Ava gave me her persmission to use this on my blog so the picture is hers all rights reserved.
Masking is something I have to deal with everyday and when I saw this pic by AVA on Flickr I saw that it imbodied what I feel most days.
Somedays I just go through as a blur only collapsing at home to reset my brain and to restart my evening with my family and cats. Other days, it takes all my energy just to get through them. I am not normal, a neuro-typical, an NT. Life as a generality is difficult for me. My coping of everyday noise, stresses. lights, sounds, people and socialities is not that good.
When I am alone is when I can feel most myself, at least for now. When J is here, I have different copes, different skills, help even. comprehension, understanding, all these things sadly lack in my life atm.
Somedays I am alone with my kitties, listening to my own heartbeat above the roar of the purr of my cats or the snores of one othem sleeping. Sometimes, my stomach leaps as if kicked by a ghost fetus and flips as though its turning in my womb though its been years since a baby has occupied that space. Although I realize this is just a fantasy I sometimes wonder will one ever again.
I laze with out the energy to lift myself up, not from depression, but lack of pure physical energy, and the strain it causes on my aging body. The anemia most days gets the best of me, and that in itself depresses me. I no longer wish to leave the comfort zone of my home, not wishing to expend what little energy I have to muster.
Cooking has become a chore to me when I am alone, unispired, unimaginative, undesired. (I can cook really well, just by myself it doesn't seem right) Not want ing to leave the nearness of the only contact i have atm with J.
Six months to a year... sigh
Monday, August 27, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Life lately
First this is second attempt to post this since my keyboard has been acting crazy.
There are many changes going on right now. The center manager who they hired to replace Gloria when se retired has only been there two months and has no clue about how to run a heath center, Bonnie, my boss, got promoted and they haven't replaced her. So work has been chaos. Couple that with the back to school rush fro vaccinations/jabs and you have hell in a basket.
The kitty in the picture nearly died this week with a bacterial infection. It has been touch and go for a coule of days but hopefully we are seeing the end of this. She has been through so much and I just have this need to make her know that I love her and want her to live happy and healthy. We've been through a lot together emotionally. She has bitten me out of fear and pain a couple of times, but now she doesn't even growl and I can pick her up and stroke her and she enjoys it.
My dad had to have cancer surgery on his nose again, At least he's getting a facelift benefit from it,,, I teased him.
And still no word from immigration on when my J will be returning to stay. I miss him more and more everyday.
There are many changes going on right now. The center manager who they hired to replace Gloria when se retired has only been there two months and has no clue about how to run a heath center, Bonnie, my boss, got promoted and they haven't replaced her. So work has been chaos. Couple that with the back to school rush fro vaccinations/jabs and you have hell in a basket.
The kitty in the picture nearly died this week with a bacterial infection. It has been touch and go for a coule of days but hopefully we are seeing the end of this. She has been through so much and I just have this need to make her know that I love her and want her to live happy and healthy. We've been through a lot together emotionally. She has bitten me out of fear and pain a couple of times, but now she doesn't even growl and I can pick her up and stroke her and she enjoys it.
My dad had to have cancer surgery on his nose again, At least he's getting a facelift benefit from it,,, I teased him.
And still no word from immigration on when my J will be returning to stay. I miss him more and more everyday.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Rightly numb...
Waiting is not one of my strong points....And try as I might time just seems to drag. I have taken some huge steps in my personal life these past couple of months such as starting Group Therapy for enpowerment, seeing a mental health specialist to be evaluated properly, started new and combined meds and raised dosage of olds meds, and filed my K-1 application for the fiance visa to bring J back to me.
My boss who has held me back at work is leaving next week, in the busiest part of the year... It will be hell around here until someone figures out how to make things coordinated around here. Since the center manager has only been here 2 months and isn't here more days than not, it is not likely that will happen anytime soon. And so far they have not posted or recruited anyone publicly for the position. But, they tend to be so sneaky around here, then they wonder why we can't trust what they say, almost like they have crossed fingers behind their backs! Paranoia?????
My boss who has held me back at work is leaving next week, in the busiest part of the year... It will be hell around here until someone figures out how to make things coordinated around here. Since the center manager has only been here 2 months and isn't here more days than not, it is not likely that will happen anytime soon. And so far they have not posted or recruited anyone publicly for the position. But, they tend to be so sneaky around here, then they wonder why we can't trust what they say, almost like they have crossed fingers behind their backs! Paranoia?????
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