am being told I am beautiful by my fiance, and I just don't believe him. I see myself, the marks, the folds, the lines, and I just can't bring myself to see what he sees. I can't concieve that anyone could find this body attractive, I detest it. I fel horribly disorganized, messy, and just unfit to even walk in public. I am terrififed to walk around my block, fearing the unknown and my personal safety.
I no longer care if I wear makeup when I am out nor am I out to impress anyone but myself. And yet, that is the ultimate in contridiction since, I do really care deep down about my"fatness". But seemingly I am helpless to do much about it so do I really? Sigh...
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
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