Sometimes things make you uncomfortably numb….others pull you into warmly numb

sensitive plant,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Particularly when you least expect it. At times, you want and need company of friends, and you think it might be comforting to them as well only to find they prefer others to speak their mind or other outlets rather than listening to you. And who can really blame them? When you are depressed yourself, it is difficult to give comfort and or receive it. No one already depressed needs to hear how down you are. If it’s difficult to animate yourself, how can you possibly animate someone else to go on and be content with their life? You can’t and to do so would be lying on your own part.

Lately my kitties have been my only company. Mushu and Soli do their part, and yet the third, Kimiko a sullen abused Persian loathes me through every fiber of her being. But, I will win her somehow. My children have spent the last week and a half with their father. Not having J here, I am alone. I sleep brokenly and much more than I should. I am tired all the time, but complete 8 hours sleep escapes me and I sleep for 2-3 hours and wake.

My life it seems has enough energy for two or three days out of a month to do extra things. Then, there is little animation or motivation to continue. I’ve not had much energy to do many things I need and or want to do. I’ve been dreaming of having a fairy garden for years. I know it sounds kind of silly for an older woman to be dreaming of fairy fantasies. But I remember once as a child going to a garden that had all kinds of fantasy child like animals and figurines and small toys and I was captivated. As an autistic child these things remained in my head like a fantasy and to this day I can’t take them out. So, with the help of Freecycle, I have gotten some concrete border stones and a birdbath, some herb seeds, and some herb plants. I haven’t gotten any magic stones, fairies gnomes or any other magical creatures, but I imagine that I will pick these up gradually in different places, one by one. Hopefully they will all have their own stories to tell behind their selection and it’s something I think my children will enjoy helping me do and won’t destroy because they will want it to stay as magical as it is intended. I can expand on this with time perhaps with a water feature, or a pond or both! (lol) a gazing ball, a park bench, larger stones, moss, ferns etc. I want to make the garden seem very woodsey, very quaint, and with an element of surprise, the hidden elf peeking under a giant leaf, a mushroom that seems real but won’t die in the winter, a butterfly, crystals, geodes, things you find in hidden caches without destroying the (un)natural beauty of the garden, a stump that holds something in its hollow end, a fairy ring, perhaps with fairy size twig furniture ( Maybe something the kids can do!)

its just emotion that I don't know how to deal with...

alone again,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Aloneness has been filling my evenings lately.

There is nothing worse than coming home and no one greeting you. Fish say nothing and the cats are so independent that they choose whe to great and retreat.
I am trying so hard to keep myself together physically and mentally, but some days I just feel like coasting along with out so much effort.
Some days I need that extra effort just to get going to work. I sometimes wish i didn't have to go out at all and if I could survive without working I would. But in order to have the changes in my life I want, i must work. I have to pay the bills, I have to eat, and have to feed and clothe my family and pets.
Sometimes I just need the energy just to breathe. Working becomes a chore a lot of the time.I used to enjoy it. Now I dread it.I just want to be at home with my computer (that I have to pay the bill for) my kids, cats and fish and food. If somehow I could live and be able to bring Jeremy here without me having to work would be so great. I just don't have any answers

Double Occupancy Required

SUNP0034,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Since Jeremy has been gone, I can not stay here. I can not bear the cold sheets against my skin nor the vast expanse of the bed mattress, I am so alone.
And although I have many happy days to come and many happy memories to think about, the every day passage of time is slow and painful.
Some days are easier than other. Today, for some reason has been teary and harder than most.
I never can predict the rise and falls of depression and it often catches me by surprise. I have much to be happy for. But I am so alone...

Hope Springs?

mother and son,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Hope...
I found that I am feeling hope. Something I haven't felt in a while and I am finding it a driving force in my obsessions with my perseverations of photography, my cats, my children, and the love of my life.
Depression has been a funny thing. I suffer waves of it and it rears its ugly head at least once a day. But I am feeling inside a burning hope that I've not felt before. Perhaps its the resignation that Jeremy is waiting in England, and the final knowing that when he returns it will be to stay. Perhaps its the taking on of the two new cats and learning how to deal with them and take care of something that has been just as abused as myself. Or maybe its just an inevitable thing that comes from taking depression medication. I would like though to think its something that is starting to grow with in me.

Finding that I can survive albiet limited in my house with just the two children with me all the time, is a blessed relief. Having all three this past week has been testing on my nerves and my health.
I love my children, but the oldest who had been living with her dad has been testing my patience. That's normal for a teen, I know.
Things were so much easier when she was 8.

The new cats have been a learning experience. Soli the ragdoll is an attention lovebug, and gives kisses all around. Kimiko, however was in worse shape and it will take awhile to earn her trust (If she makes it) She was so emaciated, the groomer could not clip her matted fur for fear she'd die from the stress. She is skin and bones, and has no body fat at all. You can count every bone in her body.
I nearly cried.
But little by little there are breakthrough's and set backs with her. I am currently trying to get her to eat more, so I practically spoonfed her yesterday. We also gave her treats which she wolfed down until she could eat no more. She also like running water and has been suffering from runny eyes (A lot of extreme flat faced persians do) and I have been working on washing off and degunking her eyes as much as possible. she actually tried to play with a string yesterday and for the first time in a week, she licked and tried to clean her paws.(she'd been sleeping and hiding mostly)
So that in itself has given me some hope. And maybe the possibility exisits that things might work themselves out for me too.

Pain of Transitions

I adopted a couple of cats from a rescue shelter last weekend. One is appreciative the other hateful and grouchy. One sweet and loving and the other such a pill, it makes it hard to be around. The grouchy one, Kimiko was abused, and she has bitten and scratched me without remorse in her mistaken defense of me, (who least she needs to defend herself.) Poor underfed, declawed matted Kimiko, who hates the world but nonethe less I am determined to win her trust somehow. Meanwhile I feed her and pet her when she allows and wear gloves and long sleeves when she doesn't.

Abuse makes people act in funny ways too. It can make them avoident, or clingy, needy, selfish,unstable,or smothering. I used to be needy and smothering, clingy and very unselfish. Till J came along and taught me that I didn't have to be afraid anymore. I was so afraid of abandonment before, I would hold so tightly (figuratively) that my partner would be smothered, without room to be his self.

I am now finding I can find myself and not be afraid that I will say or do the wrong thing, that my loves best intentions will be dashed out the door, or that I will wake to silence another day. There is health and security in trust and I thank God that I have found it