Numbness Allowed

2012-01-26T17:59:00.000-05:00

I realize I haven't posted in a long time.. so much has happened, the surgery the weight loss, health issues, J's immigration stuff, my daughter finding out she's deaf, the death of a couple of my cats. Life has been full out running to the max. And I am so tired... I can't seem to get this across to anyone. But, I am tired. Tired of waking everyday and forcing myself to go to work, forcing myself to work and coming home and just not feeling like its all worth it somehow.

Long time no see

2011-07-28T15:48:00.001-05:00

J and I just had our 3rd wedding anniversary.(5 years together). Happy happy happy. Something I haven't had in a long long time.

I even took out my clay again and started sculpting. Horrendously, but its a start. It makes me happy, my creativity is coming back. Now if I can just maintain health and stay away from the arthritis pain in my back I will be good!

What 's Mine is mine, What's yours is yours...

2010-12-28T11:09:00.001-05:00

I have a coworker who has personal space issues. Consistently I can be working on something and she will take it from my hands asking is it hers? She also allows her messiness from her desk to spill over onto mine. if we are busy, working on patients, her work from other patients ends up on my desk. (Thus the snatching) But I have put her stuff over and over back on her desk and pointed out that she needs to keep her stuff to her desk and let mine be. Another day I had left some change and 2 dollars in a drawer in my desk that I left unlocked by accident. The next day I came in and she starts telling me I should lock my desk since I had money there. So I asked why she was even in my desk to begin with. She stated she was looking for tape. So I said ok, so go ask your lead for the keys to the supply cabinet and get some for your self, and anything else you might need. Don’t go rummaging through my desk, I don’t like it. I can’t seem to get it through to her that the end of her desk is the end of her area. I am at a loss, I like the woman but at the same time there is constant loud chattering while we work and she is constantly drawing my attention away from work I am doing to work she says she needs help with or doesn’t know how to do (although she has been working at the job for at least 15 years). I am getting frustrated and am afraid I will get angry with this person but have no clue about how to maintain a professional working relationship with her when she can’t be professional.

My choice to be numb or not...

2010-05-25T14:18:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I find myself struggling with the desire to want to post here, the logical thoughts floating in my head, the others just dredging the bottom. But often when I go to write, all I can hear in my voice in my head is blah blah blah blah….and more blah. Sigh (blogger’s block?)

I am not made of a set of rules though I am very rule bound.(I find myself resenting many times rules put in place to placate other people) I adapt as best I can to the environment I find myself in. I have trouble dealing with changes but I do the best I can to accommodate my abilities to the situation I find myself in. I choose to not be mean and cruel. I choose to try and treat people the best way I possibly can, in the hopes that someday, I might be treated the same. All this sounds so determined, and yet I find myself struggling everyday to try and keep a smile on my face. J is one of those things that keep me smiling even though life is rough sometimes. J is my shelter from the storm outside. The tough exterior I don’t have naturally. It’s strange depending on someone again, but it feels natural and right.

I met someone today I hadn’t seen in many years. Her daughter grew up with mine and she stated her husband had died (the year before my ex!) He was a very happy business man, very healthy. A chiropractor, and yet a heart attack took him away from his wife and 2 daughters. She told me his death was devastating to her and she made it through only with the help of medication. Funny how these things contrast to my own situation where the death of my ex was freedom from abuse and the stifling control that crippled me as a human. Because of that freedom I was able to seek help in health and let go many medications that numbed my heart and clouded my thoughts. She has remarried but is not the same happy person I remember. She told me I looked great,(funny how the difference again shows up) and that I seemed happier. She couldn’t believe it. I told her I too had remarried, and she said it must be doing you a lot of good then. I couldn’t agree more.

D^&*nd if you do, Numb if you don't

2010-01-28T11:14:00.000-05:00

Some days it feels like D#@# if you do, D%^& if you don’t. I am still having pain issues with my SI joint but at least I can walk now most days without too much pain. (But, sometimes!!!!) I have much hope that it will eventually diminish so I can live a semi normal life, that is, if I ever had one to begin with. Pain and stress do not make good bedfellows. I am told losing weight might help…

I started using a Cpap machine last week for my sleep apnea. Hurrah for Darth Vader. I have in my sleep taken it off without knowing it because at times with my stuffy nose I feel like choking. I am told if I lose weight, it might help…I am also told surgery might help but I can not take the month off to get it I will need yet, it takes so long to build up time, and I have to have some time off here and there for misc. reasons. Grrr

My blood sugars from my diabetes have been pretty good, and my energy levels are better than they were. I am no longer anemic. My diabetes too might go away, if I lose weight… My chiro has tried a cold laser treatment for diabetes on me and so we will see what the results are in a month or so when I go back for the A-1C.

I want I need… I want to lose weight, I need to lose weight. To lose weight I need to exercise more. To exercise more, I need to have some control over the pain levels I am dealing with now (not!) I am eating less, pushing away, not eating chocolates 3 times a week, not snacking as much (I do have to have some sort of snack to keep my blood levels but not eating as much). Not eating a carton of sour cream for my calcium source (And have been told this is better since dairy can hurt arthritis?!) I am not asking for ice cream. (Though it is still winter and the heat hasn’t shown up yet!) Sweets really aren’t my downfall. I limit pasta, I limit potatoes though they and I have a love hate relationship : I love to eat them, they love my thighs, I hate my thighs, therefore I should hate potatoes But I can’t/ don’t/ won’t… its genetic LOL

I am told I might be able to get bariatric surgery but I have to over qualify to get surgery approved. Lovely BCBS is well known for not approving this surgery that literally could save my life. I have been told this is the lazy person’s way to lose weight by someone very close to me. I am in such pain at times, it just frustrates me to tears.

My daughter has been struggling with hearing issues. It has come down to if the doctor would bill my insurance policy (which takes a large chunk out of my 2x a month check) to pay for aides for her to hear, and let me pay the difference out of pocket , she can get the aides she needs. For some reason the private ENT’s around here will not bill the insurance. Now, if I had 4000 to give them upfront, why couldn’t I just go and buy them?! And if I can’t use my expensive insurance which I must carry as a full time employee, what good is it?! Needless to say the past few weeks have been stressful and mind-numbing. We are looking into a children’s medical help service, and should know next week.

Money issues prevent so much. I want to make more money but I can’t change jobs. If I change jobs I could be moved anywhere in the County, longer traffic times, longer stress, bigger phone bills, more care wear and tear on our only vehicle… If Jeremy starts work, the same can happen; no one at home when the kids get home, one car until we can get another, and double stress. What to do?

Mind numbing machines

2010-01-20T13:22:00.001-05:00

As every month I seem to be adding to my list of ailments, I must first brag on something, I had been essentially crippled by leg and back pain and neck pain and migraines for going on 2 years now. Last week that's all started to change. Now I am a skeptic when it comes to Chiropratic treatment, but I do have to say that the Chiropractor I am seeing for treatment has done more for me than anyone! My G.P. would only prescipe muscle relaxers and pain killers, half of which I am allergic to. Believe it or not,I can now walk without a limp! I am almost pain free! Shameless plug of Dr Meineger: (Miracle Worker!!!) http://www.blogcatalog.com/blog/dr-meiningers-back-neck-pain-blog/9ad21aea4185c8c1c942d9a5cc8aa6d6

What can I say, pain cripples more than your body. It stops you from actually living. It sucks the joy from your life. It keeps you from fully enjoying your family, taking walks, having energy to enjoy life. It robs you of comforting sleep. It makes you nervous and irritable.

Being pain free in less than a week with only mild muscle soreness, has taken me by pleasant surprise. Total praise for the Dr.

Stressors, Holidays, Sickness, Relatives and Numbness

2009-12-04T09:57:00.002-05:00

Sigh, it has been a while that I have posted. Several things have happened mostly good, some scary,. I have been extremely busy at work with the H1n1 vaccination program. There are many nights we have had to stay late to accomodate all the people since everyone is getting scared that they will get this. Alot of people have already had this awful mess and don't even know it. Others get it and they are on respirators. The degree that this disease hits people is so varied that many doctors can't/don't/won't say its the swine flu. The other downside is that the testing for the virus is so expensive, they'd rather treat than find out definately if it is or isn't. Although Jeremy and I and the kids may have already contracted it at the beginning of the school year, I got them all vaccinated with the live virus nasal spray and when the injectable came out I also got it. Having Diabetes and Asthma I was not eligible to take the live virus nasal spray, so they (my family) got it easy. Somehow the thought of having to be in an ICU unit on a respirator didn't appeal to me. So many people are scared to take the vaccine. Scared they will get something else from it.

I get really worn down with people not wanting to take this vaccination or that vaccination because they feel it may cause autism. Even though all tests have proved otherwise and the People who did the MMR scandal in England have since recanted their findings. As an Autie, I was born way before thimeresol even existed. It runs in my family, it seems to run in Jeremy's as well. Vaccines do not cause my autism or anyone elses in my family.

Cancer is another thing that runs in my family. My father is battling his third year with NonHodgkins Lymphoma, my maternal uncle Sonny died with melanoma. My grandfather died of heart dsease and colon cancer. My children's father C died of lung cancer adenocarcinoma, and he never smoked or anything like that, he was just a brickmason and builder. So I am preocuppied with getting cancer screenings and watching out for my own health. I am also watching my own children carefully and trying my best to make sure they don't get sick from anything.

Health issues remain a concern for me and I recently had to have a CAT scan and an ultrasound. First they thought I had pain from a kidney stone, so they did a CAT scan, did not see any stones there, but they did find I have arthritis in my spine.... and a cyct on my liver which after having the ultasound is thought to be benign. I have to go back in May for another ultrasound just to check it. All the pain in my hips and back have been coming from the arthritis. Even the bursitis I have was caused by the arthritis. So now I have arthritis in the spine... great. Now what?

Holidays are around the corner. We just got through a family meal for Thanksgiving. Then my children spent a four day weekend with the family of their father and Jeremy and I had our own Thanksgiving meal to ourselves.

Saturday after Thanksgiving, Jeremy and I went to the tree farm in our area and got a lovely frasier fir which is now set up in our kitchen window. The children had to help me decorate it as I have not been well with a sinus infection and just haven't had much getup and go lately.
But that magical day for children is almost here and we are trying the best we can to prepare for it.

I wish there was ssome magic pill to take away the pain of the fibro and the arthritis and just geive me the energy to live a normal life. Instead, I am numb mentally, tired and in pain. What more can someone ask for?

Sometimes Goodbye is a Second Chance....

2009-08-20T16:09:00.001-05:00

A Second Chance…. This has been ringing through my brain the past couple of days and I have sat down at least four times to write this post and haven’t found exactly what I wanted to say. I guess just making myself write will make it come out eventually and of course, spell check and edit are my best friends. <grin> Cut and paste are their first cousins… lol

Dealing with the loss of my ex has been at most strange and sometimes strained. The affects of his life/death on my children are evidenced in their reactions to even some of the most mundane things and yet in other situations, it seems exaggerated or clowned. My ex was an extreme person. He could be extremely nice, brilliant, or extremely dangerous in his rages. I do not want to delve deeper into explanations, just understand that life at home was at best difficult.

Anyway, back to my subject. I had a dream about my ex. In my swirly dream state I had encountered my ex who had returned from the dead to a state much like the months before he had gotten sick. Life had continued just as if he had died, I was still married to J, etc. But C had somehow come back; still oblivious to his cancerous condition, still in refusal to go visit a Dr. And although my ex and I had been separated for 2 years, I never wished for him to go through having terminal cancer. I was trying to convince him that I knew he was sick and he needed to see a Dr. He shook his head no, and he told me this was my ”second chance” and then he disappeared. His goodbye indeed was my second chance. This puzzled me.

What could that possibly be saying to me? What is it I need to do better? I’m already working on my health; I’m already doing more around the house and with my kids. J and I are perfect. How do I make this time better? I’ve decided I need to do some more inner thought on this and get back to who am I and who is it I want to become. What I was before C, what I was after C and what I am now with J seem to be completely different people. Some things are forever lost, some never reached their ultimate achievement, fizzling out and fading away, others still are so far out of reach. I have so many I wants, and I’d like to do, and so many things on my wish list that financially I just can’t reach, it seems dismal and disappointing. But at the same time, I look at myself now, and I feel so much more; mentally and physically stronger. So many things that I just let go when I left C, refusing to believe I could actually do them. So many times, I told myself I’m too tired, too exhausted (I really was, anemia does that!) and just numbed my mind with TV and video games and my beloved sofa.

Before, I’d just walk downstairs and be out of breath with my heart pounding. Now, when we went to Cumberland Island after my surgery, I walked a 4 mile walk in a day. I was tired, but not so much that it wasn’t a normal tired. Yay! I can walk across Walmart without feeling so overloaded and tired I have to leave without getting what I went there for. I am still recovering, still making small gains, making small goals, learning so much. Life now has so much more to offer me. I am: able to pay my bills without having services cut off; able to get more physical exercise with less sleep during the day; able to eat less and be more healthy; able to spend more time with my children without running them out of the room while I sleep; able to go places and have a vacation; able to get some of the things done I have always wanted to do; able to actually enjoy being with another person (not something that comes easy for me.)

So I guess my second chance is really still developing who I am. At least that’s what I think, but your comments are always welcome!

2009-08-09T23:24:00.001-05:00

Tonight I have been up and down like a yoyo, my energy has just left me like a stone. I am grumpy even surly at times... almost manic...
maybe just overtired....

So...

2009-08-03T19:20:00.003-05:00

Here I am 4 weeks after my surgery... I have to say I am feeling "much better now" although I still have some pain if I sneeze, cough or go over bumpy roads. Never the less, after day one at work I was shocked to find I wasn't as exhausted as I thought I would be. I did take my afternoon nap to reset (My way of coping without having a meltdown) so somethings haven't changed.

I did find on my vacation last week that I was finally able to walk for more than a 1/2 mile and not have Tachycardia and breathing problems! I do still have some mucus problems from the breathing tube from surgery.

I had a couple of scares during my surgery, my nurse was an idiot. She gave me a dextrose bag (I'm diabetic) instead of ringerslactate. Needless to say my sugar shot up and I honestly thought I was going to die. No such luck folks, I'm afraid you and the world are stuck with me (at least for now!) A quick insulin shot and the bag changed to the proper one made quick work of it and I was feeling much better later that evening. Also had a minor reaction to my pain meds as I am allergic to codeine. I got to get straight morphine tabs...

But vacation was heaven, paradise, and Jeremy was wonderful, helping me with everything. He wouldn't let me do much at all. We went to Cumberland Island, Tybee Island and Savannah before making the long drive back in stormy weather.

I am still feeling the loss of Soli though and still feel her around a lot lately!

The Tybee Island Swings have a wonderful memory for me and Jeremy.

My sweet Soli...

2009-06-15T08:24:00.000-05:00

Passed away on Sunday. She died in Jeremy’s arms. She had two cancerous tumors that finally got the best of her. It was very fast and we just weren’t ready for her to go.

Soli of all my cats was the one most like a dog. She would come when called. She would chase a ball. Of the four rescues we own, she was the most kitten like, though we never really knew her age. She had soft dense fur, as soft as a rabbit, and we often teased her that her mother was a rabbit. She was very ego maniacal, always the center of any attention given, always first in line, though often it was for things she didn’t like. She was always the first for beautiful photos. She always had to be next to one of us when sitting down.

Her beautiful blue eyes still haunt my restless sleep.

numb and sleepy

2009-05-20T10:18:00.000-05:00

So now on my growing list of health ailments I am going to have a consult with a ENT for sleep apnea and surgery for my horrible monthly ailments. Evidently the previous surgery didn’t work as planned (I would have to be that 10% wouldn’t I?) and scar tissue has made the bleeding condition worse by trapping part of it inside. Lovely…

If the anemia wasn’t bad enough to make me tired certainly lack of oxygen in general along with sleep problems have generally made me a zombie. Numb? You bettcha. No oxygen in the blood, no oxygen going into the blood, physical fatigue from poor sleep… just one big circle….

Hopefully the surgery will alleviate further problems. Have to say I am scared though, and really can’t quite put my finger on why.

I had a horrible horrible dream....

2009-05-08T14:11:00.004-05:00

The other night morning I a dream I could not bear. What I mean was that this night for me was absolutely horrible. Every so often despite taking vitamins, I was awakened with an excruciating leg cramp which despite pinching the nerve at my nasal fold at the top of the lip it would not let go, and when it finally did, it left my leg sore and wrecked. I fell into a fitfull sleep and then it came... the horrible nightmare.

My ex died nearly 1 year from next month. I dreamed that I was in a situation in my kitchen with my ex, at the time he had me cornered in the kitchen with a butcher knife in his hand. After so long of being kept awake and after so much bullying, I felt my spirit resign and I begged him to either stop it once and for all or kill me because I could not continue to live like that. (This really happened in real life, and was the end of our relationship) But the difference this time in the dream was that C went to stab me and my youngest child got in the way trying to defend me, and he stabbed him through the heart killing my son instantly. I remember the rest of the dream as if I were in a fog just making myself go through the steps, arraigning his funeral and picking out what I would wear and what he would wear. All I could think was that my baby was gone, I felt like I was crazy....

J says I woke up screaming, its been about 4 days and it still invades my thoughts. I had to call my son who was visiting his sister just to reassure myself.

Sometimes things aren't always as they seem

2009-05-04T10:28:00.002-05:00

People try and win your trust. It’s a human nature thing that often ends up stabbing you in the back. What’s not normal human behavior is the turning of the person in order to be able to stab you in the back. Let me explain a little better. I believe it is in the nature of people to help themselves, then help others (if at all).

Standing on someone's back, someone who is not as capable as yourself, or someone you see as lesser because of education, to raise your own status just seems wrong. I mean who really gets up in the morning and says to themselves, today I am going to screw this person over? Today I am going to take a resolved issue and reopen a wound. Today, I can make someone else's life a little more miserable. Today I am the glorious king of the world and you: you are a beneath me peon.

What kind of person do you see in this type person? Is it just something that as an autie I can't discern? Am I too trusting? Should I be more standoffish and not open? The conflict confuses me.

I want to be able to trust but at the same time I no longer want to trust people. Trusting just gets you hurt in the end. Trusting ends up with you on the chopping block waiting for the cleaver to fall. Trusting ends up with the knife in your back with no idea where it came from.

At the same time, trusting can get you happiness with the person you love most in the world, trusting can keep you in a job you love. Trusting can create a nice world to live in. Unfortunately, not everyone believes it.

Returning to the Same Old Numb

2009-04-28T09:21:00.007-05:00

Wah, having to return from a restful paradise! But oh so needed as I was having some physical issue I believe were related to stress. Weekend before last Jeremy and I sans children went to Amicalola Falls and I was unable to keep up. Seems like my legs just did not have the strength to go further than the ½ mile climb up the trail. Very discouraging for me. I was told by the nurses at work it could have been from Diabetes, Fibromyalgia, Anemia, Varicose Veins etc. Since I have all those conditions, it was no surprise.

But honestly the weakness in my legs scared me…. I had never felt them just suddenly feel like there was no more left in them.

Since we went on this 4 day 3 night trip, I feel ever so much more rested. But the return to work was an absolute beast. Torture could not have been more appealing…

Studying in the real world: AKA Perpetually Numb ( old or just clueless).

2009-04-09T12:46:00.002-05:00

Being an autistic, being closeted, or out in the open has its stigmas. You either explain your oddness or you lie low and hope that you aren’t singled out for being too weird. But secretly, you wish to be anonymous, no one taking notice of you; such as no one disturbing your work, or staring at how you walk or try to engage you in social banalities that you feel totally helpless in. I myself often don’t know how to appropriately react in social situations. I hate changes. New things just make me dig my heels in not to like them. If there ever was an ugly duckling, that would be me. Despite my getting along well (My own way of keeping peace) I am the red headed step child in a world of dark haired children. Or the ginger child as South Park would have you to believe. So perhaps between being autie and being red headed has me singled out to just being odd period. Who knows, maybe I am just weird. To thyn own self be true. So do I really need to change? God, the C word, change! It causes angst even in the typing.

I guess I have a hard time convincing myself that I am really all that different. After all, I am human. Human beings have lots in common. So why is it that we pick out the different ones? We attack differences much like the weak and sick chick in the hen house. To make ourselves seem to be strong and equal we mask our true selves daily, pushing aside our social bumbling and our angst that challenge our daily existence. Is it really so difficult to accept that someone is awkward, or clumsy or shy? Is there any normal person that you know out there that doesn’t have at least one of these characteristics? Imagine being a student who won the lottery of all the characteristics…

All my life I have been studious. I love reading books, using computers, learning my obsessive subjects. I have great difficulty learning something I find boring such as math, or programming or other tedious subjects. As an artie autie rather than a technical one, I have always had much more of a grasp for the arts both language and manual. I love to analyze things, discover the reason why things are as they are and why something works. I do tend to overanalyze though and sometimes don’t know where to stop. I realize that I could probably learn programming, but I seem to have a mental block atm. The block is like a dull ache between the eyes, that nothing can penetrate. How can I release that block? How can I make myself be open to liking new things? Perhaps it’s just stubbornness…Red heads are good for that. Auties are notorious for that.

I want to go back to school once my kids are older. But each year that passes, leaves me more and more technology impaired and current world events and history changes in the maps etc that I just don’t have a clue. How does one go back to a school to relearn things you haven’t thought about in over 20 years? Is it really that important? Why is it so necessary to take core classes when they have nothing really to do with what you are majoring in? Isn’t that what high school is for? And why can’t you just take the classes necessary for the field you need? Presuming that you passed high school, you should have a good basic grasp of math and English and Science. I thought high school was to prepare you for college. I thought College was to give you a career.

These days, more and more studying is done online. I think I could do that since now my children are a bit older and have learned not to be interrupting me every 5 minutes. But then again, my son (my last baby) does love to mommy me to death so maybe later rather than sooner. I guess what I am trying to say is that perhaps the online experience would avoid having to be in a classroom dealing with social awkwardness, the age gap dumbness and the physical disparity, especially being the older student at school..

So tired, and wish for numb to come

2009-04-06T14:44:00.004-05:00

All things totaled, I had a very good weekend. But it didn’t start out that way. 2 days before I left to go camping with Jeremy I was under the impression that we were going to one place, when Jeremy discovered another place to go so we went there. Change for an autie is never a good thing and so I had my sights/heart set on one thing only to discover I had been mistaken. Even though I know Jeremy has great taste in places, I grumbled because it wasn’t what I had in mind. Its not that I don’t trust him or anything like that, but I had my mindset that we were going to the other place (which we still are in a few weeks) it just wasn’t this outing.

Also because I had a hard day at work and wasn’t able to come home and take my normal nap, I was extra grumpy. Then came the 2 hour drive. Grrrr It was hurry up, load the car, buckle in the kids, feed the cats and fish. It was fast becoming night, having to make stops in a grocery store in a strange mountainous place, with winding roads and few markers to indicate where we were going. Even the GPS did not have this place on its map.

A long ride, we get there tired and hungry. The wood is wet and dinner takes forever but finally we are fed and headed for our tents to bed.

Bedtime for me is usually an ordeal. Because of my bursitis and other issues, sleeping on a firm to hard surface is not the greatest idea. It was cold, and getting colder. The ground was cold, the outside birds making strange loud calls. Then I get to bed and discover that Jeremy decided that I didn’t need my pillow because the car was full. I went into full melt down.. The straw that broke the camel’s back at that point. We went round and round about it and I finally fell asleep only to wake a few hours later, shivering hard with the cold. I couldn’t stop crying because a towel folded up is not a pillow. I could not get warm and could not get comfortable because my pillow he left, also had a jacket, a long sleeve shirt, a hat for the cold and some other small things shoved into the case to save space. Not trying to be a spoiled brat I finally calmed enough to sleep. Tomorrow would be a new day.

I know Jeremy was looking forward to it .

The next morning, indeed things looked a lot brighter. The sun came up very early, and although it was cold, Jeremy forecasted that it would warm up and be quite nice. It was and my attitude improved. Especially when Jeremy suggested we go to a store in the nearby town to pick up some things we needed and pillow for me.

We drive down the mountain and in the next town we found a convenience gas store that had little to nothing in it we needed so we drove to the next nearest town and saw a familiar sign of Dollar General. Fortuitous luck, we found they had much of their winter gear on sale. In the South usually it stops being cold around Easter but this year we have had wild temperature swings. Nature PMSing I guess. I found a pillow and funnily enough, Jeremy also chose one. (Go figure he needed one too) and a couple of throw blankets and some hats and socks for the cold.

The place we were staying was absolutely stunning. Nature being it’s very best. The mountain was lovely and I got in a good climb, even for me despite my leg problems. Ty my son struggled a couple of times; he gets tired and grumpy like me sometimes but once we got to the top he really liked the view. Jeremy got some lovely photos. We had some beautiful ribs and roasted corn on the cob and just really pigged out. The kids got their first real opportunity to roast marshmallows on a campfire. Finally worn down, we went to bed to try out the new coverlet and pillows.

Unfortunately peaceful slumbering was over too quickly as some Spring Break teens sneaked into the camp around 1am and made so much noise it woke everyone up. Strangely enough they got quiet around 3am when some dogs ran through barking and howling, and around 6am they were packed and gone again. Jeremy and I assumed the ranger kicked them out as he made the morning rounds.

After a fine breakfast we went up to a place where there was a lovely water fall. We were kinda in a hurry because the weather was not going to hold out for the whole day. As we were climbing I finally just had to sit, and Jeremy was going to continue on with the kids. He came back rather quickly. Seems one of the ledges he put his hand on, had a small brown eastern diamondback rattler on it. Quickly retreating, he came back to where I was waiting only to feel the first drops of rain, so we scurried back to the car. Slightly damp, out of breath but pleased, we headed to another spot.

On the drive back we noticed something very furry walking along the roadside in the ditch and at first we thought it was a cat, but it waddled rather than had the smooth gliding gait of a cat. It had a flat back, a small pointed head, and a very bushy tail, almost looked like one of those foot stools with the fringe and the low four legs. Turned out it was a very unusual marked skunk. Skunks in the wild are normally black with some white, this one was almost entirely white with some black spots near its bushy little tail. It quickly ran into a rain culvert and we marveled at having seen one. I had to wonder if this was once a pet turned out in the wild. At least it would be in its natural habitat if it was. I certainly was not going to investigate to see if it had been descented or not!!!

Jeremy drove us all the way home and it was a welcome sight. We had a nice quick and easy dinner of roast chicken and potatoes, and bed was calling. Who says I don’t need a pillow. (And my microfiber blanket and memory foam bed pad and my velvet comforter…)

Karma and payback

2009-04-03T06:28:00.000-05:00

There are days when you are damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I mean, you get up in the morning… and the first foot out of bed finds where the cat has sicked up, you clean that up and then start getting ready for work and raspberry vinaigrette just happens to leak out of a covered bowl you are packing for your lunch onto your white corduroys...If I didn’t need to save time up for my surgery I would just call it day already and head back to bed. Through dreary sleepy eyes (I awoke from nightmares about something gray chasing me zigzagging me as though I was being hunted) I stumble through my morning routine. Get to work, the traffic is moving at less than a snails pace and though I live only about 10 – 15 minutes away it can take a good 45 to an hour to go less than 5 miles… not amused. 5 minutes after I am supposed to be at work I pull up, stepping out the door of the car, the clouds drop their mother load of rain on me and I look like a survivor of a bad wet T shirt contest. So much for parking near the door as to not get so wet! My boss is tiffed because she had to sit at my desk for the 5 minutes but she doesn’t say so, she just says glad you’re here (in a grumbley tone) and leaves off to her office. My head is pounding now, and I haven’t gotten through my first intake. Open a diet coke and as I go for the phone which has all five lines lit up, it tumbles. Spilling onto the khaki pants I changed into after the Raspberry Vinaigrette…. Diet coke at least doesn’t stain bright red and after damp cleaning faded back into the khaki. Clean up on aisle 5. Then I snort back a goodies powder which promptly dusts the front of my blouse. Deep breath; not a good sign of things to come. Found out I needed copies of almost every form I had so I went back to use the copier and put it on 50 each. So another co worker, who I don’t particularly care for came up and decided she would cancel what I was copying right in the middle of sequence. Then, she has the gall to call me at my desk to blame me that every time she needs to make copies, she can’t because I mess it up! Called the person to reset the machine, and low and behold, the error came because she tried to stop my copies!!! Feeling a little smug I trudge back to my desk with the partial copies and try to get a moment to go back and make more, funnily enough with no further incident. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Karma has its way again! Anyone ever tell you dealing with office personalities and politic could be fun? At least for me it is a best a daily challenge because I just don’t get why they do what they do. My personality isn’t evil; I haven’t got the claws to stab my coworkers in the back. I am not worried about what everyone else is doing. I just don’t have time and energy to be plotting the demise of my coworker’s career plans… I really can’t/don’t/won’t understand why they do. To me it just doesn’t make sense. I guess I am not like Stewie Griffith out to conquer the world. I really do not have subversive plans to undermine the office government or to steal my co worker’s job title. I think that may be why it annoys them. I am not under anyone else’s control and they hate that with a passion. I am also not into their clique, their race games, or their office co-op for snacks. My office is solitary, I don’t sit at their lunch table, I don’t offer to share my food unless it’s someone I really like. Nor do I really have to have much interaction or depend on them to do anything. I think that irritates them as well. There are really only a couple of people here that really get under my skin though. I guess it’s that way in any office. At least I recognize what’s going on some of the time. Motives though escape me. I can’t wrap my head around why people do some of the low down things they do? What could possibly benefit them? I just shake my head and move on because deep down, what they do doesn’t affect who I am and what I do. The evil people in this world, they don’t know me. They haven’t a clue who I am really down inside. But that’s where Karma comes back in, and will bite them in the butt. One day for some reason, they will need me for something. Then what will they do? Suck it up like I have to when they are being evil. I love to see their faces when they do too… It makes them just squirm and they get that sour I just ate an unripe persimmon look on their faces, (or is that just the way they look, anyway?) Things will come full circle…

Please don't fear us because of people like these

2009-03-29T08:37:00.002-05:00

http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2009/03/26/bauer_autism/index.html

Fake people using religion as an excuse....

2009-03-25T02:43:00.000-05:00

Just some thoughts for the “”Christian”” community…

I can’t understand how some people take it upon themselves to think they are godlier, morally or better than someone else. Especially some very outspoken Christian people I have come to know over the years. They smile in your face and then stab you in the back while smiling, all under the pretext of “” helping you””. Sorry, I neither want nor need any help of that sort; it feels fake and looks very unflattering for the person doing it. And I am not saying I am not Christian, I do believe, but I also believe in do unto others as you would have them do unto you… I mean, a snitch is a snitch…Reprehensible. Being mean to someone behind their back, all the while acting friendly isn’t exactly being truthful and honest. Not exactly Christian like… Now, in case for those who misunderstand me, I am not saying if someone is doing something wrong that is hurting you or hurting your job, or hurting the way you are living, then these things should not be kept to yourself.

But….

How someone else lives, deals with life, dresses, loves, works, worships, spends their spare time, is none of anyone else’s concern. Period.

First if it’s not your concern, stay out of it. If it doesn’t affect you, and it’s not about your own position, stay out of it. Don’t take it on yourself to report someone doing something you don’t consider “”technically correct”” if it doesn’t concern you. If it’s not illegal, not harming you or anyone else; it’s none of your business. You may find that although you may feel like you are being honorable; but in fact you are making a black mark on your soul, something you will have to live with. Doing a wrong to someone even though you feel you are doing to make yourself look “”right or make yourself feel more powerful ”” doesn’t raise your points in the eyes of the Lord. The Lord knows and sees all, he doesn’t need you as a witness to tell others of what so and so is doing or not doing. It is not our place to judge someone. If we as Christians confess ours sins and repent, the punishment/retribution should not be dealt by our peers. It is not our place to judge someone. If someone is doing something wrong, it will always come to the light.

Instead, why not tell and witness the good things in the world, the good things others do for you and around you? Doesn’t it seem more likely that being a Christian you would want to spread goodness? Does it make you feel all good knowing you could make someone lose their job or hurt them in someway by whispering accusations and rumors? Is there some sort of auto satisfaction? Or is it all a pretense so you can glorify yourself?

I guess this is for anyone who does these sorts of things… I certainly don’t. I have enough ghosts of past problems, memories or hard times, and bad things both done to me and by me that haunt my dreams. I am not perfect but then no one living today is, by any standard. He who is without sin should cast the first stone… I would prefer to love life as it is, as I believe God lets us do, and let others do the same….

christmas numbness

2008-12-10T16:44:00.002-05:00

I want so much to have a cookie cutter Christmas, but I also know in my household it will never happen. J is not accustommed to liking Christmas, and we are doing the best we can to hold it together and get the house going for the holidays. J has put up lights and two trees, one for us, one for the children. We wanted to make Christmas nice for the kids, not sure how its going to turn out but we'll see. I want to put carols on and try to motivate us, but the grinch at home says its cheezy. sheez, thump me on the head ok?

The middle kid and I have had pneumonia this week and it seems J is coming down with it too... great! Because my breathing got so bad, I am having to use a nebulizer every 6 hours.... icky, it ramps me up.Plus good ole Prednison and Azithramax, should be done by Christmas I hope, if something else doesn't get me. At least it wasn't strep this time!

MY big BJD is on its way and I can't wait. I got my first Blythe finally too after waiting since May for this doll, I had ordered it originally for The middle kid's birthday in September, she finally came today. J says he doesn't get my sudden obsession with dolls... Honestly I am not sure why... maybe its the eyes, they remind me of me, staring out.....

Loving J, Hating collection agencies, tired and numb

2008-11-20T15:48:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I just can't show the appreciation I feel for my children and my husband. especially Jeremy since he has the short end of the stick as I am working to support us.

I have to be one of the most difficult people to be with. I am exhausted all the time from anemia and sleep issues (though I admit now that Jeremy is here it has gotten better, time management (L lax Skilz!) and general Donna Reed housewife knowledge... sigh.

I would guess most people can't understand the realtionship I have with Jeremy, but you know what? It works. That's what is most important to me. At the end of the day I can snuggle up to his warm body and feel loved and know that despite all the difficulties we've been through I can only love him more.

There is no better feeling than to know that he is there waiting on me despite, leaving him at the crack of dawn with two unruly children to get ready for school and coming home as the night is falling and I drag myself out of my car. kiss bathroom, sofa, dinner tv baths for kids bed... my routine... varies only slightly . On the weekends the children have strict orders despite knowing if we are awake or not, not to disturb us unless we have come out of the bedroom. After noon they can bother us if they still need to do so.

Someone please tell me, I have these awful collection agencies calling my phone which has always been in my name, to collect bills for my deceased ex's hospital bill. The worst one is Portfolio recovery who calls with a recorded message asking to call them back. I don't because I have sent back every bill and talked with almost every collection agency about how I am not married to him and how I am not responsible for his bills. J got so frustrated he started putting the cemetary address on them and returning them. Still they send and call although less than before.
They tend to be the ones that end up waking me on Saturday....grrrrr!!!!

Downward Spiral? Upturned Noses, and a Resignation...

2008-11-10T13:17:00.001-05:00

Today I feel down, after spending 2 hours in car in stand still traffic, I arrived at my job an hour late and almost melted down. I just felt so anxious and upset with everything I couldn't stand myself. Then at lunch, 5 people came in at once so I didn't get to eat on time making my anxiety worse.
I've been feeling very misunderstood, misinterpreted and generally p'oed at the world lately. I bark at my children, I ignore my doting hubbie, and snark at him unintentionally but none the less. I want so badly to be understood, and that someone see my point, and at least Jeremy does, so screw the outside world that doesn't 'cause nothing matters to me more than him and my kids.
As an Aspie I have always felt outside the clique, looking through a bubble to the inside. For the most part, it hasn't been just a feeling, but a reality. Even online there are cliques, and god forbid you have a different oppinion. Shame really, but their problem not mine. I have enough to shoulder without adding someone's elitism attitude (I spent nearly a thousand for this so no you can't show your cheap fake or off market brand) Silly really when you think of the hours of work that go into them ) I may spend just as many hours working on mine as theirs and sometimes they come out better!. Oh btw I am talking about Asian Ball Jointed Dolls. I have caught the fever for them. I find it very frustrating that there are companies charging 1000 or more for dolls or even that they offer cheaper affordable one, and yet I still can't get one I want because it is sold out or no longer availible. I am getting an Angel of Dream Mo Lan though and I will post the pics when I am done with her but I still owe two more payments.

As an artist, I find the creation of the face-ups, the remodeling of the doll mold facinating. I want to make resin dolls and I will one day despite this forum clique that I no longer wish to be associated with. And when I get my new camera, I will post some pics here of some of the work I have already done and in flickr if anyone is interested.

I won't sell my work, for now, but maybe one day.

I guess another reason I am upset today is because I called my daughter the oldest one, because she was supposed to have spent the weekend with me, and instead I heard nothing from her. She says I should remind her by phone. What?! I have to remind her to come visit mom?!

Another thing is that it's C's birthday. The children want to take little cards they are going to make to his graveslab at the mosuleum. I feel rather heavy about this, I don't want to go but feel obligated.I keep aking him in my mind to please let me be now that he is gone, but I still am getting his bills, his calls from collection agencies etc. Even though he's gone, he still interferes with my life with Jeremy and I know it has to make him uncomfortable as well.

Little by little

2008-11-05T23:51:00.004-05:00

This have been in an upwhirl since I last wrote... I have a job... at least temporarily although some days it take me driving an hour and a half in traffic to get there. When I arrive home it can be as late as 7pm... It is wearing on me little by little and I am becoming a zombie me.

My camera is broken and I am working on getting another, but it won't be soon. I am also worried that Christmas will be a little sparse ;/

Life with Jeremy has been wonderful, at last I've found someone who is supportive and loving in every since of the word. He takes an interest in my life, my home, my family. The sincere effort he puts forth makes all the difference in the world and coming home to someone like that is a relief. Especially after spending two hours in bumper to bumper traffic... grrrrr

Money has been up and down but hopefully we will get some more of the back debts paid off and the next year once Jeremy is working should be a lot better (I hope)

Everyone's eyes seem to be watching and waiting on this election. I only hope that people do the right thing, make a choice. Choose change, surely we can't stand 4 more years of the crap this country is going through. Off my political soapbox now, as I really am not political at all. (Honestly I feel I had to chose the lesser of two evils, how bad is that?) At least I made the effort to get out there though and my vote was taken. I am not sure it will make a difference, but at least I tried.Today they laid off 300 more people at county where I am.

The Bursitis in my hip has become unbearable, I received a cortisone shot in the hip last week but it has gotten worse now. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am very burnt out from driving and from pain, I just don't have time anymore for anything nor the drive to do so.

Push me Pull You

2008-08-18T08:50:00.001-05:00

Push me Pull You,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Sometimes I just feel like this, I feel pulled in all directions and I get so overloaded and overwhelmed that I just have meltdowns.
It feels like nothing I do is enough, nothing is right when i do things, I just get so frustrated. I am having pain in my hip, my doc says its bursitis(no bone changes on xray), but exercise and muscle relaxers and pain pills are not getting rid of it.
It hurts when I walk any distance. Sometimes, it just hurts getting out of bed. It makes me grumpy and tired because I just try and deal with it. My stomach has been sensative lately so I can't take goody's powders like I'd like as these seem to work but the aspirin and tylenol can't be taken with the Ultram either. I can't take the Ultram all the time either as I have to be able to function.

Confusion, and sadness

2008-08-14T10:31:00.001-05:00

080808 091,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Today I discovered that a friend of mine buckled to a troll. Understanding that the friend was under severe emotional trauma and was suicidal, it just doesn't seem right. What right do strangers (or even people we know) have to harass someone to the point that they take off their Flickr photos and their personal blog? It seems too much for me to understand knowing that the blog and the photos are the way this person unwinds, or deals with overload that he could not do in a normal way. What right does this troll have to take that away from someone? What satisfaction could this person possibly get? Is it to revenge a lost love? Is it to get back at some perceived hurt? What possible motive does this person have? And now that they've succeded, what now? He's off the public sites now, its done that, and possilbly cut him off from the only support he had from internet friends. He didn't succeed before, is that why you are mad? You want him to die? How selfish is that? What right do you have to take away someone's existance? Why do you care so much about who he rants about? I was harassed and threatened by a troll once, and I found out where he lived(went there, took pictures and gave to a police officer) . Maybe that's what my friend needed to do with you. But then, he already knows where you live doesn't he?

Let the rain come down...

2008-08-07T14:03:00.002-05:00

Things just get heavy sometimes. Life seems to put its weight on my shoulder. I already this week have gone to the Dr once again for a hurt back and am on so much medication I get stupid high from when I go to sleep that Jeremy has to send me to bed before I really get embaressed. That in itself embaresses me since I don't remember what I was saying.
I wish I could just make myself be someone else sometimes, I wish I was pretty and thin and popular and rich. Oh and healthy, shouldn't forget that... But I have the perfect husband, my perfect children and my perfect pets. It's just me today...

Twisted Inside and Numb

2008-07-31T10:47:00.002-05:00

Leeloo,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Numb because I just don't know what to feel anymore, so many things are overloading me, I just can't turn around without something just bitting me somewhere.

Don't get me wrong, I have had somewonderful things happen in the past couple of weeks, but so many crappy things are still running in the background. Its like getting a brand new computer with all the bells and whistles but it came with a virus already there waiting to get you when it raises its ugly head. Its always there, just under the surface.

I am still struggling with the water and gas bill and since Jeremy's not able to work yet, they continue to mount up penalties.

The pic is of the new cat we received from rescue. She was seized from an aging ill Persian/Exotic breeder that could no longer care for her cats. We almost lost her, she was so depressed and would not eat. But she is slowly recovering, coming out of her shell and still getting to know us and the two remaining cats, the ragdoll Soli and Mushu the Siamese.

I am grateful for many things today, first that the Dr says my surgery went well and there was no cancer, i am grateful to have such a loving partner in Jeremy. I am grateful that his family has sent us a nice wedding gift so we could have at least 2 nice things fron the gift.
I am grateful to still be working even though my job will end the end of September unless the County is able to place me before then. I am grateful I do have at least one close friend who can give me emotional support when I can't get it elsewhere. I am grateful that C's death will help my children now financially more so than when he was alive (I don't mean this in a mean way) and SSA will pay them benefits since I can no longer receive his child support from the grave. And finally I am grateful that my family is starting to lift ourselves up out of a big down hill hole and learn to live again.

Why do some people have to be such A$$40l3&

2008-07-24T12:26:00.001-05:00

Violet Beauty,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

As many of you know I run a couple of groups on flickr and in my spare moments, I scan Explore for talent to post to our groups. I got a nasty email from some guy telling me I should have read his profile before "spamming" him with group invite?!

Well to people like that I ask this Anorthsoul: How stupid can you be?! I don't go looking at photographer's personal objectives(i DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT, i DO THAT WITH FRIENDS, YOU ARE NOT A FRIEND), I go looking for talent. If you can't recognize an invite to a group based on your talent just say thanks but no thanks. No need to be an A&&!

And another thing, where do friends get off telling you to leave them alone, when you know they really don't mean it? I mean, if you really are friends, you should know that friends are there good and bad. Just because you are going through a bad time, doesn't mean you should push people away. Later when you are feeling better about things, it could be a regretful moment. Just a thought

Numb but happy

2008-07-21T11:19:00.001-05:00

DSCN0002,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Wedding day bliss or just finally something good happens to me for a change. Who knows. But I do plan on sticking around to find out.

Finally something has gone right in my life, and I feel most content. It didn't happen as we planned, but I guess nothing ever does. So much crap has gone on so it makes these moments seem alien to me. But then most emotional things seem strange to me. I have them, just not sure what to do about them?! Hipboots and shovels folks, somedays it gets deep. Odd days you may need a snorkle...

We have had to go through so very much to get to this point, and we still have several hoops to jump through but at least now we've made a positive step in that direction, so for all you naysayers neneneneneh!

The sum of 20 years

2008-07-18T10:01:00.001-05:00

The sum of 20 years,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

What can Isay, C was the father of my children, and although there were good and very bad things in the relationship, he did occupy 20 years of my life.

Life goes on....

J and I are getting married tonight.

How much more???!!!

2008-07-10T10:21:00.001-05:00

Bailey the last pics,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

How much more can a body take?
I have gone through so much in the past 6 months, I am not sure I can hold out anymore. I'm so tired.

I just had surgery on Tuesday last and am still recovering.
My boss called this morning, (the new job I have been struggling with), and said the whole program accross the board had been eliminated and we have until probably the first week in October to find a job or be repositioned in the County.

J's uncle had a severe heart attack and is now in the hospital in England, and J can't go until we've married and they have given him the green card. J's mum doesn't think she'll be able to come over for the wedding and I am really sad about it. She (and we) can't afford the airfare right now with the gas prices doubling the airfares.

My dark siamese, Mushu has been feeling poorly the past couple of days and I am starting to worry. I can't afford another vet bill and having just lost Baily and Kimiko its just too much.

I want to cry, but only a few tears come out,I want to be strong, and can't. I don't want to be depressed again.

Shriveling, dying,crying and numb

2008-06-25T08:56:00.001-05:00

Red Blackberries,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

I feel like crying today. I I just haven't a clue as to exactly why, though recent circumstances of my otherwise(Not including J) pathetic life just seem to be piling on more and more and more. I just feel overwhelmed, like I need a major meltdown, and can't get the relief I need. If it weren't for J I think I would just curl up and give up.
I can't make myself stop. I have no desire to get out of the house and go to work and when I am at work, going out to do my job. Tears just keep running down my face and it makes leaving my office difficult. The social demands of being an outreach worker are slowly killing me physically and mentally though I do like what I do and enjoy my patients.
I realize that perhaps the surgery I am having next week will stop the anemia and give me extra physical energy to survive, but mentally? Who knows...Honestly I am scared that this will all go horribly wrong andmy kids will be orphaned and scarred by losing both parents.

Its not fair to J that I lay all this on him. And yet i am also trying to plan our wedding. I have gotten my dress, not the one I originally picked out as I wanted to save as much money as I could, and finally found one reasonable and fit correctly. It is a bit plain for my taste and I am trying to come up with ways to make it my own.

My da's scan came back and although they didn't see active cells they thought the tumor was a little thick, and they gave my dad the option of waiting and seeing or taking radiation. He chose to take the radiation... We will see how that goes.

I miss You Kimiko or the worst week of my life

2008-06-16T09:30:00.001-05:00

I miss You Kimiko,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

I had out of town training all week and upon my arrival home, my ex succummed from his cancer at 40 years old. Horrible and inconceivable as that was, his family banned me from the veiwing and funeral. My kids had to go alone, and I think it really affected my son. Neither of the two younger ones are talking about it. I am not sure what to do about it.

Wednesday the day before the veiwing of my ex, I awoke to find my kitty Kimiko passed away in her sleep. She was a very special kitty that I shared many hard and good times with and I will miss her every day.

Friday afternoon after the funeral, my car broke down, the transmission is shot so now I have to buy us a car.

Also on Friday, Bailey my other persian escaped and I can not find him. I only hope he comes home. My nerves are shot, my allergies are bad, and sometimes I feel so close to meltdown I can't stand it.

I hate car dealers, they descend on you like sharks. Fresh meat anyone.

And you wonder why I'm numb?!

Sometimes Blue...

2008-05-27T12:00:00.002-05:00

Confederate blue and white,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

I work with a very strong personality girl who seems to take offense with a lot that I say. I think she misunderstands me, but it makes me feel like crap. It's not my fault and hopefully the boss has explained it, but still...
My ex has been sent home to die and my oldest still is not accepting it well. I guess that's to be expected under the circumstances

Sigh, why do I feel so ganged up on?

2008-05-05T11:18:00.001-05:00

365/82,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

My boss just called me andsaid she couldn't approve my leave time for a mamogram the dr wants aspa. because its during a mandatory training. That's ok, I honestly had forgotten about the training when I scheduled it. But then she went on and on about how I had been taking bits off here and there(With leave time accrued for my Dr's appts.) without being off payroll except 1 day. Then she says she is going to extend my probation, the work test is nearly done, however a probation period eveidently does not run concurrent and starts when the other ends. She says she does not know if she can approve me having a whole week off for July when I scheduled my surgery because I will "still be on probation" (The week would consist of 3 days leave and a holiday plus the weekend)There are undertones, that the program that I am working in may be cancelled in June (Doesn't really make sense since I heard we did really well on the audit) and since I am the last one hired, I would probably be the one let go if that happens, which doesn't seem real fair, since I have 12 years working with the county. I am trying my best, I do a good job, but I want to be healthy too. So why do I feel so un supported on this.... I am just so upset right now. Why is life so damn difficult!

Totally worn out... but so numb

2008-05-01T19:45:00.002-05:00

365/70,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

I talked to my Dr today to schedule my surgery. It will be July 1st so I can have the holiday weekend to recuperate. Not looking forward to it..
Jeremy now has his K-1VISA and his ticket booked for May 20th. Finally! We have waited so long! So soon thank god, I won't be alone to shoulder so much stuff alone.
My father had his 3rd shot of interferon yesterday and he is tired but getting through it. Mom says his pneumonia is better, and he didn't seem to be hacking as much.
She (mom) funnily enough is now taking Strattera. If you don't know what it is or what its for, Google it. Its ironic because she never wanted my brother to be on Ritalin, which was the only one available back then. ROFL

After my patients today I went to see my ex. They have moved him from the CCU to a room, but I was shocked in how much weight he had lost in a week. He seemed glad to see me, however his father was there and he sneered and snarled the whole time. Made me feel a bit bad to be there, but I couldn't discuss important things when he was there so I will have to go back maybe next week. He doesn't look good and I am afraid he may not have that much longer.
Did I mention Jeremy will be here soon, at least I will have something pleasant to come home to. I've missed him so much and all of that plus all the other stuff I have been snorkeling in have just really really worn me down physically and mentally. I really do need him with me, despite other people's opinions and misgivings about the two of us. I know my family sees how happy I am when he is here, and all I can do is hope that soon anyone else willl fall in line, or fall out of my life.

I found this today, after I found out a friend of mine died on Friday

2008-04-30T14:25:00.001-05:00

365 day 3,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

The greatest pain in life is not to die, but to be ignored.
- To lose the person you love so much to another who doesn't care at all.
- To have someone you care so about so much throw a party... and not tell you about it.
- When your favorite person on earth neglects to invite you to his graduation.
- To have people think that you don't care.

The greatest pain in life, is not to die, but to be forgotten.
- To be left in the dust after another's great achievement.
- To never get a call from a friend, just saying "hi".
- When you show someone your innermost thoughts and they laugh in your face.
- For friends to always be too busy to console you when you need someone to lift your spirits.
- When it seems like the only person who cares about you, is you.
Will people ever care about each other, and make time for those who are in need?

Each of us has a part to play in this great show we call life.
Each of us has a duty to mankind to tell our friends we love them.
If you do not care about your friends you will not be punished.
You will simply be ignored... forgotten... as you have done to others.

I will miss you Norma....

This fuzzball had me in meltdown tonight

2008-04-30T00:31:00.004-05:00

DSCN0009,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Today was a very stressful day, I had supervision at work (A weekly harassment ohm revision of my work for the week) and it is always at College Park, a center that is 58 miles from my own one way and three blocks from the airport. Every 3 minutes there is a plane taking off or landing and you can feel it in the whole building.Because the program I work under has a revision of charts tomorrow I had to stay late to present two charts for the director Nedie Tordova. I am hoping it goes well as I have only been at the job like 4 1/2 weeks.
I am in major money problems right now.,my ex is in the CCu with terminal cancer and is not able to pay the mortgage on the house. So I had to grovel to my parents. More than a difficult thing for me to do, it always stresses me out... So I made the 38 mile trip to their house for dinner, showers for the kids and laundry , when my 11 year old said that Mr fuzz ball Bailey was in the van and jumped out and ran away. WTF!

Bailey is not an outdoor kitty. He has no front claws (Before I get preached to about declawing being cruel, I got him already declawed.)! He can not defend himself So my dad and I went out and looked but saw nothing.
(Sometimes I tend to doubt my middle daughter, the blonde factor runs deep in her)

So on the way home, the kids were stressing about the cat, I was stressing about the money the van, Jeremy's visa, my ex husband, my own health,(Did I say they found a mass in my uterus last week!) and on top of all that the fuzz ball is misssing..

We get home, and sure enough Bailey is no where to be found, The kids are crying, I'm stressing, I finally get them to bed with the promise I'll go back up to the lake house to look first thing in the morning.

2 hours go by and I am in meltdown, I am totally panicked, there's no way I can sleep thinking he is out there in the cold night with no way to defend himself where coyotes have been spotted, He was left by his owner before and I could only think he thought I was abandoning him too. I couldn't stand it and finally started packing up kids and kit to go and have another search. The middle girl comes back in the house with Mr fuzz ball who was by the van, wet and cold but at least he was home. I am relieved but now so worked up and hyper I still can't sleep. Never the less. Bailey is home again.

Pit Bulls.... Tigers Bears and other Apex Animals updated 10/29/2010

2008-04-19T20:42:00.034-05:00

This post has been rolling around in my mind lately. Its not a post i can put just anywhere but at the same time I need to get these thought out of my head. What is with all the Pit Bulls being sold/given away? (You can insert the dangerous dog of choice here but PB's seem to be the most troublesome as of late)

Of the 88 fatal dog attacks recorded by DogsBite.org, pit bull type dogs were responsible for 59% (52). This is equivalent to a pit bull killing a U.S. citizen every 21 days during this 3-year period. The data also shows that pit bulls commit the vast majority of off-property attacks that result in death. Only 18% (16) of the attacks occurred off owner property, yet pit bulls were responsible for 81% (13).

Pit bulls are also more likely to kill an adult than a child. In the 3-year period, pit bulls killed more adults (ages 21 and over), 54%, than they did children (ages 11 and younger), 46%. In the 21-54 age group, pit bulls were responsible for 82% (14) of the deaths. The data indicates that pit bulls do not only kill children and senior citizens; they kill men and women in their prime years as well.

The report also shows that of the six victim age groups documented, the 55 and older group suffered the most fatalities 26% (23), followed by the 2-4 age group 22% (19). Between the ages of 0-4, the study reveals that 14% (12) of the fatal attacks involved a "watcher," a person such as a grandparent or babysitter watching the child. Of these attacks, 75% (9) involved a grandparent type.

The founder of DogsBite.org, Colleen Lynn, adds, "The off-property statistical data about pit bulls shows just how dangerous they are." She noted that six senior citizens were killed under these circumstances: "Two were killed while standing in their own backyard," she said. "Four others were killed while taking a morning walk or getting the mail

Ok, the thing is, people say its how a dog is raised, not the breed that makes them have a bad reputation. Their pit bulls sleep with their children etc.. WTF!
Hold that thought.
I'm sure Siegfried and Roy say the same about their tigers right?!

Ok here's my theory, tigers are an apex killer. Born and genetically programmed to be killers. Granted there are tigers bred in captivity, but they are still tigers and at any moment can revert to their animalistic nature, what they are bred for. Just ask Roy...

Pit bulls, even though they are raised correctly were genetically disposed for fighting and defense. All the training or "raising" in the world can not take that out of the genes... Its there, just under the surface.

One lady on Craigs List recently said she'd been bitten by a beagle but never her pit bull. Lets address the beagle first. Any dog can be mean and trained to attack. Any type, any breed... but more importantly when was the last time you heard on the news of a beagle attacking and maiming or killing a child or older person? It doesn't make the biting ok.
There's a reason for that. Pit Bulls are genetically engineered to fight and not let go and to keep attacking. Despite the woman's claim that she was never bitten by hers, owners of the pit bulls that have attacked typically all say their animals had never ever attacked anyone before.

Back to the tigers, Roy had even slept with his tiger, look what happened to him. Tigers are not a safe animals. Pit Bulls aren't either.

I guess I am just angry and afraid for my sister's children as she adopted a supposedly chocolate lab that turned out to have Pit Bull blood. She has two small toddlers. While I was there she showed signs of potential snapping. My sister claims she saw no sign of aggression, but I did. She denies it. What will it take for people to wake up and stop breeding/selling/giving away these dangerous killers!

And to all of you that say its the owners not the dogs, then why are there so many of these type dog attacks for me to post here? Too many attacks for there to be any denial that these types of dogs are dangerous.
October 27,2010 CNN) -- A 4-day-old died after being attacked by his family's pit bull terrier Sunday evening at his home in Jacksonville , Florida , according to John Harrell, a spokesman with the Florida 's Department of Children and Family.
The infant's father told CNN affiliate WJXT he and the baby's mother only left the child alone for a few seconds when the attack occurred. Jacksonville Sheriff's office along with Florida 's child welfare agency are investigating the incident as a child death. The state agency will determine if the child was unsupervised and for how long. "Our investigation will reveal if the incident was abuse, neglect or an accident," said the DCF spokesman. The state agency's report will show if the the dog had any history of aggression. The father told WJXT the dog had never shown aggression toward any member of the family. DCF reminded parents how dangerous it is for pets to be around small children. "It's a very tragic case and our sympathy goes out to everyone who knew the child, " said Harrell. The final report on the incident is expected to take weeks to complete. WJXT reported the dog was euthanized.
Woman Killed By Pit Bull Pack
Posted: 1:53 pm EDT August 21, 2010MACON, Ga. -- Authorities have concluded that a woman wound in the backyard of a vacant home died after being mauled by a pack of pit bulls.Police found Tracey Brazzell Payne's body on Thursday at about 2 p.m. Authorities said the same dogs that attacked the 46-year-old woman also attacked a man walking past the empty south Macon home the night before. Coroner Leon Jones said Payne died of blunt force trauma and lacerations and that she had been dead six to eight hours.Macon police spokeswoman Jami Gaudet said authorities have not yet determined whether foul play was involved or who may have been responsible for the dogs not being restrained. Macon-Bibb County Animal Control picked up the dogs Thursday afternoon after Payne's body was found.
05/07/2010 Singer Vanessa Carlton bitten by dog in N.E. Pa. SHOHOLA, Pa. – The father of singer Vanessa Carlton says his daughter was bitten by a pit bull while jogging near his northeastern Pennsylvania home. Carlton's father, Ed, says his daughter is being treated with antibiotics following the May 2 incident in Shohola, about 100 miles north of Philadelphia.
Ed Carlton says his daughter was jogging along a road when a neighbor's dog bit her leg. Animal control officials have put the dog under a 10-day home quarantine. The state Department of Agriculture says a dog warden will examine the dog at the end of quarantine for signs of illness.
The 29-year-old songstress is best known for her 2002 hit "A Thousand Miles." She released her third album in 2007.
FULTON COUNTY, Ga. -- Police shot and killed a dog early Friday morning after it attacked a suspect they had in custody. Fulton County Police officials said the dog owner released the pit bull while officers wrestled with a suspect in his front yard. Channel 2 Action News reporter Darryn Moore talked to officers who told him the incident started when they got a call that a man was roaming the neighborhood near Sturbridge Way off Old National Highway, looking into cars. When officers arrived, they tried to question Meeko Brown, 31, but he ran, according to police.
Police caught up with Brown in front of a house on Sturbridge Way where they wrestled him to the ground. Two men in the house heard the commotion and thought a fight was going on. Apparently they didn't realize police officers were involved. Christopher Rich, 27, stepped out of the house and fired a shot into the air. "At that point, the gentlemen (the homeowner) set the dog on them," said Scott McBride of the Fulton County Police Department. The pit bull bit Brown in the neck, according to McBride. "The dog attacked the suspect," said McBride. "The officer had no choice but to shoot the dog and kill him." Police arrested Rich and charged him with discharging a weapon. They also arrested Brown after he was treated for the dog bite. No charges were filed against the dog owner.

Updated: 9:17 am EST February 24, 2010 CONYERS, Ga. -- A 5-day-old baby girl died Tuesday after being attacked by the family's pit bull dog, according to the Rockdale County Sheriff's Office.The infant's mother found the dog on top of the baby's bassinet on Thursday morning about 8:45 a.m. after hearing the baby crying."As she approached the bassinet, she realized that the dog had bitten her daughter," said Sgt. Jodi Shupe of the Rockdale County Sheriff's Office in a release e-mailed to Channel 2 Action News.The parents took the baby to Rockdale Medical Center where she was airlifted to Children's HealthCare of Atlanta at Egleston. Surgery was performed on the infant and she was listed in critical condition. She died Tuesday as a result of her injuries.No charges are expected to be filed.The Sheriff's Office did not release the name of the family.

Posted: 12:04 pm EST February 23, 2010MARIETTA, Ga. -- A neighbor saved a 67-year-old woman from two attacking pit bulls Tuesday morning by beating the dogs with a statue. Mattie Craig said she hit the dogs so hard the statue broke in half. The two dogs attacked the first woman in a hallway at the Walton Village Apartments on Roberta Drive as she took her Jack Russell terrier out for his morning walk. The Walton Village is a senior citizen apartment complex. Marl Roberts saw the dogs attacking the woman and her dog.He described them as "well fed, big dogs." Craig said she heard the attack and went to see if she could help. "I said 'Maybe if I go down the elevator and be prepared to fight," said Craig. "I was prepared to fight." When Craig came out of the elevator the dogs were still attacking."The pit bull was standing up biting her dog and I hit him in the head with a statue and broke it," said Craig. She kept swinging until the dogs ran off. "I don't know where I got the nerve," Craig said. "I just had to do something." Then she pulled the victim to safety. "When I got home I thought, 'that was kind of brave,'" said Craig.
Animal control officers captured the dogs Tuesday morning and are searching for their owner.

February 21, 2010 DEKALB COUNTY, Ga. -- A 7-year-old girl who was the victim of a pit bull attack left the hospital Monday night. The dog attacked the girl in front of her home, nearly tearing off her leg. She was saved by a neighbor who beat the dog with a stick. Wednesday, the 7-year-old was in critical condition and doctors weren't sure her leg could be saved. Sunday, however, Ismael Paguada said his daughter would keep her leg. "I have had bad dreams about my daughter and that dog. It is in my mind when I'm sleeping," Paguada said.But those nightmares may soon disappear now that the love of his life is on the mend.

Killer pit bull was an illegal "dangerous dog" Police said on Tuesday the dog that savaged a four-year-old boy in Liverpool to death was an illegal pit bull type terrier and apologised for not chasing up warnings about the house where the attack occurred. John Paul Massey died after from injuries after being attacked by the dog at a house in the Wavertree area of the city on Monday while a 63-year-old woman who tried to stop the animal was injured. The dog was destroyed at the scene. Police said an independent expert has confirmed the dog was a prohibited breed under the Dangerous Dogs Act which bans the possession of certain types of dogs that are bred for fighting and a criminal investigation had been launched."Ascertaining the type of dog involved in this attack has been a complex issue," said Temporary Deputy Chief Constable Patricia Gallan of Merseyside Police. "It has taken some time to complete the examinations and post mortem before we have been able to confirm that it is an illegal type of dog." Gallan said she was "concerned and very disappointed" that officers had not followed up a warning in February that pit bulls were being bred at the house where the attack took place. "This is clearly unacceptable and we are sorry that Merseyside Police did not take the appropriate course of action at that time," she said."As a matter of urgency we began an immediate internal investigation to establish exactly what led to that call not being brought to the attention of our specialist dog unit." The matter had now been referred to the Independent Police Complaints Commission. Nearly 200 illegal dogs were seized or handed over to police in the Liverpool area in the months after a pit-bull terrier killed a 5-year-old girl near the city in 2007. (Reporting by Michael Holden) 12/01/2009

Autopsy shows man died from pit bull attack August 12, 2009 - 5:13am
LEESBURG, Va. - A 20-year-old Leesburg man found dead in his home was apparently killed by two pit bulls, autopsy results show. The medical examiner concluded Carter Patrick Ridge Delaney had several puncture marks on his neck that were consistent with dog bites, Leesburg Police say. Delaney died from lack of blood and oxygen, according to the autopsy.His body was found in the foyer of his home in the 100 block of Plaza Street Monday afternoon after relatives called police because they hadn't heard from him.Delaney's body was found near the body of a mixed-breed pug. Necropsy results on the pug are not available."These dogs, for whatever reason, attacked him and that little dog," says Leesburg Police spokesman Chris Jones.
Police say they will continue to investigate, but it appears the attack was accidental."We're exploring the possibility the dogs were supposed to be in backyard but somehow got into the home," Jones tells WTOP.The two pit bulls that are about four years old were owned by Delaney's brother, Thomas Delaney. Police say the pit bulls were properly licensed and had their shots.There is no indication the pit bulls were being used for fighting.When police arrived at the home, they found five dogs, including a cocker spaniel and pit bull puppy, in the home.According to animal control, which sent four animal control officers to the scene, the two pit bulls were covered in blood and behaving aggressively. The pit bulls remained quarantined with Loudoun County Animal Control.Officials are expected to meet Wednesday with the Delaney's family to decide what will be done with the dogs, says Adrienne Lawson, lead officer with the Loudoun Department of Animal Care and Control.Under Virginia law, if a dog attack results in a human fatality, the case is taken to court to determine whether the dog should be euthanized, Lawson said.
(Copyright 2009 by WTOP and The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)
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Pit bull seized after attack on 3-year-old Brentwood girl By Robert Salonga Contra Costa Times 08/12/2009 05:50:25 PM PDT BRENTWOOD — A family pit bull bit a 3-year-old girl Monday evening, causing serious leg injuries, in an apparent response to the child's crying, police said. The girl was taken by helicopter to UC Davis Medical Center and is expected to recover, Sgt. Mark Misquez said. She was severely bitten on her left leg and suffered a less serious bite on her right leg.
Contra Costa County Animal Services took custody of the dog, which will be quarantined at a Martinez facility until the agency completes an investigation into why the dog attacked the girl, Misquez said. The girl was injured about 6:30 p.m. Monday in her home in the 2400 block of Positano Avenue."The child was crying, the dog became agitated and attacked the child," Misquez said. Police, emergency personnel and animal services all responded to the 911 call made from the home. The girl's family told investigators that before the attack, they have had no trouble with the animal, which they described as a guard dog. "The family was traumatized and shocked by the incident," Misquez said. Misquez said animal services is exploring whether the attack was sparked by any negligence on the owner's part, but otherwise police are treating the case as an isolated occurrence

Spotsylvania woman, dog attacked by pit bull owned by her son By AP August 6, 2009 FREDERICKSBURG — Spotsylvania County authorities say a 60-year-old woman and her Labrador were attacked by a pit bull owned by her son.The Spotsylvania County Sheriff’s Office says the woman suffered numerous bites and broke her shin bone and finger during the Sunday attack. Her dog was euthanized because of life-threatening injuries.The victim originally stated that she was walking her dog when a dog ran toward her and started attacking her dog. Authorities canvassed the area in an attempt to locate the dog, but were unable to find the animal.An anonymous tip led authorities to the victim’s son, Michael Baggett, who told police his pit bull attacked his mother and her dog.Results of an investigation will be reviewed by prosecutors.
Pitbull attacks woman on bike in Forsyth CountyAugust 03, 2009
A pitbull bit a 36-year-old woman on the leg at least eight times July 25 as she was riding her bicycle near Imperial Drive, said Forsyth deputies. According to the incident report, the dog was running loose in the front yard of one of the homes in the Shady Shores subdivision.Witnesses on scene said the dog is unleashed regularly and once tried to attack at least one of them. A 23-year-old man who was sitting in the driveway of the home said he sometimes feeds the dog but that it is not his.
The animal was put in 10-day quarantine under county policy.
Boy attacked by neighbor’s pit bulls By Joe Johnson | Athens Banner-Herald | Story updated at 1:57 pm on 6/12/2009A trio of pit bulls mauled a 13-year-old this afternoon at an eastside apartment complex. The teen was returning to his home from the basketball court at Willow Mist apartments on Seagraves Drive at about 12:15 p.m. when a pit bull apparently jumped through the screen window of a neighbor’s apartment, Athens-Clarke police said. The teen tried to run, but the dog knocked him to the ground and bit his face, abdomen and legs, according to police.Two smaller pit bulls ran from the same apartment and joined the attack. “The boy tried to outrun them, but they caught him and tackled him,” police Lt. Keith Morris said. “They just mauled him.” The teen managed to escape to his apartment, where someone called the police. “It’s the worst dog attack I’ve seen in my 26 years,” Senior Police Officer Charlie Snyder said. The teen was taken to Athens Regional Medical Center for treatment. The dogs’ owner was not home at the time, and police haven’t decided whether to file criminal charges. Athens-Clarke Animal Control officers took custody of the smaller pit bulls but continue to search for the larger dog that initiated the attack. Originally published in the Athens Banner-Herald on Friday, June 12, 2009
Atlanta, GA 5/18/2009 Man Says Pit Bulls Attacked Him Twice In City Park Posted: 4:26 pm ATLANTA -- Animal control officials in Atlanta spent Monday trying to locate two very large pit bulls that a southwest Atlanta man said attacked him twice in a city park. The man said after he complained about the first attack, the owner let the dogs bite him again. After the man was attacked in the park, he walked two blocks and found some men to help him get an ambulance. While he was being helped, he said he saw the dogs and their owner getting away as police were arriving. Herbert Martin was working on his car on Ira Street when the victim walked up and asked someone to call 911. He was bleeding. "(He was bleeding) very badly, both arms. (It) seemed like he had a bit to the face. (It) tore his pants," said Martin. As Martin called 911, the man told him he'd been in Pittman Park two blocks away when two pit bulls being walked by a woman attacked him. JEFF DORE: Man Says Dogs Attacked Him Twice At Park "And they attacked him. And she got the dogs off of him but then when he complained, he said, 'You know you shouldn't let those dogs do that to people,' and she just let them go again on him. Like on purpose, is what he said," said Martin. The victim described the dogs' owner and her car to Martin and neighbor R.W. Smith. "He pointed to her," said Smith.The victim pointed to a woman who lived on that block and who keeps two very large pit bulls chained on the porch of a vacant house across the street, according to Martin and Smith. Martin said when he sees the dogs, he "walks on the other side of the street." Animal control cruised the neighborhood and left a message for the owner, but by then she had put the dogs in her car and left. Witnesses described the car as a 1998 or 1999 gold Grand Am with a temporary tag.The victim was taken to Grady Memorial Hospital to be treated. There is no word on his condition.

Milton officer shoots pit bull by Jason Wright April 13, 2009A Milton police officer shot a charging pit bull in the chest during the very early morning of April 2 at a home on Birmingham Highway. According to the incident report, the resident at 16225 Birmingham Highway had called police three times between March 31 – when two dogs killed and ate his rabbits – and April 2, when the dog was finally shot by an officer as it charged at him from the home's porch.During the first call March 31, Fulton County Animal Control captured one of the two pit bulls that ate the resident's rabbits. The other managed to escape. The next day at about 7:10 p.m., the resident came home from work and was chased into his home by the second dog. The officer who would later be forced to shoot the dog found the animal in the front yard and called animal control to catch it. The responding animal control officer told the Milton policeman "He could not chase the dog ... but someone would come back the following morning to set a trap for the dog."Apparently this was the same line given to the responding Milton police officer the day before, but no traps were ever set.On April 2, the resident called once again. He said he'd been chased into his house by the same dog, which was now camped out on his porch and would not let him leave. The man said his 3-year-old son would be coming that day and he was worried the animal would attack his boy."He wanted the dog removed and said that he felt that if we were unable to help him, he would have to go get a gun and take care of the animal himself," wrote the officer. "His statement did not sound unreasonable to me in any way."At about 1:11 a.m. the officer arrived at the house. While he could not see the dog, he could hear it growling, he said.The animal began charging him from the porch, so he shot it once in the chest. It ran to the woods, and animal control was called to find the dog. According to the report, they never came.

Pit bull fatally mauls Michigan boy; dad kills dog EASTPOINTE, Mich. — Police near Detroit say a family's pit bull terrier fatally mauled a 1-year-old boy and the boy's father killed the dog. Eastpointe police Lt. Darrell Corsi says the toddler was attacked Wednesday afternoon at his home in Eastpointe, just northeast of Detroit. Corsi says the boy's father shot the dog to death with a handgun. The child was pronounced dead at St. John Hospital. Corsi says no one else was injured. The names of the boy and his father have not been released. Police are investigating the attack. It wasn't immediately known whether charges would be filed.April 22, 2009 - 6:32 p.m. EDT

5-year-old killed by pit bulls in Thomasville Associated Press Wednesday, January 07, 2009 THOMASVILLE — A five-year-old Thomasville girl was killed by three pit bulls on Monday.Thomasville Police said the child, identified as Cheyenne Peppers, was pronounced dead at a local hospital just before 5 p.m.Metro and state news Investigators said the girl was playing in her yard when she was attacked by the family’s pets. Police said the canines were turned over to animal control officers to be euthanized.Authorities have not determine if any criminal charges will be filed
Pit bull attacks students at bus stop Five from South Atlanta High School taken to hospital By MIKE MORRIS The Atlanta Journal-Constitution Friday, August 29, 2008 Five high school students were taken to a hospital Friday morning after being attacked by a dog at their southeast Atlanta bus stop, police and school officials said.None of the injuries to the students from South Atlanta High School were believed to be life-threatening, but police were forced to kill the dog to stop the attack, Atlanta police spokesman James Polite said.• Atlanta and Fulton County news Officers responding to a 911 call from the corner of Baywood and Bromack drives “witnessed a pit bull being aggressive and attacking several individuals,” Polite said. “Someone tried to hold the dog down, but the dog was still aggressive, and was trying to bite at those that were trying to hold him down,” he said. “The dog got away and was trying to attack some more people, and for the safety of the officers and the children that were in the immediate area, an officer discharged his weapon one time, striking and killing the dog.” The five injured students were taken by Grady EMS to Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta at Hughes Spalding for treatment. Their ages were not immediately available.
Just before noon, police were still trying to determine if the dog was a stray or if it belonged to someone in the area, a neighborhood off Cleveland Avenue.
Roswell, GA - Authorities said that dog bites and dog attacks are on a dramatic rise in our state of Georgia. A Roswell woman was walking down her side walk this morning, June 27, when a pit bull broke away from its owner and viciously mauled the innocent Roswell woman who has not yet been identified. Charles Tedford, president of the homeowners association in the Lake Forest subdivision said that neighbors tried to stop the attack by beating the dog with sticks and shovels, but they didn't succeed. The dog finally stopped, attacked the neighbor who had been hitting it with a shovel and bit him in the arm. When the dog turned to attack another neighbor, he was killed with .45-caliber pistol. Roswell Police Lieutenant James McGee said that the Roswell woman was in surgery Friday morning at North Fulton Regional Hospital for severe injuries. -3Year-Old Killed By Pit Bull Officer Shoots Dog In Self-Defense POSTED: 10:25 am EDT July 23, 2008JACKSON, Miss. -- The family of a 3-year-old boy mauled to death by a pit bull wants the dog put down.Tony Evans Jr. was killed after he wandered close to a chained pit bull on Tuesday at a home at 112 Maple Ridge Drive, according to the boy’s uncle Ray Powell. The dog was able to reach Evans and bit him in the abdomen. Powell said that the dog’s owner and two family members were watching the boy Tuesday evening. During a news conference on Wednesday, Assistant Police Chief Gerald Jones said that the boy’s parents and the owner of the dog had been questioned, but that it was not a criminal matter. Police said that an officer had to shoot the dog in self-defense. The pit bull survived the shooting and was recovered by the Animal Control Unit. The dog was quarantined on Wednesday at the Jackson animal control headquarters.
The owner of the dog didn’t violate any city ordinances because the dog was chained and confined to the property, Jones said. Animal control will conduct an investigation to determine if the pit bull should be labeled a dangerous dog, Jones said. If labeled a dangerous dog, the pit bull can be euthanized, or the owner can be required to follow several stipulations, which are outlined in the city’s dangerous dog ordinance.
Tony Evans Jr. was killed after he wandered close to a chained pit bull on Tuesday at a home at 112 Maple Ridge Drive, according to the boy’s uncle Ray Powell. The dog was able to reach Evans and bit him in the abdomen. During a news conference on Wednesday, Assistant Police Chief Gerald Jones said that the boy’s parents and the owner of the dog had been questioned, but that it was not a criminal matter. Police said that an officer had to shoot the dog in self-defense. The pit bull survived the shooting and was recovered by the Animal Control Unit. The dog was quarantined on Wednesday at the Jackson animal control headquarters.
Animal control will conduct an investigation to determine if the pit bull should be labeled a dangerous dog, Jones said. If labeled a dangerous dog, the pit bull can be euthanized, or the owner can be required to follow several stipulations, which are outlined in the city’s dangerous dog ordinance.
http://www.wsbtv.com./news/16964325/detail.html Feisty Jack Russell dies after saving five children from marauding pit bulls This is an ode to a dog. Not just any dog, mind you. This is a real-life Lassie, a hero who died protecting his young masters from two much bigger and much more dangerous animals.This is, in the end, a sad story. New Zealand media report that George, a 9-year-old Jack Russell terrier, suffered fatal wounds while protecting five young children from two vicious pit bulls.
Richard Rosewarne, 11, tells his local paper that the pit bulls came up behind them and were going for his 4-year-old brother, Darryl Wilson, when tiny George jumped between them. "These two pit bulls rushed up and were going for the little boy. George went for them, it's what he would do. He didn't stand a chance, but I reckon he saved that boy from being chewed up," owner Alan Gay, 69, tells the Taranaki Daily News. "These pitbulls should be banned. They're killers and it comes from them being bred for fighting." The dogs that killed George were covered in his blood when they returned home, and are now being kept in a local pound where they will be destroyed, the local paper reports. Their owner is said to face possible prosecution. Radio New Zealand says the local government plans to crack down on dangerous dogs. Update at 4:52 p.m. ET: The ASPCA has a page devoted to pit bulls. Here's what the group has to say about the breed's reputation for being too aggressive: Pit bulls were genetically selected for their fighting prowess. What does this mean? What it doesn’t mean is that pit bulls can’t be around other dogs or that they are unpredictably aggressive, or that they will fight to the death. What it does mean is that pit bulls can easily be encouraged to be aggressive toward other dogs or, to put it another way, it takes less to arouse a pit bull than many other breeds to be aggressive toward other dogs. A search for what set off pet pit bulls' lethal attack Jaxon Van Derbeken, Demian Bulwa, Jason B. Johnson, Janine DeFao, Chronicle Staff Writers Sunday, June 5, 2005 Choking back tears, the mother of a 12-year-old boy killed by his family's pit bulls called Friday's fatal mauling an accident involving "happy, friendly pets" that had never acted violently before. Colm Brennan said he hopes his grandson's death will Nicholas Faibish was alone with his family's pit bulls Fatal S.F. Mauling Mother: It was a 'freak accident'Training determines breed's disposition, animal experts say Nevius: Tougher laws needed Mauling victim is mourned Nevius: Supporters of pit bulls won't let go City to review its options on pit bulls Foundation to help victims of dog maulings Regulations pursued in wake of mauling 'Devastating tragedy' for mom Two Cents: Pit bull experiences Family pit bulls kill 12-year-old boy Expert defends canine breed Discuss menacing dogs . This is just a devastating tragedy," said Maureen Faibish, the morning after her son Nicholas was attacked while home alone in their Sunset District apartment.While Nicholas' family and investigators struggled Saturday to understand what turned two supposedly loving pets into killers, dog experts said a confluence of factors may have created the potential for an attack. The family was moving to Oregon, with their apartment nearly empty and their belongings boxed up, a change in the environment that can stress animals. Nicholas' father, Steve -- the dogs' primary master -- had already been gone for weeks in Oregon. The dogs reportedly were not neutered, which can cause aggressive behavior, experts said. And the boy was alone with the dogs for at least two hours. "There's always a trigger. It can happen with any kind of dog," said Robert Arrick of Park Animal Hospital, a veterinarian who had treated the dogs, Rex and Ella. "But with pit bulls, the damage is much worse."San Francisco police said Saturday that determining the circumstances of the attack was the focus of their investigation. "Our concerns are for the family,'' police spokesman Neville Gittens said.Mother gone 2 hours Authorities said Faibish, who had been shopping for about two hours, came home about 3:15 p.m. Friday to find her son bloody, partially clothed and lifeless in a front bedroom. His face was mauled, and he was covered with bite wounds and had a hole in his scalp from the attack. Next-door neighbor Raisa Akinshin said she ran to a balcony and called to Faibish through her closed window. When Faibish opened her shade, Akinshin saw both Faibish and the room drenched in blood, which she described as "a scene out of a horror movie." She called 911. Ella was blocking the door when police arrived and was shot. Rex, who was eventually found hiding in the backyard, was taken away by animal control officers and remained in custody Saturday. Based on the evidence, it appeared that Nicholas had struggled to fend off the attack and had put up "a hell of a fight,'' a law enforcement official said. Outside the home across from Golden Gate Park on Saturday, votive candles and bouquets of roses and daisies were laid on the worn steps in front of a metal gate. A shred of yellow police tape lay on the sidewalk near a square of pavement where the family had traced their names in wet concrete last year -- the parents; children Nicholas, Ashley, 10, and Christopher, 9; and the two dogs. Nicholas' maternal grandfather, Colm Brennan, who owns the small apartment building on Lincoln Way, walked by with his Jack Russell terrier, pausing at the shrine.
"I'll tell you what I would do: kill every pit bull in San Francisco," a red-eyed Brennan said earlier between sobs. "I don't like pit bulls, never have." 'Don't trust them' "This is a lesson for people who have pit bulls and children. Don't trust them," said Brennan, adding that he hopes his grandson's death will start a movement against the breed. Brennan said he had told his daughter his feelings about the pit bulls, although he had never seen the family's dogs act aggressively.
A woman sitting by the shrine in a wheelchair identified herself as Maureen Faibish's sister, Cathy French. She said the dogs had never given any indication that they might turn on the family. "They had these dogs since they were puppies, and there was never a problem," said French. "It doesn't make any sense." French said the only thing she can think of is that Ella may have been in heat at the time, causing the animal to lash out at Nicholas. Reached by phone, Maureen Faibish called her son a bright, gentle boy. "He did not do anything wrong," she said. "He was a 12-year-old boy who was very loved by everybody. He was the greatest kid in the world." She asked that people pray for the family. The dogs were familiar on that stretch of Lincoln Way, often tied up with rope outside their garage, being walked by Steve Faibish or even roaming the street unleashed. Neighbors described them as friendly, but rambunctious and poorly trained. Randy Geyer, who lives two doors down in a cottage that faces the Faibishes' backyard, said he frequently saw Nicholas and his two siblings with the 80-pound dogs in the yard. He said the children often hit the dogs in the face, but they never reacted aggressively.
"This whole thing is so bizarre. I'm just shocked," Geyer said. "They're all nice people, and the dogs were so sweet." Neighbor Akinshin said she never saw the children mistreat the dogs. She said the family got Rex about a year and a half ago as a 4-month-old puppy. Ella came a few months later. Geyer said Steve Faibish told him he planned to breed the dogs. Geyer assumed Faibish, a construction framer who was often out of work, hoped to earn some money selling puppies. Female in heat a catalyst? Arrick, the veterinarian, said he last saw the dogs on a routine visit at Park Animal Hospital nearly a year ago. There were no signs they were mistreated, but at the time, they were not neutered. He said that can cause male dogs to be more aggressive, especially if the female is in heat. Dog experts also said the situation -- with the family moving and Steve Faibish, the dog's master, out of town -- could trigger an attack. "Whenever you have an environment that's changing, it creates stress in animals just as it does in people,'' said Gail Golab, a spokeswoman for the American Veterinary Medical Association. Trish King, director of behavior and training at the Marin Humane Society and author of the book "Parenting Your Dog," said a dog's behavior can change if a primary caretaker is away. "If the dogs were roughhousing, for instance, and (Nicholas) tried to break them up, they might discipline him. And they can get carried away," King said. "There's a huge genetic tendency to behave in certain ways. Herding dogs tend to herd. Dogs bred to fight each other, like pit bulls, tend to get aroused very quickly, unless you breed it out of them." Dr. Patrick Melese, an animal behavior specialist in San Diego, said it can create a volatile situation to leave a boy alone with dogs when their dominant owner is gone for some time. "Often at dangerous risk are people who are not seen as the highest- ranking members of that social group, such as children,'' Melese said. That's because dogs seek to dominate lesser members of the group.
"The dogs say, hey, there's no one to stop us.''
This just in this week, not a pit bull but another Apex animal being what it is...
Captive bear that killed Ohio man is euthanized The father of a 24-year-old Brent Kandra, who was killed by a captive bear in Ohio, says several relatives watched a veterinarian euthanize the animal.By Mark Duncan, AP The father of a 24-year-old Brent Kandra, who was killed by a captive bear in Ohio, says several relatives watched a veterinarian euthanize the animal. COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — The father of a 24-year-old Ohio man who was killed by a captive bear says the animal is dead.
John Kandra says several relatives watched a veterinarian euthanize the bear on Saturday. It had attacked Kandra's son, Brent, after he opened the bear's cage for a routine feeding Thursday.The bear's owner, Sam Mazzola, had said Kandra's family would decide its fate. Mazzola's lawyer didn't return a call for comment on Saturday.Kandra's father describes his son as a blond boy who fished his way through childhood in the rivers of northeastern Ohio. He says his son had returned to tending to Mazzola's exotic animals just weeks before he was killed."We don't know whether something startled the bear or what prompted the bear to get aggressive with the caretaker," Lorain County Sheriff's Capt. James Drozdowski said.
Kandra died Friday morning at MetroHealth Medical Center of injuries consistent with a bear attack, a coroner said.In comments to reporters outside his compound earlier in the week, Mazzola said he was the only witness to the attack. He declined to describe what happened, but said the bear was the victim's favorite.
"It's one that he played with constantly, every time that he was here," Mazzola said."I want them to know that Brent loved the bear very much and I'm sure the bear loved him very much," he said.Mazzola had filed for bankruptcy this year and had convictions for illegally selling and transporting animals. Authorities will investigate before deciding on any criminal charges.The property held about seven to nine bears and 20 wolves, and possibly a lion and three or four tigers, Drozdowski said. Neighbors said he also kept coyotes. Mazzola said in his bankruptcy filing in May in federal court in Cleveland that he owned two white tigers, two Bengal tigers, an African lion, eight bears and 12 wolves.The filing also listed "Ceasar the Wrestling Bear" as a Mazzola trademark.For more than 20 years, Mazzola took money from people to wrestle a bear or have a picture taken in a cage with his other bears or a tiger.People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals demanded in 2006 that the U.S. Department of Agriculture take away Mazzola's license to exhibit exotic animals. Mazzola's response at the time was: "To be able to bring an animal out into the public and do what we do is not easy. I mean we're talking about a bear! Do you even realize how much work, time and love we put into that? It's like nobody stops to realize that."The USDA did revoke Mazzola's license to exhibit animals, spokeswoman Andrea McNally said, but noted that the agency does not regulate private ownership of exotic animals.Ohio requires permits for anyone owning bears in the state, and Mazzola has had such permits for 20 years, including one for nine bears for 2010, according to the Ohio Department of Natural Resources. Ohio does not regulate the ownership of non-native animals, including lions or tigers.Mazzola's street divides Cleveland's outer suburbs from rural Lorain County, with an upscale development on the suburban side and older, widely separated homes on the other. His gate was closed Friday with a no-trespassing sign posted, and sheriff's deputies were posted nearby.Neighbors said they were fed up with noise and the risk to the neighborhood."It's gotten worse the past few years. It's gotten noisier. He didn't have the wolves and the coyotes before. You can't sleep with the window open," Burrington said.Raymond O'Leary, a retired Cleveland police officer who lives in the development, said it was like living "next to the zoo.""It's a concern to all of us," said O'Leary, 76. "We can hear the animals in the evening, at feeding time, roaring over there."Mazzola pleaded guilty in September 2009 in federal court to transporting a black bear to Toledo without a license, records show. He also pleaded guilty to selling a skunk without a license at a pet store he operated and trying to sell another skunk. He was sentenced to three years' probation and ordered to perform 250 hours of community service.A neighbor and friend of Mazzola's, Michael Strickland, 48, praised his work with animals."He treats the animals as if they were his children," he said. "He takes excellent care of the animals."Bear attacks in the wild have already killed at least two people this year.Federal wildlife officials in June tracked down and killed a grizzly bear suspected of fatally mauling a man in Wyoming. A grizzly bear mauled three campers in Montana in late July, leaving one man dead and two people with serious injuries.
By GILLIAN FLACCUS, Associated Press Writer
BIG BEAR LAKE, Calif. - The owner of a wild animal training center where a grizzly bear killed a handler says the animal is a "loving, affectionate, friendly, safe bear," but he is at a loss to explain how a "simple routine" turned tragic. In an emotional phone interview with The Associated Press late Wednesday, Randy Miller said he was overwhelmed with grief at the death of his cousin, Stephan Miller, who was killed Tuesday during the filming of a promotional video at Randy Miller's Predators in Action center. "It's ... killing me. We were brothers," Randy Miller said, close to tears.Miller, who witnessed the attack, would not talk in detail about what happened, but said the bear, a 5-year-old male named Rocky, was trained to wrestle with experienced handlers.
"It's a playful behavior brought out on cue," he said. But when Rocky suddenly bit his cousin in the neck, "it hit him in a very vulnerable spot. If it had hit his arm or something it would have been bad," but wouldn't have cost him his life, Miller said. "It happened so fast," he said. "We did what we had to do to stop the bear. It took a matter of seconds to get him off, but it was too late." Handlers used pepper spray to subdue the bear. Paramedics arriving shortly after the initial emergency call were unable to revive Stephan Miller. A 911 recording documented desperate efforts to save him before paramedics arrived.
"He's bleeding heavily from his neck. ... We need someone here immediately," a woman told the operator, who directed emergency procedures while determining that the bear was contained.
"We gotcha; holding on to you, man," a male voice said before it was clear Stephan Miller was no longer breathing. Matt Wilson, 18, a neighbor who lives up a dirt road from the animal center, said Randy Miller went to Wilson's family's house after the attack for comfort. Miller told Wilson's family his staff had been filming an advertisement when the bear attacked. "They were filming it and the bear started licking (Stephan Miller's) face and then all of a sudden it just bit him," Wilson said. "He was just really upset and didn't know why it happened."
Randy Miller said he doesn't know what will happen to Rocky, who has performed in commercials and recently appeared in the Will Ferrell movie "Semi-Pro." In the meantime, the 700-pound, 7 1/2-foot-tall bear remains in his cage. The state Department of Fish and Game investigated the attack but will not decide whether the bear will be euthanized because the attack occurred outside its jurisdiction on a private site, department spokesman Harry Morse said. State occupational safety officials are trying to determine if they have jurisdiction, said Kate McGuire, a spokeswoman for the state Department of Industrial Relations.
The center had its permits and was up to code, said San Bernardino Sheriff's spokeswoman Jodi Miller, who is not related to Randy or Stephan Miller.The facility also houses two brown bears and a black bear, along with various snakes and reptiles, an alligator, crocodile, leopard, mountain lion, four African lions and four tigers. Randy Miller built his Hollywood career by training wild animals to perform on cue and safely recreate legendary animal attacks for Discovery Channel and National Geographic documentary producers, including the tiger mauling of illusionist Roy Horn during a Siegfried & Roy show in Las Vegas.
"I'm not blaming the animal," Miller said of Rocky. "We're fast and efficient if there's a problem. These kinds of scenes I do — we're putting ourselves in a vulnerable position a lot." Hollywood filmmaker Nick Palumbo said he sometimes visited Stephan and Randy Miller while they worked with the grizzly. "Stephan was my best friend. Anybody who killed him I would want to kill, but I don't believe the bear meant to hurt him," said Palumbo, adding that he was torn about what should happen to Rocky. "Stephan loved the bear. He and his cousin raised it," Palumbo said. He said his friend left behind a wife and two children.
Colleagues describe Randy Miller as a top-class trainer dedicated to safety and the care of his animals. Stephan Miller was also an experienced trainer, said Chemaine Almquist, founder of an exotic animal center in Phelan called Forever Wild and a friend of the Millers.
"He's always on the ball, making sure everything is extra safe," she said of Randy Miller. "He's always the one who says, `You've got to do this, check the locks twice, you gotta wear pepper spray.' When I first found out, I was ready to throw up." The remote Predators in Action campus is tucked off a private, dirt road high in the snow-capped San Bernardino Mountains, a two-hour drive from Los Angeles. Its only neighbors are a few vacation cabins and a campground.

Pit Bulls, Tigers and Bears..... oh my! All raised by humans to be gentle in most cases, yet animals returning to be apex animals, what a shock!___

Alone and awaiting

2008-04-19T18:21:00.001-05:00

DSCN0005,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Waiting is not one of my strong points, and I hate having worry on top of it. Jeremy's papers are in the pot and hopefully he will receive them Monday or Tuesday and they will take another three or four to get to London and then after receipt 5 more days for his passport. Sigh, then once the passport is there, we will have to shop for plane tickets and hope that we can find one that won't take every cent we have. Once he gets here there the matter of the house which we have to take over immediately from Carlos (see prev. posts) before he is unable to sign the papers. Then because J. will be here on the fiance visa k-1 program we will have 90 days to marry. Money money money... its a never ending drain... and

I do not have it...

The hospital let the wee ones in to see Carlos today, I hope they realize that the little ones are not aware he is dying.

I am trying to hold myself together though I myself am in pieces. Last week the Dr. mandated me to see a GYN/surgeon to take care of my anemia problem. I am torn between fearing a hysterectomy and possible female castration, or actually having a viable blood count and the ability to have energy. I am also torn knowing that J does not have children of his own, and my time is running out to do so. Even if this problem is cured and my parts spared there is no guarantee that I could ever conceive again.
I also heard today that my father who had been doing well has pneumonia too.

Where does it end?

Stop the world, I want off now....

2008-04-17T02:03:00.003-05:00

365/60,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Although I am now on the Adderall to help me with concentration I am struggling with the whole getting through a day thing. I love my new job, but the same time I am struggling to understand and keep up with all the paper work. I just can't keep my mind on work with all the crap I am going through. And I had to get glasses this week.
The Dr told me yesterday that my blood counts are way off again, 8.5 out of 13-15 normal hemoglobin and high sugar, though i found that hard to believe as I am anal about what I eat, nonetheless, I am back on Glucophage and I hate it. I hate diabetes! Its not fair that I can't eat what I think I need to eat when I want to eat it (I do not eat badly!) and what I want to eat. This bland, over-proteined lo carb lo-seasoned eating is crap, and perhaps if a Dr could make a decent diet that was palatable and tasty maybe more people would be able to stick to one a lot easier. Also fresh veggies and meat at every meal is expensive. I can eat Ramen noodles for .10 cents a package and adding some veg and cheese and be satisfied and feel like I haven't broken my food budget.
Enough with people wanting to mind my business, I want my own life back, not someone else's watered down version of it. I don't have an exciting life, in fact its rather boring, but its mine, and I didn't give anyone else permission to take it over, i neither want nor asked for structure and schedules and yet slowly this is what is happening. i am being told when to get up, when to eat, what to eat and how to cook and season it, when to take all these meds, when to sleep, whenI should wake up, (god forbid I oversleep, especially on the weekend!) what kind of exercise I should get and for how long and when I should do this and when and who I should see at the Dr's , and the what fors etc. Enough.I tend to balk at people who boss me around, and I am feeling the same way here. I realize I shouldn't feel this way, but I am real good at playing the stubborn spoiled brat, just ask Jeremy if you don't believe me.
I am also back on iron, but the Dr said enough is enough and referred me to a surgeon on Monday. not looking forward to that either. That is the last place I want a surgeon poking around.
Went to see my ex today at the hospital ICU, and he asked me to feed him. I just felt so bad for him, I don't know what to say, Sorry that your dying, anything you need?"Want some pudding?" Sounds a bit trite, No? I feel so helpless as concerned to him and its dragging me further down. I am so worried about everything right now , I don't rest, I can't concentrate, all I can do is just tryand drag myself through each day and get well myself, and wonder what else will happen tomorrow...

Undernumbered, Overwhelmed....

2008-04-12T14:36:00.005-05:00

Things have taken a turn for the worse.... The father of my children was diagnosed with stage 4 adrenocarcinoma, in other words terminal lung cancer. If he doesn't have tumors in his brain, he has about 10 months to live. My oldest daughter is his next of kin and she has had to grow up very quickly. It doesn't seem fair, but when is life fair?
OTOH my visit with the Dr went quite well. Finally a Dr who actually knows what Asperger's syndrome is, and actually gets it when I talk to him. I told him of my concentration problems and he started me on a low dose of adderall (generic) even with insurance its 20.00 a bottle, not very economic, but.... from the first day I can say I feel more clear and a little more energized. maybe when he bumps the dose in a month I can actually feel some motivation.... sigh, with everything going on here, it seems likely that it will stay tanked.
I need so many things, and I just don't have the ways/means to get/deal with/put up with. I am so mentally tired....

Still feeling odd

2008-04-07T10:23:00.001-05:00

365/59,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

I overdid the caffiene and felt a little better yesterday. I still didn't get much done, though and it weighs on my mind. I am so distracted, so weirded out. Nothing is as it should be. I go to that clinical trial for ADD tommorow, though frankly I am terrified... I am forcing myself out of my house to go. I am not up to being social and talking to strangers and it truly bothers me. I have a general Dr's apt , brand new Dr since I now have insurance. Boy, he is going to have a handful with me, but I guess that's what HMO GP's sign up for...on Friday morning and my eye apt is on Thursday afternoon, since I didn't pass my eye exam for my job, and I can't see the normal font an overstuffed sofa arm away from the desk. I am terrified of the bills I have right now, I am worried about my ex since he makes my mortgage payments, I think I mentioned he is in the hospital with pneumonia and congestive heart problems. Sigh, I don't want to feel sorry for myself but at the same time, my gosh, what did I do to get all this????!!!!

Spring Confusion

2008-04-06T13:32:00.001-05:00

Spring Pink,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

I have gotten myself into a financial situation that is atm unsolvable and could risk my keeping my children. Atm I am without water and soon to be without gas, both bill ranging over 1000.00. I don't know really how they got that high. I am still off anti-depressants since the bronchitis. I'm not sure they were helping that much anymore anyway, and now my problems seem to be more of the ADD type rather than depression. I have decided to try and enter a study to see if I can get a reasonable diagnosis and possibly meds to help me with concentration. Did I mention my grandmother died this last week? She was 95 and suffered from Alzheimer's disease. She was also on Zoloft for many years so I guess I am not such a pear on the apple tree after all. My family makes me feel as if I am so weird compared to them. I just can't be like them. I have no clue how to be organized. I am making strides in getting my life back together and then the house of cards I am building gets sucked down by the least little thing. (Lately they have been huge things) I stand in the ruins and am clueless of what to do.I have no idea where some necessary things are in the house and I am feeling absolutely nuts. Where to start again, .ATM I feel almost like why bother, and keep my own personal pity party. I am not coping well. I am alone this week thank god, my kids are staying at their aunts. But last night I found out my ex, who I really don't have hard feelings against, is in the hospital with pneumonia and congestive heart failure. So he can't help me with my bills either. My kids are safe with their aunt and I guess its the best place for them right now, I just need to get myself together, I just can't find the right starting point, the energy, anymore.

Lots to catch up

2008-02-19T15:14:00.001-05:00

soli face,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

I've had bronchitis on top of all my other little pasky ailments.... and I've decided to take myself off all meds, funnily enough I've lost 5 lbs, go figure.

My Dad is doing ok, he also had bronchitis, hopefully not from me, and has taken his 5th chemo, and a new pet scan that says his tumor is shrinking whch hopefully is an indication that it is going away. Jeremy had his medical but hasn't gotten his interview yet.
Today is the last day in my job and I start my new one with benefits in the County as a permanent Employee tommorow as a Bilingual Outreach worker. More money, benefilts but 52 mles away from my house... ;(

Non-Coping with numbness

2008-01-14T12:16:00.001-05:00

humbleing,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

It seems most my life I have had a body image problem. As a teen, I was too thin, (but never thin enough) until I broke my foot and discovered food. Then became thin again, normal thin, not dancer thin, then, I discovered having children and a changing body form. As a former annorexic dancer, the fatness of pregnancy ate at my self esteem. Not able to move around and having to be on bed rest, destroyed any desire and any capacity to diet and exercise. It no longer mattered even if I ate correctly I gained weight and to top it off, became diabetic.

Having diabetes means having to keep your blood levels of sugar even so you don't have extreme overloads or underloads of sugar in your bloodstream. This requires almost scientific eating, measured and balanced food, and eating every 3 to 4 hours. You have to have enough caloric intake to not be ravenous, yet not overdo either. Its a lose/ lose or much better said, a gain/gain situation.
I do not gain anymore(fortuneately), my A-1C's are just right, by finger sticks (when I do them anymore) are perfect. I no longer get the jitters from dropping blood sugars because I know what and when to eat.

Cutting from this, however, leaves my blood levels dropping, and I can not maintaina normal healthy attitude. Dieting, or at least, cutting calories from my diet, only seems to aggrevate my problem.

Although I am proportionate, I am overweight. My stomach is horribly stretched from having 7 pregnancies and only 3 surving children. The constant trying to achieve thinness as a child and recovering between pregnancies only exacerbated the problem.

Now I am old, I have asthma, fibromyalgia which causes severe pains in my joints and connective tissues, bad knees and hips from overstretching tendons, and ruined cartiledge from ballet, old bone breaks in my feet and badly healed shin fractures, plantar faciatis,tailors bunions,ingrowns nails, severe anemia from other complications, and any garden variety of colds and upper respitory ailments with allergies. All of these things combined make exercise sheer torture for me.

Somedays when i am at work, my hands are aching or my wrists, or my knees and hips. I take advil, or whatever I can get to numb some of the pain but it never really goes away Some days are more tolerable than others. Somedays I rush and push myself and later regret it the next day. I realize exercise can be painful, but it wasn't that painful before. I can not recover as quickly day to day from an active day to a resting day. Most days, I haven't got the energy to even get out of bed, but I do it because if I don't I will starve.(There's a concept)

This is my dilemna, there is no magic pill to take it all away. I have no benefits that I can see a Dr constantly to take away my ailments one by one. Surgery seems a distant dream, but very risky and very expensive. And, because I have no insurance, no medical team will even consider it.

I saw a program this weekend that really made me sad. It talked about how children see their parents, and how one child was always embaressed because their mom was so overweight.
I see the mothers that come and pick up the other children at my kids school. Many are wealthy, fit, coiffed, manicured and dressed in the latest fashions. I often wonder what my kids perceptions of what a parent (ie mom) should look like. I know I can't compare.

Being autie, the least thing I want is someone looking or perceiving how I am. But, my children's opinions do matter. And even though I know in their minds they love me, that is not the same as how they see me against other people, or how other children perceive their mother and comment to them.

Sigh, at times I am a bag of flesh without the strenghth or ability to push forward with changes. Being autie, changes are always difficult. My diet, is rigid mostly, and adding to or cutting back, is often more costly emotionally and monetarily than I have the resources for. I don't have the resources for a full day physically most days, never mind mentally.

I have not found a diet yet that uses the things I eat in my diet. Its really sad that there isn't a diet that will make you want to use and continue with it. But making you eat strange and frankly nasty tasting and textured foods just because its lo cal/ lo fat/ lo carb is a form of torture all in its own to an autie.

Lately I am being told I am beautiful by my fiance, and I just don't believe him. I see myself, the marks, the folds, the lines, and I just can't bring myself to see what he sees. I can't concieve that anyone could find this body attractive, I detest it. I fel horribly disorganized, messy, and just unfit to even walk in public. I am terrififed to walk around my block, fearing the unknown and my personal safety.

I no longer care if I wear makeup when I am out nor am I out to impress anyone but myself. And yet, that is the ultimate in contridiction since, I do really care deep down about my"fatness". But seemingly I am helpless to do much about it so do I really? Sigh...

Happy Frickin Numb Year

2008-01-01T01:00:00.000-05:00

Holiday Numbness

2007-12-28T16:43:00.001-05:00

DSCN0004,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

There just nothing like not being with the one you love during the holidays. This year has been especially hard on me with Jeremy now already approved, my father diagnosed with Stage 2 Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, and my children spending Christmas eve with their father.

To top it all off, my bank lost a check I deposited and still insists they don’t have it… how strange. Even though I deposited it in their ATM in their lobby, and the receipt which itemizes each check was there, the main check wasn’t. (according to them anyway… bizarre!) Just to say 6 overdrafts left me nearly wiped clean for paying anything, food, presents, bills etc. Did little to lift my holiday cheer.

I have been very low in iron counts lately and do not have energy to clean or cook or anything. The day before Christmas weekend started, I had such a migraine headache I could see to drive much less work, so I ended up driving to work and telling my supervisor I was leaving. I couldn’t really afford to do so, but I couldn’t work like that.
This check is going to be horrible with four days out of it…

I went home thinking about the whole check thing, my kids not there, my da sick, Jeremy’s visa status still in the air and just melted down in great shaking sobs. I haven’t sobbed like that in years but I just couldn’t help it, my head hurt that badly and it was all I could do to get home.

I went back home that day, treated my self for the asthma that has been choking me all week, and took a PM sinus pill to sleep, I ended up taking 3 back to back and sleeping nearly a whole day before the migraine finally let loose its grip on my poor brain. I could not bear the lights or sounds, and I really didn’t feel like even getting up to go for the bathroom, but you gotta go when you gotta go.

When the kids did come home on Christmas Day, they arrived at 5:00am and were exhausted and did not even have the energy to see their presents. Because I was feeling so crappy, I just went back to sleep too. My oldest didn’t come over until around 1pm so we were very late getting to my mothers, and to top it all off, I told them to put the gifts in the car, which they did, but the ones they already had and not the ones to give. So Christmas went without my family having my meager gift offerings. Another upset for me.

The kids went back with their father on Christmas night, and I had to go to work the next day. But my da was having his second chemo treatment and since he wasn’t handling them as well as he should be, I felt I needed to go up and stay with them. He is starting to lose his hair and his tummy. He had lost 30lbs when this was first diagnosed and at least he is starting to put on some weight again.
I went back up and offered the gifts. My mother opened one that had two ornaments in it, and little drew drew (2yrs) took one as quickly as she unwrapped it and dashed it to bits on the tile floor (Not that my kids haven’t done similar things mind you). She didn’t even get it into her hand long enough to see it… sigh
So the past two days I have been alone, and my nerves are paying for it.

Conflicted but happy and Numb

2007-11-29T10:25:00.001-05:00

Autumn Love,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Life of late has been a rollercoaster of emotions that has my poor aching head spinning around.
The last three weeks I have been dealing with my father's diagnosis of cancer. (See previous post) The diagnosis process with him has been a rollercoaster on its own. At first they decided he had Pancreatic Cancer, one of the most deadly forms of cancer you can get with only a 10% survival rate. Fortunately with the biopsy came good news.(If there can be any good news about having Cancer) and he was rediagnosed with Non-Hogkins Lymphoma which has a better survival rate of 30 to 60 % at least giving him a fighting chance.

Along with all this, I called Immigration to see if Jeremy's application could be expedited as we can't know how my father will do with this. I found out two days ago that the Expedite has been approved and we should be getting Visa information within 1 week to 14 days. So at last Jeremy will be coming home.

But, the wedding plans are being changed now, as with my father's illness we will not have as a big to do as we originally thought. Probably just him and me and the judge to "hitch' us up. All that really doesn't matter though. All I want is for Jeremy to be here with me. We can celebrate later at a more appropriate time.
So I am happy that Jeremy is coming home, but at the same time I feel I am taking advantage of my da's illness just to get what I want and need. In some ways it's not fair for my da to have to go through all this and not get his wishes too..
Sigh

Life in the numb zone

2007-11-28T10:45:00.001-05:00

Things have been rather difficult lately with all that has been going on in my life. Let me take you up to speed. First thing, I have been on upped meds for a month now, 2 40mg Citalopram, 3 Buropion 100mg, 1 400 mg Vitamin D,1 Bactrim Ds -16,1 B-12 sublingual 2500mcg, 1 Selenium 200mcg, 2 multiret folic 500, 1 hydrochlorot hcl, at night I am now taking instead of the quarter of amitryptylene… 1 ½ tab of trazadone which has been wonderful in helping me sleep without the hung over feeling I get from the amitryptylene.

Now for the stressful i.e.: potentially major depressing part. My father is 70. First two months ago my da had his second nose flap surgery due to some pre-cancerous cells on his nose. I teased him about just wanting a face lift About a month later my father went to have a cardio stress test and got out of breath so they stopped it. . So they ran some tests and found he was anemic so they prescribed iron pill, very strong ones to get his blood count back up. Two weeks later he was deer hunting with my brother in South Georgia and had a huge stomach ache. Evidently he had been eating for a few days and not getting rid of anything. But my da, stoic and stubborn (we’re Irish, it’s genetic) thought he could deal with it, but finally succumbed to pain. Fortunately my brother was there and saw how bloated he was and rushed him to the ER. Unfortunately for my Da he had an impacted bowel, presumably from the iron pills. 3 Enemas, milk of magnesium and an adult diaper later they sent him home. Needless to say it was a messy experience.

The Dr’s said for him to take fiber capsules and a mild laxative. They also wanted to run more tests to see exactly why he was anemic. When they examined the x-ray from the impacted bowel, the Dr back home noticed a shadow around my dad’s stomach area. He also noted signs of kidney and gallstone. Da has always had kidney stone problems and he is diabetic. He ordered a pet scan. It showed a mass around the area of my dads stomach but wasn’t very clear. So the Dr ordered a CT scan, with dye. Da was allergic to the iodine in the dye and so they had to put him on some steroids and have him in the hospital so they could treat him in case of anaphylaxis. Two days later they did the CT scan and while they were waiting for the results they did and endoscopy of the stomach and upper GI. He said the endoscopy looked good, no ulcer or evidence of a mass in the stomach or upper GI. But… then the CT scan came back…It showed a mass on dad’s stomach, and nodules on his pancreas, the spleen and the lungs. They suspected then it might be Pancreatic Cancer, one of the worst types of cancer that you could get with only a 10% survival rate.

Da has always had trouble with cysts. And because my da was running a fever, having night sweats and chills, there was a possibility of Lymphoma. So the Dr ordered a biopsy, but when he was sent up to get it done there was some major trauma patients that took precedence so he had to wait. But the next day he was taken in the afternoon, and though they had some trouble getting a biopsy from the mass due to the blood supply there, they got the piece they needed. They released my da Friday afternoon and told him that the biopsy would be ready today Wednesday 11/21/2007 we were awaiting the results.

Update: The Dr has determined that Da has Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma Stage two type B, and it possibly can be cured!!!!!! They will have to biopsy the nodules but everything is a little lighter feel now. My Da just cried when he told him that because now he has a chance to fight

Caged and Numbed

2007-11-11T21:42:00.000-05:00

I have surrounded myself in a coverlet and knee deep in a messy house. I have no desire to leave. I don't feel as depressed as I have done but in the same sense, I have no drive to improve things or make them better. I have foggy ideals of details I would like to have around my house. But the actual innitiative is more than I can muster. My health isn't what I need it to be, the energy not there,my time limited to deal with my children and sleep and function on a semi-basic level. Its all I can do to convince myself to eat properly, when all I want to do is close my eyes and sleep. It feels like sleep should be the solution to my problems, when it really isn't. And I yawn all day. I take naps, I rest, I'm taking vitamins, and yet energy is just not there. I don't know what the solution is but I'm doing all I can with the Dr's to try and find a solution. Unfortunately that means more time off that I don't have to take. And still no news on the position I interviewed for 2 weeks ago.

Only a shadow of myself

2007-10-06T10:20:00.001-05:00

DSCN0815.jpg,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Things have been kinda rough lately for me. I have been suffering health wise for about a month. Just as I get over one thing another starts... sigh I have also been suffering from the lack of Jeremy being here. You could say I have been miserable.without him but it wouldn't come close. Still time marches on and wedding plans are still in process. If only Immigration would hurry up.
Money has been very tight And my ex has been screwing with the payments on the mortgage and I may be having to look for a place to live. I do not have the money to pay off what he owes. This is a neverending source of stres for me and one I shouldn't have had to worry about.
Someone has been messing with my Flickr account and I am concerned about being accused of things I haven't/wouldn't do.

Numbed or Normal

2007-08-27T12:35:00.001-05:00

We pretend to be normal,
originally uploaded by A V A.

Ava gave me her persmission to use this on my blog so the picture is hers all rights reserved.

Masking is something I have to deal with everyday and when I saw this pic by AVA on Flickr I saw that it imbodied what I feel most days.

Somedays I just go through as a blur only collapsing at home to reset my brain and to restart my evening with my family and cats. Other days, it takes all my energy just to get through them. I am not normal, a neuro-typical, an NT. Life as a generality is difficult for me. My coping of everyday noise, stresses. lights, sounds, people and socialities is not that good.

When I am alone is when I can feel most myself, at least for now. When J is here, I have different copes, different skills, help even. comprehension, understanding, all these things sadly lack in my life atm.

Somedays I am alone with my kitties, listening to my own heartbeat above the roar of the purr of my cats or the snores of one othem sleeping. Sometimes, my stomach leaps as if kicked by a ghost fetus and flips as though its turning in my womb though its been years since a baby has occupied that space. Although I realize this is just a fantasy I sometimes wonder will one ever again.

I laze with out the energy to lift myself up, not from depression, but lack of pure physical energy, and the strain it causes on my aging body. The anemia most days gets the best of me, and that in itself depresses me. I no longer wish to leave the comfort zone of my home, not wishing to expend what little energy I have to muster.
Cooking has become a chore to me when I am alone, unispired, unimaginative, undesired. (I can cook really well, just by myself it doesn't seem right) Not want ing to leave the nearness of the only contact i have atm with J.

Six months to a year... sigh

Life lately

2007-08-19T08:54:00.001-05:00

Enjoying the nutri-cal paste,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

First this is second attempt to post this since my keyboard has been acting crazy.
There are many changes going on right now. The center manager who they hired to replace Gloria when se retired has only been there two months and has no clue about how to run a heath center, Bonnie, my boss, got promoted and they haven't replaced her. So work has been chaos. Couple that with the back to school rush fro vaccinations/jabs and you have hell in a basket.
The kitty in the picture nearly died this week with a bacterial infection. It has been touch and go for a coule of days but hopefully we are seeing the end of this. She has been through so much and I just have this need to make her know that I love her and want her to live happy and healthy. We've been through a lot together emotionally. She has bitten me out of fear and pain a couple of times, but now she doesn't even growl and I can pick her up and stroke her and she enjoys it.
My dad had to have cancer surgery on his nose again, At least he's getting a facelift benefit from it,,, I teased him.

And still no word from immigration on when my J will be returning to stay. I miss him more and more everyday.

Rightly numb...

2007-08-02T14:37:00.001-05:00

Right...,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Waiting is not one of my strong points....And try as I might time just seems to drag. I have taken some huge steps in my personal life these past couple of months such as starting Group Therapy for enpowerment, seeing a mental health specialist to be evaluated properly, started new and combined meds and raised dosage of olds meds, and filed my K-1 application for the fiance visa to bring J back to me.
My boss who has held me back at work is leaving next week, in the busiest part of the year... It will be hell around here until someone figures out how to make things coordinated around here. Since the center manager has only been here 2 months and isn't here more days than not, it is not likely that will happen anytime soon. And so far they have not posted or recruited anyone publicly for the position. But, they tend to be so sneaky around here, then they wonder why we can't trust what they say, almost like they have crossed fingers behind their backs! Paranoia?????

A snarling pathetic animal....

2007-07-20T08:22:00.001-05:00

Mi Corazon Salvaje,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Although things are moving along as planned,I seem to be more tired and more sad as the days go by. I am waiting to see the doc next week because I am aching all over, my hormones seem to be all over the place, and I am wondering what exactly is happening to me.
I miss J more than anyone could say and my life has dwindled down to work, nintendo, computer/flickr and kitties with smatterings of conversations with J.

My mother says I don't get out enough,I don't try to go out and do new things, i don't let people get close enough to me, i don't let myself care enough about others... sigh
As much as I have tried to explain it over the years, I can't seem to make her understand that this is the nature of the beast (AS)
And the beast is always there, ready to bite, ready to consume, ready to rip into shreds whatever composure or dignity I might posses at the time, and lay to ruins any organization or energy I may have had earlier.

Sometimes things make you uncomfortably numb….others pull you into warmly numb

2007-06-21T10:04:00.001-05:00

sensitive plant,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Particularly when you least expect it. At times, you want and need company of friends, and you think it might be comforting to them as well only to find they prefer others to speak their mind or other outlets rather than listening to you. And who can really blame them? When you are depressed yourself, it is difficult to give comfort and or receive it. No one already depressed needs to hear how down you are. If it’s difficult to animate yourself, how can you possibly animate someone else to go on and be content with their life? You can’t and to do so would be lying on your own part.

Lately my kitties have been my only company. Mushu and Soli do their part, and yet the third, Kimiko a sullen abused Persian loathes me through every fiber of her being. But, I will win her somehow. My children have spent the last week and a half with their father. Not having J here, I am alone. I sleep brokenly and much more than I should. I am tired all the time, but complete 8 hours sleep escapes me and I sleep for 2-3 hours and wake.

My life it seems has enough energy for two or three days out of a month to do extra things. Then, there is little animation or motivation to continue. I’ve not had much energy to do many things I need and or want to do. I’ve been dreaming of having a fairy garden for years. I know it sounds kind of silly for an older woman to be dreaming of fairy fantasies. But I remember once as a child going to a garden that had all kinds of fantasy child like animals and figurines and small toys and I was captivated. As an autistic child these things remained in my head like a fantasy and to this day I can’t take them out. So, with the help of Freecycle, I have gotten some concrete border stones and a birdbath, some herb seeds, and some herb plants. I haven’t gotten any magic stones, fairies gnomes or any other magical creatures, but I imagine that I will pick these up gradually in different places, one by one. Hopefully they will all have their own stories to tell behind their selection and it’s something I think my children will enjoy helping me do and won’t destroy because they will want it to stay as magical as it is intended. I can expand on this with time perhaps with a water feature, or a pond or both! (lol) a gazing ball, a park bench, larger stones, moss, ferns etc. I want to make the garden seem very woodsey, very quaint, and with an element of surprise, the hidden elf peeking under a giant leaf, a mushroom that seems real but won’t die in the winter, a butterfly, crystals, geodes, things you find in hidden caches without destroying the (un)natural beauty of the garden, a stump that holds something in its hollow end, a fairy ring, perhaps with fairy size twig furniture ( Maybe something the kids can do!)

its just emotion that I don't know how to deal with...

2007-06-11T14:10:00.001-05:00

alone again,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Aloneness has been filling my evenings lately.

There is nothing worse than coming home and no one greeting you. Fish say nothing and the cats are so independent that they choose whe to great and retreat.
I am trying so hard to keep myself together physically and mentally, but some days I just feel like coasting along with out so much effort.
Some days I need that extra effort just to get going to work. I sometimes wish i didn't have to go out at all and if I could survive without working I would. But in order to have the changes in my life I want, i must work. I have to pay the bills, I have to eat, and have to feed and clothe my family and pets.
Sometimes I just need the energy just to breathe. Working becomes a chore a lot of the time.I used to enjoy it. Now I dread it.I just want to be at home with my computer (that I have to pay the bill for) my kids, cats and fish and food. If somehow I could live and be able to bring Jeremy here without me having to work would be so great. I just don't have any answers

Double Occupancy Required

2007-06-08T22:12:00.001-05:00

SUNP0034,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Since Jeremy has been gone, I can not stay here. I can not bear the cold sheets against my skin nor the vast expanse of the bed mattress, I am so alone.
And although I have many happy days to come and many happy memories to think about, the every day passage of time is slow and painful.
Some days are easier than other. Today, for some reason has been teary and harder than most.
I never can predict the rise and falls of depression and it often catches me by surprise. I have much to be happy for. But I am so alone...

Hope Springs?

2007-06-07T16:22:00.001-05:00

mother and son,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Hope...
I found that I am feeling hope. Something I haven't felt in a while and I am finding it a driving force in my obsessions with my perseverations of photography, my cats, my children, and the love of my life.
Depression has been a funny thing. I suffer waves of it and it rears its ugly head at least once a day. But I am feeling inside a burning hope that I've not felt before. Perhaps its the resignation that Jeremy is waiting in England, and the final knowing that when he returns it will be to stay. Perhaps its the taking on of the two new cats and learning how to deal with them and take care of something that has been just as abused as myself. Or maybe its just an inevitable thing that comes from taking depression medication. I would like though to think its something that is starting to grow with in me.

Finding that I can survive albiet limited in my house with just the two children with me all the time, is a blessed relief. Having all three this past week has been testing on my nerves and my health.
I love my children, but the oldest who had been living with her dad has been testing my patience. That's normal for a teen, I know.
Things were so much easier when she was 8.

The new cats have been a learning experience. Soli the ragdoll is an attention lovebug, and gives kisses all around. Kimiko, however was in worse shape and it will take awhile to earn her trust (If she makes it) She was so emaciated, the groomer could not clip her matted fur for fear she'd die from the stress. She is skin and bones, and has no body fat at all. You can count every bone in her body.
I nearly cried.
But little by little there are breakthrough's and set backs with her. I am currently trying to get her to eat more, so I practically spoonfed her yesterday. We also gave her treats which she wolfed down until she could eat no more. She also like running water and has been suffering from runny eyes (A lot of extreme flat faced persians do) and I have been working on washing off and degunking her eyes as much as possible. she actually tried to play with a string yesterday and for the first time in a week, she licked and tried to clean her paws.(she'd been sleeping and hiding mostly)
So that in itself has given me some hope. And maybe the possibility exisits that things might work themselves out for me too.

Pain of Transitions

2007-06-03T20:16:00.000-05:00

I adopted a couple of cats from a rescue shelter last weekend. One is appreciative the other hateful and grouchy. One sweet and loving and the other such a pill, it makes it hard to be around. The grouchy one, Kimiko was abused, and she has bitten and scratched me without remorse in her mistaken defense of me, (who least she needs to defend herself.) Poor underfed, declawed matted Kimiko, who hates the world but nonethe less I am determined to win her trust somehow. Meanwhile I feed her and pet her when she allows and wear gloves and long sleeves when she doesn't.

Abuse makes people act in funny ways too. It can make them avoident, or clingy, needy, selfish,unstable,or smothering. I used to be needy and smothering, clingy and very unselfish. Till J came along and taught me that I didn't have to be afraid anymore. I was so afraid of abandonment before, I would hold so tightly (figuratively) that my partner would be smothered, without room to be his self.

I am now finding I can find myself and not be afraid that I will say or do the wrong thing, that my loves best intentions will be dashed out the door, or that I will wake to silence another day. There is health and security in trust and I thank God that I have found it

Work and other meltodowns...

2007-05-27T16:59:00.000-05:00

This post has been building inside for a few days. This week I had a meltdown at work simply because my routine had changed and my boss said something that set me off. Normally I would have been fine, but sometimes these "blowouts" come out unexpectantly. That's the thing you see, each autie person has their limits, their own style of coping, their own reserve. I guess I had just filled my reserve with Job stress and it had to come out somehow. I ended up going to a meeting with the director of Nursing where I had never been before, (really good on my already frayed nerves) and ended up reporting the incident about my Boss. I knew the job thing was starting to get to me, because I started dreaming vengeful things about work. Since I either don't dream, or dream heavily and I usually remember when I do, these were quite out of the ordinary for me. Nothing has changed work wise but at least, I felt better. Perhaps the change being that, because I stood up for myself for once, getting a spine, a backbone, I actually felt empowered and able to do so. I don't often have those feeling but something tells me that I must. I am not a child, I will not be held down, smothered or held back any longer. This director has worked with me a long time, and had never even spoken with me until that day. 11 years, and she never even knew who I was...Mousey quiet, studious me, always with my face in the computer. Now she knows me, good or bad, hopefully it will at least pull me off the wallpaper. As J said once, I have become furniture. At least the director knows I now exist in the warehouse of employees out there.

Ashley again

2007-05-09T14:00:00.001-05:00

story_ashley_2,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Things came too little too late for the tiny"pillow angel" Ashley. There was a story on CNN (where this photo is from) that was written by Amy Burkholder. "Report:"Pillow Angel" surgery broke the law. ( http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/05/08/ashley.ruling/index.html )
Finally an advocacy group stood up and asked the question "What really happened here?" The Washington Protection and Advocacy System found that Seattle Children's Hospital and Regional medical Center violated the constitutional and common law rights of the "pillow angel" by performing a hysterectomy without a court order from the state.

Due to all the treatments she received, Ashley will never become a woman in her own right. She will never develop any larger, or have any growth spurts due to the treatment she received hormonally.
Ashley is frozen in time as a young child who's body and face will age despite all care by her parents to keep her as childlike as possible.

This angered me before, and although perhaps I've tempered it with time, it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I have to wonder what happens to Ashley if she outlives her loving parents... Perhaps its not my place to worry about her, but there are so many sick people out there. Keeping someone childlike although an adult is IMHO asking for trouble. Peodophiles dream of children like adults.

Having a developmental disability myself, and two of three children who are also developementally disabled (disadvantaged for you pc people) I worry that when I'm not here what will happen to my children. If I should end up in a state where I can not live beyond the function of machines breathing and beating for me,unless I would have some hope of recovering, I would not want to live in that state. I would have to completely cease all brain function though. I can't imagine what it would be like to die cognizent that I was doing so.
I also would hate not to be able to move. And I have a weird revulsion of most bodily functions/fluids so a vegetative state would not be for me. That said, I couldn't make those decisions for someone else for, or against.

And since Asley is unable to decide, someone needs to advocate for her benefits and human dignaties that she has been deprived of, albiet with "good" intention.

I'm glad someone stepped up for her. It's too bad it wasn't before she was so surgically mutilated that she will never be the Ashley she was created to be.
I pray that this never happens to another child.

My reality or numbness exposed

2007-05-03T22:31:00.001-05:00

Last Moments together,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Sometimes I just feel ugly. A bloated skin ball on legs that has no real worth, no true purpose other than to be subservient to others. I breathe and use oxygen better suited for someone else.

At times, I have to wonder why my life is like it is. Whose cruel joke am I living out? Why do things always have to be long and drawn out, and complicated and so damn hard! Why can't I for once have something go right or easy for me?

I'm sorry, I guess I am just venting my anger at no one in particular about J leaving.It just seems such a miserable cruelty to have to live this way.

I ache, my pain level has gone up since he left, the Dr. says without MRI's and ultrasounds there's not a lot she can do,
I'm not sure that my pain is actual physical pain or mental or both. I lie down and my legs curl in cramped knots. My stomach churns, I can't take anything for more than 3 1/2 hours, I have the minutes counted till the next pill... How Autie is that?

And yet I mask, I go to work, trying to work at hyper speed, trying to make the day pass faster so I don't have time to think about things. time to think about the ache in my head or my heart or my legs, tired from running up and down a clinic in a 7 mile day in heels.
Yet if I wear flats, my back and legs hurt worse... aren't I made strange?

I convinced myself at 18 I was too short and had to wear heels to make me look taller and longer legged. Not for anyone else but just to appear attractive to me. I never really think of myself as being attractive to anyone and it always surprises me when someone gives me a compliment. I just can't figure people out.

One night I went to a place to do a survey for money and there were snacks and drinks set out on a table. The Receptionist told me to help myself to the snacks. Being diabetic, I grabbed a coke, and a man sitting near the table said,"That'll be $2" I stammered, "What?" because I wasn't expecting anyone to speak to me."That'll be $2" I really didn't know how to take him, whether he was being serious or no, so I told him "He'd have to wait until after the survey because I didn't bring my purse and had no cash with me." He still insisted "But you still owe me $2." I sat the coke down next to my chair, and tried not to look at him, and watched as others grabbed water and chips and yet he said nothing to any of them. I was confused, but they called me in to the survey and I left the can of coke there since I didn't have any money. Turns out he was joking. I felt humiliated as I didn't know what to say, or how to take him. I can not read people.

Sigh...

Missing you... Overwhelming Numb

2007-04-30T13:32:00.001-05:00

Missing you...,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Today I am alone again. I documented my trip home from the airport with my teary eyes on Flickr.
My partner has gone to England to wait out the drawn out visa process. Lots of BS and Red tape, but it will all be worth it in the end. He will be here to stay.
I am in shock I think, numbed to the pain now. Last night I tossed and turned over and over until I formed a body out of a comforter and his pillows to remind me of what it feels like so I could sleep. Poor substitute.
The ache is deep this time, perhaps not as evident as the first, maybe because I've done this before and know what to expect. Maybe I am just better at holding it in and masking. Still, pain is pain and it cuts deeply.
The only things that seem to help are hearing his voice and curling up with his pillows, his scent still clinging to them gently reminding me what's missing here. Holding myself in a fetal position in the dark and stimming seems to tire me enough so I can relax.
Being an autie is hard, its very hard for me to get used to changes, and although I knew this was coming, I just couldn't allow myself to think about it. I was already feeling down about some other personal failures so it just mounted up. Now it's too late, and its all that dominates my thoughts and feelings.
Life is hard, Love is harder, and if you can find some medium perhaps you can be happy. Or at least less numb...

running barefoot

2007-04-12T10:36:00.001-05:00

rocks near a defense trench,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Mostly, I am a calm but underneath anxious person. I am not hyper, but there are times when I do feel overly caffeinated, and feel my heart racing along. At times there is in me a rage I do not recognize. It bubbles underneath the surface until I am alone with myself and slowly bursts its way out, in a rush I fail to comprehend. It is an anger not really directed at anyone or anything but just a powerful outburst of feelings/emotions that seem so alien to me. It wrecks me and reduces me to tears .I grab onto what ever is available with all my strength until my hands turn white from the lack of circulation. A scream is strangulated in my throat. I stare out into no where in particular and try to calm myself, but I shake and stim just to do so. I try to dry tears, but they come faster than I can wipe, and although I don’t want to cry I have no choice in the matter. I hate to cry, it makes me feel weak.

Curling up in a ball is only a temporary solution once I arrive home and it takes the better part of an hour and a half before I feel even up to some “Zelda therapy”. I am wondering know if this may be hormonal changes, or if I need to recalculate what I am taking… Is there anything for this? Why do I feel so helpless and annoyed?

Rage for me does not come easy. Anger itself is not really a strong focus factor for me. Even when I should stay mad at someone, I just can’t. I am too forgiving, too gentle too loving, too weak to hold grudges. I silently resign myself to put up and shut up. I can voice what I feel, but not well. Better the words come out here… here they are safe. Here I can’t endanger my job, my health, my life, my love, and my friendships.

I have few close friends and I am not good with keeping up with the ones I have. I feel guilty, weak and not capable of maintaining or understanding how to maintain friendships and other relationships. Alien is the word that keeps running through my mind. I am Alone, a Loner, and yet so despicably dependant that I need people. I need my love, I need people around me. Yet once they are there, I do not know what to do to keep them there. Sometimes, I don’t want them there, and I feel terrible for having these thoughts. Go away, leave me alone, and let me work in peace. Yet once I have the thought, its no, don’t go, I’m sorry, what do you need? Sigh. I just feel torn in between the need to be alone and the need to have people near. Sometimes I feel I am too weird to have anyone around me. I tend to overcompensate by over expressing things I think I need or want to show as affection of the person and just totally make an ass of myself. Then afterward, I am stupidly confused as to why I messed up.

Sleep gives me a release when it does finally come, yet my thoughts have been so disturbed by my odd dreams that rest really doesn’t happen. I awake many times confused as to where I am, what day is it, and what I am supposed to be doing. Awake tired most days, and struggle through my day until afternoon when I can finally say I am feeling awake. I am definitely not a morning person.

I still feel in transition mentally and I am working towards a possible resolution to some of my conundrums. But it won’t be easy or quick. There is no magic pill, no magic wand, no spell to overcome my difficulties. The road is paved with sharp jagged rocks and glass and I am running barefoot forward.

New replacing old

2007-04-10T12:48:00.001-05:00

New replacing old,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

The past several days I have been in a transition mentally. My energy levels are still not where they should be and I am "hung over" from the pills to make me sleep when it doesn't want to come naturally. This transition for me though has brought me thoughts of people I haven't thought of in years, sadness from old relationships, friends and lost loves,just basic melancholia that hangs and drags a tear or two out. I have no real understanding as to why I am thinking abut all these people. In fact its rather strange that I thought of my advanced Chem IV class lab partner who used to call me Singe( because of my red hair) and who later ran off with our Algebra one teacher for 2 weeks. Scandalous to say the least. Never knew if it was true, but the rumors persisted and the teacher never returned to school.
I also thought of an old ex if you could call it that of someone who i believed to be mine and really was noone's, that really only ended a bout a year ago when I met my new. I don't miss this person yet I do still think from time what's this person doing now, or is he alright? I often wonder what happens to people after they fall silent, after they go on with their own lives and leave you behind to start another, or do they? Do they continue to "be okay?" Is it any of my business still to wonder? Do they ever wonder about me? Do I ever really want to know? Am I just being nosey or do I still care?
I guess I will always care about people that were in my life at one time or another, even if they don't care about me in anymore. Even though I am contented and very spoiled in my relationship I have now, my mind will wander to the I wonder what happened to_____?
It doesn't seem to be that I want or need any of these memories or that I am wishfully wanting to return to them. As the days fly by, I am trying to make as many new memories as I can, knowing that memories will be what holds my relationship together when we are separated. That separation is once again weighing on me and perhaps what is stirring so many thoughts of old to the front of my mind. All I can think is perhaps they are making space for the new...

Lost Friend

2007-04-02T08:27:00.000-05:00

She always knew me,
She understood me through my growing pains
The pains of rejections of society
The pains of loneliness
The pains of losing though I should have won.
The pains of popularity,
We were alike she and I.
Pushed aside by the popular cliks.
Not so beautiful,
But never pretty enough
Always strange and different.
So serious,
Bookworms,
Like minds,
Always with the answer but unwilling to say so.
Rejected by the jockboys,
Coveted by the geeks,teachers and aides,
Pride of academics and honor societies,
Advanced classes,
Language clubs,
Teachers aides.
We became our own clik,
Then school ended.
She went to one college, I another,
She dated the teachers we had in school,
I remained alone for years,
We wrote,
An occasional how are you,
What’s happening in your life,
The divorce of her parents,
The 50^th anniversdary of mine…
Two maybe three times,
Then silence,
Not another word passed.
Lost in our worlds
Lost friends.

The curve of road

2007-03-28T15:48:00.001-05:00

The curve of road,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

The curve of road
There are times when you are traveling up the road of your life and the road seems to veer from the direction you were taking. It is scary to not be able to see ahead and know that the road will be passable and friendly. That there are no monsters just around the next bend when all you had before was sunshine and happiness. Each diversion from your straight path is filled with dark twisty bends, and snarling noises in the dark. Life, has no guarantees. Nothing remains the same, there is always change. There is no mapquest for taking the right path or guide book to say this is what you must do. Of course, there are self help books and bibles that can help steer you. But the final choices are your own. Good or bad, you will live with and suffer any consequences as a direct result of your freedom to choose. Choose wisely, step firmly, turning back is not an option. Go forth bravely, with your heart in your hands, protect it if you must, but be not afraid to see your new future.

But one of these things just doesn't belong here....

2007-03-20T08:21:00.001-05:00

SUNP0010,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Missing you today.

Sitting alone trying to work through the fog. I am here, but my heart is there, not so far that I can’t reach it with time, but just far enough to be out of reach when all I need is to be able to reach out with my fingertips and brush your hair from your face, and see the soft outline of your face in the twilight. To hear your voice dusky with passion, and feel you hold me with strength that comes from within as well as out. I feel your need and answer with mine But here, it falls unheard. I am waiting for a moment of peace. A peace, I find only when I am with you

Hollow inside...

2007-03-10T10:31:00.001-05:00

Tree hollow Kennesaw Battlefield,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

I have been sick lately. Physically sick. But I also feel a sickness of the soul. My job is robbing me of joy now and I may have to make some decisions that will affect where and how I live very soon. I have been working for the same government company for 11 years as a temporary hourly employee. But now, my children are older. I am a single mom. I am getting older. I need benefits. I have to have help. I am drained by every paycheck I earn here.

I try to debate the practicalities of if I don't have the permanent position, to resign for embaressment, to try and get disability when I know it will be difficult to prove.To try and find somewhere else that is autie friendly and be able to live off what I make? I am scared to death to look for a new job now. But I am also too proud/stubborn to accept the fact that my job is just using me.

I am good enough to do the work day to day but not good enough to hire permanently? They would rather take someone of the street they don't know?I have the feeling there is some racial things with my boss that perhaps she (herself) is not aware of herself. The last three people that she has taken on have been african american.(two have left) There is one caucasin girl who was transferred in from another department, and she is constantly being reprimanded by my boss who is also african american. Don't get me wrong, I love my boss, but she does seem to put more confidence in the other haitian african american girl(who is now in charge of the money) than either of us. I hate this separation, I am not sure if its a subconcious thing, if its just coincidence or???? Do I try a racial suit with the union if I don't get the post?

I am too tired to fight. I don't know what the outcome will be and I feel like crawling in said hollow and obscurring the light. My eyes are tired, I am not sleeping well again and it is taking me longer to fall asleep. I stand or move too quickly I get dizzy, the eyes go black and I have to clutch something to keep me from going down until that blackness clears. I am afraid to do much alone in case I pass out.
I am feeling flat and slightly depressed, maybe because I have been sick, maybe because I feel the pressure that is just building. Where does it end?

The front door of the office

2007-03-07T14:44:00.001-05:00

The front door of the office,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

Just outside this door is one of the warmest days we have had all year. Just behind this door at a reception desk, sits a tired, sore sleepy autie woman who feels a touch a spring fever and just wants to vacate the premises. Lately its been really difficult to get out of bed. This weekend I have to do Saturday clinic and that night the time gains an hour so I will lose an hour of sleep.... grrrrr

Days of Pain

2007-03-05T16:05:00.003-05:00

Big Scary Tree,
originally uploaded by cicidia.

I know that being active is good for me. But sometimes my capacities to do thing are so disimular from other "normal" people that I get frustrated by my own physical limitations. I have asthma, and it will always act up when I am trying to force my body to do things it should be capable of doing. Exercise induced asthma, dust, temperature, over-exertion bring on the huffing as i can not physically bring enough air into my lungs as much as I want to. I get exhausted by this and it makes me grumpy if I use the inhaler or other asthma remedies. I also suffer from fibromyalgia, a connective tissure dissorder which affects any tendon I might have. Strenous exercise is good for it, but it also makes the next day very painful to suffer through. I also have bad knees and a bad hip which prevent me from doing much up and down so when i do climb mountains, although beautiful and I do enjoy it at the time, its always buy now, pay later. I ofter don't have enough reserves to recover quickly enough from buy now pay later, especially with the anemia. The new tablets seems to be working out, but I've not seen any energy boost. I only hope that could be coming...

The wait drags on and on

2007-03-02T15:24:00.000-05:00

I received this in my email at work today after inquiring about the interview I did over a month ago...

"Yes, a decision has been made regarding one of the positions and letters should be going out next week. We still have one to fill and a final decision has not been made regarding that one. Hopefully within the next week we will be able to send out letters to everyone that applied."

Sigh, waiting is a hard thing for me, and negative thinking tends to cloud my thoughts with what ifs. If they don't accept me, I feel I should/must resign, out of pride and dignity. After 11 years of dutiful service, it would be a crushing blow to my ego for sure.

On the other hand things will be so much better if I do get the position. I will have a pay raise, benefits which include retirement, medical insurance,paid vacation, and sick days. Something I really need and look forward to. I want to have something to show for the time I have put in, the work etc...

Imperfectionist

2007-02-23T10:14:00.001-05:00

I am really good at:

staring.

stimming.

overthinking.

over feeling.

overeating.

being less than a human.

never having enough energy.

never reaching goals I have for myself.

not feeling what I think I should feel.

not being who I should be.

not being where I want to be.

being incredibly sarcastic and ironic.

I am really unsure of myself when I am:

feeling for another person.

writing clear thoughts.

being a human being.

being a energetic.

being full of life.

coping with everyday stress.

being a perfectionist.

being organized.

collecting my thoughts.

expressing my thoughts.

making myself understood to myself and to others.

I am really good at:

making messes of my life.

making disasters in the lives of others.

feeling insecure.

being indecisive.

being needy.

being jealous.

being greedy.

I am really bad at:

taking care of things on time.

Responding for myself in a timely manner.

speaking.

keeping myself in a clean and neat form.

not spilling, not dropping,not scuffing.

business protocol.

office politics.

originality

I am really good at:

being a advocate.

being similar.

following.

copying.

miming.

masking.

being distracted easily.

learning languages.

mazes.

falling.

getting sick.

being imperfect.

New Meds

2007-02-22T21:43:00.000-05:00

Went to the Dr's yesterday and got a new prescription for a new Iron supplement that hasn't been recalled. Have to go back in a month for more blood work to make sure its taking some affect. I also got a B-12 shot and a TD shot which left my arm a bit sore. Turns out the shot incapsulated which formed a sterile abscess and a subdural hematoma. I have been dragging lately. I keep hoping they will let me know that I have the position or not as it has been three weeks now and still nothing. Without the insurance I can't have the ultrasound/surgery that I might need to combat the anemia and any other problem they might find. I only hope I can stay healthy long enough to find out...

Paradoxes of Pain,Paranoia, & Insecurity

2007-02-19T09:57:00.000-05:00

I am having a crappy morning... I woke up and it took me nearly an hour to get up and get dressed in my cold cold room. My left side of my head has the sensation of caving in and my left ear as if its on fire and aches like a toothache I can't quite reach. Who needs migraines when you can have a cluster hedache! Arrggghhh My brain is in a fog and has been most of the weekend.

I have struggled to stay awake as I shut down in meltdown for most of Sunday. Its a wonder I haven't done serious damage to myself, when I think I shouldn't be driving but have no choices...I broke my passenger side mirror on a mailbox, and am feeling pretty bad about it. I nearly wrecked this morning because an idiot suddenly stopped in the road to talk to someone outside on the side of the road, and that would be all I need at this point. Pull into the guy's driveway if you want to talk, the road is not a parking lot!

I sit at work and have all these what if's and little guilt voices racing through my mind. I keep thinking that I'm screwing something up but finding out what, and reaching that goal in my mind seems to be just in sight but totally out of reach. Paranoia that I just really shouldn't be here, or anywhere for that matter, and I wonder do I really deserve to inflict myself on anyone?

I'm exhausted, I just want to sleep all the time. I know my blood counts are down even though I am taking the max iron. allowed. I can feel it. The aching bones, the I just can't wait to close my eyes. I stay awake long enough to eat and try to unload some of my mind, but I've not been really sucessful lately at unloading.

I need a way to relax somehow. But if I relax, nothing gets done... paradox.

Sometimes Bad things happen to Bad People!

2007-02-16T14:00:00.000-05:00

Things in the office will go much smoother now!

Valentines Day or numbed again.....

2007-02-14T22:44:00.000-05:00

Seems like I spent most of my day in overload again. My fellow hourly employee and I worked alone. We are still 5 positions short at work and the other person that works with us was out, and the psycho-socio stayed in her cubbie in the back all day so at least there was no further problem. I am so bone draggedly tired, I feel run down. I have no life other than work, cook, fetch the kids eat and fall asleep. My life has become an overworked underpaid nightmare that never seems to end. The only reward I could have is that we don't have clinic this weekend and I plan to take full advantage to sleep as much as possible. My children have been so testy lately and I hate that they are subjected to my overload and under energy. Anemia is not my friend.

Me Too?

2007-02-13T09:31:00.001-05:00

Numbed and Emotionless,

childlike,

Yet too old.

too alone,

too scared.

Too tired to stay awake,

but too scared to sleep.

Too battered to move,

Too nervous to sit still.

One part of the mind racing at light speed,

the other desperately trying to close my eyes.

One not wanting to see the thoughts racing through my head,

The other too busy to ignore them.

One urging to write it all down before it goes away,

the other, sit still, relax, forget, rest....

Wanting the pressure of touch,

yet shunning all other sensations of feeling.

Wanting soft and silky touch of clothing,

and moving my toes in itchy shoes.

My eyes still sticky with sleep,

and my mind racing on the fuel of caffiene.

I want to go,

but have to stay put.

Overloaded Again: Daily dose of Bummed

2007-02-12T21:39:00.000-05:00

Head just isn't working as well as I'd like lately... Work is still short about 5 people. But no one seems to be hurrying to make a decision whether I'll finally have a permanent position after all these years. I'm just worn completely out. The Dr. prescribed an rx for fero-folate a really strong iron supplement. Problem is no one has it, and it has been recalled. Worse still, it cost $59.00 and is not available under patient assistance. So back to the 3 325 mg iron tablets a day which tend to either stop my digestion system completely or send me running down the hall...
And they seem to have stopped working as well...
I just want to curl into a ball and feel sorry for myself for a while, but I'm not being allowed. Too many responsibilities pulling at me at the moment.

From the mouths of babes...

2007-02-07T09:55:00.000-05:00

When one mentions autism to me I am all ears but when I observe it... Last night in the Walmart grocery my son picked up a rather large grapefruit that was the size of the mini basket balls, and asked me what it was. A worker behind me strolled up and started quoting all the facts about this strange Japanese fruit. How it was 2x more sour than a normal grapefruit, how it was developed in Japan, how it could cause stomach ulcers if you ate too many etc... As he strolled off, I recognized the gait of a fellow autie,(as if the fact quotations weren't enough) I chuckled to myself and my family and got out without too much sensory overload.

Another funny point that happened yesterday. My son has been (im)patiently waiting for a certain favorite treat of his to be opened at home, and he keeps asking when its going to be opened so that he can indulge in his portion. He keeps asking "when ?when?" "Later", We replied and he says back "But, (whining) ... It's already past later!" Can't argue with logic.

More meds, more hassles

2007-02-06T16:45:00.000-05:00

Stress has caused me to have a new issue... another med, another 4 bucks in Walmart's unending pockets. I am now taking Hydrocot 25mg for my blood pressure of all things. Of course this was after three days of going round and round with Bell South over why my DSL wasn't connected when they told me it would be. Say what you mean, mean what you say. If its not the truth, I don't want to hear it. Take a hint from Nike, Bellsouth aka AT&T, Just DO It!!!!

Also my blood anemia count went down again, so now we are scrambling for iron meds that are special order (possibly $$$$). Walmart is backordering it.... geez wonder what this will do to my stomach....

Money has been tight again, but I guess this is a common theme with most people and not necessarily an autie thing. I just can't handle figures and budgets. Bills stress me beyond belief. I'd much rather just leave them unopened until I have to pay or else.... Sigh Not very effective in staving off the bill collecters aka leaches.....

Jelly Side Down

2007-02-02T14:39:00.001-05:00

Sometimes things that seem sweet and nice end up just making messes in your life. Sometimes, you tolerate all you can, and yet despite bending until you break, there are just some people in this world who have it "out for you". Even if you have done nothing memoribly wrong. Incredible how some people will fib and lie to try and cover their own faults and sins. Hopefully my relationship with the powers that be is better than that.
--
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"/ Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
- Charles M. Schulz

Rock paper scissors...

2007-01-27T12:57:00.001-05:00

INCUBUS - Drive

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much
I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
should be the one behind the wheel.

Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there.

So, if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
Aah-ah-oo-o-o.

It's driven me before and it seems to be the way
that everyone else gets around.
But lately I'm beginning to find that when
I drive myself my light is found.

Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeahhh
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there...I'll be there.

Would you choose water over wine....hold the wheel and drive?

Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there.
Do do do do do do do do do do do
ohh wa oh
Do do do do do do do do do do do
ohh wa oh

This song reflect a lot of my feelings, how much has actually been taken from me, out of my hands, some of it, never to return.

I have so much past, so much me that was lost (taken from me and destroyed) during some very dark, disturbing and turbulent times in my life and sometimes, I want that old me back. I want to be the one behind the wheel.

I want my creativity back, I want my life back. I need so much, and have so little to get with. Anything I wish to do other than write costs me to get supplies, to get batteries, to get paint, paper, glass, clay, lead, sigh...

I never know what the next day will bring, and I feel so woefully unprepared, unfulfilled and unneeded. I see things and I think " Oh that's a good idea for a picture, oh that's something I'd like to sculpt, I'd like a window like that,those words are so touching, why can't I overcome my block." My executive function is extinct....how I can get it started I don't know. Forcing myself just ends up fogging my mind.

Also its very hard being a mother, despite having these arty ideas, there is very little I can create with my two smaller children at home. I am starting to think maybe my solitude on the weekends will have be made to better use.

Did I mention, I have very little time management /organizational skills? I procrastinate to the ultimate deadline. Sigh, will I ever get this done? Why don't I have the urge to see things through, to get to the finish line, to not leave a half done craft project messily about, but finished in its glory. I feel so good when I can finish something, yet, getting there is a constant battle. I feel proud when I do a good job but getting that ultimate completion is mostly out of reach. Much like many other things in my life.

Desperate for life

2007-01-24T09:59:00.001-05:00

Being cut-off from the internet for a few days has sharply cut into my"social" life... Haha... what social life...

My unseen friends, friendly strangers on the net, my only other contact with the outside world is from work, again, friendly aquaintances. they mean well, except for one.. which I've mentioned here before. she is back again today.

My routine is get up at 6:45am get the kids out for the bus get my lunch and dress and try to swallow down breakfast, drive to work, deal with work, drive to the school to p/u the kids before 6:30pm drive home, make dinner and get the kids ready for bed and the rest is my computer time. What social life is that? nil....

Happiness doesn't come in a pill...

2007-01-23T12:17:00.001-05:00

Not enough you die, too many you die, wrong kind you die, sigh.
This keeps playing in my head. Don't know why....
Hemmorage (in my hands)

memories are just where you laid them
drag the waters till the depths give up their dead
what did u expect to find?
was it something you left behind?
dont you remember, anything i said when i said..

Dont fall away, and leave me to myself
Dont fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands

in my hands, again,
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands...
leave love bleeding......

oh hold me now i feel contagious
am i the only place that you have left to go?
she cries her life is like, some movie black and white
dead actors, faking lines, over and over and over again she cries..

Dont fall away, and leave me to myself
Dont fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands

in my hands, again,
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands...
leave love bleeding......love lies bleeding

and i watched as you turned away, you dont remember, but i do...
you never even tried

Dont fall away, and leave me to myself
Dont fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands

in my hands, again,
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
ohhhhemmorage (in my hands)

memories are just where you laid them
drag the waters till the depths give up their dead
what did u expect to find?
was it something you left behind?
dont you remember, anythingi said when i said..

Dont fall away, and leave me to myself
Dont fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands

in my hands, again,
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands...
leave love bleeding......

oh hold me now i feel contagious
am i the only place that you have left to go?
she cries her life is like, some movie black and white
dead actors, faking lines, over and over and over again she cries..

Dont fall away, and leave me to myself
Dont fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands

in my hands, again,
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands...
leave love bleeding......love lies bleeding

and i watched as you turned away, you dont remember, but i do...
you never even tried

Dont fall away, and leave me to myself
Dont fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands

in my hands, again,
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
ohhhh... fuel

Seems no matter my intentions I screw up again. Least of all with the intended. I am so dysfunctional sometimes.... I want so much to do the right things when I am supposed to do them and not when my brain bloody well thinks it should. I have the best intention but no executive function. No drive, no rush, no worries. But i do have worries that haunt every second of my life and I drone them out as best I can doing mindless things. Maybe it'd be best if I remain mindless, then I wouldn't have guilt knocking on my soul every few minutes.

Hello Again, Its just me

2007-01-21T23:19:00.000-05:00

I've spent this weekend in overload, with some sort of 24 hour bug... blech....
I've shed many tears over shockingly high and outrageous bills, and limited resources. A digestion system that would rather not cooperate with food, an irregular sleep schedule due to being ill and too many thoughts running through my head. I have no idea how I'm to pay a 500 dollar gas bill... I have no comprehension of how I could possibly use so much gas in 2 months. I'm scared and alone and exhausted. I should know how to be better than this. I guess I just don't have the skills to be on my own.

"Homey Don't Play That"... Damon Wayons

2007-01-19T11:14:00.001-05:00

Seems today I had a little sense of justice. I don't know if its permanent but at least today I am back at my old desk, and the psycho schizo sociapath with bi-polar tendancies is not here today...

My work life is at peace for the first time in about 3 weeks. After having an overloaded morning which I ended up stepping squarely on my cat and bursting into tears thinking I had hurt him, I finally have calmed down and am starting to feel better about things.

Friends Romans and Countrymen...

2007-01-19T00:09:00.000-05:00

Somehow I've come to realize I have a lot of social acquaintances and very few true and real friends. Asperger's makes social contact so difficult. Friendships, the real and true ones seem to be more easily maintained by distance rather than close contact... Sigh... So far one of my nearly lifelong friends has moved to Michigan and disappeared literally from the map. Another one I had for 20 years betrayed my trust and lucky me can never forget and will never forgive. I insist, no I demand truth, and will give nothing less. I need someone who is a match of me. Hopefully I've found the understanding, the person who gets it.

Relationships in the romance department before now have not fulfilled me or given me a life of understanding. I hope that will change now. Trust is such an issue with me. I have been lied to, cheated on,beaten to the point of losing a child, beaten to the point of unconsciousness,possibly poisoned, raped, widowed by alcohol poisoning,and yet I still seek to have happiness if it exists from romance and love. Lucky me, good old Asperger's gives me an open heart to trust and lovely mental skepticism just to throw in a sarcastic kick in the head...I guess I am a glutton for punishment but somethings in life seem right to do. Naivety, and child-like nature thrown in for free...

All this and The New Year too...

2007-01-16T14:53:00.001-05:00

I have been really struggling to deal with life lately. I have this sociopathic person working in the reception position I normally occupy meanst I am working in a position short of people with data entry/intake. I like both positions, don't get me wrong, but the receptionist is more my speed.

This woman has taken my position (albeit temporarily) and is doing only half if any of the work, forwarding the rest to me. I have complained to my supervisor and my director as this person is slowly hanging herself. It just is a matter of time. But today she said something a little more menacing and although I told my superiors, I was told to ignore it. If she hadn't threatened to beat up another woman, and got a weeks suspension, I might could do that.

I am worn out. I am grumpy. I can't concentrate on intake with the phone ringing every 3 seconds because her phone is forwarded to mine. Needless to say I didn't have enough concentration before. I have been at my job 11 years and am still hourly part time. Sigh I need benefits,vacation, sicktime, insurance to survive .

Mental Mechanations

2007-01-15T14:36:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been dealing with a lot of processing problems. Its that when I transcribe any sort of data i need accuracy and its driving me flippin bonkers! It seems I can actually copy much of anything from the computer to paper but the other way around is not easier. I don't understand the difference between taking from paper and putting in the computer and/or taking from the computer and putting on paper but the latter always seems to be wrong... sigh. Head desk head desk repeat.....

I Thank God You Don't Speak For Me!

2007-01-06T23:23:00.000-05:00

Photo of Ashley copied from her parents blog. http://ashleytreatment.spaces.live.com/blog
As a partially disabled adult I have been reading the news on "The Ashley Treatment". And although I sympathize with the family that their daughter was born disabled, I can not condone or accept what they have had done to her. As an adult with disabilities all I can say is this:" Having a disability is not supposed to be easy, or nice to look at. Having a disability is hard. We are not here for your entertainment. We are not here to be cute and child-like at the ripe old age of 15 or whatever real age this child has.She is not a pet to spay and neuter because you don't want to be bothered. You mentioned taking off her breasts for her comfort and removing her uterus "because she will never use it". I think the "never use it" part is what bothers me most. How about we cut off her arms and legs? They just dangle, they will"never be used" for any purpose in a normal life?! How about removing her head/brain, she will "never use it"!! Heck make her a torso so she truly will be "pillow" shaped. That should be an easier form to care for! We are not here at your convenience, but... we are at your mercy when you speak for us. I'm glad my parents did not make decisions like these that would alter my life forever as to how I would be perceived and taken care of. I was much worse as a child and I have come a long long way. I may not be perfect but I was not subjected into being something I am not. Medical advances are growing each day and with those advances may come a chance that could have been had by this "woman-child". She will never get bigger, but her face and body will still age, perhaps at a more rapid age with the high estrogen treatment she was given. Worse still, if she does fall into a care giving situation due to death of parents etc., she is a pedophiles dream. Truly sickening. "My hands, they're small I know but they're not yours, they are my own"...Jewel,

Sometimes I'm Quiet

2007-01-06T08:19:00.000-05:00

Sometimes seeing other people's problems confuses me. I stand silent or stammering because I just don't have any clue as to what to say. I feel badly and wish I could offer help or do something (lack of executive function) constructive to say or do. I stand frozen in my place. I stare, feeling really stupid and confused. I guess if you saw me do this, I could be considered cold or apathetic, but its not what is in my mind or heart. Simply I lack enough knowledge/function at that moment to act. I can not act on impulse. It just doesn't work for me.

overloaded

2007-01-05T19:13:00.000-05:00

Today was an overload just waiting to start. At work today, the day our clinic is usually slow, we did about three times the normal people and never stopped. I have to work tomorrow and was generally grumpy and tired. I could feel the overload creeping up around my face. I could talk and move but I felt as though I was just staring into space with a blank look. Many things attributed to this feeling of overwhelmedness but I won't go into all the sordid details. Just know things were enough to make an NT crazed by the end of the day. Its a wonder I'm still alive....

Resolutions? You've got to be kidding me!

2007-01-02T21:56:00.000-05:00

My only resolutions are to survive and take good care of my kids. If I get happiness on the way... its gravy or icing. Both can be good if made right. There-in is the problem, can I really do this?!

New Years, Bah Same old stuff repeat....

2007-01-01T18:00:00.000-05:00

This New Year has started off with a bang. Being alone means when you are sick, there's no one there to comfort you. Being alone means when you really need medicine, there's no one else to go and drive to get it. Being alone means, if you are hungry despite being ill you must drag yourself to the stove and cook anyway. But I suppose this is the way it has to be for now.

Alone Again, Naturally

2006-12-31T23:43:00.000-05:00

New Years Eve, Another year wasted away, another year gone by. Another holiday alone.Unless you count the cat, the keyboard and pc are my only companions. I've tried so hard to keep my hands and mind busy. I need so much and yet I am afraid in many ways that if I start again I will fail. I don't exactly have a great track record. I fear making the wrong decisions, but I know if I stay indecisive about things I will lose again. Catch 22. To trust and possibly get hurt, or don't trust and be alone. Catch 22. I know the possibility exists that I could truly be happy soon. Just have to have all the right conditions, dot every i cross every t. And hope and pray that God will decide this should be my opportunity to finally be at peace and not afraid of getting something thrown at me, or getting beaten in front of my kids, or being humiliated verbally in public. Nothing is worth going back to that no matter how much he begs. I want so much to have a clean slate, to have a right start, to have the opportunity to be me, and not some image that someone has in their head of what they suppose a wife, a lover, and a companion should be. The right to choose to be loving or not, the right to actually have "me" time and not have to be someone's maid or 24 hour entertainment. I want to be inspired to create again, to draw to paint, to craft, to write,and not have my efforts poo-pooed as childish or silly. I want to be able to sit and play a video game with someone without someone saying, "Aren't you a bit old for that?" Sometimes a video game or music is the only thing that eases my over active stressed out mind. Sometimes writing does it for me. I only know I was suppressed for so long that I no longer want that in my life. Sad when you can feel empathy for a video game character and prefer to spend time with him rather than your own "real" life. Sigh, this year has to be better....

Leeches and other vermin

2006-12-29T12:09:00.001-05:00

I have come to the conclusion that lawyers, billcollectors, and other pond scum are leeches or some breed similar.

They will suck the life out of you and continue to do so until there is nothing alive left in you. Even still they will try and take your dried carcass just to see what they can get out of you. They listen to nothing. They only have their interest in mind and refuse to comprehend circumstances beyond your control because its only one thing they want. Everything you have and don't have.