Sometimes Goodbye is a Second Chance....

 A Second Chance…. This has been ringing through my brain the past couple of days and I have sat down at least four times to write this post and haven’t found exactly what I wanted to say.  I guess just making myself write will make it come out eventually and of course, spell check and edit are my best friends. <grin> Cut and paste are their first cousins… lol

Dealing with the loss of my ex has been at most strange and sometimes strained.  The affects of his life/death on my children are evidenced in their reactions to even some of the most mundane things and yet in other situations, it seems exaggerated or clowned. My ex was an extreme person.  He could be extremely nice, brilliant, or extremely dangerous in his rages.  I do not want to delve deeper into explanations, just understand that life at home was at best difficult.

Anyway, back to my subject.  I had a dream about my ex.  In my swirly dream state I had encountered my ex who had returned from the dead to a state much like the months before he had gotten sick.  Life had continued just as if he had died, I was still married to J, etc.  But C had somehow come back; still oblivious to his cancerous condition, still in refusal to go visit a Dr.  And although my ex and I had been separated for 2 years, I never wished for him to go through having terminal cancer.  I was trying to convince him that I knew he was sick and he needed to see a Dr.  He shook his head no, and he told me this was my ”second chance” and then he disappeared. His goodbye indeed was my second chance. This puzzled me.

What could that possibly be saying to me?  What is it I need to do better?  I’m already working on my health; I’m already doing more around the house and with my kids.  J and I are perfect.  How do I make this time better? I’ve decided I need to do some more inner thought on this and get back to who am I and who is it I want to become.  What I was before C, what I was after C and what I am now with J seem to be completely different people.  Some things are forever lost, some never reached their ultimate achievement, fizzling out and fading away, others still are so far out of reach. I have so many I wants, and I’d like to do, and so many things on my wish list that financially I just can’t reach, it seems dismal and disappointing.  But at the same time, I look at myself now, and I feel so much more; mentally and physically stronger.  So many things that I just let go when I left C, refusing to believe I could actually do them.  So many times, I told myself I’m too tired, too exhausted (I really was, anemia does that!) and just numbed my mind with TV and video games and my beloved sofa.

Before, I’d just walk downstairs and be out of breath with my heart pounding. Now, when we went to Cumberland Island after my surgery, I walked a 4 mile walk in a day.  I was tired, but not so much that it wasn’t a normal tired. Yay! I can walk across Walmart without feeling so overloaded and tired I have to leave without getting what I went there for.  I am still recovering, still making small gains, making small goals, learning so much.  Life now has so much more to offer me. I am: able to pay my bills without having services cut off; able to get more physical exercise with less sleep during the day; able to eat less and be more healthy; able to spend more time with my children without running them out of the room while I sleep; able to go places and have a vacation; able to get some of the things done I have always wanted to do; able to actually enjoy being with another person (not something that comes easy for me.)

 

So I guess my second chance is really still developing who I am.  At least that’s what I think, but your comments are always welcome!

 

Tonight I have been up and down like a yoyo, my energy has just left me like a stone. I am grumpy even surly at times... almost manic...
maybe just overtired....

So...

Here I am 4 weeks after my surgery... I have to say I am feeling "much better now" although I still have some pain if I sneeze, cough or go over bumpy roads. Never the less, after day one at work I was shocked to find I wasn't as exhausted as I thought I would be. I did take my afternoon nap to reset (My way of coping without having a meltdown) so somethings haven't changed.

I did find on my vacation last week that I was finally able to walk for more than a 1/2 mile and not have Tachycardia and breathing problems! I do still have some mucus problems from the breathing tube from surgery.

I had a couple of scares during my surgery, my nurse was an idiot. She gave me a dextrose bag (I'm diabetic) instead of ringerslactate. Needless to say my sugar shot up and I honestly thought I was going to die. No such luck folks, I'm afraid you and the world are stuck with me (at least for now!) A quick insulin shot and the bag changed to the proper one made quick work of it and I was feeling much better later that evening. Also had a minor reaction to my pain meds as I am allergic to codeine. I got to get straight morphine tabs...

But vacation was heaven, paradise, and Jeremy was wonderful, helping me with everything. He wouldn't let me do much at all. We went to Cumberland Island, Tybee Island and Savannah before making the long drive back in stormy weather.



I am still feeling the loss of Soli though and still feel her around a lot lately!

The Tybee Island Swings have a wonderful memory for me and Jeremy.