It seems most my life I have had a body image problem. As a teen, I was too thin, (but never thin enough) until I broke my foot and discovered food. Then became thin again, normal thin, not dancer thin, then, I discovered having children and a changing body form. As a former annorexic dancer, the fatness of pregnancy ate at my self esteem. Not able to move around and having to be on bed rest, destroyed any desire and any capacity to diet and exercise. It no longer mattered even if I ate correctly I gained weight and to top it off, became diabetic.
Having diabetes means having to keep your blood levels of sugar even so you don't have extreme overloads or underloads of sugar in your bloodstream. This requires almost scientific eating, measured and balanced food, and eating every 3 to 4 hours. You have to have enough caloric intake to not be ravenous, yet not overdo either. Its a lose/ lose or much better said, a gain/gain situation.
I do not gain anymore(fortuneately), my A-1C's are just right, by finger sticks (when I do them anymore) are perfect. I no longer get the jitters from dropping blood sugars because I know what and when to eat.
Cutting from this, however, leaves my blood levels dropping, and I can not maintaina normal healthy attitude. Dieting, or at least, cutting calories from my diet, only seems to aggrevate my problem.
Although I am proportionate, I am overweight. My stomach is horribly stretched from having 7 pregnancies and only 3 surving children. The constant trying to achieve thinness as a child and recovering between pregnancies only exacerbated the problem.
Now I am old, I have asthma, fibromyalgia which causes severe pains in my joints and connective tissues, bad knees and hips from overstretching tendons, and ruined cartiledge from ballet, old bone breaks in my feet and badly healed shin fractures, plantar faciatis,tailors bunions,ingrowns nails, severe anemia from other complications, and any garden variety of colds and upper respitory ailments with allergies. All of these things combined make exercise sheer torture for me.
Somedays when i am at work, my hands are aching or my wrists, or my knees and hips. I take advil, or whatever I can get to numb some of the pain but it never really goes away Some days are more tolerable than others. Somedays I rush and push myself and later regret it the next day. I realize exercise can be painful, but it wasn't that painful before. I can not recover as quickly day to day from an active day to a resting day. Most days, I haven't got the energy to even get out of bed, but I do it because if I don't I will starve.(There's a concept)
This is my dilemna, there is no magic pill to take it all away. I have no benefits that I can see a Dr constantly to take away my ailments one by one. Surgery seems a distant dream, but very risky and very expensive. And, because I have no insurance, no medical team will even consider it.
I saw a program this weekend that really made me sad. It talked about how children see their parents, and how one child was always embaressed because their mom was so overweight.
I see the mothers that come and pick up the other children at my kids school. Many are wealthy, fit, coiffed, manicured and dressed in the latest fashions. I often wonder what my kids perceptions of what a parent (ie mom) should look like. I know I can't compare.
Being autie, the least thing I want is someone looking or perceiving how I am. But, my children's opinions do matter. And even though I know in their minds they love me, that is not the same as how they see me against other people, or how other children perceive their mother and comment to them.
Sigh, at times I am a bag of flesh without the strenghth or ability to push forward with changes. Being autie, changes are always difficult. My diet, is rigid mostly, and adding to or cutting back, is often more costly emotionally and monetarily than I have the resources for. I don't have the resources for a full day physically most days, never mind mentally.
I have not found a diet yet that uses the things I eat in my diet. Its really sad that there isn't a diet that will make you want to use and continue with it. But making you eat strange and frankly nasty tasting and textured foods just because its lo cal/ lo fat/ lo carb is a form of torture all in its own to an autie.
Lately I am being told I am beautiful by my fiance, and I just don't believe him. I see myself, the marks, the folds, the lines, and I just can't bring myself to see what he sees. I can't concieve that anyone could find this body attractive, I detest it. I fel horribly disorganized, messy, and just unfit to even walk in public. I am terrififed to walk around my block, fearing the unknown and my personal safety.
I no longer care if I wear makeup when I am out nor am I out to impress anyone but myself. And yet, that is the ultimate in contridiction since, I do really care deep down about my"fatness". But seemingly I am helpless to do much about it so do I really? Sigh...
Monday, January 14, 2008
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Friday, December 28, 2007
Holiday Numbness
There just nothing like not being with the one you love during the holidays. This year has been especially hard on me with Jeremy now already approved, my father diagnosed with Stage 2 Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, and my children spending Christmas eve with their father.
To top it all off, my bank lost a check I deposited and still insists they don’t have it… how strange. Even though I deposited it in their ATM in their lobby, and the receipt which itemizes each check was there, the main check wasn’t. (according to them anyway… bizarre!) Just to say 6 overdrafts left me nearly wiped clean for paying anything, food, presents, bills etc. Did little to lift my holiday cheer.
I have been very low in iron counts lately and do not have energy to clean or cook or anything. The day before Christmas weekend started, I had such a migraine headache I could see to drive much less work, so I ended up driving to work and telling my supervisor I was leaving. I couldn’t really afford to do so, but I couldn’t work like that.
This check is going to be horrible with four days out of it…
I went home thinking about the whole check thing, my kids not there, my da sick, Jeremy’s visa status still in the air and just melted down in great shaking sobs. I haven’t sobbed like that in years but I just couldn’t help it, my head hurt that badly and it was all I could do to get home.
I went back home that day, treated my self for the asthma that has been choking me all week, and took a PM sinus pill to sleep, I ended up taking 3 back to back and sleeping nearly a whole day before the migraine finally let loose its grip on my poor brain. I could not bear the lights or sounds, and I really didn’t feel like even getting up to go for the bathroom, but you gotta go when you gotta go.
When the kids did come home on Christmas Day, they arrived at 5:00am and were exhausted and did not even have the energy to see their presents. Because I was feeling so crappy, I just went back to sleep too. My oldest didn’t come over until around 1pm so we were very late getting to my mothers, and to top it all off, I told them to put the gifts in the car, which they did, but the ones they already had and not the ones to give. So Christmas went without my family having my meager gift offerings. Another upset for me.
The kids went back with their father on Christmas night, and I had to go to work the next day. But my da was having his second chemo treatment and since he wasn’t handling them as well as he should be, I felt I needed to go up and stay with them. He is starting to lose his hair and his tummy. He had lost 30lbs when this was first diagnosed and at least he is starting to put on some weight again.
I went back up and offered the gifts. My mother opened one that had two ornaments in it, and little drew drew (2yrs) took one as quickly as she unwrapped it and dashed it to bits on the tile floor (Not that my kids haven’t done similar things mind you). She didn’t even get it into her hand long enough to see it… sigh
So the past two days I have been alone, and my nerves are paying for it.
To top it all off, my bank lost a check I deposited and still insists they don’t have it… how strange. Even though I deposited it in their ATM in their lobby, and the receipt which itemizes each check was there, the main check wasn’t. (according to them anyway… bizarre!) Just to say 6 overdrafts left me nearly wiped clean for paying anything, food, presents, bills etc. Did little to lift my holiday cheer.
I have been very low in iron counts lately and do not have energy to clean or cook or anything. The day before Christmas weekend started, I had such a migraine headache I could see to drive much less work, so I ended up driving to work and telling my supervisor I was leaving. I couldn’t really afford to do so, but I couldn’t work like that.
This check is going to be horrible with four days out of it…
I went home thinking about the whole check thing, my kids not there, my da sick, Jeremy’s visa status still in the air and just melted down in great shaking sobs. I haven’t sobbed like that in years but I just couldn’t help it, my head hurt that badly and it was all I could do to get home.
I went back home that day, treated my self for the asthma that has been choking me all week, and took a PM sinus pill to sleep, I ended up taking 3 back to back and sleeping nearly a whole day before the migraine finally let loose its grip on my poor brain. I could not bear the lights or sounds, and I really didn’t feel like even getting up to go for the bathroom, but you gotta go when you gotta go.
When the kids did come home on Christmas Day, they arrived at 5:00am and were exhausted and did not even have the energy to see their presents. Because I was feeling so crappy, I just went back to sleep too. My oldest didn’t come over until around 1pm so we were very late getting to my mothers, and to top it all off, I told them to put the gifts in the car, which they did, but the ones they already had and not the ones to give. So Christmas went without my family having my meager gift offerings. Another upset for me.
The kids went back with their father on Christmas night, and I had to go to work the next day. But my da was having his second chemo treatment and since he wasn’t handling them as well as he should be, I felt I needed to go up and stay with them. He is starting to lose his hair and his tummy. He had lost 30lbs when this was first diagnosed and at least he is starting to put on some weight again.
I went back up and offered the gifts. My mother opened one that had two ornaments in it, and little drew drew (2yrs) took one as quickly as she unwrapped it and dashed it to bits on the tile floor (Not that my kids haven’t done similar things mind you). She didn’t even get it into her hand long enough to see it… sigh
So the past two days I have been alone, and my nerves are paying for it.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Conflicted but happy and Numb
Life of late has been a rollercoaster of emotions that has my poor aching head spinning around.
The last three weeks I have been dealing with my father's diagnosis of cancer. (See previous post) The diagnosis process with him has been a rollercoaster on its own. At first they decided he had Pancreatic Cancer, one of the most deadly forms of cancer you can get with only a 10% survival rate. Fortunately with the biopsy came good news.(If there can be any good news about having Cancer) and he was rediagnosed with Non-Hogkins Lymphoma which has a better survival rate of 30 to 60 % at least giving him a fighting chance.
Along with all this, I called Immigration to see if Jeremy's application could be expedited as we can't know how my father will do with this. I found out two days ago that the Expedite has been approved and we should be getting Visa information within 1 week to 14 days. So at last Jeremy will be coming home.
But, the wedding plans are being changed now, as with my father's illness we will not have as a big to do as we originally thought. Probably just him and me and the judge to "hitch' us up. All that really doesn't matter though. All I want is for Jeremy to be here with me. We can celebrate later at a more appropriate time.
So I am happy that Jeremy is coming home, but at the same time I feel I am taking advantage of my da's illness just to get what I want and need. In some ways it's not fair for my da to have to go through all this and not get his wishes too..
Sigh
The last three weeks I have been dealing with my father's diagnosis of cancer. (See previous post) The diagnosis process with him has been a rollercoaster on its own. At first they decided he had Pancreatic Cancer, one of the most deadly forms of cancer you can get with only a 10% survival rate. Fortunately with the biopsy came good news.(If there can be any good news about having Cancer) and he was rediagnosed with Non-Hogkins Lymphoma which has a better survival rate of 30 to 60 % at least giving him a fighting chance.
Along with all this, I called Immigration to see if Jeremy's application could be expedited as we can't know how my father will do with this. I found out two days ago that the Expedite has been approved and we should be getting Visa information within 1 week to 14 days. So at last Jeremy will be coming home.
But, the wedding plans are being changed now, as with my father's illness we will not have as a big to do as we originally thought. Probably just him and me and the judge to "hitch' us up. All that really doesn't matter though. All I want is for Jeremy to be here with me. We can celebrate later at a more appropriate time.
So I am happy that Jeremy is coming home, but at the same time I feel I am taking advantage of my da's illness just to get what I want and need. In some ways it's not fair for my da to have to go through all this and not get his wishes too..
Sigh
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Life in the numb zone
Things have been rather difficult lately with all that has been going on in my life. Let me take you up to speed. First thing, I have been on upped meds for a month now, 2 40mg Citalopram, 3 Buropion 100mg, 1 400 mg Vitamin D,1 Bactrim Ds -16,1 B-12 sublingual 2500mcg, 1 Selenium 200mcg, 2 multiret folic 500, 1 hydrochlorot hcl, at night I am now taking instead of the quarter of amitryptylene… 1 ½ tab of trazadone which has been wonderful in helping me sleep without the hung over feeling I get from the amitryptylene.
Now for the stressful i.e.: potentially major depressing part. My father is 70. First two months ago my da had his second nose flap surgery due to some pre-cancerous cells on his nose. I teased him about just wanting a face lift About a month later my father went to have a cardio stress test and got out of breath so they stopped it. . So they ran some tests and found he was anemic so they prescribed iron pill, very strong ones to get his blood count back up. Two weeks later he was deer hunting with my brother in South Georgia and had a huge stomach ache. Evidently he had been eating for a few days and not getting rid of anything. But my da, stoic and stubborn (we’re Irish, it’s genetic) thought he could deal with it, but finally succumbed to pain. Fortunately my brother was there and saw how bloated he was and rushed him to the ER. Unfortunately for my Da he had an impacted bowel, presumably from the iron pills. 3 Enemas, milk of magnesium and an adult diaper later they sent him home. Needless to say it was a messy experience.
The Dr’s said for him to take fiber capsules and a mild laxative. They also wanted to run more tests to see exactly why he was anemic. When they examined the x-ray from the impacted bowel, the Dr back home noticed a shadow around my dad’s stomach area. He also noted signs of kidney and gallstone. Da has always had kidney stone problems and he is diabetic. He ordered a pet scan. It showed a mass around the area of my dads stomach but wasn’t very clear. So the Dr ordered a CT scan, with dye. Da was allergic to the iodine in the dye and so they had to put him on some steroids and have him in the hospital so they could treat him in case of anaphylaxis. Two days later they did the CT scan and while they were waiting for the results they did and endoscopy of the stomach and upper GI. He said the endoscopy looked good, no ulcer or evidence of a mass in the stomach or upper GI. But… then the CT scan came back…It showed a mass on dad’s stomach, and nodules on his pancreas, the spleen and the lungs. They suspected then it might be Pancreatic Cancer, one of the worst types of cancer that you could get with only a 10% survival rate.
Da has always had trouble with cysts. And because my da was running a fever, having night sweats and chills, there was a possibility of Lymphoma. So the Dr ordered a biopsy, but when he was sent up to get it done there was some major trauma patients that took precedence so he had to wait. But the next day he was taken in the afternoon, and though they had some trouble getting a biopsy from the mass due to the blood supply there, they got the piece they needed. They released my da Friday afternoon and told him that the biopsy would be ready today Wednesday 11/21/2007 we were awaiting the results.
Update: The Dr has determined that Da has Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma Stage two type B, and it possibly can be cured!!!!!! They will have to biopsy the nodules but everything is a little lighter feel now. My Da just cried when he told him that because now he has a chance to fight
Now for the stressful i.e.: potentially major depressing part. My father is 70. First two months ago my da had his second nose flap surgery due to some pre-cancerous cells on his nose. I teased him about just wanting a face lift About a month later my father went to have a cardio stress test and got out of breath so they stopped it. . So they ran some tests and found he was anemic so they prescribed iron pill, very strong ones to get his blood count back up. Two weeks later he was deer hunting with my brother in South Georgia and had a huge stomach ache. Evidently he had been eating for a few days and not getting rid of anything. But my da, stoic and stubborn (we’re Irish, it’s genetic) thought he could deal with it, but finally succumbed to pain. Fortunately my brother was there and saw how bloated he was and rushed him to the ER. Unfortunately for my Da he had an impacted bowel, presumably from the iron pills. 3 Enemas, milk of magnesium and an adult diaper later they sent him home. Needless to say it was a messy experience.
The Dr’s said for him to take fiber capsules and a mild laxative. They also wanted to run more tests to see exactly why he was anemic. When they examined the x-ray from the impacted bowel, the Dr back home noticed a shadow around my dad’s stomach area. He also noted signs of kidney and gallstone. Da has always had kidney stone problems and he is diabetic. He ordered a pet scan. It showed a mass around the area of my dads stomach but wasn’t very clear. So the Dr ordered a CT scan, with dye. Da was allergic to the iodine in the dye and so they had to put him on some steroids and have him in the hospital so they could treat him in case of anaphylaxis. Two days later they did the CT scan and while they were waiting for the results they did and endoscopy of the stomach and upper GI. He said the endoscopy looked good, no ulcer or evidence of a mass in the stomach or upper GI. But… then the CT scan came back…It showed a mass on dad’s stomach, and nodules on his pancreas, the spleen and the lungs. They suspected then it might be Pancreatic Cancer, one of the worst types of cancer that you could get with only a 10% survival rate.
Da has always had trouble with cysts. And because my da was running a fever, having night sweats and chills, there was a possibility of Lymphoma. So the Dr ordered a biopsy, but when he was sent up to get it done there was some major trauma patients that took precedence so he had to wait. But the next day he was taken in the afternoon, and though they had some trouble getting a biopsy from the mass due to the blood supply there, they got the piece they needed. They released my da Friday afternoon and told him that the biopsy would be ready today Wednesday 11/21/2007 we were awaiting the results.
Update: The Dr has determined that Da has Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma Stage two type B, and it possibly can be cured!!!!!! They will have to biopsy the nodules but everything is a little lighter feel now. My Da just cried when he told him that because now he has a chance to fight
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Caged and Numbed
I have surrounded myself in a coverlet and knee deep in a messy house. I have no desire to leave. I don't feel as depressed as I have done but in the same sense, I have no drive to improve things or make them better. I have foggy ideals of details I would like to have around my house. But the actual innitiative is more than I can muster. My health isn't what I need it to be, the energy not there,my time limited to deal with my children and sleep and function on a semi-basic level. Its all I can do to convince myself to eat properly, when all I want to do is close my eyes and sleep. It feels like sleep should be the solution to my problems, when it really isn't. And I yawn all day. I take naps, I rest, I'm taking vitamins, and yet energy is just not there. I don't know what the solution is but I'm doing all I can with the Dr's to try and find a solution. Unfortunately that means more time off that I don't have to take. And still no news on the position I interviewed for 2 weeks ago.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Only a shadow of myself
Things have been kinda rough lately for me. I have been suffering health wise for about a month. Just as I get over one thing another starts... sigh I have also been suffering from the lack of Jeremy being here. You could say I have been miserable.without him but it wouldn't come close. Still time marches on and wedding plans are still in process. If only Immigration would hurry up.
Money has been very tight And my ex has been screwing with the payments on the mortgage and I may be having to look for a place to live. I do not have the money to pay off what he owes. This is a neverending source of stres for me and one I shouldn't have had to worry about.
Someone has been messing with my Flickr account and I am concerned about being accused of things I haven't/wouldn't do.
Money has been very tight And my ex has been screwing with the payments on the mortgage and I may be having to look for a place to live. I do not have the money to pay off what he owes. This is a neverending source of stres for me and one I shouldn't have had to worry about.
Someone has been messing with my Flickr account and I am concerned about being accused of things I haven't/wouldn't do.
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